This is not a post, atleast not a decent one. This is just a little note, to say hi to all the usual readers and friends, wishing them a very very good New Year, and hoping they had a nice Christmas too. I am finally in my new home, its lovely, but I have a long long way to go in settling in, it takes a while to feel at home in a new home isn't it? I have loads to share, about the last few days in India, the journey( which was not so nice, since the BB did not take all the long hours of flying too well.) and then ofcourse the experience it has been since I got here, where all shops close at 5pm and the sun sets way past 8pm, the temperature is 40+ one day and down to 17 the very next. Taking it all in and trying to feel at home, is what I am doing right now. I don't really know when, right now, so will not make any false promises here, but I will be back to blogging.
PS - Replying to comments is pending, and I will do that too, just not right now. Thanks everyone, who had lovely things to say on the last post and for everyone who wished the BB to get well.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Why Do We Hesitate?
There is just one friend I have, in this whole wide world, with whom I can talk about my spiritual beliefs, without a second thought. Anywhere else, and I would have to keep interjecting the flow with things like, maybe you would find this strange or I don't know if you believe in this and similair expressions or better still, never mention anything at all. And it is not just me, but most other people too, who become very conscious while talking about such things. And I wonder why.
The determinedly religious people, have a lot to say, the followers of rituals, openly flaunt their status, the ones with scant belief in any higher power, vehemently say so, but the ones who believe in spirituality, energies, vibrations, are the ones who are almost always apologetic about having their say, inspite of having firm belief in their thinking. I pretty much never talk about what I think, and though they form a strong part of who I am, these beliefs pretty much never appear in this space. And besides that one friend and the DH, there is no one I openly discuss these matters with. The more I think about it, the more I believe that I don't do it, because I don't want to explain my beliefs to people, and especially to ones. with a diametrically opposite line of thought, more so, because religion and spirituality are very close to the heart of most people who have any kind of faith or belief in such things, and arguing about it is just pointless. The second reason being that my beliefs are not tangible, and hence the fear of being ridiculed, holds me back, the fear of being branded a loony.
I realised this reason very very recently, when I met an old neighbour, who has recently become involved with a spiritual mission, which has a modern world guru and is working in-depth in serving mankind and leading a good life. People who make such activities an active part of their life, are highly motivated, and are likely to talk about the higher goals of life at most times. As she started talking about her experiences, positive vibrations, a new lifestyle, she at once said. "You may think I am crazy, but...", and she continued. And I realised that indeed, the fear of being thought of as someone who is nuts, is part of the reason, I never freely talk about my views or beliefs. I was very very impressed by all that she had to say, mainly because it appealed to my logical mind and spiritual beliefs. Another person who was present there on the other hand, later, indeed commented, saying she felt the lady has become too religious and has nothing else left in her life. I on the other hand admired her immense motivation to stay put on that path to enlightenment, inspite of living in society and completely understood her desire to spread the word around.
I still am not going to start talking about what I think, because my thinking is neither evolved enough to be spread around, nor am I over my barriers yet. But I just wanted to wonder about why we hesitate, or do you guys never, or is it just something that is not quite up there in the priority of things? I don't know whether there are signs, I am not smart enough to spot them yet, but there seems to be a strong force pushing me towards opening up to my spirituality, and being more active about that part of life. My old neighbour, a new reality show on television about past lives, my many health issues which seem to have very little medical explanations, and many such things. But I somehow wonder if I can go that way, living the life I currently do. I hope that someday when the BB is grown up enough, I am able to give up the pleasures and attractions of this world and head to attain my spiritual goal. I said that to someone, and I was called crazy on the face, and that it is impossible to ever cut off the worldly ties. I don't know, whether I can ever indeed, head out and become an ascetic, or if I can indeed work towards a higher spiