Impassioned Chronicles Of A Goof

And When I Need To Look Within

2011-05-03T13:27:00.021+10:00

It has been a while since I stepped into the world of blogging. The reasons were many, I changed blogs, changed URLs and more in this period. Met some wonderful people, made some long lasting friendships, and also found the usual bout of craziness that I see in the world around me. But I believe it is time now for me to stop, bid adieu, atleast for a while. The reasons again are many. I am not sure yet, if this will be me completely stopping writing anything whatsoever on the blog, or would I just stop pouring out ideas, and just record small events of joy in my life, what I know for sure at this point though, is that it is an effort to step back.

I enjoyed writing about things I am passionate about. And when I write, I am so absorbed with the thoughts, that my quality of writing is miserable to say the least. I have often commented on posts, by fellow bloggers, posts that have really touched me somewhere, and I have later read the comments to read, just how badly written out they are, the same applies to many of my own posts. Re-reading a post or a comment is not one of my virtues, I am impatient to say the least. While continuing writing, is good practice, it helps improve the quality of writing, that is not of prime importance in my life, its just a hobby and not something I do for a living, and then what is the point in writing out to the world, with thoughts that are not expressed well, not even articulated properly at times and add to that mistakes, that would make my junior school English teachers cringe. And if I really need to make an effort, correct my mistakes, re-read what I type, I lose the joy of writing itself, so what then remains the point of blogging? Most of the bloggers, I really enjoy have almost stopped blogging, or their posts have become few and far between, what remains feels like something of a filler, just because I don't get what I want. And hence I wonder if it is worth burdening my mind reading that, which is of no consequence.

It has been a while that I have been contemplating this, but I always turned back, and stayed tuned to the blogs I follow, simply because I did not wish to let go. However I am at a point in life now, where I wish to look inside, more than the outside. I wish to go within, than spread my wings out and fly, I want to realise what is within me. While blogs are a great way to expand one's horizons, learn about other perspectives, and gain insight into lives beyond ours, it is also a way to keep the brain churning, adding new thoughts and ideas in its repertoire to chew on, it is exactly the opposite of what I wish to do right now. Its introspection that I am looking for. I had read, a long long while back, in a book authored by the great Swami Vivekananda, that,

Thoughts are like pebbles thrown in the lake of our minds, they cause ripples. While what we seek is a calm mind, a frozen lake.

While its impossible for me to have a frozen lake for my mind, I do wish to turn my thoughts inwards, rather than outwards, atleast for a while. And hence I seek to step back from, rather than flow in the river of blogs. I cherish my friends a great deal, and I hope they understand what I seek, and pardon me for not visiting their blogs and sharing into the pool of their thoughts. But then you always know, I am just an e-mail or call away.

I waited for April to be over, so that I could be a tiny part of this great campaign to spread awareness on child sexual abuse in India, before halting, atleast for a while. It has been a wonderful journey, had its highs and lows, and was a great learning experience for me in many many ways. Here is wishing the very best to the wonderful bloggers out there.

CSAAM April 2011 - Eve Teasing Or CSA?

2011-04-25T14:00:00.000+10:00

This is a simple question to the adult women.

Do you think, that if you faced any of the instance of eve-teasing or molestation, groping, touching in public places, that you faced in your growing years, today, you would be much stronger in your reaction, more enable to defend yourself?

I look forward to knowing what you think, but my belief based on myself, and informal discussions with friends, leads me to believe, the answer would be yes. Simply the process of growing up makes us stronger, wiser. It is much tougher for an adolescent or child to even understand the situation, let alone react to it. In an age, when they are coming to terms with their own sexuality, grappling with surging hormones, trying to figure things out, an event of molestation or even eve teasing has much worse impact, than, when faced as an adult.

It is not easy for a child, to believe it is not their fault, or sometimes to even comprehend the event. Often enough its simply fear, and nothing beyond. The perpetrator often being much older to the victim, further inhibits any form of defensive reaction, in a culture, where we are taught to respect our elders, and leaves a psychological impact too. When one has faced it as a child, and felt shamed, humiliated, its likely to be a feeling they carry forward to the coming years. And even though wiser and stronger, the feeling of humiliation is likely to be stirred up at every similair incident.

As an adult, if a man tries to grope me in public today, my defences will act up much faster with outrage and anger, than it did when I was a teenager. I will yell, scream, hit or whatever else that seems possible at that time. I will not be intimidated, and anger and outrage will be the only emotions overwhelming my senses. I will be enraged, and I will react. But this is not what happened when I was younger, the first emotion to come to me would be fear and a sort of shame. I would not do anything, simply not to attract any attention to the incident or myself. A sense of violation would build up, but it would be held back by my fear. And that led to much worse scars in my mind than the way it would affect me mentally today.

Almost ten years ago, I remember traveling in a DTC bus in Delhi, one afternoon. It was relatively empty, and there were two school girls, not more than 12 or 13 going back home, sitting and chatting. A man alighted the bus a couple of stops later, and stood close to the seat where the girls were sitting, and while I was not keeping a watch, one of the girls just stood up and shouted at him. She made him apologise, told him to turn and stand away from her. For women who have travelled in buses in Delhi, we all know , how often the shoulder of a sitting woman, is used as a massage tool by these men. I am guessing something similar happened in that case, and that was nothing unusual at all. But what really caught my attention was the way the little girl handled the situation. Shaming the middle-aged man publicly. But its a rare instance, of a girl so young, able to react and tackle the situation thus. While most others her age would just shut up, deal with it and possibly shed a few tears of anger, outrage and disgust.

There is a reason the predators try and get away with children rather than try it out with adults. Besides the pedophiles, there are those who know its easier to get away by misbehaving or molesting a non-adult. Simply because the victim is less likely to react, or defend themselves. And that is the reason I believe that public acts of verbal or physical sexual abuse done to a child or teenager needs to be named differently, and treated otherwise too. The age of the victim makes a drastic difference in the severity of the crime. And hence should be treated as such, passing comments on a 30 year old woman, is not the same as doing it to a 13 year old, and that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with accordingly.

The Culture Versus Person story

2011-04-11T11:35:00.002+10:00

This is a discussion I had with my cousin a while back, and there was so much to be said and realised from it, that I wanted to write it down. The very loving aunt to the BB, who is still a kid herself if you ask me, during a recent conversation with me, asked me, how would I imbibe the Indian culture in the BB, living in a land far away, not being a part of any Indian associations here,esp since most of them are regional and The GP and I belong to different regions of India, without as much as Indian television channels at home. I told her straight up, that I cared more for the kind of person the BB became than the so called 'cultural' values. If Indian cultural values are what is displayed on Indian television, I would rather he not know. And so on it went.

For every example she came up with, I could tell her, how a good person would automatically do the right thing, no matter to what culture he/she belonged. And if it is Indian music or arts that is our culture, I am sure there is enough Indian music playing at home for the BB to pick up, if he has an inclination for it, the rest of the arts, neither The GP, nor me are great connoisseurs, so well, we cannot really help on that front. And what if he did not pick up Indian art forms, but Western ones, or even African ones for that matter? Does it make him any worse of a person. Things like communication, familial ties, respect for adults are something that is a part of this household, like any average Indian household, imperfect, but that is the way it stands, and so that is what he will observe. But to me the more important question is will he offer his seat to an older person on public transport, will he help a blind person cross the road. And honestly I don't think it is a part of Indian culture, atleast not the India that I have lived in. There are some amazing people who do it, but not enough to call it our culture. And at the end of the day, I believe its just a matter of the kind of person one is. And that is why, that is the only thing that counts for me, when it comes to my child.

It went on then further to family values, and how they will differ for the BB compared to what it is for her or was for me. She wondered how would he adjust if he needed to live with them for a while. And while the food habits maybe a bit different, I don't think there are cultural issues at risk, besides the fact that he may never learn Bengali. A simple thing like eating on the dining table, we as a family very very rarely do that. We are more of a sit around the TV and chat over our meals kind of a family. We have always had dining tables wherever we lived, and it has pretty much always been a dumping table. But my point is, if I am a sensible and sensitive person, and I am visiting someone, I will automatically adapt to their way of life. I will eat on the floor, if that is the way they do it, or the table, or from a communal plate. I will pretty much follow things their way, unless it clashes with my sense of personal values or hygiene. And that is what is the most important thing to me. It is about being sensitive to people's feelings and genuinely caring for them.

Then what is it about the Indian culture that me or anyone for that matter may desperately want in their child. It is but obviously always the positive, good bits, like warmth, helping people, being respectful. And I think all of those are essential bits of being a person, the rest automatically falls in place, if we have that in place. Coming back to the previous example of eating, we ate on our dining table, when my aunt and uncle were visiting us, because they are elders and that is the way they did things. Common sign of respect. But unfortunately, their child would not join us around the centre table for meals, when he came to visit us alone. The fact is, that a nice person, would have jovially joined in on the fun around the centre table instead of sitting aside in a corner alone. Also if our culture involves, as I see widely around the country, eve teasing, pick pocketing, aggression, lack of patience or even politeness, then I would rather that my child not learn it at all.

What do you, other parents feel about this, or even those who are not parents yet? How do you define Indian culture, what do you think is a culture specific thing that should be imbibed in a child?

CSAAM April 2011 - In the Mind of Pain and Shame

2011-04-08T15:22:00.002+10:00

[ This is my contribution in the month long campaign against Child Sexual Abuse. To read and know more about it, the views and tips shared by many others throughout this month, hop onto the CSAA blog. ]

Sex, abuse, children, pain, shame, fear, life-long mental agony. These are the things that come to mind when I hear, Child Sexual Abuse.These are my perceptions, my ideas. And I doubt they are very different from anyone else's, besides the perpetrators of such heinous acts. Has it been happening for generations, possibly, I don't know. But I know that it definitely exists. The point is, what do we do about it, and how do we deal with it. A lot of rather, stellar, and informative posts have already come your way about this. So what does a person like me, who has fortunately neither experienced it, nor do I personally know anyone who has been abused say? I tell you what I think about it, and how the very thought wrings my very insides.

A child, is in a state of growth, mentally and physically, it is the stage, where they learn, observe, understand, try to make sense of the world around them. And while no one has a perfect childhood, we make do with the normal. And then there are some unfortunate ones, who are dealt with a blow, that renders them helpless to go on normally. Sexual Abuse is physically discomforting, even painful, depending on the level of abuse, but the mental trauma it causes is what does not heal even when the scars go away. There are few who have access to counselling, or can share the pain with friends and family and lighten their pain, but there are many who live on with a sense of shame for life. The one time I remember witnessing CSA was in the movie Water by Deepa Mehta, and it shook me to my core. It was on the television late one night, and I remember going to the bedroom and tightly hugging my little boy, while he slept blissfully unaware. And while I knew it was just a movie, I could not calm down, and remained disturbed for days about what I had seen. And this is just me, a passive, distant observer. What happens then to a child who actually experiences this?

I can only imagine. The shock, the fear, the shame. Often the perpetrators, use their power(being older) to intimidate the victim, to scare them into silence. And the poor child is left all alone, to deal with the situation, possibly leading to repeated assaults.The initial shock, soon paves way for a sense of tremendous shame, often laced with a guilt, a feeling of having something to do with the occurrence of the assault. What then? I remember watching a show, which had various women, who had been victims of CSA in their teenage years, talk about it. And they all had the opinion, that being teenagers, their body experienced pleasure, and that made them feel even more ashamed of themselves, because that confused their emotions. While even a single tiny incident leaves a scar on the mind of a child, repeated assaults can and most likely will completely alter a person. Almost every woman who has grown up in India, has at some point or the other been groped, or touched in public during adolescence. I personally was always infuriated, and the inability to retaliate, in a crowd of a hundred unknown faces, is what always got to me. For me it was always fury, but then I was a teenager, with some understanding of life. But, what about a child?

The hurt, the pain, and sometimes, when they dare and tell parents about it, the parents shun the notion right away. What does the child do? If the emotional consequences of the incident are not dealt with properly, it can lead to many abnormalities in the growing personality. Since each person is unique, we cannot generalise the outcome, and hence it can have many variants. Some may become aggressive, and distrusting of people, esp of the sex of the perpetrator.Others can completely go into a shell, and grow up a loner, some have even experienced a change of sexuality after being abused. There are others who grow up and become perpetrators themselves, to either pretend that what happened to them was normal, or as a form of revenge. And then in extreme cases, of highly sensitive individuals, some form of mental disturbance may set in. An act like CSA, not only harms the physical body of the child, but also scars their mind, their very soul. Its one of the worst things that can happen to a child.

I am not an expert, but I believe one of the best ways to help a victim would be acceptance, and believing their story. During my training, as a phone counselor, we were told, that it is very important to believe the story of the victim, because even if they sense a slight doubt, they are unlikely to share any more. And so yes, it is very important to believe. Often new facets of the incident may turn up, as the victim talks, because often the little things come to light , when they think about it. The next step is to reassure them about them being the victim, and having nothing to do with the crime they were subjected to. This is the most important step, for the healing process to begin. To always let them know, they were right, and did nothing wrong, and it was never their fault. From then on, I believe the help has to be tailored to suit the personal needs and mindset of the child, but these are the first and most basic steps. For friends, and family, it is very important to show support, and yes, in such cases, you have to pick sides, one cannot be friends with the both the victim and the perpetrator. It is the unconditional support of loved ones, which is the strongest healing potion for the wounded soul of the child, and from there the healing will begin.

Interpretations!

2011-04-05T12:01:00.001+10:00

The beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say. So often in life I have faced situations, or observed incidents where various people have absolutely different interpretations of the same thing. Never fails to amaze me, and then somewhere I feel that is actually a true judge of a person's character, because how we perceive things, is how we think. The GP for example always finds a kind loving reason for everything, even things that make me fume. God! How I love the man for being my calming factor. Coming back to the point, I thought it would be fun to list some things that people interpret differently, and it would be fun to hear if you have some too!

A child running in a mall without any visible adult guardians.

What careless parents.

Its so difficult to manage and hold onto kids that age.
Children today are completely wild and unruly.

A woman drinking.
Aajkal ki 'modern' aurat!
Aah! she is cool.
Who cares?

A woman not drinking in a pub.
Why do these people even come here?
Must be a first timer, soaking it in.
The boyfriend must have coaxed her here.

A working mother.
Superwoman!
These kinds do justice to nothing.
Doesn't lover her own child enough to stay with the baby?

A woman open about her sexuality.
Gosh! She has the guts man, I could never talk about myself like that.
Sex is all she has!
Uff! Aaj ki bhrashta nari.

A woman who does not talk about sex or her sexuality.
Pretending to be holier than thou! Its all just an act.
Its just because of her cultural background.
That is the kind of decency I like.
Must have really high moral values, to be this way, in today's world.

There are millions like this, and its just amazing to talk and think about, seeing how we interpret things. I have my own interpretations of various people, incidents, events. Often different from that of others, and yet they make sens e to me. The thing that stays with me though, is how some people always look at the positive, and others almost always at the negative side of things. I know this woman, who claims, everyone wants sex. She can find sexual connotations to the most simple, basic events of life. But then that is what we are. The world is nothing but a reflection of our own minds. The loving one, sees a mother's love when she beats her child, the cynic sees a violent woman, who cannot control her temper, and an average Jane like me wonders, what the child could have done to invoke the wrath!

Just Stop This Shit

2011-03-30T11:48:00.002+10:00

Alert - may contain words and idea unsuitable for people under 18.

Clarification -I am not against homosexuality. It is the linking of people's name to it without a solid ground for it that is bothering me. In the post the words 'dirty' and 'disgusting' etc has been used for the mindset of people, and not about anyone's sexual preference at all.

I am sick of people not being able to think beyond sex and sexuality, and sexualising every damn thing they see. Tells me where the damn perverts are born from really!

Everything is looked on sexually. And now this cry about Mahatma Gandhi being bi-sexual. I have a simple thing to say here. Petty people cannot look beyond themselves, to them the entire world is as petty as are they, and hence they cannot even conceive or even begin to understand greatness. I am sure soon enough someone will come up with sickening stories on Jesus, Ram and more, well just because they think that everyone is as shallow as them. Abstinence, is not easy, and all those who are sexually active will know that. How many of us can even imagine giving it up for life? Very few, and most of those who do would not even succeed! So the people who have or did, are now labelled with all kinds of names, because dimwits cannot think beyond themselves or their own lack of self control. If someone does not or did not marry and remained a bachelor or spinster, they must have been homosexual. If they had a close friend of the same sex, they must have been homosexual or bi-sexual.

I wonder what warped world these people come from, or is the world getting so warped, that we cannot think beyond the nasty? Have these people never had friends, or have they never had any relationship in their lives that was not about sex? If you have not been able to tell till now, I am extremely enraged. Takes me back to the one thing that irritated me about JK Rowling, her claim about Dumbledore's homosexuality. Yeah well, its her character, and she can shape it as she pleases, but why does he have to be homosexual or not?

Somehow, no one aspires to be better anymore I think, its about pulling people down to your dirty level. I want to have sex outside of marriage, I do it, and then claim the whole world does, they just don't say it. Why be ashamed of what I did, why let there be a moral high ground? I would rather pull everyone down to my dirty level.Makes life easier doesn't it. So everything has an OK, any kind of sex, any kind of relationship and wow what a wonderful world we have.

I have not read the book, and I would like to believe the author, Joseph Lelyveld, when he says people are misquoting and misunderstanding his work, but its the very idea that people think this way that sickens me. I can bet my entire life, that not one of these so called writers or critics have the guts to do one tenth of what the Mahatma did for not just India, but the world. So what do they do, they try to tarnish his image and give new dimensions to his persona. Its been done before, its being done again. Its shameful and utterly disgusting, if you cannot emulate any of his great principles, and I am sure most of us don't even try, the least we can do is show respect, and admire a great man.

Each and everyday I seem to find something that tells me how little we value our morals, and how easily we let virtues rot. Commitments, who needs them, its ok to break them. Extra marital relationships happen, there are bad relationships ....... what about commitment, what about honesty? And while it does take place, there is no denying that, to actually accept it as acceptable, by mainstream society is what scares me so so much. No one thinks its a virtue to be patient, or humble. If you don't beat your own drum you lose out, and again the worst bit is not just doing it, but claiming, that to be the right thing to do. God! I can go on endlessly about this, and it will just make my blood boil some more. I am too enraged and upset to be coherent I think, so I will link you up to a post, which is written clearly and precisely, talking about many many more such incidents and I loved it.

The fact is, morality exists for a reason. No I am no supporter of the Shiv Sena or Shri Ram Sena, but it breaks my heart to see how easily everyone lets go of anything moral, by giving it a million different names, to do things that are easy and require no self control or restraint. And it is really shameful to not only do that, but the people who really led the hard life by following the moral principles of life, being trivialised, and made to look petty. I personally know two women, one of whom was a spinster all her life, dedicated to the profession of teaching, and I can guarantee she died a virgin. Another widowed before thirty, who never indulged in any kind of sexual activity for the years after. If anyone dares, call them homosexual, or whatever I will personally wreck physical havoc on them. I have just this to say to such people, "I pity your existence, without any morality or ethics, because not only is your mindset lowly, the sad bit is you can never even comprehend what greatness look like. Much like the pig which can never even look at the sky, but lives and eats filth."

The Little Pleasures

2011-03-29T16:43:00.000+10:00

Last evening I went to pick up the BB from his kinder, and the half an hour from then till we got home, had some sweet incidents in store, which left me smiling for the rest of my evening. The BB was just so happy to see me, he took me around his room, showed me everything he played with through the day, and gave me the warmest cuddles ever. And then just as we reached the gate, of his play area, two little girls from his room were to be seen sitting on a log there. And the BB, was busy telling me they are sitting there, when the two girls looked at him, and said aloud, "Bye bye BB!" And one of them just stood up, ran with her arms open wide towards the BB, and put hugged him. She even bent down to put her head on his chest. Gosh! It was the cutest little thing I have ever seen.

I left the place smiling, and as we were walking back home, it began to rain, and as is Murphy's law, I was not carrying our umbrellas. This was the first time the BB and I got wet in the rains. Being his very first time, the BB was not sure of how it felt, and walked with his hands up ahead in front of him once they were wet. We reached home, he took his umbrella, and walked around, just to have a feel of the rains with his umbrella.

And aah! for the little pleasures of life.

CSAAM April 2011 Is Coming Soon!

2011-03-28T11:58:00.002+10:00

That is the Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Month April 2011. With great initiative, by a couple of motivated and concerned bloggers, namely Kiran and Monika, the CSAAM, will kick off this Friday, the 1st of April. A month, that will give us many informed, posts, articles and discussions to think and talk about the very taboo topic of Child Sexual Abuse. Read about how it all began, if it interests you in Monika's introductory post.

It is not an exaggeration, when one says almost 80% of women in India have faced some form of sexual abuse as a child, most often by people known to and trusted by the family. The fact that the awareness and the concern about such a widespread phenomenon is so little, is what this initiative plans to change. Information and knowledge is the best way to deal with this evil. Most parents ridicule the very idea of their child being abused, and hence neither explain the possibility, nor equip the child to deal with such a situation. Thus leaving a child more vulnerable to being hurt and abused. There is also a lack of acceptance, when such an incident occurs, an attempt to push it under the carpet, which just makes it much worse for the victim. The aim of the campaign, is to bring out to light the issues surrounding CSA, to remove the myths and bring out the truth, to make people aware of it. Knowledge and awareness of this very prevelant social evil is the very first step towards our beating it.

The campaign has support from NGOs which work with victims, besides many wonderful bloggers themselves. Be prepared to learn facts, feelings, real life incidents and the best ways to cope with it or help a victim. But foremost, it is a campaign to make people see CSA in broad daylight and accept it.

Click on image, to see the blog.

If you would like to add to the discussion or know somebody else who would, please note that we welcome entries

a. mailed to csa.awareness.april@gmail.com OR
b. posted as FB notes and linked to Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Month Page
OR
c. posted on your own blog with the badge and linked to the main blog OR
d. linked or posted on Twitter tagged twitter.com/CSAAwareness
OR
e. sent via some/all of the above methods

The list of topics is available here
. Anonymous contributions are accepted and requests for anonymity will of course be honoured. I will probably be hosting at least one guest post and encourage you to do the same for non-blogging friends.

Please remember to send in a mail with all necessary links or just your input to csa.awareness.april@gmail.com so that we can track your contribution and make sure that it is not inadvertently lost or something.

Feeling Redundant!

2011-03-22T22:33:00.000+10:00

Yes, that's me today. Its strange how the wheel of time turns. Somehow I feel my family could live all on their own. Would not miss me much if I were to suddenly disappear tomorrow. Oh! Well, yes I am being all maudlin here. But I have my reasons, and would have shed my tears at some point right?

If you know me, or my family, you would know we are a very child centred family. So no, the GP and I don't really do things without the BB or have 'dates' or anything like that. A lot of that is our circumstances, having no one we would be happy to leave the BB with, and the rest is, well, just us, or maybe more me. I was never comfortable leaving him, anywhere at all till very recently. So well, that is the way things have been. And it seemed worth it, with the BB's only need in the world being me. He can be anywhere, with anyone, as long as I am around. Or he could be. He needed me always, till a year ago, he would not even go out with the GP, without me. Well things have changed.

I have now become the boring lump of a human being who stays home all day, does not really entertain him with the things he enjoys, like playing with the tool box, or sit on the motorbike and honk the horn, or try and take his cycle apart. So well, to put it mildly, the BB is now an extension of his father, the 100 watt smile on his face, as his father walks into the house each evening, is really worth seeing. And I would be lying if I said, that does not hurt a little bit, well it does, and quite a lot. The two of them would roughhouse, and do their guy stuff, and well, I look on and pretend to be busy on the laptop, or the kitchen or elsewhere. Once the father is home, the BB can actually walk through me, without even realising I exist. And somehow I feel out of the loop, don't know what would be fun for him anymore, or what would entertain him at times, and just wonder when did this really happen, when did he infact outgrow me? And while I did not cry, when he spent his first day at the day care, or started his kinder, I am filled with a deep emptiness today, as the tears flow freely, wondering if I have infact become redundant for my little boy.

Earthquake Survival

2011-03-22T11:04:00.000+10:00

This is a mail I received, and what it says, made sense to me, and hence I am posting it here, so that it can be of use to as many people as I can reach. And if you don't feel like reading the whole thing, just look at the pics at the end.

Where to go and survive during an Earthquake…Please read on….

Remember that stuff about hiding under a table or standing in a doorway? Well, forget it! This is a real eye opener. It could save your life someday.
EXTRACT FROM DOUG COPP'S ARTICLE ON 'THE TRIANGLE OF LIFE'

My name is Doug Copp. I am the Rescue Chief and Disaster Manager of the American Rescue Team International (ARTI ), the world's most experienced rescue team. The information in this article will save lives in an earthquake.

I have crawled inside 875 collapsed buildings, worked with rescue teams from 60 countries, founded rescue teams in several countries, and I am a member of many rescue teams from many countries. I was the United Nations expert in Disaster Mitigation for two years, and have worked at every major disaster in the world since 1985, except for simultaneous disasters.

The first building I ever crawled inside of was a school in Mexico City during the 1985 earthquake. Every child was under its desk. Every child was crushed to the thickness of their bones. They could have survived by lying down next to their desks in the aisles. It was obscene -- unnecessary.

Simply stated, when buildings collapse, the weight of the ceilings falling upon the objects or furniture inside crushes these objects, leaving a space or void next to them - NOT under them. This space is what I call the 'triangle of life'. The larger the object, the stronger, the less it will compact. The less the object compacts, the larger the void, the greater the probability tha t the person who is using this void for safety will not be injured. The next time you watch collapsed buildings, on television, count the 'triangles' you see formed. They are everywhere. It is the most common shape, you will see, in a collapsed building.

TIPS FOR EARTHQUAKE SAFETY

1) Most everyone who simply 'ducks and covers' when building collapse are crushed to death. People who get under objects, like desks or cars, are crushed.

2) Cats, dogs and babies often naturally curl up in the fetal position. You should too in an earthquake. It is a natural safety/survival instinct. You can survive in a smaller void. Get next to an object, next to a sofa, next to a bed, next to a large bulky object that will compress slightly but leave a void next to it.

3) Wooden buildings are the safest type of construction to be in during an earthquak i.e. Wood is flexible and moves with the force of the earthquake. If the wooden building does collapse, large survival voids are created. Also, the wooden building has less concentrated, crushing weight. Brick buildings will break into individual bricks. Bricks will cause many injuries but less squashed bodies than concrete slabs.

4) If you are in bed during the night and an earthquake occurs, simply roll off the bed. A safe void will exist around the bed. Hotels can achieve a much greater survival rate in earthquakes, simply by posting a sign on the back of the door of every room telling occupants to lie down on the floor, next to the bottom of the bed during an earthquake.

5) If an earthquake happens and you cannot easily escape by getting out the door or window, then lie down and curl up in the fetal position next to a sofa, or large chair.

6) Most everyone who gets under a doorway when buildings collapse is killed. How? If you stand under a doorway and the doorjamb falls forward or backward you will be crushed by the ceiling above. If the door jam falls sideways you will be cut in half by the doorway. In either case, you will be killed!

7) Never go to the stairs. The stairs have a different 'moment of frequency' (they swing separately from the main part of the building). The stairs and remainder of the building continuously bump into each other until structural failure of the stairs takes place. The people who get on stairs before they fail are chopped up by the stair treads - horribly mutilated. Even if the building doesn't collapse, stay away from the stairs. The stairs are a likely part of the building to be damaged. Even if the stairs are not collapsed by the earthquake, they may collapse later when overloaded by fleeing people. They should always be checked for safety, even when the rest of the building is not damaged.

8) Get near the outer walls of buildings or outside of them if possible - It is much better to be near the outside of the building rather than the interior. The farther inside you are from the outside perimeter of the building the greater the probability that your escape route will be blocked.

9) People inside of their vehicles are crushed when the road above falls in an earthquake and crushes their vehicles; which is exactly what happened with the slabs between the decks of the Nimitz Freeway. The victims of the San Francisco earthquake all stayed inside of their vehicles. They were all killed. They could have easily survived by getting out and sitting or lying next to their vehicles. Everyone killed would have survived if they had been able to get out of their cars and sit or lie next to them. All the crushed cars had voids 3 feet high next to them, except for the cars that had columns fall directly across them.

10) I discovered, while crawling inside of collapsed newspaper offices and other offices with a lot of paper, that paper does not compact. Large voids are found surrounding stacks of paper.

Spread the word and save someone's life...

The entire world is experiencing natural calamities so be prepared!

'We are but angels with one wing, it takes two to fly'

In 1996 we made a film, which proved my survival methodology to be correct. The Turkish Federal Government, City of Istanbul, University of Istanbul Case Productions and ARTI cooperated to film this practical, scientific test. We collapsed a school and a home with 20 mannequins inside. Ten mannequins did 'duck and cover,' and ten mannequins I used in my 'triangle of life' survival method. After the simulated earthquake collapse we crawled through the rubble and entered the building to film and document the results. The film, in which I practiced my survival techniques under directly observable, scientific conditions , relevant to building collapse, showed there would have been zero percent survival for those doing duck and cover.

There would likely have been 100 percent survivability for people using my method of the 'triangle of life.' This film has been seen by millions of viewers on television in Turkey and the rest of Europe, and it was seen in the USA , Canada and Latin America on the TV program Real TV.

Subject: Save your life with "The Triangle of Life"

"Triangle of Life":

Without listening or reading, simply by looking at the following self-explanatory photos, you can learn more than in a thousand words about how to protect yourself during a major earthquake...

If you are inside a vehicle, come out and sit or lie down next to it. If something falls on the vehicle, it will leave an empty space along the sides. See below:

Source：國際救援小組（ARTI），網址：http://www.amerrescue.org/

The Boy With Wants and Observations

2011-03-14T14:09:00.000+10:00

Did I tell you, or have I told you often enough, how much I adore my child. To me, he is the best in the world, and how can it be any other way. All mothers, fathers, doting grandparents, aunts and uncles will know exactly what I am talking about. Well, the thing is the GP is a minimalist, his only passions are gadgets, the only thing he is willing to spend good money on, besides for the family, for his own pleasure. If he could get away with it, he would not add anything to his wardrobe for atleast a decade. His wants are very limited, and he is or used to be amazed at my ability to shop non-stop. I am a woman, I love shopping, retail therapy, or should I say I used to. Not to say it makes me unhappy to buy things for myself now, but the intense desire to get myself things, to spend the hard earned buck, has diminished markedly over the past year of my spiritual growth.

Coming to the BB, he has been a minimalist child forever. Its because of my desire to see him in varied clothes, and his growth alone, that new clothes are added on consistently, he could not care less. He has never wanted a toy, or a anything at all. I don't remember ever going to a shop, where he has expressed a want for something. Its upto us, to see what interests him, and then buy it for him. The least he does, is picks one of two or three options we show him. So this weekend was a first of its kind. Last Valentine's we had bought the BB his first bicycle, and he loved it. For months he would use his legs to move it around, and then after a few months, he suddenly got the hang of pedaling, and its been a non stop riot of fun ever since. Of late however, the doting father, felt he had outgrown the bike, the knees were touching the handlebars, when he pedaled and things. I feel he is quite alright on the bike still. So this weekend, we went to a departmental store, and the GP let him try on a bigger bike. He wanted to ride it back home trust me. And starting Friday evening, there was a chant of, "Want big bike. Bring big green bike from shop." haunted the household. That was all he spoke about when he went to bed, that is all he said when he was half asleep. I was amazed. Finally there was something my son really wanted! And so Sunday evening, we went and got him the new big bike, and man does he love it. Its got a brake too, and he got the hang of it pretty quickly. He pretended there were traffic lights, and stopped when it was red, turned when there was a signal to turn. It feels wonderful to have bought him something he really wanted!

When he woke up today morning, the first thing he did was rush downstairs, rode on the bike for a bit, and then came back upstairs to get dressed for kinder. :) And then he noticed. You see, the GP now uses a motor-bike to travel to and fro from work. Parking is a nightmare near his workplace, and using public transport involves a lot of walking, which he does not particularly enjoy. So the point is, he burnt a couple of his trouser legs, while riding, since they flap around the hot exhaust pipe. And no, he has not, and is not buying new ones! So the BB, all dressed waiting for his father, has the following conversation with his father.

BB - Papa, what is that?(Pointing to the burn marks)
GP - The trouser got burnt.
BB(unhappy) - Wear other one.
GP - I don't have another one, we will get one over the weekend.
BB - Get papa pants, weekend!

That maybe the new chant for the week, but what I am interested in finding out, is if the father will give in to the son's demand? Because with me, it can be gruff no, that puts an end to all conversation, but that will definitely not work with the son!

A True Role Model

2011-03-02T12:14:00.000+10:00

It never ceases to amaze me, how truly great people, never blame the circumstances, no matter how tough it gets. They harbour no malice for people who may have treated them in ways, that is nothing short of cruel. I wish that someday, I am able to achieve such a mentality, where I can look beyond any negative influences in my life. It is not that I have never tried, and that is possibly why, I appreciate even more, the people who are capable of doing it, because its not easy. Came across this article in the newspaper yesterday, and it left me, inspired and in awe.

This is a 27 year old woman called Rukhma Lakshman Kale, residing in a village in Maharashtra. She is a volunteer with UNICEF, and is working to help young girls and women in villages, by encouraging them to go to school, as well as by teaching them basic life skills like personal hygiene, basic banking and accounting and so on. Inspiring enough just for this, but what really amazed me, was her personal story, for which she holds no grudges. She was made to live in a cowshed with a newborn baby, and yet all she says is, "It could have happened to anyone.". How many of us can ever be that gracious? We crib and bitch for hours about minor incidents we might have experienced at work, or with in-laws. And here is a woman, who is a single mother, bringing up her child alone, with no grudges, and actually doing something concrete to make a difference to the society.

And that is what I think a true role-model should be like. truly inspiring, in every aspect. Unfortunately we look at models and actresses as your goals for body image, and then think we are good enough ourselves to not need to change ever. And we shortchange ourselves for life that way. Because we don't believe in really changing or trying to excel as a person. I am inspired by women, people like Rukhma. Who are truly role-models and are actually acting for change. Who or what inspires you?

A While Back...

2011-02-28T10:42:00.000+10:00

This is the only kind of household wildlife I had to deal with, give or take a few houseflies.
These pics are from the day we cleaned up and put to order the garden of our home in Melbourne, before handing over the keys.

Look at what we found hiding in a corner, while removing the weeds.

Something we could happily put on our palms, and be friendly with.....

..... but that's not all.
It was never me, who was brave enough to do it.
Now see whose hand the snail rested on!

The BB was learning about animals and their lifecycles at his nursery then, and was very excited with the snails. We even put them in a mug of water for a while, and treated them like our pets, till the poor creatures escaped for dear life. :)

Backyard Wildlife

2011-02-19T20:04:00.003+10:00

I have never ceased to be amazed at the wonderful wildlife I have been seeing around, since I shifted into my new home. Some of them land up in my own backyard, and I managed to click a few. What I have not been able to capture however, are the gorgeous butterflies, that I see all around the place. Larger than the average size, and what vibrant colours! When I manage to get shots of that, I am definitely going to share them here. And there are birds too, white cockatoos, turkeys, and some birds I have no clue about. However, these are the only ones I have photographic evidence of.

On the grill of the door leading to our backyard, one evening.

This one had a huge web when we shifted in, and unfortunately we had to get rid of it, to make the place safe.

Another huge spider.

The gorgeous bush tailed possum, we spot around the house often after dark.

Bulletin Board Friends

2011-02-14T22:29:00.004+10:00

It worries me, it bothers me, and when I let it grow, it claws at me heart. No, I am no perfect person, I know it. And for all the flaws I have, I used to take relationships and friendships seriously, a bit too much at times I think. But experience made me harder, the part of the heart that was soft and nurtured loving relationships, kept getting hurt and healing time and again, and finally the scab never went away. It replaced, the softness there, with its hard shell, and is now there to stay. But as they say, old wounds hurt more than new ones, because their roots still lie within.

What prompts me to say this? Well, besides, it being a totally crappy day today, its the second time this week, I received communication from someone, who does not have time to even send out a one line e-mail in a whole year. It is strange how people, who cannot spare five minutes in a whole year, suddenly think of me when important happy events come into their life, and expect me to go all ballistic about it. Honestly, I am happy for you, but it is beyond me now to go all gooey over your happiness, because you are one of the reasons I have scab instead of softness in a part of my heart. And well, yes, I remember. Am I being vindictive I wonder really, but this is my natural response, because I am hurt and withdrawn.

One of my oldest friends, who pretty much takes no efforts ever to stay in touch, facebook et all, all being in place. Every time I have called her, she has told me how busy she is with life, and cannot find time. Truth be told I have heard this from many people, and it either means the person thinks I have no life and hence can devote all my time to them, or they simply don't want to stay in touch. It could be either, so again after repeated mistakes, I have learnt to step away, and let them lead their really busy lives. And yes, I don't believe anyone is ever that busy!! Coming back to my friend, I last spoke to her on Diwali, when I called, which was I think almost a year since I had last spoken to her, and I admonished her for not staying in touch. She said things would change, which obviously did not. And I finally decided I had tried, enough and was just not willing to be anyone's doormat anymore, so I gave up. It hurt more because she to me always was a dear friend, and to know how little I must have meant to her, to not even try to maintain a relationship, is what pricked me the most I believe. That was that, till last week, I got a cryptic, telegram like mail from her, telling me she was having a baby. 2 lines, and that was it. I know its mean, but I am too hardened after the many many years that things have been this way between us, to know how to react. I felt like an in-law, whom, one needs to inform of such happenings in their life, no matter how unwillingly its done. I replied back, congratulating her husband and her, and just could not go on any further, because my resentment still stands strong. And I wonder what is the point of it all anyway, if we are not even going to be in touch. I hated myself for being this way. And yes, what I thought was a closed chapter was reopened with pricking and clawing yet again. I wish I was bigger, I could let go, and reply with a huge long mail, and maybe more, but it has been so so so many times now, that I just don't have the will left to be the one trying to make it work, while she as always remain busy.' I should have anyways seen this coming since the many times you have happily forgotten even my birthday, to drop me a line of wishes. I just feel like a fool, that I let you mean so much to me, when I did not mean a dime to you. I feel like a fool, that I actually missed your wish, even though I had so many others wishing me truly and deeply.

The second mail arrived today. Again an old friend, from work. He had moved away and gotten too busy to stay in touch. Many many mails and messages remain unanswered over the years. And today there is a mail saying he is getting married, and with a positive claim, knowing I will have loads to ask him, and that he is eagerly waiting for me queries. I understand his excitement and joy, wanting to share it with someone, but then why me? Cannot just drop someone off, and then pick them up from wherever you like, whenever you like. I just did not know what to say. I congratulated him, and replied, saying I unfortunately have not much to ask, but would love to hear whatever he has to tell.

I realised a lot of things from these interactions.

The older a relationship, the greater is its power over us. I was more worked up by the first mail than the second. I have more resentment towards my oldest friend than the guy who I worked with.

Relationship dynamics don't change much, unless both people are ready to make it work. One person cannot work for two in any relationship.

While it may feel good to be the better person, trying your best in a friendship, persisting, eventually it breaks down my self esteem, and makes me feel like a door mat being trampled on, when the other person will not as much as turn their head, to maintain it.

Closure works for me, when I stay away from the source of hurt, it comes back with a bang, if the person comes back.

I have become a lot harder, and I am not happy about that, over the years. I hate being resentful and mean, I hate it.

I want to believe its their loss and not mine, but it is me who feels hurt and not them. I don't know what karmic debt I owe to these people. But I have paid enough really!

If the basic values between me and someone is different, its best not let the person into my heart and mind, because no matter how good things seem to begin with, eventually, we will grow apart, and I for one will always hate that.

I don't expect people to call me everyday, I understand that it gets too expensive for a lot of my friends in other parts of the world. But how much does an e-mail cost you? Once a month? No one in the world can honestly claim that they cannot spare 5 minutes in a whole month, so please stop giving me stupid excuses. And how hard is it to hit the reply button on your e-mail, and jot down a few lines to a truly concerned person. A lot possibly, when the person is a bother more than a boon. Good enough. Let me walk away now. I am trying hard to maintain control and not tell you all of this personally, because I don't want to be the prick in the balloon of your joy. I just wish I had it in me, to be indifferent enough, to not be bothered at all by all of this. I hate this state of resentment, I just hate it!

Darn these kids!

2011-02-12T21:40:00.003+10:00

Do you know I have actually started writing posts, that I am not publishing? I cannot believe I am actually doing that, but I am. But I have a reason, and I will tell you. These are posts I write with honest thought and passion, mostly with strong opinions for or against something. Yes, I know they are my thoughts, this is my space, and I can put it up. But I don't want to. Simply because even though I truly believe in what I write, I know others who might be hurt by what I say, and I don't mean to do that. And so while I am getting the freedom and actually writing it out, I am not putting it up there, simply because hurting anyone is not the purpose, my views are mine, and others have every right to think and feel differently. Isn't it?

So anyways, for someone who can barely manage to type in two para posts once a week or even less, that is quite a luxury as you might guess. I am trying to figure out my son these days. He has suddenly developed a lot of opinions, and wants. The other day, the GP had the most hilarious conversation with him.

GP - Do you want a dog?
BB - No, I want a Possum!
(possum for a pet?????)

After a while, the GP pursues,

GP - BB, do you want a dog?
BB - No, I want a horse.

And since then a horse is what it has been. The GP ofcourse is faking desperation, to hide his amusement, and wondering aloud, from where in earth would he get a horse, and then where he would keep them.

The BB also has a new passtime, filling and emptying every bottle, sipper, flask he can lay his hands on in the house, in an unending cycle. Yes, I am terribly worried about my water bill people. However, coming to the point, I have been on a constant screeching spree of , "BB, stop wasting water!" Not that it has much effect, but atleast I try. So the other day, the GP was in the kitchen, cleaning up his barbeque grilling plate in the sink, and the BB pipes in, "Mumma, papa is wasting water." I think I was just shocked, stunned, and I could not control my laughter. How quickly do these people connect the dots???

All Grown Up

2011-02-10T12:38:00.003+10:00

Its been a while, but I wanted the whole thing to settle down before I announced it out and loud. Yes its the BB, and he is all grown up. Because he sleeps alone in his own room now. Its been almost a month now. He falls asleep on his own, I just get him ready, tuck him in and wish him good night. For a while there is blabbering and chattering, but then it becomes all quiet, and I go, cover him up again, and switch off the brighter of his two night lights.

Well there was a heat wave post cyclone Yasi, and we could not sleep without the AC, so the BB was promptly brought back on our bed, and we, the parents, loved it, the BB on the other hand was not too happy with the idea, of leaving his own bed. But then it rained and cooled down and he is back in his room, on his bed. But for now, its such a big grown up step. My lil baby sleeping through the night on his own, who would have thought this day would come!

Taking The Bull By The Horns

2011-02-08T23:04:00.003+10:00

- A Confession

There are always fears, but it is upto us to decide how we deal with it. We all have various things that motivate us, those that impede us, and then its upto us how we use it all. I am beating around the bush, yes, so let me just say this. I am learning to drive. Yes, finally. It is one of my biggest fears, followed closely by swimming. I am old, with creaking joints, which need regular maintenance, and yet I am finally fighting my fear.

I have ridden two wheelers, the basic ones without gears, years back when I was in college, always borrowed from a friend, and I have managed to bang them up twice. So you get my fear right? But now its high time I battled it, because its my son who needs me to be able to drive more than myself. In a place where auto rickshaws are not around, and buses are not very frequent, one cannot always rely on one's feet, to take them places. What when it rains, or its too hot, or if someone is not feeling well. Walking cannot be the only possible solution always. The BB will begin school next year, and I need to know basic, for use driving. And that is my greatest motivation factor.

Had my first professional coaching yesterday. Lets just say, my teacher was not impressed. But, this is not something where I have an option, I just have to go up there and do it. Might have to work a lot harder than everyone else, but I have to do it. Wish me luck people, I need loads of it. And hoping that actually saying it out aloud here, will mean, that I will try extra hard, to save me some shame, and actually be allowed to drive on the roads, sooner rather than later.

Time Moves Relatively

2011-02-04T11:09:00.005+10:00

Have you ever met people after a really long time, and wondered whether the time never moved for them, or maybe not for you? Two ends of the same spectrum if I may say so. Facebook, to me is a necessary evil. Evil, because it leads me onto waste huge amounts of my valuable time, updating status messages or commenting on those of friends, and necessary, because its the easiest way for me to stay in touch with so many friends who live so far away. I digress. It is also a platform to find long lost friends, or those we have been out of touch with. And often the friend request there, leads to exchange of other contact details, e-mails and even phone calls.

And while its great fun to re-connect with friends, some of them end up leaving me astonished at how time has moved at vastly different paces for the two of us. Recently it was a guy I knew in college, used to be quite a buddy of mine. A fun loving flirt, always upto something, that's the kind of guy he was. And, almost ten years later, that is exactly how he still seems to be, being married and everything. And while it has been nice reconnecting, it is difficult to find a common ground any longer. While he still lives in a world, which is full of college trivialities, or atleast that is how it seems to me now, I have moved on so so much. He talks of our classmates in college, still in terms of crushes, good looking chics or cool dudes. He still talks about who had affairs with whom back then, who made it, who broke up, and such stuff. While its always fun to know how old friends are doing, after a while, it just got boring, because all of it is just so much in the past for me now. And more so the details, which have no importance at all. I really wonder how his wife deals with it, has he sucked her into the world of our college with all his tales? And mostly I wondered if time has stood still for him all these years, while it rushed by me.

And then my qualms were put to rest. Found an old old school friend recently, and God! I would not recognise her in a million years, if I met her now. The shy, pretty girl, a top scorer, she looks like a ramp scorching top model. Its been a metamorphosis like none I have seen before. She is still a brainy babe, with her LSE degree and everything, but is she a super hottie or what? What wouldn't the boys from school, give to have been a better friend of hers. I so always expected her to turn out to be the scholarly type, working in a big bank, being the best, which I guess she still is, but what I had never expected was this absolute glam doll, hanging around at night clubs and discs each night. Well, I afcourse am a social butterfly like no other, because I was and will be a caterpillar all my life in that area, and hence while I felt great catching up with a really dear friend from school after ages, I felt lost after a while, self conscious and more. With her it felt like time had stood still for me, while it simply rushed by her. But whatever, it is great great fun reconnecting with her!

And while on the topic of facebook related things, one of my pet peeves is people having public opinion polls on the looks of their spouse. Putting up a photo and actually asking something as 'duh' as, Isn't he/she cute? on a public website.... I would not have believed it possible, had it not been done by people on my own friend list, whom I readily dropped after the incident! Why, why and oh why, would you so objectify your own spouse, no matter what a looker he/she is. Please don't do it!

In very very happy news of national pride though, came across this is the newspaper today, and am so so so proud of India, and what to say of Mr. Chandrakant Singh, who really has done what others only dream of. He has set up a top notch, school of international standards in a village in Bihar, where the students are taught through video conferencing, by some of the best in their professions. This is what true patriotism, and a real desire to do something leads to. While we still languish in our worlds, of material desires, and material gains, its people like this, who give me hope for mankind, for India, and inspire me to try harder, do more. And yes, the true friend, teacher or guide is not one, who helps you whenever you need it, but rather the one who provides you with skills that let you fulfill your own needs and enables you to fight your own battles. And that is what impresses me most about this school, it is not dependent on the charity of others, but is able to sustain itself.

After the Break Or Break Ke Baad

2011-01-30T22:31:00.000+10:00

The reason for this post is, that I am still unwilling to let this blog completely die, I am just not ready to completely give up on it yet. And yet I have to accept that regular blogging, like in the past, is unlikely to happen, atleast anytime soon. So I will post as and when I can, and with whatever I can. There have been many events in the past month or so, that should have been posted about, but was not, including a wonderful 4th birthday for the BB. And I am not making any false promises to myself or anyone else,that I will post about them. But what I can do is make this an update post of sorts, and then hopefully keep posting on and off through the year. And since this is my first official post for 2011, here is wishing anyone who reads this a very very Happy New Year.

Well, I think most of you know, but for those who don't, I moved to Brisbane in November, searched high and low for a place to rent, found one. And as soon as we shifted, in came the floods. They have been devastating, terrible. I was very fortunate to be in a place, which had no water coming in. The GP's office was flooded, and they were evacuated from the building. Follow that up with the building sustaining substantial damages, which meant employees were not allowed in for the past few weeks. The GP has been working from home, and is set to resume office finally from tomo, after nearly 3 weeks. The advantage was, that the house was settled more quickly, and that makes me happy, but not at what the cost was. It was heart breaking to see, people, old couples, who lost everything, their entire life's possessions. And no matter how non-materialistic we are, losing an entire lifetime's worth of things, including memories, photographs and more can be a very very hard ordeal. What shone through though was the spirit of Queenslanders! Cheers to that. The council got overwhelming requests for people wanting to volunteer and help. Over 60,000 people wanted to do something, and the council had to end up apologising, for not being able to fit everyone in. Such marvels of the human spirit always brings tears to my eyes, just as it is doing right now, even as I write this. It is a long hard path ahead, what with the main city, the CBD(Central Business District) going underwater, but we will get there!!

The BB's birthday was celebrated on the 3rd of Jan, a few days before the floods. It was a wonderful day, that we thoroughly enjoyed, and which completely calmed all my doubts regarding how we would do in a new city, where we have no friends yet. It was a day at the Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary. Which meant we actually held a Koala, fed kangaroos out in the open with our own hands. Awesome fun, and the best bit being the BB enjoyed it without a sign of fear. It was lovely. Follow that up with a ferry ride across the city, and some biking along the river....it was a great fun day.

And the BB, well he has begun kindergarten here. Which basically means he has a ball of a time, running around, playing barefoot with friends, but there is rona-dhona, when I drop him off in the morning, and that does not occur if the GP performs those duties. So well, you get the picture! Not that nature has gifted me with enough mother's guilt, to last me 3 lifetimes, but my son has to add to that, and make me feel like the meanest mother on earth for leaving him in a place where he can play and have fun with children his age! The good bit is, that he is getting along with the kids here, more than he did in Melbourne. Maybe he has grown up. But unlike in Melbourne, where he would mostly play on his own, or just alongside other kids, he runs up quite a riot with the ones here. And he has loads to show and then tell me about his day, when I pick him up. I just think the bright sun makes him happier. We are, after all, tropical people, how can we survive without sunshine?

And then I obviously have to tell you the great BB's tale of glory. This Thursday, we took him for his 4 year old vaccinations. The list though similar to the one followed in India, has slight variations. Its a big pain for them as well as us, while they sit and compare the list, trying to make sure, my child has received everything that he needs to. fortunately this time they gave me an Australian list all marked and stamped, so that next time, there would be no need for all of that. And then as she said, the next shot will be, only when the BB is in high school. So rest and relax for now! Coming back to the point, I went in believing there would be 1 shot, the DPT+IPV, but there was also the MMR Booster, and then they wanted him to get an additional shot of Hep B, because they felt he should have had one at a longer gap. And they said, he could have them all the same day. Till last year, I could keep the BB distracted well enough not to realise the shot coming to him, till it actually did, and then it would be over before he knew it, and all would be well. I was a bit worried this time, since he is not quite as easy to distract now. So I tried to make it sound fun. And went all , "Oh! Wow! we are going to get injection. So cool! And the BB is such a big brave boy now. Wow!"insert more such things here. And then within a minute one after the other he received 3 shots on 2 arms, and would you believe it, not even a whimper. His eyes were set on the injections, he saw them piercing him each time, but not even a whimper. I think I am the proudest mother who ever lived.(Between the GP and me, I am the brave one here. The GP is terrified of objects that pierce the skin, while I stare at the injection while it pierces my vein and everything.) The centre was out of bubbles, and so they only gave him two little star stickers on each hand, and the boy went through most of the day without washing the back of his hand, for the fear of losing the stickers. Not a whimper, not even one... the nurse, another set of parents who were in with us, were all amazed. And yes as I said, I am the proudest mother in the world!

That kind of covers the main events so far. The house is still being set up, in terms of beautification, but I am happy with it over all. For one it has a bigger living area, and a kitchen than the older one, so more sensible planning here, and I feel good. The locality is nice, lots of family with kids, quiet, very very green, which means lot of spiders and other wildlife too, but so far I like it. Please tell em what have you been upto, and how has it been at your end, and I will try and keep updating this space, as often as I can.

Can't Really Name This One.

2010-12-07T22:55:00.000+10:00

Reading the post by Smitha today, on parenting in a balanced way, sent my mind on a long thoughtful journey. It started with what her post said about parenting, thinking of it in terms of me as the parent, to me being parented, and how everything eventually turned out. To quote, Smitha says ,

I did not want to be a pushy mother, but at the same time, did not want to ‘not push her enough’, if you know what I mean.

And that is where I agree with her the most, and yet suddenly seemed to have found a different line of thought altogether on that, after contemplating on what I read in that post. Sometimes contemplation, actually helps me find words to my thoughts, to actually articulate my abstract thoughts and concepts more concretely.

Parenting is a difficult task, to put it mildly. It needs balance, focus, alertness, and mostly great strength to stick to my guns, in the toughest times. I am nowhere near being the perfect parent, I am too aware of my flaws and shortcomings to claim that. But somewhere along the line I have also come to realise, there is no fixed definition of the perfect parent either, because each child is different, and comes with different needs, likes and dislikes. What makes someone a perfect parent to their child, might make me a nightmare to mine and vice versa. I believe as long as the basic emotions and principles are in place, one is usually on the right track. Coming back to the point of it all, what defines pushing, too much, too little or just right? What is needed by a child, what is not, and where do we draw the line? Its not easy to decide, and its not for any book(or website) to tell.

As a child I was pushed too much, the GP, not at all. We both turned out averagely OK, but I think, I spent most of my initial years, doing things that did not genuinely interest me, nor did I have a true aptitude for it. Case in point being sports. I was quite a fanatic as a child. I stayed up late nights during the football world cups, went crazy during cricket matches, and pretty much scheduled everything around the tennis Grand Slams. And today, I don't even know all of the Indian cricket team. No one pushed me to love sports, but just living in a household that lived and breathed it, I took it in, I left the house, and suddenly sports interested me, not one little bit. This is not to say, that parenting has no part to play, it is to say, that the likes, dislikes, passions of parents will definitely influence their child, maybe even for life, but somethings just remain till they remain under the direct influence of the parents. Eventually, we all move on, to or with things that really and truly interest us. Or maybe its just me.

Its just recently that a very dear friend of mine, who is a life coach, did my personality analysis, without a charge, while it is infact a part of her professional services, and we discovered, that my personality type happens to be one of the rarest. Which either means I am extra special(I am sticking with that one), or I am a nut case. Well actually neither, it just means I am who I am. I loved bits of the description about the personality type, and it made so so much sense to me. Let me digress, and share this. It said , 'You are not so much party-poopers, as you are pooped by the party'. Can't even begin to describe how true that rings for me. I love people, friends, and all, and yet a huge group of people in a social scenario scares me. I am great with people I connect with, and they just cannot believe that I am not so great with general social interactions, but I just am not. Oh! that analysis, and the description of my personality type, just made me realise I am not such an oddball after all. When I was sitting and discussing this with the lady who did the analysis, she herself one of the not-so-common-types, said, 'It really makes a lot of sense doesn't it, and it makes us realise, we are not aliens, in this race of people, just different.' How true. But coming back to the parenting aspect of it, what would have been good parenting for a person like me? Could what's described in the books work for someone like me?

The point being what to do we encourage, in our children, where do we push, and where do we stop, and where do we just let them be. Its a very tough, very difficult choice, and I think it gets even more difficult when we have more than one child. It would be so so so tough to recognise the separate needs of multiple kids, and treat them according to their own sensibilities. But here again, I contradict my own beliefs.

I believe every individual has their own aptitude, and there is that something special for everyone of us. And it is foolish to generalise that. Because we need all kinds for the world to live and continue. the soldiers are needed as much as the doctors, the musicians are needed as much as the engineers, and it is but foolish if we prefer one over the other, and force the choice, or direct our children in that direction. And when we impose nothing on our children, we let them find their own way, find what is their true calling. I believe the most important ingredients in bringing up a child, are

an environment with abundant and unconditional love.
teaching through conduct of vales and principles that make a good person.
and imparting them with the desire to look beyond the mundane, and expect more than money and material things from this life.

This is not to say, I encourage my child to not study the day before a school math test, because he does not feel like it, and I feel that his true calling lies in poetry and not math. But this is to say, that I hope I do not impose my own likes or dislikes on him, in anyway that will diminish or superimpose his own. But then are also those children who thrive in a world full of rules, discipline and routine, what if my child needs just that and I fail to provide that to him. God! parenting is such a difficult job, there just can never be any clear cut, set rules for it. It is for each of us to find the style that best suits our child and us, and that itself is a difficult task, and then to later stick to that path even harder.

I might be an oddity, but I have no big dreams for the BB, atleast not yet. I have no visions of him being a great scientist/astronaut/ player/author/actor/poet or anything at all. I just hope that he is happy, all his life. And hopefully he will find the path that leads him to his own happiness. I hope I can as a parent equip him with the tools he requires to find that. I am more likely to be the parent who does not push the child at all, rather than the ones who push too much. And that is primarily because, I want my child to find his own way, and also because I was pushed way too much, as child myself, and that makes me feel like I lost so so many precious years, following a dream that was not mine, and could never had made me happy, years that were the best time to concentrate on gaining skills or an education to equip me to follow the path my heart leads me to.

I don't know, if I have made any sense at all in this post, but it was more of a clearing up my own thoughts and trying to articulate, those that I feel but cannot express in words. I believe truly that each individual has that something special in them, and each one will follow their heart, and true calling. And I believe that every parent should, let their child/ren find what makes them tick, and to the best of their ability nurture their child to follow that, no matter how similar or different it is from their own. And that is also because I don't believe any child is born with the natural instinct to kill, hurt or do other evil acts, those are always and but always ones that they learn from the people around them.

Why Do You Want It?

2010-12-06T21:20:00.000+10:00

Money, that what I am talking about here. Do you want money for the sake of money, or for the comforts or security or whatever else it can afford you? Different people want it for different reasons, and those reasons float around aplenty, and vary greatly too. Some cannot hold onto it for too long, its gone as soon as it reaches them, others, value it more than their own life, and keep it stowed away safely, pinching every penny that's spent. Some have less than what they need, some have way too much. And there are a very very fortunate few I believe who have just as much as they need.

Whatever it is, there are few who escape the charm of money. Is money evil, like a few people claim it is, like the ones who renounce all the charms of the world and go on to attain enlightenment? I don't think so, money like friction, I believe is a necessary evil. We need it, to live in the world, and yet its easy to fall for its charms and lust for it. I was similarly talking about the Internet, with a lovely philosophical friend of mine recently. She does not use the Internet much, except for the essential needs,(much unlike an addict like me) and is wary of how it can be quite a deep dark hole. And while talking to her, I realised, the Internet, is to us what we make of it. For me, its a way to stay in touch with friends, mainly, sometimes pick up bits of information, reading a few blogs, and ofcourse, using Google when I am stuck with pretty much anything. And it was while talking to her, that I realised it myself, and told her, that e-mails, and social networking websites are such an easy and wonderful way to be a part of the ongoings of the life of my friends, who live in time zones, which are almost the exact reverse of my own, and phone conversations or even skype calls, are pretty much impossible to schedule. To me the Internet is a friend, a boon. But then I digress.

So what about money? Just like the Internet, I think it is what we perceive it to be, how and why we want it. I fear developing too much of an affection for money, one where, I want money just for the sake of it being money. I fear becoming a miser, developing a love for money, I fear becoming a slave to it, like I see so many around me are. No there is no denying that I do need money, enough to keep my family and me happy, and definitely that requires more than just basic food, and clothes. But I want to draw the line at that, and not let it engulf my being. It scares me, when I see people like that, completely enamoured by money,people who want it, and love it so much, they have become a slave to it. I hope I always have enough, sense and wits about me, not to fall prey to the entrapment of money in that way. I hope I always, have a bit to spare for the one who needs it more than me, enough to provide for food, shelter, clothing and security for the three of us and not much more, because that may just make me want some more. Somehow, when I think of what I want, its never the money, but some thing that I fancy, a trip, or a meal or something like that but never money itself. There is very little I have ever saved and kept away, I know its not a very responsible thing to do, as a mother, but somehow I don't think I have the mind set to do it. My extravagance has toned down considerably over the years, once the initial rush of having my own money subsided. I in no way discount, they security a huge bank balance affords the owner, but somehow, the idea of having money for the sake of money, just does not make sense to me. Isn't that the cause of all the financial inequalities in the world today?

Tell me, do you fancy money? Why do you fancy it, what does it mean to you? Is it a subtle sense of comfort or the prime motive of your existence? What does money mean to you?

Huh?

2010-12-03T11:37:00.002+10:00

Had to share it here, before I forget all about it. The GP met an interesting personality at his new workplace. the experience is his, but it was too 'special' to not mention here, for a few laughs!

An Indian man, who has been in Australia for over six years now, is working in the same office, as the GP. They were attending a meeting together, which included lunch and drinks. In a room full of people, during lunch, he asks the GP, about his detailed whereabouts, which city in India, what language and more. He then, once again in loud tones, enquires about the GP's visa status, how he came to Australia and more, and people I am just keeping it short here, but believe me, it was an in depth public interrogation, which also included queries about his current pay package, perks and more. The GP managed to escape, and was talking to the others, with a drink in his hand, when Mr.'I-am-from-India', turns up again. And this is what I think was the highlight, that had me burst out laughing, when the GP narrated it to me, but I can only imagine how mortifying it might have been for him at that point.

Him -(Pointing at the glass in the GP's hand and loudly) You drink alcohol?
GP - (nods quietly)
Him - Oh! But people from India don't usually drink alcohol. X,Y* and myself, we don't drink alcohol.

(*X & Y are 2 men from India, unknown to the GP who work in the same office.)

I don't know how the GP escaped that. I think he must have been quite red-faced!

So all you people, who truly belong to India(read, those who don't drink alcohol), please raise your hands here.

The One Which Is Actually A Mail

2010-12-01T13:25:00.002+10:00

I have been wanting to post, and mail about the move, to all my friends and readers. And I thought, since its basically the same stuff, I will just use it in both the places. Yes, I am now safely in Brisbane, in a serviced apartment, while the GP is off to his first day at work, at yet another new place. Strange how for 6 years he stayed with the same organisation, but has been changing his work place each year since the last three. Anyway, so I mailed, my friends in Melbourne about the move, and I am just representing the mail out here, to all of you. Will just link up the blog friend, here, who has been a total pillar in my existence in Melbourne.

Hi Melbourne!

How are you doing? Do you miss me? I miss you terribly, bad climatic conditions included. I am mailing it out to the whole lot of my Melbourne friends, so please excuse the lack of personal queries about your well being. But this is addressed to my very very dear friends, and I would love to know about how you are doing. (And i need updates on how the quit-smoking program is working out, from the ones on it!! STAY ON COURSE.)

Well, the last few days were quite crazy and hectic, what else is to be expected, when I am moving out of a city, with a kid in tow, and the move includes a couple of nights in a hotel, and then another month and a half in a serviced apartment... I just did not know how to pack, what to pack, and what to send with the packers! But anyways things got done, and on Wednesday, the 24th morning, once the packing was done, I headed off to my last shift at the WIRE phone-room.( I feel really sad, not going there today.... breaks my heart, with the reality of the fact, that I have actually ceased to be an active part, of what was the start of a wonderful journey for me, hopefully one that continues throughout my lifetime. I miss you WIRE, the work you enabled me to do, and the wonderful friends you gave me.) It was a great shift, infact one of my best there, and that is a lot due to the wonderful ladies I had working with me on that shift. :) Thursday was moving of the stuff, us shifting to the hotel and such... The hotel, people, was the one right next door, so made it easy to monitor the ongoings at home, while shifting our luggage there. That day the house, which had become home over the past 11 months, became bare, the carpet was cleaned, I scrubbed and cleaned every available surface, for the inspection, and my little boy, just hung around watching. I need to tell you how wonderful the BB been through all of it, very sporting, no tantrums, no craziness. At the end of the day however, after the carpet was cleaned, we had no place to even sit on, and that was when he asked me to get the bed from the truck. Moved into the hotel soon enough, and at night, he wanted to go home to the bed. I had not the heart to explain to him, that we were not without a home, and would be thus, for a while. He was uncomfortable bathing in the hotel room, but did it anyways without much fussing. and so on.

By Friday evening however, it felt like Melbourne was ready to throw us out. We did not find a decent place to eat at Lygon Street, not that we knew of too many nice ones anyway... but.... Just shows, its not always a great idea to try out new, unknown places. We were tiered to the bone, when we reached back at night... exhausted with the past few days of work, and exertion. I had barely slept 3-4 hours a night, the past few days. And so we decided to just crash on the bed, and sleep till as long as we could, since our flight to Brisbane was in the afternoon on Saturday. Left the packing and locking of suitcases to the morning. BIG MISTAKE! While deep in slumber, the room-phone rang. It was the reception calling to say the check-out time was 10:30 and it was infact 10:30 right then. Jumped out of the bed, packed as quickly as we could and left. Fortunately, managed to catch an earlier flight. Things went well from there on. The flight was nice, got our rent-a-car conveniently at the airport, and were in our current abode, within an hour and a half of landing. The weather was gorgeous. Bright and sunny, yet a nice cool breeze blowing. Wow! I loved it. I haven't any photos of the place yet, because I am yet to pull my camera out of the bag, so sorry about that. We are living just across the Brisbane river, and its simply gorgeous.:) The whole walk-way along the river, is so so beautiful.

My initial impression of this place is, that its more laid back than Melbourne. There are no Coles or other supermarkets, that are open 24X7, in fact the lady at the register, at the Coles Express we had been to, to get some milk and bread, asked us if we had come from Melbourne, since, the stores are open all day(and night) long there. People are well dressed, but not as well as those in Melbourne. We are looking for a house, ofcourse, may take a while to find one, that we love though. Its no help that we know absolutely no one in this city, and that makes me miss Melbourne, with the wonderful set of friends I had formed there, even more. You were the ones who guided me around the streets, the public transport, the shops and more. The ones, who showed me around, and were always there when I needed anything, even to just talk my heart out. The ones who helped me with understanding the culture, the people and the way of life, and taught me not to take things personally. The ones, who inspired me to develop a more charitable, altruistic outlook towards life, and helped me become a part of FOK(Friends Of Kolkata

). And the ones, who helped me understand myself better! I was really sad about leaving Melbourne, mainly because that meant leaving these wonderful friends behind, and also quitting WIRE, which means a lot to me. But then someone in the phone-room, said to me, 'Always remember Melbourne(and WIRE) for giving you direction.' and that is exactly how I wish to remember it, as my starting point. I will miss you, but then I am always just a mail or call away....and that means, I will never really lose my lovely friends.

Visit us soon, as soon as we get a place to live in, and settle down.
Hugs and Smiles,
GM

PS - The house inspection went really well. The agent, thought we had hired professional cleaners for the job. :D Yes I think I may just be ready for trying out a new profession here! ;)

Of Lovely People I Shall Miss

2010-11-11T15:39:00.006+10:00

It is really interesting to see, how a small change in mindset, brings in such a huge change in our lives. Fortunately for me its been a positive change, but it also makes me wonder what when the mind takes a negative turn. From the time the BB was born, I was terribly home-bound. Not a bad thing in itself, but somehow it lead to a huge amount of loneliness, and depression as time went by, and eventually culminated into frustration. Led to all kinds of addictions like the telly and the internet. And what are they but hollow pleasures that do nothing for the soul. And all this also meant there were many an unpleasant situation arising in my life, personal issues, unnecessary tensions, needless clashes with friends and family, bad health and more than anything else, always ending up surrounded by people, who had a toxic influence on my life. (And there is a reason why I use the word toxic here, and I will tell you about it soon enough.) I paid too much attention to the things that were wrong, and very little to the ones that were right. It had a ripple effect in every aspect of my life so to say. But since the past one year, things have been changing. I have found a new meaning of life, and everything that surrounds it. What began as a small step, that I took unknowingly, has cascaded into what now looks like a wonderful change in my life.

What was my first clue you may ask, well honestly, it never hit me till very recently, when I realised, what amazing friends, and people I will leave behind when I move now. Oh! wait, I forgot, I haven't blogged in so so long, that I have not said it here. Yes, we are nomads, its official. And so we are moving places. It has got to do something with the BB's astrological alignments, I believe, because he is yet to celebrate two consecutive birthdays in the same place. Yes, so I am blaming the moving around, all on him. So what if he is small, and cute, and immensely adorable. If I say its his fault, well then it IS! And fortunately its a domestic move this time, meaning we don't go out of the country, just yet, so Brisbane it is for us. I am looking forward to the warmer weather, and beautiful beaches already. The winters this year have been really tough for the BB, and now with spring, as prominent as it is here, the little thing is suffering from hay fever, and hopefully Brisbane will bring respite to all of that.

Now that I have told you about the moving again bit, let me go back to the original plot of this post. I was surprised at the fact that I had met more good people than bad in this place. That's a first in my life. I have more issues, of, why-do-I-need-to-meet-such-people-in-my-life, than moments of euphoria, at having met people I love. (I recently found out the reason for that too, atleast the technical one, which says, my personality type is one of the really rare ones, and hence me, and others like me often feel like aliens in the world. So true I tell you! Having it spelt out, just makes me feel so much better.) And so it has been a really amazing stay in Melbourne, and I am really blown away by all the wonderful, lovely inspiring people I have met here, and more importantly the really strong positive friendships I have formed, with people, who help me be a better person, people who have a positive influence on my life. And its difficult to describe in words just how much I will miss them all.

Yesterday, I had an afternoon shift at work(and what a shift it was, we had an old suicidal lady who called up towards the end of the day, fortunately, it was not me who took the call, and yet I was so stressed out towards the end of it.), and so I met up this wonderful lady, whom I had met at work for lunch before that. She was so immensely warm and welcoming, and I felt so wonderful to be around her. She runs her own business, and is now stepping into 'Life Coaching', which is about helping people reach their goals and fulfill their dreams, by understanding them, their personalities*, and then helping them work with their inherent skills, and around their obstacles. Its such a fascinating and fulfilling line of work. And unlike what I have seen of a lot of other professionals, she was so openly sharing her knowledge and tips with me. Its she who sent me questionnaires, to asses my personality, and encouraged the GP to fill in a copy too. She analysed both our personalities, and without any charges. And that touched me so much, because that is part of her professional service. And it turns out she and I have similar personalities, and so no wonder it was so easy to get along. At lunch yesterday, she spoke to me about what are the things that are my road blocks, and what I could do to overcome them. And it was then that she told me, that she uses a technique, where in she gets people to list the relationships they share with friends and family, in terms of those that are mutual, uplifting or toxic. And I realised how infact it would make such a huge impact, if we actually wrote it down on paper and knew what kind of influence we surround ourself with. It was fascinating to just listen to her, and get so many of the things that I felt were oddities in my nature, affirmed, as a part of my personality type by her. She is one of the many wonderful friends I will miss when I move.

The Diwali weekend infact ended, up being very very joyous, and yet a dampener in its own way. For dinner on Diwali, we had a couple come over. I met the girl, C during my training, and she was the one who introduced me to Friends Of Kolkata. So her partner M and she were over. They have both been to Kolkata a couple of times, and hence were looking forward to some Indian food. Made life a lot easier for me, to be very very honest. And it was wonderful to see them relish the meal. Now M and C are a part of a band, and are very musically inclined people. So after dinner C played us a lot of music on her brand new flute...... and we sat around chatted, laughed, and simply enjoyed ourselves till late in the night. The BB refused to go to sleep, and wanted to hang around his new friends. It was especially heartening for me to see the GP, be so open and friendly with people, he was meeting pretty much for the first time, considering how reserved and held back he usually is. It takes him ages to connect and open up to people.

And the very next day we were over for dinner at one of my friends from school, who did not really know too well in school, but we connected in some way in this far away land. And may I just say they are such a sweet and wonderful couple. It was so easy to settle in, no awkward pauses, no strange silences. They had the most adorable, young poodle,O and the BB has completely lost his heart to that thing. Every morning since then he wakes up and asks for O. And after spending the evening with them, where all of us so enjoyed ourselves, I felt really sad at having actually met them just a few weeks before I move away. And that is the reason its a damper, because I will not be around these people, all that much anymore.

Sunday was lunch treat at Trish's, and we reached terribly late, sorry again for that Trish. And had such a whale of a time. The BB and Aadi, actually went and hid behind the sofa to discuss secrets, which was just so cute. Wonder what secrets they have at such a young age! I will so miss not having Trish in the same city as me..... even though we don't end up meeting all that often, atleast the hope of it is always alive so far. And yes, she made some yummy kebabs for us!

And then there is T, another friend I made during my training, who studies philosophy, and speaks so eloquently of the abstract philosophies, thinks so deeply, and is such a beautiful person inside out. I will so miss meeting her every now and then, and discussing the spiritual and the abstract. How wonderful it is to have met so many positive, inspiring people in a span of less than a year. How often does that happen? But then I believe, that the kind of people we attract, is based on our own mindset. Just like so so many people call Melbourne racist, and while I had my initial doubts, they have all been totally washed away now. I have not met anyone who is racist here, nor experienced any behaviour, that I can label as being racist. So I guess its true, that the kind of energy, we radiate from ourselves, is the kind that comes back to us. And so its been a really wonderful and fulfilling time for me here, in terms of meeting wonderful and lovely people. And I will dearly miss them when I move.

On an aside, I scolded an Indian boy/young man on the street yesterday. I saw him throwing away a cigarette stub, on the busy sidewalk in the city, when the bin was less than 50 metres away. By natural instinct, I was upset, but walked away. But then it just did not feel right to walk away. So I walked back to him, and asked him, if he was from India. He was a bit hesitant, but replied in the affirmative. I then told him sternly, that it was really wrong, of him to do what he did, esp, when this is not his home country, and it gives a bad name to all Indians. I probably should have made him pick up the stub and throw it in the bin, but then I did not wish to create a scene. Its not right to dispose off rubbish irresponsibly anywhere at all, but when we are in a different country, our behaviour reflects back not only on ourselves, but on the rest of my country too, that is something one always needs to keep in mind. Unofficially, we become representatives of our family, organisation, school, university, country etc, when we step away from them, and hold them as part of our identity, and our public behaviour should always be a representation of that, and hence it becomes more important to behave better.

* The personality types, that I talk about are based on the Myer-Briggs type indicator. You can read about it in detail here. I am an INFJ.

Oh! But its Just a Whimper!

2010-10-29T22:10:00.004+10:00

The blog is back you see, but not with much of a bang, just a whimper. I left abruptly, I know. No excuses would suffice, I know. So let me just straight out apologise. What brought me back? I am not quite sure of that either.... maybe its Harry Potter. OK, let me say it. Once I took the blog out of the public eye. I thought I will re-vamp it and bring it back. Plans were, for a grand re-doing. Well, that did not happen, and seeing my current schedule, and terrible time management skills, I don't see that working sometime in the near future either. And so I waited, and waited and waited, to write a kick-ass post, but.... you guessed it, that did not happen either. And I wondered, if I would ever make the blog public again. But I also knew I had to. And so today, while Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is playing on TV, I decided to multi-task and type atleast a small hello, to all my wonderful friends, who wondered what happened. Thank you so much all for the concern, and queries, I guess that is what brought me back. There has been a slight re-vamp as you can see, but not much of a do-up.

Life has been as usual. A little bit of work, a lot of the BB, and a pinch of the GP. The weather is improving and getting warmer, which should enable me to get out more, but does not happen as often as I would like, where the weather is so so unpredictable. But yes, the warm sunny days, are just glorious. Made a complete a$$ of myself, in a social interaction recently, and God! am I embarrassed. It involves someone I know at work, expressing that she wanted to catch up with me, quite ardently a couple of times. Well, me being the fool I am, thought, it was a genuine interest, and mailed her saying, we could have coffee, sometime together. Her response completely blew me off, she claimed to be too busy, and mentioned, if I called her, she would most likely be unable to even return the call. It was just two sentences, and I wish I could reproduce them here, but that would not be right now, would it? And that just left me feeling like such a fool. Why do I take people on face value, when would I ever learn!!

I miss my blogging, I want to blog, just need to make sometime, hope I can get better with managing time. All I can say is, it feels good to be back. :)

Goodbye For Now

2010-10-11T08:39:00.004+10:00

Yes, its time for farewell. This blog closes down now......nothing much to say, except, that its just the time I guess. Mind is boggled up, feeling kinda crazy..... need the space and time to think, and no one reading anything off my mind ever seems like a good idea. Take care, and be well friends!

The Birthday Post

2010-10-06T05:00:00.003+10:00

I am writing this post in advance, because I know I will be hit by the birthday blues soon on the day, and the post may not turn out, the way I want it to. It is really strange how birthdays have become so normal and neutral over the years to me. Ten years back I would not have thought it possible. But it happened... and I am learning to live with it.

This time I turn a year over 30, and it just does not feel special, atleast numerically. Feels like an odd out-of-sorts number to turn into. Strangely I don't feel 31, at all, maybe 27, but not 31, the sprouting grey strands tell a different tale altogether, though. And since there is not much I have to write about, unlike the last time, where it felt like I was going from one era into another, I decided to write about the most special thing in my life, the one thing that I am the most grateful for, the GP. He is my most precious blessing, not only because, the wonderful person he is, but also for the anchor and influence he is in my life.

We have been together for over 9 years, married for almost 8 of them, and I think having him in my life, has definitely made me a better person every single day. Sometimes, when I sit back and think, I am amazed, and can't believe that he is actually mine. He is calm, cool and collected always. (Trust me, I do need that kind of an influence in my life to function smoothly.) There have been moments, that I could not believe he was being as calm as he was, and had it notbeen for him at those times, I might have permanently damaged some relationships. I love the way he thinks before he leaps, so so unlike me.

He is the greatest support, and my pillar of strength. He is not romantic, nor an elaborate exhibitionist, nor a man with fancy words nor the one with pomp and show. But with him, you can be assured of true support and total dedication. He actually supports me in all my decisions, and life choices, stands by and helps me the best way he can. I have learnt to appreciate that in leaps and bounds the past few months. From the day I started my training, he was my rock. He pushed me, when I got cold feet, about leaving the BB at daycare and going, he took the day off from his work (which runs this household), when the BB fell ill on the day of my training. He, took a few hours off work, when I had my mid-training interview on a day, when the BB was to be at home. He has been just extraordinarily supportive. I could not have actually done the training and got on with the work had it not been for him. And I know, its a lot more then most other men would have done. Its surprising, how so many people, at the workplace have actually asked me, if my husband was OK with my volunteer work. I could not in a couple of sentences, explain to them, just how supremely supportive he is. He treats my work, with greater respect, than possibly even I do. After every shift he asks me about the day without fail, does so much to make me feel that my work does count. I have infact been divided on whether to call my 'work' work, or just something I do, and it was again the GP, who recently called my place of work, my office, that actually, made it real work to me. Had it not been for him, his time, effort and support, I would definitely not be doing what I currently am.

Ofcourse, I would not have the wonderful BB without him, and that just fetches him extra brownie points in my book. And to top that,he is just such an amazing father. I am not half as good a parent as is he. His amazing calm and patience, with the BB surprises me. The few hours of the day he spends with the BB are so much more meaningful and productive than the whole rest of the day that he spends with me. The GP teaches him so many things, and I wonder how I never think of any of those. He is loving, giving and amazingly forgiving as a father. He sits on the floor, and plays with the BB's Lego and blocks with him for hours, encourages him in his fun kiddy adventures, lets him play havoc on the laptop, and learning that way. The GP is the more worried and tensed of the two of us, when the BB is ill, he just cannot rest or sit in peace, till the BB is up and running again, I have grown better with that over time. Most of his life decisions are now based on how it would affect the BB. I never stop admiring how loving and giving GP, the father is.

He is neat and tidy, understanding, open-minded and a great great cook to. I forever count my blessings, and feel thankful for his being mine, and truly believe that he is God's greatest gift to me. Thanks for being mine darling, and I hope I celebrate many many more birthdays with you.

Rare Sighting!

2010-10-02T21:00:00.000+10:00

We were on our way back home, on Sunday evening, after an outing, and we were passing the Royal Melbourne Hospital on our way. Traffic lights made us stop, and I spotted the whirring blades of a helicopter atop the hospital building. I knew at once it was an air ambulance. Being an avid viewer of Grey's Anatomy, Dr.House and others, does have its benefits. It was like film turning into reality. The GP, was game, and so he went across the road and parked for a bit, while we actually saw the air-ambulance take-off from the roof.

Here are some of the pictures, for you to enjoy.

That's when it was up there, flying away.

Taking A Step

2010-09-30T16:30:00.000+10:00

...... small as it maybe.

The abysmal state of preparations for the CommonWealth Games(CWG) are no secret to the world. How terribly it has tarnished the name of India, we can all imagine. It hurts to see a new piece about the bad state of affairs in Delhi, each time I turn in to the news of the television. Not being too into sports helps at times like this, but I can not will not ever stop being an Indian. Last week on my way to work(yes, its work to me now, ever since the GP, asked me 'Aren't you in office?'), traveling in the tram, I had to sit through a rough half an hour, with the woman sitting next to me, talking to a co-traveller, about the CWG, and adding onto it, with many other negative comments on India. I fought hard not to let my tears out. Got off the tram, reached office, and actually took a while to compose myself, before I actually went to work. And it was then that I decided, that though I am not physically in India, and even if I had been, there was not much I could have practically done, to help with the Games, but I decided to do something, something more than whining and complaining. And so I decided to write to the PM of India. And I did. The first draft, was very me, raw, emotional, angry, accusatory, and to me very honest too. I let The GP have a read before I mailed it, and in his usual cool way of going about things, he said, "Its nice. But, I doubt if it will ever reach the PM, with kind of aggression the letter portrays." Earlier I would have sent it anyways, but now I thought, what's the point in taking the effort and not making it count, so I toned it down, re-wrote it and finally posted it yesterday. I am happy that I did something instead of sitting and cribbing about things. One of the reasons I stopped posting on my old blog, on social issues, was because I did not want to just write without doing anything concrete, about things. I think its pointless to rant and rave, and write, and in actuality do absolutely nothing to turn things around. So this is my little bit.

This is what I wrote, and I promise to tell you, if I hear back from him.

"Dear Mr. Singh,

I write this letter to you, in a state of great mental anguish today. I write to you, because I want to do something concrete, instead of lying around, whining, complaining and feeling miserable, as I usually end up feeling in situations like these. I am writing this to you, because I think the ultimate responsibility of India lies with you, every aspect of it, is ultimately your responsibility. And hence, you are the person I am reaching out to with my complaint, or should I say humiliation.

I am currently living in Australia, where my husband works to earn a living, and these days, I step out of my home, onto the streets, with a cold fear in my heart. The fear of being humiliated, or hearing taunts about the state of things regarding the CommonWealth Games. Today, as I was traveling by tram to my place of work, a middle-aged lady, came and sat next to me, she began talking to the man sitting across from us, and during the course of her conversation, she said, "Oh well! There is nothing to say about the Commonwealth Games ofcourse, with ceilings falling off, what can we say." There was more, and besides the words, the tone of the speaker, left no doubt about the feeling of disgust and pity she had towards India. It hurt, and it hurt bad. I upset me a great deal. I was almost in tears by the time I reached my stop, and it took me a while to calm done and settle into my work for the day. I went on with my day, but felt like a knife had stabbed my heart, and was left there.

Why sir, do we let our own country down so badly? Why with a population of over a billion people, could we not make a complete success of the Games? Why have we become objects of ridicule and humiliation in front of the world? Why is the state of things so abysmal, when we have but a handful of days left for the Games to begin. You are the head of the state, and you can command its resources, as you see fit, why then sir, did you allow things to go so terribly awry? I am terribly dejected and disappointed, by the way India's name and image have been tarnished, and I can only ask you, what are your plans to turn things around?

Kind Regards,
A disheartened Indian."

It is not a big deal, I know, but it is an effort to make myself heard. And if anyone else, is interested, in taking such steps, you can find the contact details of the Indian PM online, and you can even send him an e-mail of upto 500 words, if you wish to. It is not a lot of effort, but it can be one step you take, to make a difference. Don't cave in, don't give up. Keep trying.

Letter To The Prime Minister

2010-09-30T16:00:00.001+10:00

Dear Mr. Singh,

I write this letter to you, in a state of great mental anguish today. I write to you, because I want to do something concrete, instead of lying around, whining, complaining and feeling miserable, as I usually end up feeling. I am writing this to you, because I think the ultimate responsibility of India lies with you, every aspect of it, is ultimately your responsibility. I cannot do much else, but I think I need you to hear out my complaints, because I am an Indian, and you are my country's Prime Minister.

I am currently living in Australia, where my husband works to earn a living, and these days, I step out of my home, onto the streets, with a cold fear in my heart. Not unfounded, sir, but completely your fault. Today, as I was traveling by train to my place of work, a middle-aged lady, came and sat next to me, she began talking to the man sitting across from us, and during the course of her conversation, she said, "Oh well! There is nothing to say about the Commonwealth games ofcourse, with ceilings falling off, what can we say." There was more, and besides the words, the tone of the speaker, left no doubt about the feeling of disgust and pity she had towards India. It hurt, and it hurt bad. I don't know if it bothers you, but it upset me a great deal. I was almost in tears by the time I reached my stop, and it took me a while to calm done and settle into my work for the day. I went on with my day, but felt like a knife had stabbed my heart, and was left there.

For all of it, I hold no one but you responsible. Because, you are the Prime Minister of India, and the country is your responsibility. Every aspect of it. The communal riots, your failure, the corruption your failure, the poverty, the homelessness, your failure, every crime committed, every terrorist attack that happens in the country is your personal failure sir. Not that of the government, the law, the states, but you personal failure. They all work under you, you command every bit of it, you sit on top of the pyramid, and hence if you enjoy the benefits of that position, you and you alone are to blame to. If you say, it is not possible to take care of it all, then you must be unfit for the position, and should not have tried to take on a responsibility that is too big for you. With resources of over 1 billion people at hand, nothing is impossible, for the man who really cares to make a difference. You sir, have simply no excuses. I believe that when you were sworn into your office, there was some sense of pride and responsibility in you, about the work you were entrusted with. Obviously I was mistaken. As the head of the nation, you have failed us at every level, and you are bringing nothing but shame to India. You provide it with neither safety, nor security, neither food, nor water, and you cannot even ensure that the CommonWealth Games take place well, for which you received money.

I will end by saying, you fail me, my country, and my fellow country men. I am severely ashamed of you, and what you and your gang(I don't think it will be fair to call a bunch of corrupt, criminal people, the government, just because they managed to prise their way into the parliament by hook or by crook.) are doing to MY country, because its you, who is responsible for the sad state of affairs.

Yours Truly,
A Disgruntled Indian.

Jhonny Jhonny

2010-09-28T22:09:00.003+10:00

Remember the nursery rhyme anyone???
Here it goes..

Jhonny Jhonny?
Yes Papa,
Eating Sugar?
No Papa.
Telling Lies?
No Papa,
Open Your Mouth
Ha Ha Ha.

Now, what if you have favourite bits in the rhyme, and want to save that for the last? What would you do? This....

Jhonny Jhonny?
Eat Sugar?
Lies?
Opeen Mouth?
No Papa,
No Papa,
Aha ha ha!

And that is exactly how the BB does it. 'No Papa', and the 'Ha Ha Ha', are his favourite lines, so he says the rest of the rhyme first, in a way that feels like someone, has pressed the fast-forward button on the remote, and then savours his favourite bits at the end!

He picked up the song 'Soft Kitty' song from The Big Bang Theory today. That is the only TV program that the GP and I both love equally, and so I think there has been quite an overdose of it for the BB. But that he picked up the song, is just too fun. This is what was on TV today, its sweet, hear it.

Of Babies and Training

2010-09-27T15:06:00.000+10:00

I probably should write kids or children in the place of babies, in the title, but then I also know that the BB will forever be a baby to me, no matter how old he gets. He is growing like a weed, with each passing day I miss my little baby, who I could cuddly all day long, who had cheeks that were always hanging, because they used to be so heavy. I have a tallish, skinny boy on my hands instead now. And thus the time runs.

I am in great agony and confusion these days, over the BB's toilet training. He is obviously well versed with the way of doing it, on his own whatever, when indoors, but my problem is with times when we go out. Not always do we go to places with toilets at hand, and often when we leave home, we are not sure of how long would we be out. Add to that, the GP's and my paranoia, about taking the BB to a public toilet, and you have a confused puddle of a mother that is me. I find it regressive to put him in a diaper, when he obviously does not need one, and yet not wanting to get him into public toilets, what option am I left with when we are on long outings. I wonder if other mother's have faced the same dilemma, with their little ones, or am I just being stupidly paranoid. I don't understand, what would be the right way of going about things at this point in time. Any pieces of advice, from others who have been there done that, how did you make the transition complete?

Chocolates As Perks.

2010-09-24T10:00:00.001+10:00

Its one of the two professions in the world, I think I am completely unfit for, and I could never picture myself doing either, and yet that is exactly what I took up recently. Not loving it, but its not driving me nuts the way i thought it would. Any guesses???? Teaching it is.

No, its not a teacher's job, and no I am not taking it up as a profession either. I am just helping out. The organisation where I volunteer, as a phone worker, also happens to run free basic computer courses for women thrice a week. The walk-in office has four computers with Internet connections, available for any woman who wants to use it, the rest of the time. The classes are just two hours a week, and when I say 'basic' computers, it is more basic than you think it is. They were having classes on Wednesdays, and I volunteered to help, since I had that as a BB free day. Last week was my first time, and it turned out quite alright.

The four ladies who are part of this batch, are all older than me, two are grand-mothers infact. They have very little if any knowledge at all of computers or the Internet, and are trying to understand what the world is going bonkers about I think. Trying to get them started with an e-mail id, ready to communicate the new-world way, the basics of windows operations, simple things like opening or closing a window, and even familiarising them with the keyboard. That is what it is mostly all about. Besides being time well spent, its interesting to observe what these women learn within the two hours. I hope I have half the enthusiasm these ladies do, at their age.

The one woman I spent most of my time with in the last session, is an old grandmotherly Swiss woman, who has loads to talk, always with a smile on her face. The fact that she is battling cancer now, had lost almost all her memory in an accident a few years ago, are things that I would have never guessed about her, if she had not confided in me. She is a darling to say the least. Very wary of the Internet, because she wonders if it is safe at all to even type her name out there, but very sweet none the less. Today she came in and handed over these little chocolate boxes to the other volunteer and me. And it took me back to my school-days, where we would carry flowers, chocolates, cards and what not every Teacher's Day to school, for our beloved teachers. I could not believe how it was me at the receiving end today. Felt good no doubt!

It is fun, and I am fortunate to have the opportunity to try out different things, while helping others. As for the chocolates, they just make the experience sweeter. :)

PS - For those who might still be wondering, the second profession is practising medicine.

The Making Of The Dosa!

2010-09-23T13:07:00.000+10:00

Since the past few years, the masala dosa has been one of my most favourite dishes. When I married the GP, and became a part of a South Indian family, my dosa sensibilities were shocked. Dosa was no longer what arrived on a huge plate with sambhar, chutney and sometimes gun-powder, but something that was used to eat the curries with, something akin to my way of eating a roti. I did not take to that too well, I liked my dosa, with masala, the way I was used to it. And it was always so easy and cheap to find this delicious meal in India, and even in Sharjah. But things did not remain the same, once I got here. It is not that easy to find delicious dosa in this part of the world. And so finally, putting all my fears on hold, I actually decided to try making some on my own.

I ribbed the GP about his roots, and he tried his hand at a couple and did quite well, I must add. The masala, was the easy bit, it was the actual dosa that I really feared. But seems like, my fears were unfounded. I did pretty well, and the result was very very delicious. Here is the step by step representation of how it went.

My first attempt ever. I used to so so fear trying this dish, and I am so happy i finally did give it a try. One of my favourite foods, and now I can make it at home.

Some Reflections About WWII

2010-09-20T16:27:00.004+10:00

I am reading this book, based during the World War 2, and it has led to a barrage of thoughts in my mind. I am not a person interested in History, Politics or wars, so all that I know about WW2 was what I learned in school. The reasons were obviously political, because there will never be a war, let alone, one that involves pretty much all of the world, unless and until there are strong political motivations. But that is not my point, it is something else that came to my mind, infact something that I think is a very positive aspect of the war.

Adolf Hitler(God knows how I hate that ~~monster~~creature), led the single largest atrocious genocide in human history. He tried, very strongly to pretty much eradicate the Jewish race from the face of the earth. Fortunately for humanity, he did not completely succeed. The horrors of tyranny in the concentration camps, are not hidden from the world today. The Diary Of Anne Frank, till date remains one of the most powerful books ever published, some have even said, that is the book they would want to take to the grave with them. However, my point is not that. It is the fact, that Hitler a Christian by religion, was waging a war against the Jews, and that could be all means be seen as one of the most religious wars of all times. What is extremely heartening though was to see, so so many other nations of the world, consisting of primarily Christian citizens, stand up in arms, against the misdeeds of Hitler, fight against him, and provide refuge to the Jews who managed to escape.

There were Christian people, across the world, who joined hands, to protect and fight for the Jews, against another Christian who was trying to kill them. There is no denying the war was not simply altruistic, but there were very many, selfish motives, power struggles, and more that resulted in the war. But we cannot turn our back on the fact that other Christian dominated countries, fought against a Christian(Hitler) oppressing the Jews, and they lent aid, and help to save and protect the Jewish victims. Isn't that what humanity is all about.

Been Long

2010-09-16T23:02:00.002+10:00

Its been just so so long, that this space is seeming alien to me, as I type today. Just wanted to see, how it feels to type here. Sometimes, I cannot believe just how madly I loved this space, and would feel a day was wasted, if I did not look in here, and somehow, time, thoughts, willingness, nothing seem to bring me here of late. Not nice, I say. Why? Because I have made such such amazing friends from this space, that I would hate to let it go, and not nurture those wonderful relations.

So much that has happened in the past few weeks, and yet, I don't have the words to actually pen them down today. Just reeling from a sleepless night, last night, with the BB having high fever in the middle of the night, causing us to rush to the emergency room, spending the better part of the night there, and returning home, in the wee hours of the morning without a doctor having a look at the hot little boy of mine. Repeat drama from a few months back, if you ask me, just that the GP was around this time, to be part of it. The boy has not yet completely recovered, but the fever is under control, and that is about it.

Otherwise I feel terribly guilty about not brightening up my blog, working on it, with my heart and mind like I used too. I so so so, want to create a new header, a new look altogether maybe. But like so so so many things that I want to write about here, I don't know if and when the makeover actually will happen. Somehow I think my mind has become terribly dull, from the inactivity, or maybe its the gazillion fat cells I have piled on, over this long stretched out winters, packed indoors, the jaws always on overdrive. Its really disappointing being here now, after the immense hardwork I put in last year to get healthier, its downright depressing. Cold places are so so so not for me, I have just lost the ability to deal with low temperatures, and this being the BB's first one ever, he has been ill so so often, that I just huddle indoors with him all the more.

For a comeback, this is not really a cheerful post, but then this is what I have on my mind, and so I am just writing it out, instead of going on without posting. I hope I can get more regular again, because I do enjoy the mental stimulation of actually trying to string together my haphazard thoughts, and putting them down in the form of comprehensible sentences, though possibly semantically horrendous. So here, is a shout out to all my blog-world dosts, saying, 'I am still around!'.

Presenting... The Friends Of Kolkata!

2010-09-02T11:30:00.003+10:00

As a child, growing up in Delhi, there were Diwali melas and fetes galore, each year. And though I rarely got to attend any, what I really missed about them, was being a part of it from the organising group, because I envied all the kids my age, who ran around selling the tickets to the event, or the raffle draw. In groups of two or three, running along from door to door, selling tickets, it just seemed like so so much fun. My want to do something like that is finally being fulfilled, and how! I have raffle tickets to sell, flyers to mail out, put up, invites to send, and am enjoying every bit of it. The best bit is, the entire event is a fund raiser for a charity called Friends of Kolkata.

I have been wanting to write and tell so much about this organisation, and more importantly the incredible group of people who have formed it. But let me first go on and tell you about the event that is being organised.

Its called the 'Bollywood Extravaganza', and its happening on the 12th of September. The place will be alive with electrifying performances of salsa and belly dancing. There will be mehendi/henna painting, food, raffle prizes(like crumpler bags, dance class vouchers from The Salsa Foundation, large prints of professional photographs, drink vouchers and lots more) and more. The best bit being, every penny, anyone puts in, goes to charity,

To support ten children in Kolkata, India, with
education,social work, housing and health care.

And anyone in Melbourne/Victoria, reading this, you just need to hop over to the website, and get yourself entry tickets, and then just drop in for an evening of fun and dancing. All details available on friendsofkolkata.org .

I have been associated with this group, very recently, and have been amazed by the people I have met. A small group of Australians, running a charity for kids in a far away land. These are not high-profile, rich people, or the ones, who just write out fat cheques to charities, and their bit is done. But just average people, working hard to earn a living, maybe studying on the side too, and devoting their time, and energies for a cause. The group, as a whole or a few individuals at a time, visit the children they support in Kolkata, spend time with them, not as the people, who pay for their living, but as their friends. I was so touched by the genuine love these people have for the kids. Most of the members are twenty somethings or in their early thirties, most live in shared accommodation with friends, buy their stuff from second hand stores, travel using public transport or on their bicycles, and yet I have not met a happier group of people under a roof. These are people who are actually being the difference they want to see in the world. And no, they are not a group of amateurs here, I was amazed to see how well, each one had prepared their bit for the upcoming event, well set, and working just as well as any well paid event management group would. Just shows how far a little want to help and good will can take us. All I can say, is I feel so so lucky to be a part of them now, just to be in the company of such altruistic, loving and inspiring people, most of whom are much younger than me and thank God, for putting me onto this organisation.

And here is presenting the wonderful video shot by one of the brand new members of the group, just like yours truly, as promo for the Bollywood extravaganza.

Love it! Don't you. If you are in Melbourne, in or around, just drop in, don't miss the event.

Don't XOXO Me

2010-08-29T22:01:00.001+10:00

Its been a while now, since I have been receiving e-mails, and text messages, signed off with an 'XX' or an 'XO'. Being the dud that I am, I did not initially get it, and let it be thinking it is something cool, I am just not in touch with. Then I got to watching Gossip Girl, and finally got what it meant. It is a 'cool' way of saying hugs and kisses, the XOXO. OK! and so people were actually sending love across to me, all this while, but I did not get it. How good is that, it makes me wonder.

It was recently, that I realised, that some values, are eternal. They cannot be trespassed in the name of modernity, or being cool. Its a world today, where people find it acceptable to not respond to messages, even wishes for that matter, where the scandalous has become not just acceptable, but even the norm, and the worst of it being, that actually saying that, we find something unethical or immoral unacceptable, makes the person 'un'cool. And I decided, that I will no longer accept what feels wrong to me instinctively, just to be accepted in a group of people. Well, hopefully I will write a more detailed post on this some other time.

Love, I believe is the most powerful emotion in the world. Not just the kind that transcends into a physical, sexual thing, but every form of it. Between friends, parents and children, siblings, and just two human beings who feel it for each other. Hugs and kisses are an expression of that emotion. These actions and emotions are conveyed by certain words. And the association gives those words the positive power. So why then would I take away from it, in anyway at all. I don't get it. What is the thought process behind this?

I remember long back, having a discussion with a friend, regarding abusive parenting, and she had said that even the verbal abuse, name calling, was a form of the parents expressing love. I was surprised, and replied, 'For all the loving words that exist in the world, why would anyone use abusive ones, to express a so called affection. There is a reason affectionate words exist as such in the dictionary.' And I have the same reasoning here. 'Love','hugs','kisses' such beautiful words, conveying such amazing emotions, why would I replace it with symbols, which also reflect wrong(X) and nothingness(O)? Sometimes I really wonder if the world is hurtling down a black hole, just because we don't spend time to think about our actions, and just jump in, to join the bandwagon of other mindless people following someone else.

I would much rather write, and have written to me words full of emotion and affection, than symbolism, which does not make sense, and in many ways represent the exact opposite of what is intended. Send me love, hugs and kisses people, don't need cross-n-knots.

Any new trend that bothers you, makes you feel that its all wrong and senseless?

The Vanity, I thought I Did Not Possess!

2010-08-24T22:32:00.004+10:00

I was procrastinating for really long about this post, to do it or not, do I really want the world to know? Wouldn't I rather just hide it and let it be, I thought for long. It gets a bit more difficult to be candid on the blog, with each new friend I make through this space. (I think the fact that the visitors to this space have almost ceased to exist, is making this post a lot easier, I must admit.) So what was it going to be. Honestly, I was shocked by my own reaction to the situation, felt like quite a phony infact.

I have always believed myself to be completely immune to mujhe aunty mat kaho na syndrome. I was quite alright with such addressing, since years now. I am not particularly partial to looking good, nor am I particularly distressed at the thought of physically aging. And well, so I thought I was quite immune to the typical feminine folly of vanity. How wrong was I? What a hypocrite I am!

Well why, you wonder? A few days back I spotted my strands of grey. Yes. I was totally shocked. I had decided ages ago, that I would embrace my greys gracefully and not go running to the box of hair colour. But what did I know they would attack me so early. I had expected them to begin showing maybe a decade later, and yet here they are, peeping here and there, being a mirror to my reality. I was shocked to see the strands, not one or two that had cropped up earlier, but a good 3 or 4. I am depressed, I don't want to be old, not so soon anyways! God! Am I vain. Its a scary truth to embrace, and I am more shocked at the intensity of my reaction to the occurrence.

Have not yet run to colour my mane, but maybe in the not too distant future, I would have to make it a part of my routine!

Whet It Izz......?

2010-08-18T18:01:00.003+10:00

Insert word of choice, like papa, pepperoni, car, GPS, jacket, slippers... ad infinitum. That is what my day starts with, and it loops through on and on and on. The BBs new found passion to find out where things are.He wakes up in the morning and the first thing he asks me, is 'Whet it is papaaaaa?'(read as where is papa if you may.) The good thing though is, it has not reached the stage of driving me nuts yet, and I just enjoy it, and instigate him every now and then. Its fun, and tons infact. A word I love have him say is dirty. It started off with this filthy paintbrush he found somewhere, and I asked him to keep it away, stating its dirty dirty. And he repeated 'dorty dorty brush' and since then pretty much everything in the house has been announced as 'dorty dorty'.

His talking, is to our ears, what the first drops of rain are to the parched earth, of a drought ridden place. We have waited and waited and waited. Its has been long, and it has been hard. Not just because we wanted to hear him talk, but because of the moments that we doubted our strongest beliefs, and did not know what to think. I have always been a strong believer in the fact that each child has his own developmental curve, and I knew from day one that I did not want to be a competitive mother. And this possibly was the biggest test, of that belief. At three, when the BB was not already talking a dime a dozen, it became worrisome for us. He would utter a few words here, and some there, but there were no constant barrage of talking, or questions. And all around I saw and heard of these cute little things the kids his age were saying, and I waited for him to begin.

Everyone, who knew him in India, would tell me, how he was a late-talker and would drive me nuts when he began, because that is what late talkers usually do, they said, they are like a dam that has burst. And all I could say was that I was eagerly waiting for the day. It was hard to have words like delayed speech mentioned, or being asked, if I had sought professional help, or even having to mention at places, like the day care centre, that he does not really talk yet. It was hard. And then there were times that I almost broke down, and did not know what to do, where I gave in to despair and gloom. Something within me told me, that he was absolutely fine, just taking his own sweet time, and yet sometimes, the fear would grip my heart and leave it cold. The GP and I fortunately alternated in that state, so there was always one to reassure the other, when we fell into a state of despair. But some days were definitely harder than others. Often I would reason things to reassure myself. I knew the reasons, he was not hearing a lot of conversations around him. It was just him and me all day long, and I am not a great conversationalist, when left on my own. We speak two languages at home, and often bilingual children take longer to pick up a language and most importantly the BB's need to talk was very little. He usually has things work out for him, before he needs to ask for it. An advantage of having the mother around all day long, and yet disadvantageous in its own way. I had spoken to his pediatrician in India, about it, and he had not been concerned at all. And he is an amazing doctor, and my biggest concern while leaving India, was not having him around. He was a boon to a paranoid first time mother like me. Besides not believing in bringing up children on supplements and medicines, just like me, he had very practical things to advice, even on the daily care of a baby. And so, he is the one person I could freely discuss my concerns with, without the fear of the existing paranoia of the medical fraternity scaring me. And I had been reassured by his words. I then found a friend, who told me he had not uttered a word till he was all of 5, and even then it took him a while to actually get talking. Today he stands as normal as anyone can be. And these things soothed my mind. And yet there would be occasions when I would read something, or someone would ask a question, regarding his language skills, often innocently, and would make me anxious all over again.

The BB is an amazing child, really. And I think he was tailor made for me, in many many ways. I know I am a biased mother here, but the fact is, that a lot of the problems I hear parents face with their young children, are things I never had to deal with. There were no teething troubles, no weaning hassles, no problem with him being around new people, nor of him getting cranky when someone went away. He is usually a fuss-free child, he has no favourite toys, nor anything that is a security blanket, and he can keep himself happy with very little. No he is not perfect, he does throw tantrums, and gets cranky when sleepy or hungry, and there is a lot, and I mean a real LOT of screaming, for fun happening late evenings. But truth be told, he is an easy child. The only trouble I had, was when there was a phase where he was pushing other kids, and that lasted about all of 2 months. He is smart, and I say that because I have seen the ease with which he uses the laptop, or the GPS, or the i-pod. There is no random punching like kids his age usually do, but more a purposeful using. He knows how to use the microwave, and enjoys being allowed to operate it. He knows his limits and does not try crazy things, that would make me keep him restrained at all times. We never really formally sat down and taught him things but he knows his alphabets, learnt on his own from a wonderful interactive website for kids, called starfall and is learning his numbers now(yes, the microwave.) I would open the starfall site, and cook and clean away to glory, while he stayed busy exploring the various alphabets. Truth be told, he taught the alphabets to himself. And I appreciate every bit of all these things, instead of cribbing about the usual kiddish bouts of stubbornness or slow eating and such things. But the fact that he was still not conversing, did prick me every once in a while. I discussed with a few friends, and I have to say that I was fortunate, that they were so supportive, understanding and reassuring. My worries would melt away after talking to them. And so I continued to wait. In the meanwhile, we shifted gears at home, speaking in only one language, so that its easier for the BB to understand and pick up. And its tough sometimes, when we are so used to speaking in Hinglish pretty much always.

I realised a while back, that being with kids his age at the day care place was really having its effect. Both good and bad. While he was learning to test his limits, with things like pushing other kids, he was also getting more communicative. He was going beyond using his one word expressions of things he needed. And it was just what we had been waiting for. Maybe it was interacting with children his own age, or maybe it was the need to use words to communicate his needs to the people there, or maybe it was time for him to start anyways, I don't know what exactly it was, but something did the trick, or maybe it was a combination of it all. While the GP and I both noticed it happening, neither said a word, for the fear of jinxing it, and so we waited, till one day he came home and began singing a song he had learnt, and though the words were jumbled up, there was the part where he asks, 'What it izz name?' (read - what is your name.) and then goes ' BBeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee'! There has been no looking back ever since fortunately. And in a way I felt it was a test of whether, I can actually stand up for my own beliefs in crunch time, and I am happy that inspite of the moments of terrible fear and anxiety, I maintained my position, and did not panic running from door to door, trying to 'fix' my child. It is true that no one knows a child like does the mother.

I am happy in a way that I was tested, and that it has just strengthened my belief in each child having their own developmental curve. As parents, the GP and I are sure, that we will never be competitive, pushy or expect the BB to live his life our way, all we hope for, is that the BB becomes a good, compassionate human being, everything else is secondary in life. We just want him to be happy and nothing more, and may God give us the strength to always live with that conviction, and never fall prey to the competitive ways of the world. I love my child, wholly and totally, no conditions, ever!

That's the BB on his first train ride ever. Just last month, on The Puffing Billy.

Surprisingly enough, he had never been on a train before. And I think he enjoyed his first time. Also did his first boat ride recently, and had great fun doing that too!

Giving It Up

2010-08-12T22:51:00.002+10:00

I was not sure I would put it up on the blog, but then I realised that every penny counts, and this is not for me, so let me just not act prudish, and share it here. There is the 40 Hour Famine being organised by World Vision Australia. And I decided to participate. There were ads on the TV, and I was intrigues enough to look them up online. It seemed like something I can do, and so I went for it.

The thing is, that I give up something that I need all the time for 40 hours, and try to get my friends to donate to the cause in return. It could be anything, so I decided to go with the Internet, something that I use from the moment I get up, to the time I go to sleep, and the other, is non-vegetarian food. I am thinking about withdrawal symptoms already, but might as well go ahead and do it. Wish me luck people. And just like what I told all my friends, 'No amount is too big, and none too small. Even $1 is most welcome, to whoever wants to contribute.' So anyone, who wishes to donate, even a dollar, please just mail me (goofymumma[at]gmail[dot]com), and I will mail you the link where you can donate.

Its a really good cause and the money generated from this will be used for people and especially children who need it, around the world. As mentioned on the website,
Donations to the 40 Hour Famine this year will support projects aimed at: addressing climate change and increasing agricultural production in Nepal; tackling childhood malnutrition in Kenya; fighting child labour and trafficking in India; providing supplementary food support to families in Cambodia; and assisting with food security in Laos.

Wish me luck!

OK! So I hate Mondays.

2010-08-09T20:26:00.005+10:00

Every Monday, is a dull day, when it brings me back to the start of the mundane week. It feels a bit lonely with the GP back to work, and the house needing loads to be done, after the whirlwind weekend activities and no cleaning jobs done. So that is usually what Mondays are, and they are bad enough. But when there is a guest over the weekend, and she leaves, its just so much worse.

It is amazing how things can be, and how infact Facebook can do, what nothing else can. For all those who don't know it already, the brilliant, but now pretty dormant, Quirky Quill, is the one who introduced me to the world of blogs. The fact is that she was in school with me, and infact one of my favourite persons from my very snooty high school. She is a great person, and a brilliant brain to boot. Somehow though we were never belonged to the same group of friends. Met years later on Facebook, picked up the new threads. I had just had a baby, she was going to be married in a while, leaving for her backpacking Europe tour. We would chat on and off, and the familiarity increased to a lot more than what it ever was in school. And something that I never would have never imagined possible, had we even been in the same city we grew up in all these years, happened, and she popped into my part of the town this weekend, and stayed over.

It was wonderful having her over, sharing stories about school, common friends, and trying to refresh each other's memories about events and people from those years. Its amazing how easy it was to talk to each other, even though we were meeting after more than twelve years! Wow! Imagine that, makes me feel really really old now. Never on earth had either one of us thought we would infact meet up again, and yet. No wonder they say its a small world. I felt oh! so sad, when she left today morning, to go back. A Monday, as usual with some more void......

It was great having you over, QQ, and I forgot to crib about this to you personally, while you were here, but here I go now........ HEADER!!!!!! Miss you girl, and hope you pop in here soon, and hopefully with M in tow this time. Must meet him now, after all the wonderful tales I have heard about him.

Use Your Mammaries, Mothers!

2010-08-05T22:14:00.007+10:00

[Disclaimer - This is not about women who are physically unable to breastfeed, but about women who are capable but don't.]
If my last few posts have not been mention and proof enough of my disillusionment, with the world as it exists today, here comes another one. For a rare change I was looking at a newspaper today, and as newspapers have the habit of doing, it managed to impart some nugget of information to me. 'What now?', you ask, well this is the World Breastfeeding Week. And you can head over to the dedicated website, to gain more information about the week starting 1st of August, that this is being celebrated.

My point being, however, that we live in society today, where the most powerful and basic form of love, that of a mother to a child seems to be dwindling. I am sure, consciously or without really noticing, everyone in this world has observed some event, where a mother's affection has made the impossible possible. This is supposed to be the love, purest of all, the one without any expectations or demands. But before I go on, about that for a few posts worth of length, let me just say, that breastfeeding is the most basic thing a mother does for her child, and it is strange that there needs to be weeks, days or anything at all dedicated to inform people about it.

We celebrate women because they breastfeed their babies??? *huh????* Next we will need to celebrate the man who drives his family around, or the woman who cooks for her family, or a person who spends his earning on bringing up his/her children. Oh! But I forget, many people already believe they are doing the whole wide world a big favour, by doing precisely these very things. What is wrong with us? Does there need to be preaching and encouragement for mothers(notice, I am not saying women here!! Because the emotional transformation a woman goes through, when she delivers a baby, transforms her forever into a mother) to breastfeed their babies? There is a reason, why a woman's body was designed by nature, to grow a baby within itself, nourishing and growing it, and then nourishing it for a while after too. What exactly can be enticing enough for a mother to not want to do that?

[Image courtsey - http://www.keyshealthystart.org/breastfeeding.htm]

WHO recommends breastfeeding a baby for atleast the first two years of life, and by the time a baby is just about six months old, many many mothers begin to plan their weaning methods, and by the time they are one, the babies are all weaned successfully, as the mothers would proudly claim. And while, in a normal world, I would think that cruel, in the one we currently inhabit, I have to applaud the mothers for allowing their babies access to their, completely personal and self-owned breasts(Yes, I am being sarcastic!), because there are those, who don't allow their babies that privilege. Its a strange world indeed, where mothers are too busy/self-involved/~~self-loving~~completely selfish to provide their baby with breast milk. The reasons, could be many, and all equally pathetic. But unfortunately, no matter how much I hate it, such is the world we inhabit. Selfishness, has crossed all barriers, and has invaded even the purest of relationships.

And hence, the newspaper, being a more accepting part of the world, as it exists today, linked up an article about Celebrities Who Love Breastfeeding (a few pics may not be suitable for viewing in office!)as it states, 'In honour of World Breastfeeding Week we feature 12 celebrities who support the 'breast is best' message.' Well, indeed, let us celebrate, and instead of being a sourpuss, who keeps cribbing about what bothers her, let me appreciate the effort that is being taken here, to make things right. And so I will say, its the best way for a mother to bond with her baby. The initial months, fraught with sleeplessness, breastfeeding is the perfect way to relax. Breastfeeding releases hormones, that soothe and ease the mother's nerves, and helps her rest and relax. For the women who have breastfed, they would know, it induces a much needed state of blissful sleepiness. Breastfeeding also reduces the risk of breast cancer. And it helps the uterus shrink faster and sooner. And now that I have said all that I know about how it helps the mother, may I also add the obvious, that it make the baby healthier, it gives him natural immunity against diseases in those precious first few months of life, it is the easiest food for his tender digestive system, and it also gives him emotional strength of knowing he is loved, and not a burden!

So there women, nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is worth giving up on this special experience, nor any reason good enough to use an excuse. Feed your baby, give them what only you can, don't hold that back.

Reality Bites

2010-08-04T23:05:00.003+10:00

There was once a mother, a long long time back, with a small child, who dreamed and hoped for time, when someone else would take over her child for a while, and she would enjoy some free time. The time came, a couple of years too late, she had by then been maternalised(just like one gets institutionalised). And then she realised, all the free time in the world would mean nothing now, when her heart and mind was bound to her child.

Today I was home all day, and the BB was not. He was having a pyjama-day with his teddy bear for company at his day-care centre. There was a teddy-bear picnic and some. Good thing he was not as miserable as me. Its simply terrible being alone at home. I have lost that ability, in the past three and half years. I was terrified of the day ahead, and even though I had over six unwatched movie CDs lying with me, I did not feel like watching even one. Earlier, I would have a million ways to pass my time, today, none appealed to me. I forced myself through one movie till lunch time, and the thought of sitting and eating alone at that point, overwhelmed me. It was a strange feeling watching the movie without any interruptions at all, or worrying about keeping the volume low, so that the BB would not be disturbed while he slept. A couple of times, just out of habit, I turned the volume down, only to realise later, there wasn't a little warm body asleep, upstairs! I wonder if I have indeed become a pathetic needy mother.

I was not ready to eat alone, so out I went, into the wet cloudy day. Walked to the ATM, got some cash, and then walked the exact other way, passed by my home, and walked on to the closest mall. And what do you think I did? Bought some clothes for the BB. (Yes, I am hopeless, I know it. But then again, what's so bad about being totally in love with my own child, and wanting to be around him. ) Well, a few of his clothes have gone missing from his day-care. He messed up the clothes he was wearing, and they changed him. The spoiled clothes were wrapped and kept in a plastic. And the ever careless GP, picked up the BB in the evening minus the bag. He did not even realise that the BB was in a different set of clothes. Tells you a lot about men does it not? And now, the clothes are nowhere to be found, so I might as well think them gone. What hurts is they were my favourite sweatshirt and trouser for the BB. Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! Anyway, the shopping really did cheer me up, just as I expected it would. I definitely did take all the time in the world, so that I could stay away from home. Came in really late and hungry. Gobbled up some leftovers for lunch, and by then it was time to prepare dinner. And I was happy to have that to do.

The BB came home, and I felt like, I could breathe again. I showed him his new clothes, and he loved them, wanted to wear almost all of them together. That made me really glad. And before you knew what was happening, from his day in pyjamas, he immediately shifted into his swanky new clothes and pranced around the house. Money well spent, is what I will say!

But I realise now, that I need to work on being alone at home, without wanting to run out and away. And I also understand, that when I actually get the alone time, it is not as wonderful as it was in my imagination. For all my pretense of frustration at having no time alone, I now know, that I really can't handle it. I have re-learn the joys of being alone doing my own thing. Because once the BB starts school, and I am still home bound, I will end up with serious bouts of depression. What a roller-coaster journey, motherhood is!

What Is Racism?

2010-08-03T20:37:00.001+10:00

Some of the new found radical ~~misguided notions~~ views on eradicating racism, really leaves me baffled wondering, how exactly do people think. No, don't get me wrong, I am as against discrimination as one can get, discrimination of any form at all, racism being just one of the forms. Its the basic understanding of the concept, where I vary from much of the stuff I come across. Our mind, gets its input from the senses, and forms its pictures, opinions and thoughts. So I would really need to shut my eyes when evaluating a person, if I don't want to know what the colour of their skin is or what clothes she wears, or close my ears and not hear what language she speaks. It is natural for our brain to process the information it receives through the sensory organs, and form its opinions.

I for one cannot look at a person with fair/white skin and not think of it as belonging to a Caucasian, or hear someone speak in a certain accent and not relate it to a country of origin. I don't think, perceiving the obvious physical differences, as being different, is racism. It is when seeing a particular skin colour triggers a stereotype in our mind, and we behave accordingly, that it is racism. That is what I think. But to say, don't call a black man black, is like expecting me to be blind. That I treat him differently than others is racism according to me. But then again, why is it not racist when I treat a certain kind of people better than the rest, why is it labelled racism, only if a certain section is treated badly. A simple example, why is it racist behaviour, when a person is treated poorly based on the colour of skin, but not if a person gets preferential treatment due to their skin colour. Have you ever heard a complaint, from a person saying, 'Its racist that I receive better service at the restaurant just because I am black/white/brown/xyz'. And though I don't know if I am correctly deriving this, but does the human mind process racism, only when there is negative discrimination, and not when its beneficial to them? It feels like a person, who cribs about being minority in a society, and how that's discriminating, but does not feel the same way, when the same factor gets them into quota for admissions to colleges or finding work.

But does the true definition of racism include only the negatively impacting discrimination, or is it discrimination in any form at all. I don't know. But for all practical purposes, it seems to only include the negative discrimination. However, I have digressed from my original line of thought. Coming back to it. Racism is not in the observation of our senses, but in what our mind makes of those observations. I think it is taking it to stupid heights, when it becomes racist, to describe a person by the colour of their skin. I for one am brown, and I am an Indian, and I don't think its racist in any way at all, if anyone says that. It would be, only if they treated me differently, because of the above attributes of my persona. And while, I hate to say it, I think India happens to be one of the most racist countries that exists. The immediate change of attitude towards different colour of skin, exists so abundantly, not only within its boundaries, but the attitude abounds aplenty outside too. The immediate change of attitude towards people, who are white skinned, is just revolting. From being overly polite to the face, to bitching and name calling through the teeth, behind their backs, it simply disgusts me. Why does there have to be any classification at all. Why can the person not be thought of as a person alone, whatever the race? I will never openly admit it, or say it to people here, but the fact remains, as is.

Racism I say again, is not in accepting the facts as is, but it is how we process it in our minds, and react to it. A non-racist, would accept, that another person belongs to a different race, but treat him just the same as he does everyone else.

[PS - please excuse if this post makes no sense, my own thoughts need a little more ironing on this subject.]

Of Duryodhan And Yudhishthir

2010-08-02T21:23:00.003+10:00

Its really been ages, since I read or even heard the Mahabharat. I hope I someday get to read the unabridged version of it. Its a tale, where every page has a lesson for the keen reader, where every word has a spiritual parallel. Its as interesting and as complex as a plot can get.

Today, when I sat down to write this post, I was suddenly reminded of this bit from the epic. Details, are foggy in this old hag-brain of mine, what I do remember though, is the basic story. At one point in the youth of the Pandavs and Kauravs, Duryodhan was told to go and find one man, who he felt was truly and completely virtuous, Yudhishthir on the other hand was told to go out and find a man, he felt was completely evil. I think the task was set for them by Bhishma, and they were given a time limit of six months, but I maybe completely wrong on both counts. However, at the end of the time period, both the young princes return without a man they felt, suited their search. On being asked why, Duryodhan said that, even the best man he saw, had some flaw or evil in him, which prevented him from being completely virtuous, and Yudhishthir said, that even the worst man he could find, had atleast one redeeming virtue in him.

Just shows that how the world is in fact a reflection of our own mind and thoughts. The world around us is as good or as bad, as is our own mind. It is what we have in our minds, that is reflected in what is outside. And that is the reason, why the same thing, does not feel the same to two different persons. I have noticed that when I am in a melancholy mood, pretty much everything I look at, adds to it, while the same things feel neutral or joyous at other times. When I am upset, I am flooded with all bad memories from the past, even things that mean nothing anymore. And those memories, just work to increase my anxiety. On the other hand, there have been times, when I am happy, and I have gone ahead and called people, who I had swore to myself, I would never speak to again. Suddenly people, who I disliked, do not seem to deserve so much of my wrath or dislike anymore. And then I realise, how happy would a person like Yudhishtir be, because he sees the good more than he does the bad. What a virtuous man he himself must be to have an outlook like that.

So could our view of the world around us, be the simplest test of what kind of person we are then? And is our happiness, infact all in our own mind?

A Feminist Re-Born

2010-07-29T23:45:00.004+10:00

Well, so the training I was singing praises about is finally over. Yesterday was our last session. And yes, I am sad. My Wednesdays will not be the same. Being in a room full of opinionated, intelligent, strong, passionate and yet extremely compassionate women, would leave anyone a richer and smarter person. I did a lot of foot-in-mouth stupidities, and yet I never felt judged. I go on the phone for the first time tomorrow, so I need all the good wishes and blessings I can get. But that is not what this post is about. This is about something that was discussed, at the end of the session yesterday, and left me wanting to say a lot, and more importantly once again brought to the fore my thoughts on the topic of feminism.

It was a five minute, self evaluation on how we felt at the end of the training, and it was then that I realised, that like a lot of other things in life, I had, through this training come to a full circle around my opinions and views on feminism. As a child growing up, I felt very strongly against the inequality between men and women or rather girls and boys as I saw it at that age. I saw it everywhere, in families who were part of the educated, moneyed middle-class of society, the stinking rich, the poor, it happened everywhere. When I look back now, I find it a bit surprising, that I was so infuriated by the situation, especially considering the fact, that being an only child, I did not have to deal with any such issue in my own life. But like most issues that are related to inequality and discrimination of any kind, I was passionate about it. But things changed.

The past few years, the term feminism, had me looking at it cynically. I had seen just way too many women, use it as a ruse to act selfishly. Rich women, with loving families, who don't want to do their part, women who use it as an excuse to reap the benefits and shy away from the duties. Feminism is not about getting the upper hand in every marital discord, or not breast feeding, or making sure that a woman does not take care of her children just because the father is not doing so(because he was at work), or yes, claiming she does not need to cook, because her husband does not... may I add here, that she does not do anything else concretely either. Yes, I have met and heard of women like that. I have heard about the huge fuss being made about continuing with her maiden surname after marriage, by women who actually do continue with it anyways. And while I agree, that it should be a woman's free-will, what name or surname she wants to use, at whichever point of time in her life, it just takes away from the real issues a feminist is fighting for, issues that determine the course of a woman's life. I think such women in the name of feminism, take away from what feminism is all about, they completely dilute the severity of the true cause. No I am not supporting women, who think they have the right to drink till they throw up, in the name of feminism, or women who think they should have many casual sexual encounters because men do, in the name of feminism, or women who say they are feminists and can hence sneer upon others who are more traditional in their outlook or lifestyle. And that being the case, I had become quite disillusioned about feminism.

And then I joined this organisation which is openly feminist in its views. Initially, I was not sure, how I would fit in, based on my the existing view of feminism and feminists. But then things changed. As I learnt and discussed, about the real issues facing women, violence, lack of rights, stereotyping, lack of options and choices, being controlled and dominated, being left alone with children and without any money to fend for themselves, I left more than one training session, enraged, angry and disturbed. And in the process found once again my true passion for feminist causes and issues. Being a mother now, just sensitises me more. And I found the gap between the true feminist, and the pseudo-feminist.

A feminist is a person(yes it could be a man too), who in actuality is bothered by discrimination or inequality of any kind, and is particularly sensitive to the issues, faced by women, because they are women, whether in her personal life or professional. That is how I define the feminist. A feminist would feel equally for a friend who is a victim of domestic violence, as she would for the poor homeless one, because she does not discriminate based of social or financial status of a person. She would feel for the boy, of a rich business family, who is taken out of school to work in the family business, while his sisters go on to college and more, just as much for the girl, who is taken out of school, to earn some to contribute to the family income, while her brother is allowed to do as he pleases. But yes, the feminist, would fight a bit harder for the girl, because she is after all a feminist. A feminist does not say all men are d*$#, but she is strong enough to stand up against any man(or woman) who takes away from any woman's basic human rights. And so, yes, that is me a re-born feminist. And believe me, I will fight any woman who tries to dilute the true issues, and problems facing women, with their fluff about the right to smoke.

*sigh* I feel liberated! And this was so important to get off my chest, that well past mid-night, I am up typing this, because I had to say it. Cheers to all the feminists of the world.

What Do You Give Your Child?

2010-07-20T12:42:00.004+10:00

A love for books,
or maybe a taste for music,
Or would it be a brain for numbers,
A passion for sports it could be,
Or maybe even cinema.

Painting, dancing, birds and animals, or even spirituality. There are so so so many things to choose from. So what is it that you give your child? I am sure most in the blog-world would love to instill in their children a love and passion for reading, but then I am sure there are just as many out there who want their children to have a good ear for music, or whatever else they hold dear to them. And when I see parents around me taking so much loving effort to instill in their child, a passion, a hobby, or a love, I wonder what to do with mine?

Each one seems so passionate about what they foster into their offspring, that I get inspired by each and every one of them, and finally end up being a Jack of all trades master of none with the BB. And in this process, I have learned that I cannot do it all. I cannot get him to sing, dance, read, hop, jump, play, paint and more all in one go. Or atleast not with equal gusto. So what then do I do? Isn't he too young for me to pick a single skill a passion to instill. Isn't this the time he learns, sees, explores and picks out what he loves the most, I think. At the end of the day, I don't want to push him either way, I want him to go ahead, and be what he wants to be, and do what he wants to do. (Only hope I have enough money in the bank to transfer in his name, incase he wants to just be a street-side artist!) And yet I need to show him the choices he has.

I know he is introduced to everything in his day-care centre, and I know of parents who play mental-maths quizzes with their kids all day long. I know I have been the person who thought getting a management degree would be the pinnacle of her life. And I thank God that, it did not happen, because it would have been such a sheer and colossal waste of money, on an undiplomatic, non-corporate work worthy person like me. I know now, that the last kind of job I am suitable for is corporate management. But, then, I did not know any better. I knew about studies, school, college, professional degrees and that was it. I don't want the BB's vision to be narrowed in anyway like that. I want him to be free to look around and decide what he wants in his life.

A little too young for me to think so much you say, but believe me it is not. Because somewhere in life, the seeds of the kind of person we are, are sown in childhood. And I definitely don't want to bungle up here. No I am no perfect parent, I am as flawed, and imperfect as can be. But then I have my priorities too, and one of the main ones being, to give my child the freedom to choose his own life. Not to say I will not guide him, or instill in him humane values, but he has to choose the purpose of his life himself. I don't want it set upon him in anyway at all. While I want him to like books, music, the outdoors and some other things, I am worried that I should not force any of them on him. Now maintaining the right balance would be one tough job isn't it? Because what I truly want to give my child, is freedom, to carve out a path of his choice in life. Where he can follow his dreams and passions as he likes.

Till just a little while ago, I was so worried, about what he would learn from the world around him. When he was little, I could control the environment he lives in, the people he sees, but that was not to be the way all his life. I used to worry then, about him learning 'bad things' from the world outside.(To be clear I was not an all good influence, but then as I said, it was a controlled environment.) So once the BB started playschool, and his day-care sessions, he started coming home with a mixed bag of learnings. Some I liked, some not so much. And my initial reaction to it, like it is to most things that upset me, was panic. I was aghast, when I learnt that he was pushing other children. Oh! no, I thought. This is just because of the other kids, how else would he ever have learnt to push others like that. Yes, I am a fool that way. But this also helped me learn one of the bigger lessons of parenting. What is the test of a parent, whose child has no external influences to test him. The BB, maybe yet too young, for such huge philosophical statements, but the lesson has come to me in time, before he grows older, and I am in a constant state of panic. The important thing is for a child to go out, see, observe, learn and most importantly have the sense to select what he learns. It is upto me to teach him the guiding values and principles, which help him pick and choose. And that is no easy task I reckon!

After a really long time, I was browsing the newspapers online, and I came across this article, which really ~~shocked~~ surprised me. It talks of a man who is a master of astro-genetics, who used his knowledge to have children of a preferred sex twice(male of course) and to have a genius child the third time round(male again ofcourse!). The genius son is now all of 22, and stepping into IIT, Powai as a professor. I know a lot of parents out there who want their kids to be a genius, or a musical maestro or some other thing like that. There are plenty of tennis dads out there. But, what I do know for sure is, that as a parent, I would want my child to be just normal, and most importantly happy. I would never ever want to tweak the circumstances, to create something 'better', unless physical ailments are the cause of concern. The children we do have are the best that we can, and we love them for who they are. This kind of manipulation, takes the concept of 'conditional love' from parents to new heights. Scary, and scary indeed.

Are We Weaklings?

2010-07-07T11:59:00.006+10:00

Where are we today as people of the world? What are we heading towards? What are our goals, our missions? I wonder often about these things, about what is it that we are looking for. And I don't seem to get the responses I would like. Even within my ownself.

Somewhere I feel, we are a misguided lot, being led on like lambs to the slaughter, by the devil disguised as the enticing have-it-all. Sounds strange isn't it? But when was the last time you heard someone say, my aim is to be more honest, or more helpful or more charitable? But I am sure we have often heard others as well as ourselves say, I want to own another house, get a raise, make XYZ amount this year, bring my body weight to ABC kgs. And in these small monetary and materialistic goals, have the bigger, humane goals been lost somewhere?

I don't remember the last time I deprived my self of something that I really wanted and donated the money instead, to someone who really did need it, for something as basic as food or clothes. How many of us even aim to do that? How often, if ever have we heard someone say, my goal this year is to donate atleast half of my earnings to charity, or take a few weeks off work and help the people who need it? In my case the answer is never. And it is this that makes me wonder where are we as a community of people headed?

What are our real goals and ambitions in life? Making more money, getting a promotion, being thinner? Good things in themselves, but is that all we want for ourselves, is that all we believe we are capable of achieving? I think we underestimate and devalue ourselves tremendously when we limit ourselves by such goals. There are then some who aim to read more books, expand their knowledge of music or learn a new skill, and yet again I think we are limiting our potential here. These are wonderful things when we look at it from the practical world, and yet somehow, I feel that they are not what changes or improves the core of the person we are. I will never underestimate the value of reading, music or learning new things, but is that enough for us to progress as persons, spiritually?

I for one, never make new year resolutions, simply because they do not translate to anything more than words in my life. And yet, I know a lot of people who do. And of all those who have shared their's with me, I have never come across even one, which said things like I will be kind to animals this year, I will not say a bad word about anyone, I will stand up against what is wrong, I will not be greedy or demanding. How does this, then, represent us as a society of humans. Are we too absorbed with the material to want more, to actually unleash our true potential and achieve it. It scares me to think that in ways we are actually, being just mediocre and proudly so.

Often our vices are now, labeled as our personality, individuality, and left at that. I am moody, I am short-tempered, I am impatient. These are the kind of statements I hear often, and use them myself too. What saddens me is, we say it as a statement, sometimes even arrogantly, not wanting to change it one bit. We actually proudly claim these vices to be ours. Why? Why is it no longer thought of as a vice, as a corruption to our character that we should try to get rid off. Why is it used as a badge of pride instead? If we do not understand these qualities as a malignance in the wholeness of our persona, how can we ever think of eliminating them. And with each person proudly hugging their flaws, where exactly does that lead the society, which is comprised of people like us? Shallowness, materialism, weakness and yet full of arrogance?

In reality it is weakness, because we as human beings have such huge potentials, we can move mountains with our minds alone, and yet we give in, and do not even try to win over the smallest evils in us. We give in and let the vices rule us instead. It saddens me, because it feels like seeing a huge fercious lion, watching a small little deer, walk by, and not attack it, saying, oh well, why take the effort to run and hunt, let me just be lazy and sit around instead. And eventually that is what will kill him, because he needs the food to nourish his strong body, and without that his body will become weak and eventually he will perish. That is exactly what the virtues are for the human mind, the food that nourishes it and keeps it strong and flourishing. Our vices, weaken it, diminish its strength and finally leads to its demise.

Why do we not decide to do something to nourish our souls each day, each time we make a resolution, even if for just a day? Like each time I think, today I will try to lose weight by not eating anything oily, let me also think, and today I will also not say a bad word about anyone, or today I shall tell no lies, no matter what, or today I will send a good thought out for the person I hate the most. It will be tough no doubt, probably tougher than avoiding deep fried chips and pakodas, and yet it will make me that much stronger and better as a human being. And I think each day it will just get easier, till, one day I find, that, that is what is now me, my nature and I no longer need to make the effort to be that way. Imagine a society where most people are like that, whole, strong and pure. The way we were intended to be when we were created.

[This post is more of an introspection, than any kind of accusation. This is not meant to offend anyone, but was meant as an analysis of myself, and of what I see around me, what I think needs to be changed, more so in me than anyone else. ]

Of Relationships

2010-07-06T19:57:00.003+10:00

Relationships are strange things I have come to believe, fun, complicated, mystical, and many a times quite beyond my comprehension. Most times they are fun and nice, but every now and then there are little squeaks and creaks, just like old floor boards, which are usually quite incomprehensible to me, but throw the thing completely off balance. I am not talking about relationships, that are casual, the types we label as just friends or acquaintances, but the ones that come from the heart, where we form bonds, put down our masks and guards, and are free to be what we really are.

Relationships I have come to believe are best maintained with people who, are individually related or known to one. I meet X in the school/college/training/work/bus/pub/theatre/library, like him/her, and decide to be friends with. Works out much better than, liking and being friends with X, where he/she is a friend of or related to one of my friends/relatives/acquaintances/colleagues. The dynamics of any relationship between just two individuals alone, is forever changing. Where two human minds are involved, which are never stable, or stuck in just one place, the possibilities are many. But throw in the midst a few more people, with their own stakes in the line that connects me and X, and it surprises me, that things even reach the point of a friendship. I for example, quite like my friend's sister. In fact, I think I gel better with her, than my friend herself. She gets along just fine with me too, but then my friend may not like it. More likely than not, as adults no one is likely to come up and say what they really feel, and things can suddenly turn sour without me realising what happened. Not only do I then lose the new friend, but also an older relationship.

Relationships are like investments, just more precious!

They really are I tell you. Just like monetary investments, relationships need to be invested in and nurtured with immense care and caution. And believe me, carelessness is what kills more relationships than anything else. A bit of taking for granted, or some just not making an effort, and sometimes just plain laziness. These things matter, especially when it comes to relationships that matter. And yet again, even with all of that it is not a 100% thing, simply because just like the stock exchange, there are no guarantees here either. And then there is always the case of when things change. People, situations, circumstances, other relationships. Anything, anytime may change, and it affects relationships.

What affects me more in case of relationships, is when instead of a clean break, where I can mope about a loss, cut my losses and move on, the relationship becomes a caricature of what it originally was, a fake hollow shell. That becomes a cross to bear for the rest of my life, and its just not my thing. I cannot go from being best buds to I-am-just-tolerating-you and maintain a relationship on face value, just does not work for me. But then that is just me, zero skills in the department of diplomacy.

Then there is the possibility of misunderstandings. Just recently I had one, with a friend, who is very dear to me. (Yes, I am talking about you! And hope the misunderstanding is cleared up.) We are very different temperamentally. If I am genda phool she is a long-stemmed rose, I am rustic, basic, blunt, she is artistic, deep and talented. But somewhere we connect, and it is wonderful. And yet, the written word which does not convey our tone, led to a misunderstanding. When I received her mail, I was surprised, because I never realised that I had written anything to upset her at all, only when I re-read it, did I realise, that without my mocking scowl, and clown-like expressions, the words alone could in fact have sounded harsh. Just made me realise how frail relationships can really be, especially since we both are secure, strong people, and know that our friendship is much more than frivolous.

And with all these things that can go wrong, is it not really a wonder, when a relationship, that we invest our heart and times into, actually blossoms, and grows. Relationships, that are true, and honest, which truly reflect a bond between two people. Each time, I lose a friend or a relationship goes sour in my life, I do thank God, for the other amazing ones I have in my life, the ones that stand the test of time, change of circumstances and more.

A word from the wise here, please invest very carefully in every relationship in your life. Take your time, never rush in, and think deeply before you let someone into your heart. And when you do, make sure you are ready to fight to keep the person in your life.

Not Womanly Enough?

2010-07-05T10:50:00.004+10:00

I am doing a tag after really really long, and I know I have many a pending tags, and to be honest I don't know if I will ever get to them. But when I saw this one, it seemed interesting, and since its a dear friend, I wanted to give it a go. Only now, that I have actually sat down to write it, I realise how difficult it is for me. For one I believe in the differences between men and women, I don't even for a second think they are the same, or are meant to do the same things. 'Unique halves which together form a complete whole', that is my take on the sexes. So even though this is likely to cause great consternation to many, I do in fact support some of the so-called stereotypes. Add to that, that I have been an only child, so nothing gendered affected me there, I have grown up in a place, and studied in a school, that was full of the rich and famous. So I think what I grew up with was the exact opposite of the Gender stereotypes, this tag talks about. So I thought, I will try and do this the ways, in which I think I have broken norms or expectations, in certain ways, maybe even the opposite of the stereotypes this tag expects me to talk about. Smitha, I hope I do justice to your expectations in tagging me.

Smitha from Any Excuse To Write, Deeps from Perceptions and live on impulse has tagged me to do a post on My Sins Against Gender Stereotypes, and so here I go with my own interpretation of it. I will try to list it based on the enormity of my sins.

1. I gave up work to be a home-maker and a mother. I still have not heard the last of it, more than four years down the line. An educated woman of today, sitting at home and wasting away her education. I have been asked questions like 'Don't you get bored at home all day?' to 'Don't you feel bad wasting all the money your parents spent on educating you?'. These questions come from people I barely to know, as well as close family and friends. The kind of work I have chosen to do now, is raising more eyebrows than ever. I think its a stupid stereotype, that every educated woman need to work professionally and earn, even if that makes her unhappy.

2. I was never coy or shy. (This I think can go in the more typical stereotypes.) I am not shy or coy even now, but the realities of life have taught me to be more careful and reserved around people, and especially men, because I know, that ugly comments about me, now reflect on the GP. When I went to college, I never played the coy, shy babe in distress, and formed easy and close friendships with boys. I was labeled everything from easy to cheap. And surprisingly these came from boys, who were supposedly my friends.

3. I practically lived in my jeans and my father's shirts during my growing up years. SO much so, that an old lady, a family friend, can passed a snide remark about how I would wear a pair of jeans even during my wedding. huh????

4.I love manual work. Yes I do, send me out, to dig a hole, paint a house, chop some wood, I would love it really. Infact I think such work gives me immense pleasure. I can handle wires, and plugs and tools. But I think I am losing touch with those things being with the GP who does it around the house now. Infact when I was in school, there was a vaccination drive of some kind going on. My parents did not approve of it for me, so I did not get the shot, while most of the others did. And by the end of the school day, most of them had fever and could barely stay awake. I remember I carried about 7-8 of the school bags besides my own into the school bus that day. And I still remember it with pride.

5. I loved sports, throughout my childhood. I would discuss sports with the boys in school, I knew the ins and outs of most things, my room was full of photos of all kinds of sports stars. Sportsworld is the magazine that I subscribed to as a girl. I would stay up nights during the Football World Cup, and watch every match. Tennis was my special favourite. Surprisingly I have lost the passion completely now. I am ashamed to say I am not sure I even know all the players of the current Indian cricket team.

6. I don't like either singing or dancing, nor am I artistic by nature. Fortunately the GP has a much better sense of aesthetics than me, and I can trust him to take care of that aspect. I have to make concentrated efforts to beautify things, and presentations, I don't have a natural eye for such things.

7. I love the outdoors. Given a chance I would camp in my own backyard, well maybe not, I love my bed too much for that. But the fact is that I love the outdoors. I hate weekends, that do not lead to outings. I love walking, trekking, hiking. I just love being out, the sun shining, the wind in face. Not very girly na?

8. Inefficient Home-maker. Now this one really bothers me. Because I would love to be able to maintain the perfect home, with discipline and orderliness. But that would mean, early mornings, every day, order and discipline for myself. Just not my thing!

9. Comfort Always. That is my motto when it comes to clothes and footwear. I never wear heels, because I just cannot walk well in them. My clothes are always picked for comfort, and looks follow in second. The need to dress up for an occasion or a party, throws me into a tizzy, and I wait to rip the clothes right off of me, as soon as I can get back home. I still love wearing men's shirts and pyjamas/track-pants are my only home-wear.

10. Cosmetics don't entice me. I have been influenced by people around me, and purchased things, which have never been used. So I have learnt my lesson, and never buy those things now. I have attended weddings in my kajal and lipstick, and happily so. I forget to even moisturise my hands and feet regularly, so buying anything more is a complete waste of money in my case.

Yay! I got 10. I was really struggling for the last couple. In some ways I think I am quite a stereotype myself. However I shall pass this onto others, who I think will do a much better job than me.

Monika
Trishna
Chandni
Bones
Liveonimplulse
D
Sraikh
therestlessquill
Soul OF Alec Smart

The Month Of June, Me And Some More

2010-06-30T23:56:00.006+10:00

A blogger ... do I qualify to be called one anymore? I don't know, and judging myself, I would say no. I have done just two posts in the whole of June, nothing that was thought provoking, or about things I think about, things that invoke the thinking-me, but just one-off updates on what has been up in the Goofy family. I don't think this post would be much different either. And honestly I don't think too many people are going to read it. For one, in a world inundated with professional writers, a nobody like me, hardly makes for good-writing, and so I have but a few readers, most of them read me just out of courtesy, since they have now also become my friends add to that the huge intervals in my posts, I really cannot expect people to come back and read now can I? And hence, secure in the knowledge that pretty much no-one is reading me, I will write haphazardly, just the way my mind works.

I am in a strange place right now mentally. I don't know if I qualify to be called a working-woman or an SAHM or even a part-time-working-mum. I seem to be somewhere in between all of that. Besides being tremendously self-satisfying, my work does seem to have all the downsides of working, and none of the upsides. I am working, but I don't make money. I spend time away from home, away from family, but gain nothing monetarily in return. Infact I end up spending quite a bit in my travel, eat-outs, day-care charges for the BB and such. Add to that, this work, comes with home-work (I am still training remember? So I have things to read up, assignments and presentations to work on), which means I need to dedicate time to it during the rest of the week. And with the commitment being 1 day a week, during training, and just half-day a week post that....... my slog-like-a-dog = work trained mind, cannot really accept this as work. And so if anyone asks me, I don't think I would say that I work. And hence I am in middle-land, and I really don't know what label will suit me the best. But what makes it all worth it, is the immense sense of self-satisfaction, finally understanding that I am in a field of work that I really like, and would love to pursue for the rest of my life. This is the kind of work that would leave me with a contended tiredness at the end of a hard day's work.

This month we celebrated the GP's birthday..... And I did not even do a post on it. So you can imagine, exactly how hard-pressed I am for time. I am the kind of person, whose writing and thinking is polished with practice, and when I have not posted in a while, my mind is all rusted and has very little to say, amazing thoughts, don't translate into more than just that one-line of the basic thought. And hence there was no post on his birthday. I think the GP being him was the least bit affected by it. Birthdays mean nothing to him, and unfortunately that emotion transcends even to the BB's and my birthdays. But on the up-side, that means there is not much I need to do for his. There was the customary cake, which the man, wanted, plain vanilla, with no icing. He is a all substance, no show man, and well, it shows. His birthday present was the much needed replacement of the laptop the BB destroyed, well let me be honest and say, that I just chipped in a bit of the cost. The BB and I wore new clothes for the day, while the GP himself did no such thing. And that is how the day was spent. Oh! yes, and an absolutely delightful Indian meal at a local restaurant. Loved it! It being the man's birthday, I only feel fortunate and thankful that he is mine, and supports me the way he does, inspires me to improve myself as a person, and guides me so well in that journey. Yes, if anyone needs it to be said plainly, I love him, for being mine.

All those with plain and at most times terrible hand-writings just like myself, was there anyone with that ornamental hand-writing in your school or college whom you completely envied for that. Well I had more than one. One of them is in-fact even a blogger. Her class-notes' notebooks, would be neater and prettier than my fair-copies. Its not just that the writings are cursive, or neat or beautiful, but what I envied most was the naturality with which it was produced. I would look at such peoples' handwriting, be inspired, and try to get there. Well I would atleast turn up my own work up, a few notches, but nothing to match these people, and most importantly, it would mean writing much slower and more consciously. Its been a long long time, since I have seen those gorgeous hand-writings, and I had pretty much forgotten about my own failings in the department, and was contented with my sloppy work. But then, just this weekend, my sweet loving GP, decided to buy me a fountain pen, after all, since I love it so much. He looked up the store online, and took me there. Its heaven for a stationery lover like me. The fact that pretty much everything in the store is more expensive than precious metals and stones, is not to be mentioned of course. But, then I digress. Just as I finalised a pen, and was testing the various nibs available with it, on a writing pad, I saw the words written by someone who had tried out a pen earlier, and I felt ashamed to even scribble on the same piece of paper. It was beautiful, like a work of art, and I stared at the words, 'Electric Dreams', written in beautiful cursive handwriting, in a clean straight line, on a plain piece of paper. I was once again engulfed in the shame of my own horrible hand-writing, like I was back in school-days. Even my best attempts don't compare. And I just wish I could have a beautiful cursive hand-writing. Surprisingly all the women in my family, right from my grandmother, have the kind of writing that can directly be printed on paper and sent out as greeting cards, and its just unfortunate that I never ever managed to pick it up. Forget pretty, my mindlessly written stuff, is not even neat. Even neat writing requires an effort at my end. The typing on a computer does not help much either, since I completely lose practice with my ability to write well with a pen. All those out there in the world, with a gorgeous, ornamental handwriting, I pay my obeisance to you.(A confession - The oldest lady in my training group, has one of those beautiful print-like handwritings, and I make a conscious effort to not sit next to her, so that I can concentrate on the session, more than stare at her writing and wallow in self-pity!)

I am still hoping that I can get back to more regular blogging, make more time in my day and do it. And hence I am not saying I have given up, even now. But what really happens, only time will tell.

Thoughts Of A day

2010-06-16T20:36:00.003+10:00

Today is a day that has left me with a lot of thoughts, some pride, and some longing. And I think I will jot it all down under today's day!

Today was projected as a BIG day in my mind since the past couple of weeks. Reason? It is my training Wednesday, and the GP has gladly hopped out of town on business. I was pretty sure I would mess up the day in more ways than one, but fortunately I made myself proud. Wednesdays usually means, the BB is completely in the GP's care. I am out of the house before either one of the male members of this family wake up. So its upto the GP to clean, feed, dress and more, the BB, then drop him off at his day-care place, and since my training happens far away, the GP gets back earlier, and gets to pick up the BB on his way back too. But today I had to do it all, and atleast attempt to reach my training centre in time. For a moment last night, the idea of taking an off today loomed quite lucratively in my mind. Fortunately I did not take it too seriously, and instead, actually managed to get everything in order and get out of the house before 8. Dropped the BB off, did 'my thing' the whole day, got back picked him up, and got back home really late and tiered, but proud that I was able to pull it off, without any hitch. That there, is the bit that gives me the pride.

The longing is for the GP. I am missing him terribly, especially in these long dark winter evenings, which give me nothing to look forward to. Just eagerly waiting for my man to be back soon! The entire day just passes, but the long evenings get really boring without the GP coming home, and changing the pace of things. Thankfully the BB does not get all cranky, I would not know what to do, if he did.

And now for the thoughts, there are loads. Each day at the training I am realising how similair human nature is all around the world, how the feminist issues remain the same, and women are facing similair problems everywhere! Never thought that domestic violence, exploitation, domination, issues common to women across the globe. Its amazing how many wonderful women, are making time to volunteer. Some of their personal stories have shaken me up so much, that I have no idea, if I would have made it out alive, of the kind of situations they have been through. Just gives me, so much to truly admire and get inspired from. In this world, there are people who have pretty much everything, and cannot stop cribbing about how they get the raw end of things, and then I see these amazingly stellar women, who have the true strength to have gone through what they have, and then concretely give back to the world.

I am not sure, that this is politically correct, but I am saying it anyway. Besides me, there is another Indian girl/woman in my training group, and the pain she is taking to avoid me, is really getting irksome now. I find it really disconcerting, when we all pop in a hi - hello to each other, and she makes a conscientious effort to avoid me. At all times she ensures, she never makes eye-contact with me, or is not alone with me somewhere. Its strange because she is actually taking a lot of effort to do all of that. It has been that way from the very first day of training, but I never bothered, but four weeks into it, and now its really getting a bit too obvious to ignore. I just want to send her a brain wave saying, don't worry, I am not dying to be your friend, either! The world can indeed be quite strange at times. Racism???

The rest of the women are all very very warm and friendly, and more than anything it is such a learning opportunity, just being around them. Its wonderful how everyone makes an effort to sit with different people each time, and thus, interact with a different person at each session. Each one has a story to tell, and believe me, everyone of them inspire me with what they do, how much they pack into their weeks, their lives, and many with what they have endured, and yet turn out to be the kind of people they have. Awesome and Inspiring!

Popping Up A Bit!

2010-06-13T00:38:00.005+10:00

Life suddenly seems to have taken a quantum leap in space. It has infact become quite unrecognisable, from what it was a few weeks back. Its strange how just one day of training, can change so much in a life. Its not just the day, but my entire attitude towards everything, that has undergone a complete change. I am also learning to knit, so that keeps me busy in my free moments too.

There is a lot that has happened, so much infact that it would be quite unfair to document it all in just one post, and yet knowing how my life is going these days, I would rather just squeeze it all in this single post, rather than lose the opportunity to share it all, over here. I have been completely off the blogging circuit, reading, posting or commenting, and while I don't particularly miss those bits, in fact I don't find the time to miss it. But I miss my blogging friends, I miss them more than I can express in words here. And yes you know who you are!

There was one huge marital fight between the GP and me, the last week, and I was amazed at how it went, and what happened. We fight, very often and lots, but this one, it was different in more ways than one. For once we did not go all, kid-like, and had a civil argument, very mature, and adult-like. Face to face talking, a very very big step for me. And I think I can say our life has changed for the better post that. A lot of unsaid issues were brought forth, some pushed-under-the-carpet topics were dragged out from there, and discussed up front. Over all an amazing sense of closeness, sharing, and understanding was established at the end of the war zone, and all I can say is, it was simply super-duper amazing. If fights can be such, I welcome them time and again in my marriage!

The BB has decided to blabber non stop, from the moment he wakes up now, and its just a lot of fun. He has settled down amazingly at the day-care centre, and for the very first time, even said a 'bye-bye' to me, when I dropped him there last afternoon. Oh! I felt so happy. His tremendous attachment to me, seems to have suddenly diminished, leaving me feeling confused. He happily goes off with the GP, without wanting me, I can be dropped off somewhere, while he goes off with his father, and he would not care two hoots, and many many more such things. While I am happy he is gaining that emotional independence, it would be a blatant lie to say, I am unaffected. Ofcourse it hurts, it hurts to know that I am not needed quite as much, by the boy, who loudly claims himself to be papa's boy repeatedly all through the day! And then he has finally managed to destroy one of the laptops at home, fortunately for me, it wasn't mine. For all the playing around the BB can do with the laptops, he is allowed to play his games and things on ours. But the other day, he decided to sit with a glass of water alongside, and managed to spill it all onto the laptop. Surprisingly enough the laptop kept working for a day or two after the incident. But when it was shut down after that, it just never woke up again! I am amazed at how calm the owner, that is, the GP is. He did not even scold the BB much, and I had to perform the task. So I am officially the meanie of this household.

Did I tell you ever what a wonderful man I have for a husband? If not, then hear it now. He is the best. I am amazed at the amazing support I am receiving from him for my volunteer work and training. Though the BB spends the day at day-care on my training Wednesdays, if I need to spend a couple of hours on other days there, the GP does so much to see that it goes through, that it is amazing. I don't think I could have done this with anyone but him by my side. Life does have its tests, isn't it? I have my training just once a week, and on the night-before the second training session, the BB decides to come up with a fever. I was a lot more relaxed than the last time, since the GP was home this time, but felt terribly disappointed about having to miss the session. The fever though subsided almost immediately and did not come back all night or in the morning that followed, but day-care was definitely not an option for us that day. I knew I would miss my chance at the learning completely if I missed the session, and was feeling really sorry for myself. My darling of a husband, promptly took his day off work, stayed back home with the lil BB, while I headed off for my day at training. And tehy even dropped me off! Yes, its all about equality, feminism, etc etc etc many women would say, but may I just add here, that he is still the only earning member of the family, on whom rests the sole responsibility to keep us thriving. Touch wood, that he is all mine!

And then comes the most special part of my activities of late, my training. Its simple awesome, and in so many ways! I don't remember, ever in my life being a part of anything educative, and not wanting to just fall asleep instead. But this, well I just love what I am learning, and more importantly the wonderful discoveries I am making about myself along the way! The group of women is so varied and just so simply diverse, that it makes the whole experience just that much more enriching. Our trainers, are women with such kindness, empathy and wisdom, that it is a privilege to just be in their presence. And every woman who works for the organisation, just has such an aura, a class, a sense of presence about them. They each have their own personalised style, a panache and a sense of such immense confidence with empathy too boot. The training group is such an eclectic group too. Some women there, do so much more volunteer and charity work, that it is absolutely inspiring. I believe the oldest lady in our group is close to eighty, and yet she is so sprightly and fresh. I am making friends, and learning things just through the personal interactions. In someways, I feel like I am finally back home, a place where I like being, where I want to be, a place which inspires me to actually wake up early in the morning, and take the effort to get there. For now, it seems too good to be true, and I just hope I don't jinx it any. And I think only because I am loving it as much as I am, I am not in tears each morning that I leave the BB and go. The very first day, when I was on my way in the tram, and did not really know what it would be like, I found myself close to tears at the thought of having left the BB, to go out to do my own thing. It has been easier in the weeks that followed. And I did I tell you the GP actually gets him fed, dressed and everything and drops him off to the day-care on those days? Another big point to him!

The GP's birthday is coming up, a week from now, and I am already wondering what to do. All ideas on celebrations and gifts are most welcome people. These are the most important things that have been happening in my life the past few days/weeks. Add to that lots of dinner guests, and general guests, and homework, and cooking, and some more, and you will understand, how it has become such a tough task for me to stay on my laptop for more than five minutes at a time. Please do update me on what is up with you!

Trying To Keep Mum!

2010-05-31T14:00:00.002+10:00

I have heard or read somewhere, that the more often we talk about the unpleasant experiences of our lives, the deeper goes its impact. Somehow talking about it, seems to keep reviving the memories of the incident, maybe even, some other unpleasant ones connected to it and just digs deeper into our minds. Its like if I have a fight with a stranger on the street about something, and seethe about it. Then I come back home and tell the GP about it, the anger is revived anew, then I speak to a friend the next day and tell her about it too, and once again the mind gets agitated. And hence each time I talk about it, the agitation, anger, frustration just goes deeper inside my mind. Creating a deeper pocket of negativity.

I think the concept is true, it does indeed happen, the more we talk about it, the more we end up thinking about it, and the more it keeps bothering us. So how easy is it, then to just shut up and not talk about it? Not easy at all, I think. Something happened today, something that would seem rather small, but it got my goat, besides that it triggered a memory of similar past incidents, and just got into the snowball effect. I am trying to get my mind away from it, but then the mind does have a mind of its own. Its easy to fall into the vortex of anger, negative thinking, self pity, bitchiness. So I have taken a proactive step, something I have never done before. I have decided not to talk aloud about it. It is coming to my mind now and again, and it will be easy to just call up someone and talk about it, but I am not doing it. I did tell the GP first off, because it was just too fresh in my mind at that point, but post that I decided to try this experiment, of keeping mum about it. It is hard, very hard, but I am trying. And I am hoping that it works, and I get over it sooner, and better. The three hours of watching Avataar definitely helped.

Tell me how you deal with situations that bother you? Is it always a good idea to tell a friend and lighten your heart and mind? What are the tricks up your sleeve, please do share!

Tales From Tonight

2010-05-30T00:36:00.001+10:00

First of, let me apologise, to all the people who peeped into this space the last few days to see, if there was anything new here, and found nothing, and some more, to the couple of readers who actually asked me what is keeping me from blogging. I apologise, because I am very disappointed when there are no updates on the blogs I visit, I keep haunting them for updates. There is not a clear reason, as to why there have not been any new posts in a while. Just that life has suddenly gotten busy with a million things happening almost each day, and I decided to live it rather than struggle for time, lose sleep and blog about it. I miss posting regularly, but I am forcing myself to take it a bit easy.

My training began this week. It was an amazing experience. I will, for my own sake, post on it, in detail. And then some more.

But this is just something that happened tonight, and I just had to share it. Today, the BB forced us to buy him a box of lollies, at the market, and we did. At night, he wanted to hold the box and sleep, I was very unhappy about it, and told him to go to sleep on his own, if he was not ready to let go of the box. He chose the box. Good enough. I left the room, telling him to not come out of the bedroom and fall asleep on his own. For a while we could hear him, and then it became quiet. I decided to go check on him after five minutes of silence. Opened the bedroom door to find no one...... surprised, I looked around, and this is what I found.

Do note the box in his hand, and the phone charger near his legs. I am guessing he was trying to plug in the charger, and fell asleep doing that. He was deep asleep, and awakened by the flashing of the camera, but went back to sleep easily enough once I put him on the bed. My little cartoon I tell you!

The Sound Of 'Something'

2010-05-17T01:20:00.000+10:00

Looks like I have to eat my words, and fortunately for once, I am doing so rather happily. When I recently wrote the post, which stated, I was expecting a disappointment heading my way, I was rather sure, it would come my way, and I would mope and moan about it for a really really long time to come. I even had a super duper post title prepared in my mind to share my woes with the world. It was to be called, 'The Sound Of Nothing'. And since things turned out to be different from my expectations, so did the title of the projected post.

Now to bring you in the loop, about what happened. Since the last few months, I have been a little edgy, feeling the need to add more to my life, wanting to do more. Even the blogging has slowed down, often enough I have opened up to write a post, and been unable to go beyond a few lines. The reason being my mind is dulled, and yet agitated. My mind works the best when it has a lot to do, when I lay it to rest, it just does not start up easy. As simple as that. Coming back to 'my thing', I was not sure, how exactly to add to my life. Time-wise, I have pretty packed days as is. I am a really slow worker, you see, but I needed something to keep me happy, something to feed the mind and heart. I had planned on studying a course, close to my heart, but it did not work out for certain reasons. And so I was back to square one. Went back to looking for options. The only one being work, and even there I have a million constraints. I don't want to go back to where I once was, and I cannot work full-time, and I cannot work from home, and I cannot travel too far, since I don't yet drive, and......... well so you get the picture. The thing is, I wanted to start working, in a field, where I would be interacting with people as persons, I wanted to get into something along the lines of social work, counseling and such. Tough luck again, because I have never even dipped a toe in that river. But I kept looking.

And I came across a women's help group. They recruit and train volunteers, and the whole set-up really appealed to me. I called them up, and they sent me information brochures, from which I learnt, they were about to take in a new set of trainees. Obviously I applied. So the week before last I attended an orientation session, where they told us, everything about themselves, the training, and the work thereafter. I filled up my forms, and was requested to attend a group interview the next week, for them to assess, if I fit the bill. Surprisingly, for a place where an applicant needs to pay for training and then commit to a whole year of volunteer work, they had double the number of applicants, to the number of positions they needed to fill. It has been ages, and really ages, since I attended a formal interview of any sort. And here, I did not even know how to prepare. But knowing myself, I know I perform best impromptu and so I left it at that. Last Tuesday afternoon was my interview.

Things can mess up horribly, when you are really looking forward to it. I had to drop the BB to his day care centre and then take the tram to my interview. I needed to leave home, the latest by 12:30 to be able to make it in time. The BB however had coughing fits throughout the previous night, fell asleep only at around 8 in the morning, and I had to force him awake at quarter to 12. Fed, him dressed him and finally left home only past 1. I knew, I was running very very late. Had to call a cab to the centre to pick me up. Made it to the venue just in time, and the rest of the group was waiting. Started off, and what did I know, there were women with so many qualifications and and such vast experience in the field, that I felt like a complete fool, even being there. There are confidentiality issues here, and so I cannot go into details, but believe me, there was no one, as inappropriate to fit the bill as me. I just prayed, that, my true zeal for the work shows. When we were done, the ladies interviewing us, told us that the ones selected, would be called up and informed, before the end of the week, which basically meant by 5pm Friday. And I thought it would be better to get some confirmation of a rejection, instead of no intimation at all. And hence came the title, 'The Sound Of Nothing', to my mind.

Thursday afternoon, a friend and her little one were around, and the house was one hurricane hit place, with the BB and Aadya having the time of their lives. We were sitting around sipping tea, when my phone rang, and I wondered who it was, since I receive very few calls, and when I do, they are usually ones that I am expecting. I picked up my phone, and saw the number belonged to the training coordinator of the organisation. And I knew that I had made the final cut, and my joys knew no bounds. I pretty much gushed through the entire call, where I was offered an opportunity to volunteer. The lady at the other end, infact even commented, that she was happy to find me so excited. Once the call ended, I hugged everyone around the house. Called up, the out-of-town GP and informed him of the good news and bounced like a ball around the house a few times. Then in my usual fill of low self-esteem, went on to dissect the reason I had been selected, such as, I am not working or studying anywhere, so they can be sure I have the time to dedicate and such like, till finally I think Trishna got tiered of it, and said, "Maybe, it is because you were good!". It felt so nice, just hear someone say that, and I felt even better.

So basically it has been a cloud nine thing for me, since the call. I am settling down, and also realising the fact, that this is not fetching me any money or anything, and yet this is just the kind of work I want to do, and it does not need me to commit much time. The training will be a little rigorous, but even that will just need me to commit one working day in the week. And that is just such a great way for me to start off at this point. I am just not prepared to leave the BB everyday of the week and go, and the fact that really gives me comfort, is that the GP's workplace is close to his Care Centre, and that way one of us will be close by at all times. And that brings me to, my beloved GP. He has been happier than me about this, more supportive than I can imagine. I had almost dropped going for the interview, since the BB was coughing so much the night before, but he persuaded me to just go and give it a try anyways. And had it not been for his pushing, I may have, just not gone.

Since a baking spree is on currently, I decided to bake a cake, to celebrate my own success. This one is made with whole wheat flour instead of the all purpose flour/maida, and hence healthier than the average cake. Frosting is a newly learnt skill, so I indulged myself there, and decorated with a few gems. It tastes absolutely heavenly, and everyone who tasted it, rated it as the best one I have baked here so far! So please be a part of my joy, and dig in.

Trans-Continental Baking Experiment - A Chocolate Mud Cake

2010-05-13T20:00:00.003+10:00

I have been baking cakes for a while now. Nothing fancy, nothing great, but just regular, simple cakes. I have had issues with them each time I moved, and I have ranted galore about that too. I must be settling in, because the baking has improved a lot since the rants. But yet, my cakes as always have been plain and simple, the way I learnt as a child. Equal quantities of sugar, flour(maida), eggs and butter, all beaten really well, a pinch of baking powder, a flavour additive if we like, and off in the oven to bake. And that is the way it is for me. Since I love chocolate cakes, I picked up a packet of dark chocolate melts from the supermarket on one of my recent visits. Behind it, was the recipe for a mud-cake. I have been for a while, wanting to try my hand at frosting a cake, something I have never done, but seeing the gorgeous cakes my hot-shot expert baker/blogger friends belt out, I have been wanting to have a go. The recipe I found was complicated, it needed a lot of things, and I was not sure it would turn out great. So I looked up for other options online, there were many recipes for mud-cakes, quite different from each other, and I was totally nonplussed.

And so I decided to take the smart route and mail them and ask for a recipe that had been tried. Most of them had not tried a mud cake, but 'A' graciously sent a link to a recipe she had used to bake cup-cakes. I tried, and frosted a cake for the very first time in my life. While the frosting turned out really well, and the cake tasted heavenly too, the texture of it flopped miserably, and I had almost no sponginess or pores within. The taste though was, purrrrrfect. I reported my results to the 'jury', and the experienced women, decided to tackle the issue head on, and each one of them decided to give it a try. 'A', Monika, Smitha and Trishna, got on the jobs, did a little bit of tweaking here and there to the recipes, and landed up with absolutely and delightfully perfect versions. The flurry of e-mails, and exchange of tips and ideas that happened over all of last week amongst the five of us, has definitely left me a lot smarter about baking. I say this with no qualms, that I am the least experienced baker of them all, and infact the worst of them lot. After my not-too-great first attempt, when each of the other ladies came up with such perfect renditions, I knew I had to give it another go, even if just to save my own self-respect. And I did, on Sunday. And would you believe it, my first try, did not bake properly, because we needed to go out, and I checked just the sides, which had been baked, but the centre was still completely wet. I realised this when we got back home at 8pm. All my Lindtt, dark chocolate down the drain. But by then I knew I could not rest till I got it right, so I got down to bake another one, just then, and was finally done with the frosting and decorating by a little after midnight. And had to wait till then to cut in and see if this one was good. And yes it was, just perfect.

It was the perfect culmination for all the fun we had learning about baking, small tips and tricks from each other. Five women, four different continents, Asia(Monu), Europe (Smitha), North America ('A') and Australia (Trishna and me) and one cake over a period of one week. It has been awesome fun, and the fact is we have branched out into a lot of other recipes and more. Thank you ladies for teaching me so so so many ways to improve my baking and taking the time and effort to share your thoughts, experiences, and actually trying out the cake. Hope we keep doing this, again and again.

Presenting you with my final product.

And just hop over to read about how 'A', Smitha, Monika and Trish baked theirs.

Nothing To Say

2010-05-12T21:40:00.003+10:00

I have a disappointment heading up my way this week, and I will definitely post about it, when the time comes, have even thought up of a cool title for that post. So expect that sometime in the weekend, or if I am too busy, early next week. Frankly speaking though, I have been desperately wanting to write a post today, and I am absolutely unable to come up with anything at all, when I finally it down to do it. I have a few ideas, but somehow i know I cannot translate them well into a coherent post at the moment. So what do I do? Torture anyone who drops in with the mundane, my life.

The GP is away yet again, on a business trip. (I wonder if business trip is the right term for someone who is employed and not running a business per se.) Its kind of depressing on lonely winter evenings, when the man is not around. And yes winter it is. Its freezing and chilling out here. Like a fool I went out with just a sweater on yesterday, no socks or shoes, hat or gloves, and I actually froze up partly and had to thaw my feet when I got back home. It has been ages, and I mean literally ages, since I have been in a place that cold. I had forgotten what it really feels like, and it will take me a bit to re-ignite my chill fighting skills. happy being indoors, heater on, warm and nice, really! And yes, I am desperately missing my fur(faux) lined black leather jacket, from the times I actually lived in a place that got chilled in winters. Officially though we are still in autumn time here, the winters are ushered in only next month, and I can only pray that I will survive. I have no idea why I am dreading the cold so so much. Maybe the joints that have already started to creak have something to do with it. And no, its not exaggeration, my joints are actually creaking, makes me wonder what my real bodily age is.

In other news, the BB is fascinated with the hair and head of his peers, and his been tugging at any that he can lay his hands on. The problem is I don't even understand why he is doing it, so I don't even understand what to tell him. And yes, I am taking a break from the playgroup for the next few months. Because, once again, it is really getting cold, and its no fun waiting for long periods of time on the bus-stop, or walking in the chilly breeze, and most importantly, because I am really mad at the other mothers there. I think the last one is in fact the real reason. I don't really wish to go into petty details right now, and maybe I am mis-interpreting the social cues of this society, but whatever it is, I am unhappy! And no, there is nothing racist about the situation.

Life is on as usual, a little happy a little sad.I am sleeping a lot these days, and I mean a real 'lot'. Its so cosy inside the quilt, I just don't feel like giving it up in the mornings, and most mornings I lay in till the BB decides he wants to be up. Privileges of being a stay-at-home-mom I guess. And of course, I love my sleep.

So tell em friends, what is up with your life? And yes all my blog readers are my friends, so just tell me what is up with you too.

And What Was Yesterday?

2010-05-10T23:38:00.000+10:00

Going by the staple idea of an ideal mother, in the Western society, I kind of made the cut this Mother's day, by baking a batch of choco-chip cookies for the sonny. Fresh out of the oven, the whole wheat variety, to be had with a glass of milk. This was my first ever attempt at baking cookies, and the first batch burnt up, because I thought I had to let them be in, till they harden up, fortunately the second batch behaved better. The recipe comes off one of the rather accomplished bakers of the blog-world, Monika, and I completely loved this rather healthy cookie recipe she put up. And no doubt, it was super duper yummy too, to boot.

Like them?

Mother's Day, a well peddled, advertising gimmick, to celebrate one's mother, that is the way I look at it. Why? Because my child had better celebrate having me for a mother, every single day, atleast till he gets on with life on his own. At the least I can live under the illusion that he does. And inspite of thinking of the day as an advertising gimmick, I always welcome gifts, and so i greedily lapped up the many baking dishes that came in as my gift of the day!

The fact is being a mother, is all about having a part of your heart growing outside of your body. That is literally how I have come to feel, in the few years that I have been a mother. For a bit we take our hearts for granted, it will beat, pump the blood in my body, and so on. As a mother I take my child for granted at times, just like that. And a slight little pain in the heart and our anxiety levels shoot up, sky high, the child is a little unwell, and we react the same. And yes, a little trouble with either, a heartburn in our heart or a big, sad puppy face on our child, the guilt trips they can take us on, are rather enormous. We walk, exercise, eat well to keep our heart healthy. We mind our language, behave well and generally try to be good role models for our children. How different are they really then from our hearts, besides the fact that they grow outside our bodies, and as they keep growing, they also spend a lot of time being physically farther and farther apart from us. At many many times, being a mother is equivalent to being on one of those horror rides of amusement parks, because you never know what to expect next, and the scares can be big. And yet, just like the heart, a child fills us with love, softness, tenderness and kindness, like nothing else ever can.

Being a mother is so far, no mean task for me, for most importantly I still just cannot let go. I will get there I know, someday, someway, maybe because I simply have to, but not just right now. It has brought me on my knees, broken me down, scared me to my bones, made me grow guilt the size of an elephant, it has taken a toll on my body and health, has made me perpetually teary eyed and yet it has made me more loving, giving, kinder, softer, gentler, and filled me with joys like nothing else I have ever known before. It is not easy, being a mother, really it is not, and I will not mask it with words like, but the smile makes it all worth it, because really when you have not had a decent night's sleep in months, and your baby decides midnight is the right time to exercise his lungs by crying out loud, and refusing to keep quiet unless held by you, for hours at a stretch, the smile does not quite cut it, at that moment. And yet,in ways that I did not quite realise, motherhood caught me unaware, and converted me into a creature, which is a mix of a doe, in constant fear, because a piece of her heart is outside her body(remember???), a tigress who can kill to protect her cubs and an ewe, who lovingly nurtures her lambs. Am I happy with that? Well honestly, and cross my heart, I am. I do miss the times, when my entire heart was in my body, and did not need feeding, cleaning, teaching, disciplining, being put to sleep and a million more things, because those were carefree days, but I think I am too deep into motherhood now, to ever be able to go back to that. I am in 24X7 job.

And knowing what it is, let me raise a toast to every mother out there in the world, man or animal, biological or adopted, female or male, because it is not easy being you. And each one of you, in your own special way, love and cherish your child like only you could, and make the world a better place being the loving tender shade of care for your child. Happy Mother's Day!

And that is the little creature who makes me a mother. The piece of my heart, growing outside of me.

See It To Believe It

2010-05-07T19:32:00.000+10:00

We recently saw an hour long documentary on this video shot by a tourist in Africa, and I could not help but be fascinated. Wanted to share it, for everyone to see. Sometimes the ferocious lion has to beat a retreat too.

And a wonderful comment left on youtube
"parit1211 iv heard this footage was taken by a tourist at the Kruger park. This amateur managed to capture a clip which many experienced photographers haven't been able to do in their careers displaying the circle of life beautifully. "

Doing Something Right

2010-05-05T18:10:00.006+10:00

Yesterday, I wanted to go to attend a meeting/seminar in the city, and so decided to drop the BB off at the care centre in the morning, instead of his usual post-lunch timing. With the passing days, he has just become more comfortable going there, and yesterday for once he did not cling to me, even when I said bye and gave him a kiss. I turned to leave, and headed for the door, while the carer, told all the kids to put on their hats, and get ready to go out into the play area. The BB's room had a door opening to the play area at one end, and towards the exit at the other. Like all the other kids, the BB absolutely loves being in the outdoor play area, which has the bikes, the sand pit and more. And hence I was sure, he would run to the door, just like all the other kids had, and were huddling around waiting for the door to open. Instead he turned and began his journey towards the exit door, and I worried, he was going to be clingy for a bit. What did I know?

There was this one little boy, who could not find his hat. he was holding his bag with one hand and groping in it with the other, to find his hat. The BB, just came upto him, and started pulling him. He had no idea, what the other kid was doing, and the other kid did not really get why the BB was pulling him either. But I knew, the moment I saw it happen. The BB would not leave this one behind and head out to the play area, he thought that the other kid possibly did not know, and came to take him along. He does it at home too, he refuses to step out, till both the GP and I, or more people if present, are all ready to go out, and this no matter how much he himself wants to be out. I lingered at the door for a bit, to see what happens. The boy would pull away his hand, and get back to digging into his bag, and the BB would keep tugging at his arm, to take him along. And it lasted for the good two minutes, till I left, and possibly even after. My BB was ready for forgo his play area fun to ensure that the other child did not get left behind. What a moment of pure motherly pride it was for me.

I cannot express in words, the joy and peace I felt. And for once I realised, that in my mind, my own accomplishments, and deeds pale so miserably, in comparison to the littlest nice things the BB does. I do not need my son to be an academic genius, or a rich business tycoon, the only thing I want him to be, or rather hope he turns out to be, is a good human being, and nothing more, possibly also the one thing that is completely for him to develop into. And if I can see small bursts of that happening, the sheer joy I experience is boundless and more immense than anything I have ever felt before. I called up everyone I could, to share the tale, and told all his grandparents too, and their gloating and glee was way more than my own. I went about the rest of my day with the widest grin on my face, and knew that somewhere, I was doing something right in bringing up my son! Love you my little darling.

My SaTuRdAy

2010-05-02T23:03:00.004+10:00

What do you think is this?

A huge container full of books and more, being given away!

When a month starts on a note this high, I only hope the rest of the days to follow can keep up, or rather I hope they do! It was Saturday, and we were in mid-day limbo, trying to decide on what to do for the day, when suddenly my phone rang, and a friend informed me, that a library had closed down in the City, and they were just giving away their entire collection on the streets. Well, the whole family was dressed and on the go within the next 15 minutes, though we expected to find very little by the time we got there. But fate had different plans, the container was still full of books, and more was being poured in every now and then. It was just, pick, take and go. Can you imagine, a whole library full of books just being let go. I jumped in, and grabbed as many as I could. And what was amazing was there was no pushing, no shoving, and not even any tugging, people, and surprisingly few, considering the fact they were being let go, were there, taking there time and picking what they liked.

My LOOT! 34 of them. There is even one by Rahi Masoom Reza.

Isn't that just the best way for the month to start. I informed a couple of other friends about it, and at least one, did rush in to get some for herself.

And then I caught sight of the 3rd Zombie shuffle happening in Melbourne. It was amazing to see thousands of people dressed like zombies, walking down the street. Most of them with unbelievably realistic make-up, making them look so so scary. I wish I had time to capture more photos, or atleast my camera with me, but the phone is what I had to make do with.

And then ofcourse my day ended, with my first ever attempt at a cake with frosting, and that too a mud cake. Did not turn out 'great', but tasted quite well, and so I am happy.

And so, this is how May has begun for me this year. How has it been for you?

Crazy Scary Day

2010-04-27T23:46:00.000+10:00

Yesterday turned out to be one of the most anxiety ridden, crazy day of my life. The GP left for his first overnight business trip since we got here, the night before. I stayed up really late, and went to bed, only when I just could not keep my eyelids apart,because that was the only way to ensure a good night's sleep, without frights and scares and ofcourse the dollops of self pity which comes easy. The morning, that followed, I did not even attempt to wake up, till the BB was up and all ready to go about his day.

This weekend was a long one, since Monday was a holiday, but there went my day of fun, with the GP gone. So halfheartedly I started off my day by serving the BB his breakfast, and told him to eat it, while I went about me day's work, expecting nothing more than some evening loneliness, and boredom. Obviously I did not know better. The BB did not have his breakfast, and since I told him he could not get off the dining chair till he had that single slice of bread, he decided to curl up on the seat and just lay there instead. Follow that up with me burning my wrist on the inner side, trying to clean my gas stove, not a big deal in itself, but its just that the location of the injury was a first timer. And this was the smallest thing to happen in the day.

I am very scared of flights, and I mean really really scared. For me taking a flight, whether myself or any of my loved ones, basically means a fifty-fifty chance of making it out alive. Blame it on the GP who made me watch a million episodes of Air Crash Investigations, instilling in me a lifelong fear of flying. And hence it is a firm rule, that the GP must inform me, as soon as he lands each time he takes a flight. Well, what do you think happened yesterday? His phones did not work when he landed, the international roaming did not kick in on either of his phones, he was in a rush to get to a conference with his colleague, and could not make a short stop call either, and I was freaking out beyond imagination. I left him text messages, kept trying his numbers, and eventually ended up even leaving him a mail. All this while the BB still did not have his breakfast and remained curled up on the chair. I finally take things into my own hands, and start feeding him, and he promptly pukes it all out. My mind is still busy wondering about the GP, and so I pick up the BB who seemed bored and tiered by then, make him drink some water, and put him down for a pre-lunch nap. I went back into the kitchen, and tried to cook lunch, but I was just too worried about the GP to concentrate. Somehow I manage to whip up something edible for lunch, bring the BB down for his lunch, he simply refuses to eat, so I leave him alone, and let him nap some more. Have my own lunch, get back to the laptop, and see a two liner from the GP telling me he is safe and sound, and just cannot call me. Though not happy, at the least I was off my worries on that front.

With the dipping mercury in the climate, a post lunch nap feels like a lovely option, with the BB wanting to nap, I just curl up next to him, under the cosy quilt and go off to la la land. We wake up, and I finally get some food into the BB, his first bits of the day. He seemed lazy and lethargic, but I blamed that all on his being without food since morning. He felt a bit warm, and I thought that was about being under the quilt most of the day. But at half past seven, a while after his meal, the BB's lethargy, did not quite leave me comfortable, so I thought I will check his temperature to calm my fears. Well, who knew, calm was the last thing I would be for the day. The thermometer in no time jumped to over a 102, and I was at my wit's end. I immediately called up a friend, who took us to the doctor in his car. The clinic was closing down for the day, and I had to beg them to have a look at the BB, and fortunately they did. The doctor checked up the BB a bit and simply asked me to give him some paracetamol, and get him back to the clinic in the morning if the fever did not go away. And I thought, my job was just to monitor his temperature through the night, and giving him regular doses of paracetamol. Apparently not.

A couple of hours after I administered the first dose of the medicine, the BB's temperature shot up again. I could not administer another dose for another hour and half atleast. The doctor had suggested sponging him with cool water to keep the temperature down, and I would have done that, had the BB not been shivering by then. It was close to midnight by then, and I was nonplussed about what to do next. I called up my friends again, and we decided to take him to the Royal Children's Hospital. We got there at midnight. The nurses, took down his details, I registered at the reception, and were told to wait, till his name was called out. Good enough, I thought, after all, how long could it possibly take in the Emergency Room of such a huge hospital. What did I know. It was way past 1, and not a single child had been called in. This was not looking good any longer. I asked the nurses again, requested them to check the BB's temperature, and it was a good 104 degrees, and he was sleeping peacefully in my arms. The nurse advised no medicine as long as he was comfortable. I waited. At close to two, I could not wait anymore, I asked, just how long would it take for a doctor to have a look at the BB. Apparently there were six other people waiting ahead of me, and the wait period was expected to be close to four hours, which the nurse exclaimed was a good thing, since in the day it is usually over six hours. What the hell does EMERGENCY mean, I wondered. My friends had office the next day morning, and looking at the way things were going, it just did not seem to make sense to wait anymore, so I decided to leave. Apparently a child with a head injury, had left just before we arrived after a long wait too. I am appalled at the state of health care here, and that is the least I can say post that horrifying experience. A little girl was howling in pain, falling asleep, and waking up howling in pain yet again, with absolutely no doctor to attend to her, nor a nurse or staff member who expressed even a hint of caring. When I spoke to the nurse and told her the BB had a temperature of over 103, she just coolly kept chewing her gum, and replied bluntly that she did not know what that meant. The reason, I am guessing, is that they use the Celsius scale. But her attitude, well, it was just amazing, and if you thought chewing a gum meant the nurse was a young girl, you are wrong, because she was atleast a good forty years old. I just came back home completely disgusted with the system, and lack of care and organisation, in a supposedly developed nation. If you cannot provide prompt health care services, in your hospitals' emergency rooms, I don't think the country has any right to call itself developed. It was scary enough with a burning up BB, in a new place without the GP, but the last thing I had expected was to come back from a hospital after waiting for over two hours, without a doctor even looking at my sick child.

Back home, I kept monitoring the temperature. As per the instructions of the nurses at the hospital, and the information sheet they gave me on children's fevers, I held back the medicine, for as long as I could. I was up till my eyes started to shut down of their own accord, and finally at 4am, I decided I needed to get rest, since I could not afford to fall off exhausted myself. The temperature was hovering around 102, and so I gave him a dose of the medicine, and then I prayed. Infact I called on God, as though He was my own father, and told Him, He had to, simply had to look after the BB while I get some sleep, and that the BB was His responsibility while I slept. At 5am, I woke up. The BB was sweating heavily, and his fever was gone. His clothes were damp with his perspiration, and his hair wet. I changed him, and slept again. I checked his temperature next at 9am, and it was hovering around 99. And that is the way it has been all day long today, hovering around 99. But the big deal is, that he has been happy and active all day, and most importantly has been eating a bit. Till the fever crosses, a 100, I don't give him any meds, so for all practical purposes, he is just fine. So I can thank the great Lord, for truly taking care of my son, when I actually handed over his care to Him. Breathing easier today, but checking on the BB's temperature every hour, who has suddenly started finding it very amusing and wants to be checked every five minutes instead.

I can only express my gratitude to God for making the fever go away, and hope that the BB is completely fine, before the GP gets back. And that is how my life goes, and makes me wonder if I will ever get back to working again, what would I do, when the BB falls ill, times when I completely lose my mind, and cannot think of being away from him even momentarily!

A Couple Of Facebook Things

2010-04-26T16:01:00.000+10:00

It is quite difficult to now imagine life, before the advent of blogs and Facebook, atleast for me. I know life was easier, more real, and there was much less strain on the eyes, but somehow the memories of it all have blurred now. Facebook seems such an easy place to connect, share, socialise. Anyone goes for a trip anywhere in the world, and I get to see what it was like, birthday celebrations, even gorgeous food cooked, I can see it all, from oceans and continents away. And yet the medium irks and amazes me all the time.

The feature that suggests friends, is fun, suddenly you see names, that tug at your foggy memory, and sometimes it clears up to show a name from the past. What I find really fun, is sometimes seeing the 'mutual friends' list. For someone who went to the same school or college as me, I would expect a list consisting of people from the same institution as mutual friends, and that is no surprise. Sometimes there are suggestions for people, whom I I have never known, and so I check if there are any mutual friends, since I cannot really trust my memory, whole and sole. And there in that list would be a friend from school, one from work, another I know through blogs, and just makes me wonder, if in fact there really is just six degrees of separation. And how in fact strangers are not really all that unknown to us.

And then there has to be something that really gets my goat ofcourse. I love, and I mean absolutely love seeing the photos of my friends on Facebook. But each time there is a new set of photos up there, and I comment on them, because I really cannot resist, or even 'like' them, my mailbox is them full of a million messages regarding every other comment on those photos that have followed mine. And then the 3 or 4 meaningful messages in my inbox, hidden within 50 from Facebook, often get overlooked or sent to the trash. When I comment on a photo, I don't have any desire to know who else did, unless the person whose pic it is, responds to the comment or someone directs something at me. I try resisting my comments, till a few days after the photos have been posted, but very very rarely succeed, and that means a huge deluge of notification mails will flood my Inbox unnecessarily. And I hate that.

Tell me people, all of those who use Facebook, do you love it, hate it, or like me find somethings nice, and some not so much about it.

Some Pictures

2010-04-23T13:09:00.002+10:00

need no words!

Yes that's the BB, and as much as he would love to play with the cat, a friend of ours holds, he is also a bit scared, and hence his hand is inching forward so trepidly.

Please Don't Smoke

2010-04-22T15:10:00.006+10:00

This post could, and will eventually contain some points about how harmful the act of smoking is to the physical body, but I am writing this to express my strong dislike of smokers. I understand that smokers, are addicts, just like many others, who are addicted to drugs, drinks, television, video games or even sex(yes, that is the new one doing the rounds, sex-addiction. huh?). And honestly if anyone has an addiction that they can nurture without harming others, its none of my business to poke my long nose anywhere, but smoking, well its wrong left, right and centre from where I see it. The smoker himself/herself, has consciously decided to burn his/her lungs, but that in no way means they can burn mine. My tolerance towards smoking has gone from high to nearly zero in that last few years. I just cannot stand it anymore.

Smokers smoke everywhere, anytime, anyplace, and they expect the rest of the world to just sit around and inhale the toxic fumes they emit, which is just disgusting. On two recent occasions, I have come back home enraged because of inconsiderate, and addicted smokers. On one occasion a lady brought her child to play, in the play area of the park, got out of the wood chips covered ring and smoked away to glory, as if the smoke would not come into the area the kids were playing. I gave her the dirtiest look I could garner. In a second, more horrifying incident, I saw a three or four month old baby being carried by a woman(possibly the mother) who was happily puffing away on her cigarette, and walking along with a man, doing the same. The baby was right in her arms, inhaling in every breath, the toxic fumes. If you cannot quit smoking, atleast don't breathe it out into your baby's lungs woman, I felt like screaming out.

Image picked up from another blog.

Smoking is a terrible addiction. Its great that the government here, is more proactive about discouraging it. One look at the cigarette packs is enough to scare someone. It has graphic images of terrible diseases caused by smoking, and one needs to see it to believe just how scary they are. (I am not putting them up here, but for some really frightening images, go to this blog, from where I have picked up the image above.) But then they are smokers who will not be daunted by such things ofcourse. I would have nothing against them, if they smoked within their own homes, and ingested all those fumes themselves, but when they let it out in the air, especially near the BB it just totally and completely infuriates me. Because this is one addiction that harms people around the smoker as much as it does the smoker himself or herself. And then people who have never smoked in their lives and neither wish to, end up bearing the ill effects too just by being around them.

A couple of things I believe every smoker should always keep in mind is, not to smoke in the homes of other people, nor in public places. Since most malls here, have strict no-smoking policy, every entrance and exit will be crammed with smokers out for a puff before going back in for their time at the mall, so there is no way one can enter or exit the mall without inhaling some of the noxious fumes. While I often end up holding my breath for a few seconds, I cannot actually pinch the BB's nose shut, to keep the fumes away from him. Many of you, who read this, may think I am being overly uptight or stuffy about this. But trust me I am not. I have no issues with drinkers, who drink themselves, without unleashing the effects on others. Smoking is different, because it creates passive smokers out of everyone who is around, and it is unfair. If I am not a smoker, why should I face the ill-effects, because someone else cannot control their urge? And imagine the little baby, with the parents blowing smoke rings into her face at such a young age, what is that doing to her delicate body and health.

One of the many online sites describing the ill-effects of smoking, is what I am linking up here, and asking you to tell me after reading this, whether it is acceptable to fall prey to the ill-effects without ever having taken a puff yourself ?

This Post Would Probably Not Have Been

2010-04-20T20:51:00.000+10:00

But human niceness always overwhelms me, especially when done without motive or purpose. It overwhelms me, because I see very little of it, in the world today and more so because it inspires me to try a bit harder to be a better human being. Touch wood for such wonderful people.

The other day, I was checking my mail-box, mind you, the mail-box and not the inbox, and I laid my hands on a slightly lumpy envelope. Pulled it out, and surprisingly, it was hand-written and addressed to me. The envelope felt exactly like it was holding a rakhi. It was surprising, because I don't think anyone would really 'write' to me. So I come home and open the envelope, to find a note and a small package. To get the rest, you will need the background story, so here goes....

Rewind to a couple of weeks, and after a lot of trying over the last few months, I finally found a sideboard/buffet for my dining space. The new ones in stores cost nothing less than $800, and I definitely did not want that, and so I was waiting for the right one to turn up on one of the trading sites. Used was what it had to be, and then I had grand plans of a floor lamp in the corner. The sideboard that I found was for $30, and it was five years old, from IKEA. I mailed the guy who was selling it the night I saw it, and the next morning found his reply, saying he would like to hand it over to me that very day or the next at the most, if I wanted it. Good enough I thought, and asked him if he could deliver to my address, which was quite a way off his own location and he agreed to that too. Transportation is expensive business in this part of the world, and this man delivered it to me for free. It was brought to my home that very afternoon, and the man told me, he, himself had brought it all the way from London, but could not fit it into him home here. Felt like it came all the way across the world just for me. It is exactly what I wanted, no glass exteriors, no sharp edges, and just the perfect height. And the price.... well let me just say I found a steal. (And would you believe it, the very same day I also found a lamp on sale at the same site for $10.)

However when the GP sat down to assemble the sideboard, two supports for a shelf was missing. I just mailed the guy saying they were missing, and if he finds them, let me know, and we would drop in and pick it up. And that was the end of it, till I received the envelope in my mail. There in the envelope, nicely packed were the two supports, and a note saying he had found them, and was hence mailing them to me. And I think that really was sweet of him, not because that is the right thing to do, but because very few people would take the effort to do that, take the extra effort, without anything to gain from it.

I was very excited about my new possessions of course, for the warm glow it added to my dining space, and the things got in place just before Easter, just perfect. I wanted to click photos and do a post, but just never got around to doing it, and would probably never have, had it not been for the shelf supports which came in the mail. So here I proudly present to you my gorgeous new possessions.

Doesn't it look absolutely beautiful?

And here is presenting a closer look of my onion lamp. It would have been hidden from view, on the floor, so I places it on the sideboard instead, and I think it looks just perfect.

For $40, that's a bright warm corner in my home!

Of Parenting

2010-04-19T16:29:00.002+10:00

When, if ever, is the right age for parents to leave their child in the care of others, is a question that keeps coming to me often these days, since we started sending the BB to the care centre. I have a million doubts about, whether I am doing the right thing or not? The GP is much more determined on this front, and is sure that we need to let him be, for him to grow and learn. I do agree about the growing and learning bit, but, I still am not sure.

Anyone who has been reading me, is sure to know that I am quite a paranoid mother. I work hard at keeping it in check, but sometimes it gets to me. After we shifted to this place, the BB has finally had the opportunity to spend time regularly with kids of his age, at the playgroup, the care centre, the park. And I am very happy about it, what concerns me though, are the things he ends up learning at times. The BB has, so far never been an aggressive or violent child. No, he is no angel, and can quite scream and cry his heart out when things don't go his way, and be a complete brat when it so pleases him, but he is not aggressive in his attitude or behaviour with other kids. Correction, was not. Overnight, it seems, he has learnt to push, shove and horror of horrors, grab the throat. I have seen the kids at the centre, push and hit each other, playfully, when I go to drop the BB there, and I was a little concerned about it, but to see him pick it up so soon, I really don't know what to do. It is quite mortifying as a parent, to know, that a child, we think we are bringing up well, go and push or shove another child. And yet, I realise after a lot of thinking, that it is all a part of his learning curve, possibly, time for his first lesson in selective learning, from what he sees around him.

He needs to spend time with children his age, to facilitate a normal social development, and when I let that happen, I cannot control what he learns from there. And we cannot hand pick the kids he spends his time with, just as we cannot hand pick the people we work, go to school or move around with. The important thing is know what to learn and what to leave out from what we see all around ourselves. Brings me back to my original thinking, that we can only impart, or rather try to impart the right values and principles to our children, and hope they use it well, because they will eventually leave the nest someday. But isn't three a age too young to impart values, and expect them to stick to them all the time. And hence I wonder, what in fact is the right age to let a child, infact go solo. Had we been in India, I would not have a choice but to send him to school/pre-school by now. And it would not necessarily be a place of my choice! Coming back to learning things that are not-so-good, I am again divided on what to teach him here. I have started consistently repeating that he needs to be nice to his friends, not hurt them, share his things and such, but what also worries me is, that what should he do, if it is being done to him? I have had doubts about this earlier and still do. Possibly teaching him, never to be the first one to do it, or do it to kids who are not bothering him are the first step, but I wonder how often would a child remember what his mother told him at home, when he is out there with other kids playing. I do understand it is a part of growing up, possibly the first instance in his life, where he will learn the importance of selecting what he absorbs. And yet, he seems to be too young for it all.

Over the past few years, I have come to realise parenting is the biggest test in self-doubt. We end up second guessing ourselves at every step. Was this the right way to go or not, should I be doing things this way or another and the list is endless. At the end of the day, what really matters is that we try our best to impart the right values, or in the least, help the child develop his own value system. And I guess every trying step now, is just a way of reaching that ultimate goal. And there is no doubt that he is also learning nice things being with other kids, and that can never be discounted, just because of a few things learnt, which we don't quite like.

The BB is still at an age, where I can hug and hold him, and soothe away all his troubles. I cannot even express in words, the immense satisfaction it gives me, as a parent, but I also wonder about the times, when this will not be enough. I love being able to make his crying stop, the pain go away, the anger melt, by holding him close. And yet I already see things starting to change, where just a mumma-hug is no longer enough. How hard would it be to see my own child in pain and not being able to make it go away with just a cuddle, and some soft words in a few years from now? I just don't ever ever want to let go of this little mumma-magic I possess, that is so effective till now. And I know it will kill a little bit of me, when it stops working or when it stops being enough!

Somethings Never Change

2010-04-18T17:07:00.002+10:00

He loved it more than a year back, and still does. Wonder till when the obsession will last.

Don't Want In!

2010-04-16T12:52:00.002+10:00

Eons, of time ago, I used to have a 'career' or to be precise, I worked for money. It was corporate life, a nine to five routine, doing a task that neither excited nor captivated me. I slogged, like a donkey, doing something I did not really care about. It was fun, for a bit because I was fresh out of college, doing office, was a new and thrilling experience, and definitely earning my own money had a great thrill attached to it. But I think a year down the line, the newness wore off and the drudgery and stress began to set in. Five hours of daily travel in public transport, which involved, supremely packed local trains at rush hour, doing something that did not make me happy, in an environment that pretty much numbed my mind, and senses, left me with little joy, besides my paycheck.

Its been a long time now, I quit when I still had something left within to survive, and that was followed by motherhood, and it has been a long vacation ever since. But for a while now, I have been itching to get back to a working life, doing something that would be fulfilling and satisfying, I am feeling the need to get out, and add some more to my days. And while these thoughts are rumbling in my mind, I read a post by LiveOnImpulse, and it brings back to me all my corporate nightmares, vividly. And suddenly, my resolve to not go back into the crazy corporate jungle is strengthened yet again. Just as I was ready to just get on the bandwagon yet again, I remembered, exactly why I had left, and why I never can go back again. I am not suitable to work in on office, that is just the way I am. I connect with people as people, and I cannot spend most of my waking hours with some, who I can neither like, nor trust. Its a dog eat dog world out there, and being quite incapable of clever manipulations, I end up being all bitter, angry and frustrated. I was at work for just over three years, in an IT firm, as a fresher, and even then I can say, I saw it all. Groupism, male bonding, excessive bitching, young girls pretending to flirt to get a senior's favour, men trying to score with their female colleagues one way or another, cheap, dirty politics, using the communal angle to gain the boss' favour, ganging up against people, pretending to work, and ofcourse blatantly flattering and sweet talking the boss, using connections to get an ~~foreign~~ onsite posting, even blackmailing for the same. A great example of flattering the boss, was when a rather senior member of our team, ordered a cake for our project manager, to commemorate the day they found her lost passport in UK. All I could think was...... WOW! I cannot do it, I just cannot. I will move mountains for you, if I really bond and connect, but otherwise, I just cannot pretend. I can maintain professional relationships with people, but it has to be a two way thing, and that is the only way it works for me.

Coming back, reading the post brought back to me, a particular thing we worked for in our project, which probably became the bane of my corporate existence. I worked on a project that managed a billing software for a telecom giant. Now the client being an old company had various discount schemes in place, and wanted to simplify the process, by forming one simple discount scheme, that would be applicable to all its customers. It was called UDS (Unified Discount Scheme) or VDS (Volume Discount Scheme). The concept was simple enough, the more you spend, or commit to spend, the greater is your discount. And that is all it was. There were slabs(quite like the income tax ones) and depending on which slab the customer belonged to, his discount was calculated. I hope I have not lost anyone here, but to make it clearer, each of the telecom customers, had to commit to a certain amount, say x, that they would spend. Now based on where x, fit into the discount table, his discount percentage would be fixed too. Suppose the table gives 5% to anyone who spends upto 30, 7.5% to anyone who spends between 31 and 60 and 10% to anyone who spends above 60, so if x is 43, the discount for the customer would be 7.5%. That is all this scheme was about. I read about it the first time, and thought this is so straight forward and simple, and left it that. That possibly was my biggest mistake.

There were conference room meetings to explain this to the team every couple of days. I used to sit through them silent, because I did not think it complicated at all. But then at one point I started wondering if I was over simplifying something, that was actually not quite that easy. I went through the documents again, and they just reinforced my understanding of the scheme. But the way the rest of my colleagues pretended to be solving a very complex problem, it just left me surprised. I say pretended, because if I can understand it, it should be nothing to someone, who has been working in that field for over 13 years right? But that did not seem to be the case. The girl who had joined with me, F, joined the bandwagon, pretended to be all indepth into it, something that did not have much depth if you ask me, she was shifted to a more 'important' subgroup, I guess because she was so enthusiastic and committed. Some of my senior colleagues, came and praised her abilities and understanding to me, and I still remained dumb, because the thing still looked so damn simple to me, that I did not understand what was so difficult to understand in it, by trained professionals, what was the damn fuss all about? And it was then that I realised, that working in an office, is not just about doing your job, doing it well or efficiently, but a hell lot about showing, possibly showing, more than actually doing the work. I could not deal with it, more because it hurt to see a project manager, who had spent years in her job, not being able to distinguish between true efficiency and pretense of dedication. When we had started on our project, F and I were given the same work, I would finish mine in half a day, and she would take 2 days to do the same. And trust me it was basic simple testing work, nothing that needed loads of time. But completing the job well in time, did not get labeled as efficiency, instead staying late on the day of the deadline, and doing it was termed as dedication. And that kind of pretense is just not my cup of tea.

I had two options, if I planned to continue to work there, either to give up, join them, and do what they all did, or accept my fate, and learn to live with bitterness and disgust. Since I could not deal with either, and I was fortunate enough to have the option of doing it, I quit. And believe me the first few months after I left, I could feel my irritation, anger and bitterness gradually dissolving, restoring me to my former self. And that is one of the reasons, I never ever want to go back to corporate life, where I need to fight and compete, and my efficiency alone,is not good enough for me to make my mark. Ofcourse, IT is not really my cup of tea either, and I don't want to fill my days doing that either. And when these memories come back to me, I feel happy and content being at home, not fulfilling my day maybe, but atleast away from negative influence.

[This is in no way to demean IT professionals, who work really hard and well, and more importantly enjoy their work. I have many a friend in the field, I should know! And maybe not every office or group is this way. And it is my personality because of which I cannot deal with the situation in an assertive way, and I really admire all the people, who manage their careers positively without getting overwhelmed.]

Addendum - Would really like to know if you get the UDS/VDS concept or does it really seem complicated to anyone???

What's Not To Like?

2010-04-14T12:52:00.006+10:00

About a weekend, that brings in this.

Before anyone gets overwhelmed, all of it, is budget shopping, my favourite kind, to gear ourselves for the upcoming winters, since we have very little to keep ourselves warm in the outdoors. Lived in warm places the last few years, so never needed much, but its just autumn now, down here, and we are already feeling the chill! But whatever the reason, and whatever the merchandise, shopping always makes me happy. Yes, I am as shallow and materialistic as one gets.... and unfortunately have no shame admitting it. Still beaming with the weekend hangover, yes, that's me.

I Have A 'Partner'

2010-04-12T15:45:00.001+10:00

Its been a few weeks now, since I have been wondering about how certain things in Australia are in complete contrast to how it is in India. Small little things keep coming to me every now and then, about how diametrically opposite the two countries are in their social set up. I have neither lived here long enough, nor do I know enough people to know it all, and hence these are just my minimal observations, no absolutes, and definitely no judgments.

I was talking to one of the BB's carers at the day care centre he attends, when I went to drop him. She was talking to me and mentioned the GP as, 'your partner'. It took me a second to let it sink in. And there have been a few other occasions, when I was asked if I had a partner, or who is my partner and such like. When we were newly married, it used to take both the GP and me quite a bit of effort to use the words husband and wife, to talk about each other to others, but over seven years, that has kind of sunk in. Though I still prefer mentioning the GP by his name, instead of as 'my husband', but the 'husband' has infact become a familiar territory. And now it goes to partner. I can imagine in my head going back to India and mentioning to the GP as my 'partner' and getting the looks, and sniggers. (Just to mention, not everyone I know in India is open minded, liberated and ultra modern.) Infact back in India, if anyone mentioned someone as their partner, I would not really know what exactly to make of it. What I am still not clear about here, is whether, 'partner' is the general umbrella term for anyone who is a boyfriend/girlfriend/live-in-partner/husband, or is it just about someone one lives with. Whatever it is, I will need to now condition myself to accept the fact that I have a 'partner'!

Having grown up in India, in the era of Doordarshan, population control is ingrained in every cell of my being. Remember the seedy ads of Nirodh and Mala D? Pseudo intellectuals like me, thrive on the illusion of being 'educated' and aware of our birth control needs. People who go beyond the two child limit, set by the hum do hamaare do(Two of us and two of ours) slogan of the government agencies quite seem like nincompoops, who can only claim to be lame. And then there are financial constraints ofcourse, each child born would require donations for admissions from the around-the-corner playschool right up to their PhD degree if they wish to slog till then. That is what my mind is used to thinking as the way to be. And here I come to Australia, a land where the government pours in huge amounts of money in the hands of parents, each time they add to the population of the country. Pretty much every mother I meet here has three children or more, almost every time I see families out on weekends and holidays, they are with three or four kids. And it has yet to stop striking me as being in such stark contrast to urban India, where we usually have atleast one and in many cases two parents per child. Coming from a country which is bursting at seams, with the amount of people it has, to a country, that is desperately trying to increase its population, the difference would not be lost even on the blind.

One of the things I am loving here, is greeting or atleast smiling at people, we pass by, on the streets or parks, and even if its a male, my smiling at him does not mean anything more than a polite greeting. Its easier to just nod or smile, than to force my line of sight elsewhere, when another human being is in close proximity. I used to hate having to do that earlier, that or stony stares returned in the like, smiling at an unknown male was quite out of the question of course. A friend, who brought in his Indian bride here, was rather worried at how she would blend in, since she never smiled at unknown people, or even the people handling the cash counters at different stores, which is quite the norm around here. And the reason was simple enough, we don't really go around smiling at everyone back home, because its not taken well in the Indian social structure. And to change a habit held for close to three decades in a few months, is not a mean task. While a girl or woman smiling at random strangers maybe taken as a definition of bad character somewhere, not doing the same is perceived as being rude some place else.

The one thing I am desperately missing here though, is my favourite juice, the orange-carrot blend, without additives. Its crazy to see how every damn bottle/tetra-pack of juice that I pick up, has additives. The funniest was, one that boldly claimed 'no added sugar', and had sucrose in its ingredients. Even the ones without preservatives or sugar, have added vitamins and taste enhancers. There is virtually no option of buying additive-free juice. So even the possibly healthy drink option of a juice, is not quite that healthy, once you do look at the contents. If there is some place that sells, additive-free, plain and simple juice, I am still to find it. In fact, for the first time in my life, I have actually started looking at labels and the ingredients before buying the products.

And with each passing day, these little things are feeling a little less different to me, hopefully a sign that I am settling in. And yet it is quite impossible to not always be able to spot the difference, when I have grown up in society which varies so much in certain ways. I am making a new home here, but the one I have grown up in, will always hold a special place in my heart!

Nothing To Write

2010-04-09T10:07:00.003+10:00

Too Many Things On My Mind,
Yet, very little to do,
Blogging needs its own time,
The lack of which I rue.

The mind is confused,
My thoughts astray,
So what can I then write?
In my attempts to get inspired,
I end up with a more confused mind.

Its not that I have too much to do,
Nor that I am a busy bee,
But the mind is just not calm enough,
To get a post out of me.

At least I get to read the blogs,
Of those who have things to say.
And I feel thankful to the Lord,
That not every mind is rotting my way.

Energy Cleansing

2010-04-06T12:37:00.003+10:00

I believe very deeply in energies emanating from all living beings, what is also commonly referred to as vibes. I am sure everyone has felt it at some point of time or another in their life. Sometimes a being in a certain place or in the presence of a certain person, just fills one up with peace, calm, happiness and certain other places or people suddenly gives us the creeps, without any apparent reasons. Those are the kind of vibes I am talking about. I came across this wonderful article about clearing ourselves of negative energy, that may come our way, and thought I will share it with people who read my blog, and hopefully it can be used by you too. If you are interested in vibes or energies, you will see that various lines of thought, do meet and intersect at various points on this topic, like yoga, meditation, reiki, even ayurveda at points. There are commonalities in all of them, about the seat of energy in our bodies, what organs hold our negative energy etc. This article too, has a lot of things, that can be found to concur with other lines of thinking, and I t=really liked it, so I am representing the entire article here.

Let Go of Negative Energy: Easy Techniques to Help

(NaturalNews) Ever had a conversation or incident with someone that left you upset for a day or two? Maybe there's someone in your life, perhaps a boss or family member, that this happens with regularly? Energy is exchanged in conversation and in events, and if this happens, you've likely gotten a dose of bad energy. If this happens regularly with certain individuals, it's likely that they're accustomed to spreading it, and also that you're not sure how to let it go. Especially for the more sensitive among us, negative energy can sometimes be hard to let go.

Letting the energy dissipate on its own can sometimes take a day or two, but it's a real bummer when someone else's poor communication, lack of consciousness, or proneness to being emotionally triggered and verbally or otherwise attacking others affects us long after the moment the incident happened in. Fortunately, though, there are a few ways to expedite the removal of negative energy from us and shorten the amount of time it drags down our own consciousness.

One easy way is to simply brush it off. When people often offer this well intentioned advice, they aren't speaking literally - but here we are. Literally, take one hand and brush your arms, legs, head, and back. Understand that energy literally sits around us so wipe your body clean, like you were removing a layer of dust from your skin. You'll instantly feel better as the cloud of bad energy is brushed from your immediate surroundings. It's best to do this outside and ideally in nature. As the primary method, any other method should be used after this one.

Another technique is to shrug it off by shrugging your shoulders, literally. Energy, especially the energy of resentment, which is the feeling that someone has done something wrong to you, often sits in our shoulders - along our gallbladder meridian. By shrugging your shoulders up and down several times, you're helping that energy move and when it moves, it can be removed - instead of sitting stuck inside you.

Blowing it off is another technique that can help and again, literally. So breathe deeply and exhale quickly and forcefully through your mouth. This will help remove the poor energy from your internal environment.

Sea salt can also transmute negative energy. An easy solution is to combine a couple tablespoons of quality sea salt with a couple tablespoons of coconut or olive oil. Then, mix it with a cup of hot water to dissolve the sea salt and pour it slowly over your head and body in the shower. Massage it into your scalp and body for a few minutes to create your own at-home negative energy cleansing spa treatment. Afterward your skin will feel wonderful and the energy will be transmuted. Soaking in a bath with a cup of sea salt is also a nice way to relax while releasing bad energy.

As with many problems in the body, deep body cleansing can help too. This is especially true, if you're the one who's spreading the negative energy because it's likely you're holding quite a bit inside - and it often stays stuck and held in place by toxicity. Colon and liver cleansing are particularly helpful because stuck emotions often reside in the colon, and a toxic liver easily feels anger. In fact, if your liver is clean, it's difficult to feel anger on any sort of regular basis. However, stuck emotions that trigger us or drag down our consciousness can be anywhere in the body and if this is the case, deeper cleansing will be needed to remove them.

The Romance Of A Lifetime

2010-04-02T09:04:00.000+10:00

I love writing. Writing on paper, just about anything. When I was in junior school, I would just pick up a magazine or a book, and start copying the text on a notebook, on the pretext of improving my handwriting, but actually just enjoying writing. Just the feeling of running my writing instrument over a piece of paper, gives me a feeling of amazing calm and sometimes even an inherent feeling of happiness of some sort. I love writing, the old fashioned way.

The world today though is a world of electronic writing. Its all typed on our computers, and stored, writing on paper, is time consuming, and wastes precious resources as well, we are meant to believe. And without a doubt, the electronic media, gives us greater reach. Blogging cannot happen on paper can it? But that does not mean I don't miss having a legitimate excuse to write on paper. And the sad bit is that with the blitzkrieg of alternative forms of writing, the tools for old-fashioned writing have started to dwindle. And I miss them.

I have a big weakness for stationary, and it has taken me tremendous self control, to actually stop buying some each time, I see it. But of late, I have hardly seen anything that tempts me. I remember when I was in college, a visit to the stationary store would never be complete without atleast one pen purchase. The shopkeeper knew my room-mate and me so well within our first year, that he would always show us the new pens which had arrived, and have the test writing pad out, for us to try it, and pick a new one, or one of our regular favourites. I just loved pens, and the Mitsubishi ball point, the Reynolds Jetter and Reynolds Fine, were my regular favourites. My criteria when selecting a pen, is a fine nib. I am no fan of 'bold' writing, nor of fat, blunt nibs. I like my nibs to be fine and precise, and that was the main reason that these were my favourite pens, besides of course the fact that the price suited my pocket beautifully. The 'jetter' happened to be quite a precious possession in those days prices at Rs.18.

The images have been picked from their official website.(http://reynolds-india.com and http://www.uniball.com.au/ballpoint_range.html)

My favourite though is a classic fountain pen. I love filling ink in my pen from a bottle, and writing with it, somehow, feels very grand and classy. And I believe it is also a lot more environment friendly than using up huge amounts of plastic for the ball points and gel pens, where often there is no option to even replace the refill, and the pen simply needs to be discarded as a whole.College, required loads of writing, and high speed at that, so the ball points were favoured heavily over the fountain pens, but my love for them never really ebbed. Back in the era, when I first started writing with a pen, in school, it was compulsory to use ink-pens, and I think my fascination began right then. I remember spending hours washing my pens in warm water, cleaning them with a brush, sourcing syringes and needles to re-fill the cartridges, of the pens that could only be used with cartridges. It was something I loved doing. I even had a pen than had once belonged to my long deceased grandfather, and a Sheaffer at that. I adored that pen. But somehow its been a while now, since I have used an ink pen, and I cannot even find my favourite ball points here. So I ended up stocking on a pile of cheap thick nibbed, disposable pens, for use around the house, when I got here, but was rather unhappy about it.

So I started searching for reasonably priced fountain pens, from all my online research, the stores that seemed to be selling them, had only very high end ones, with prices in the region of $100, as a start. I was surprised, and saddened to know, that fountain pens seemed to have become a thing for connoisseurs only now. Students here, are not required to write with ink-pens when they receive their pen licence and are permitted to shift to a pen from a pencil, and that possibly is the main reason that fountain pens cannot be easily sourced around here. And I kept looking till, I found a store that sells mini-fountain pens really cheap at $1.75. Was I over joyed or what? I promptly walked up to the store and bought myself two. They did not sell the cartridges, and had only a cartridge each, in the pens, to start me off, and I was to buy the cartridges from elsewhere. And it is then that I realised that those plastic contraptions called ball-points and gel pens have so taken over the world, that it is almost impossible to find ink or cartridges. It took me a few weeks of asking around to find a store which sold them, and even with them, I had to place an order, so that they can source the thing for me. Its close to impossible to get myself a syringe and a needle here, so the cartridges cannot be recycled, and that leaves me with the option of going through the lengthy and expensive procedure of buying cartridges. But whatever it is, I am loving writing with the fountain pens, mini as they maybe.

My latest precious possessions, using them frequently maybe an expensive affair however.

I believe that fountain pens are more environment friendly, and they have a sense of romance and class about them. It would be great to encourage kids to take it up, and make them the preferred writing tools. I would hate to see them become obsolete, or antiquated technology visible only in museums.

Honesty - My Journey, My Way

2010-03-31T14:48:00.000+10:00

Honesty is a value I hold above most others, in life. If you have been reading my blog, you know that it is in fact very important to me. But the interpretation of honesty has changed drastically for me, over the years. And I believe it is still evolving, though I would say I am in a happy place with my interpretation of it right now.

I was not a particularly honest child, when I look back. There was a lot of lying to save my hide from whipping as a kid. Lied through my teeth about test scores, getting in trouble in school, or anything at all that could get me into trouble with my parents or teachers. I don't think honesty as a concept meant anything to me, as a child, all I cared about, was to not get into trouble with elders. Hiding bad test results, tops the list ofcourse, and the number of stories I invented, I think I deserve some award for that! I have many funny tales to tell about those years now, hopefully someday to my grand-kids.

Then as a teenager, especially during the college years, it seems honesty came to mean, saying just about anything I thought or felt. It was all about speaking the truth. There was no stopping, no controlling, no censoring, what ever was spoken, had to be the truth. If a friend tried on a new body spray, that I did not particularly like and asked me how it smelled, prompt was the reply, "Yuck!". The fact that she felt bad, and I obviously knew that she did, did not make much of a difference. No filter was in place. being brazen was equated to honesty. It happened with me, and most of my friends, besides the few very sensible and matured ones. Though we knew, that giving an honest opinion or account of something may cause hurt or pain to someone, we dished it out anyways, because that was being outrageously honest! Honesty somehow was defined by being rude, it basically meant being able to dish out the ugly truth, no filters. I don't know if it was teenage arrogance, or if it hits everyone, but it definitely took a strong hold of me. While honesty in itself is a wonderful thing, but what I had then, does not seem nice to me today. Honesty cannot be a great thing, if it hurts can it? While the rest of the honesty bit seemed to be on track, but it was the blurting out of the unpleasant, without a thought, that marked 'honesty' back then. And that is what I distinctly remember as 'my honesty' in those times.

During the teenage years and for years into my twenties, my honesty was also defined as being an open book to everyone. Honesty equaled having no secrets in my books in those years. It had been true for most of my life, but these years were marked by the the nothing-to-hide attitude. It seemed like the whole world needed to be aware of every detail of my life, and that meant I was honest(huh??? Even I cannot get the logic of it now). This included defending my choices, explaining them in depth and more, to people who could not care less, and who did not need to know. But the foolish me equated that to being honest, and that is way it was.

And now, just a few days back, while chatting with a very dear friend, I realised, where my honesty really lay, and how calming this kind of honesty is. We were discussing something, and she pointed out very honestly that she felt I was being overly affected, and critical of something. It was completely honest, it was her clear and true opinion. And yet, she added, that she was just being bluntly honest, without any diplomacy, and she hoped I did not mind it. It did not really matter, since we are quite close. But those words mattered, because it showed that she cared, and that she did not want me to hurt, even slightly. And it is the fact that she cared about my feelings, more than just putting her honest opinion across, that ensures that our bonding remains. And that today defines honesty for me, truth that has meaning, and is pleasing. I don't need to be dishonest, all I need to do is care. Care about the feelings of others, and be honest in a way, that is truthful, but not hurtful. My honesty is not defined by aggression, nor is being genuine equated with having my life published for public consumption. I am honest but no longer brazen, candid, but not transparent. Honesty is now, what spreads happiness, and never ever hurts. It is what is honest in deed, more than words, and the act which is done with purity of heart and an honest purpose in mind. And I love honesty, the way I understand it now.

The First Proposal

2010-03-30T09:38:00.005+10:00

I Love You

Pops out from the lips of the BB, when he met Aadya this Sunday. I was surprised, as was the GP, to hear him say that, all on his own. He said it, the moment he saw her, without any pleas or requests.We our heart out to him, at home, and he never ever says it to us, but he sees the pretty girl, and the words come tumbling out. Showing us the way for things to come I guess. It was not a planned meeting, but just bumping into each other while shopping, and the reaction was so instantaneous. The boy surely knows what to do and when. This officially becomes his first proposal isn't it? And it is the little Aadya's birthday today, and hence I waited to post this today. Do hop over and wish her.

Sunday we had gone meat and fish shopping, when he spotted a sweat shirt he liked. When I finally agreed to buy it, of the two colours, lavender and pink that were available, the BB picked up the bright pink. The boy has a huge fascination for pink, that is the colour he always insists on when he paints too. I like it. Also he completed his art-class term, and I decided to not enroll him for the next term, because he is more a free-style artist, and the pre-decided projects in a small slot of time, just meant that I had to be doing most of the work, while he tried to grab more of the paint or glitter. For now, its going to be poster paints, brushes and his drawing book at home. But on Saturday, we went there to pick up the things he had done in the few classes he attended this term. We also had the BB's face painted for the first time, since it was open day at the art-factory. He had a tiger-face. And that was fun, since we went to the park and some more, with the paint on his face. And did I say, he looked super cute, unfortunately our 'big' cameras were not with us, and all the photos were clicked through the GP's and my mobile.

The Easter basket is what 'he' made in the last session. And the chicks too.

Connected Or Stressed?

2010-03-26T23:05:00.000+10:00

Every now and then, I wonder, with the boom of social networking sites, the e-mail revolution, job sites and more, is it possible for anyone to really disconnect any more? There was a time, about a decade or so back, when e-mail was a novelty, atleast to the likes of me, when letters were written with the precious effort needed to glide a pen over paper in various shapes, envelopes, stamps, postcards, inland letters and such were laboriously sourced from the closest post office, and then written letters were actually dropped into a letter-box, and we hoped and prayed the letter would be delivered at the desired destination. Ofcourse those were also the days that a single 'speed post' from Bombay to Delhi would take over 7 days for delivery. And yet, they were nicer, simpler, easier days. Atleast that is what I think.

I cannot live without a cell phone now, I know it. Well, technically and medically I will be alive, but not practically. I don't think I remember a single phone number verbatim, its so easy to just go to the contacts list and dial, and all numbers are so conveniently stored there. And my new phone has provision for over ten numbers per person, there are various categories of mobile phones, landlines and such. While it does make life convenient, I also think it makes me extremely dependent. If I am in an emergency situation, where my phone is dead, I will be unable to contact anyone, simply because I don't know their number, even though I maybe calling them up every other day. I cannot even term it as funny. Worse still is the fact that one can never be alone, or in peace. The mobile usually ends up becoming a physical appendage to most owners, glued to their bodies at all times, and making them available to answer calls at all times of the day or night. I still remember the absolutely abhorred, calls advertising some scheme/product/card I used to get on my phone almost each evening, just as the local would draw into my station, and I would be ready to battle to get my foothold into the ladies compartment. All tensed and ready, the phone would be heard ringing, not knowing who it is, I would dive into my bag, find it, and the caller would be advertising some godforsaken thing, and by the time this happened, the compartment was packed, and I would wait another 15-20 minutes for the next train to come. So basically one with a mobile phone is never alone, unless you step deep into the jungle, or places that have now come be to defined as 'no network coverage zones'. One could ofcourse switch off the mobile, but even the mention of such a proposition would lead to a multitude of horrific gasps, because we can no longer imaging being 'unreachable', that I think has become the new 'untouchable'! Our cell phones are there with us during work, play, sleep, vacations, travel and even during potty-time.

E-mails brought in a revolution like none other. Post offices started closing down, because their services were no longer required, e-mails meant instant connectivity, no more waiting for the intended receiver to receive the post, this was all instantaneous, just like the lightening speed world needed. Being in communication with people overseas, was no longer about expensive calls, or huge amount of stamps, it was just about a practically free e-mail. How simple is that? Even offices no longer required things on paper, just an e-mail was enough, to confirm a tender, an employment, a resignation, a report, an appraisal, pretty much everything. On the social front, the mails led on to chats, which expanded into audio and then video, and then came in social networking sites. So may things, so many ways to be networked, connected, in-touch. So addicted are we, that vacations are no longer vacations, vacations translate into more relaxed time to do leisure networking, and we cannot think of being without our mobile, Internet connection or laptop. And with the easy connectivity, somewhere I believe the quality of our communications have fallen. Why bother with actually composing a new e-mail, when a simply scrap or wall-message would do? We end up sending a private messages on public forums, just because its easier, and for all the claims of making life easier, somewhere it just takes away from our commitments and efforts at maintaining and respecting our relationships. Having over a hundred friends on facebook, I think there are barely fifteen or twenty of those, I do actually count as friends, the rest don't matter to me, and nor do I to them.

And yet I am glued, as are many of you. Checking mails at all times, the twitter updates, or the blog comments, the facebook feeds. I think I am more stressed for all these reasons than relaxed. It makes my life more jumbled and confused, it is obviously taking its toll on my poor eyes, and the mind which can never ever just simply shut itself down, because I don't let it. So what is the point in all this? I can access a lot more information more conveniently than before, and it can be a huge blessing, as I have learnt from pregnancy and new-mum days. And yet the stress, the over connectedness, the lack of being able to be completely free, it gets to me too. At the end of the day, I am not sure if all these amazing revolutions have actually improved the quality of our lives or just given us more to handle on our platter, leaving us more stressed than before.

I Am All Awed

2010-03-25T16:48:00.002+10:00

While the world talks, and chatters, she goes ahead and does it. She did it before the Angelina Jolies of the world, even thought about it, she is possibly still the only high-profile single Indian woman to have ever done it, and now she just goes ahead and does it a second time. She adopter her second ~~girl child~~ daughter. Sushmita Sen, you may lover her or you may hate her, but no one can deny, the lady lives her life to the fullest. She does what she wants to do, caring two hoots about what the rest of the world has to say. Just wanted to record my vote of admiration and appreciation here, on going ahead and doing what her heart tells her to.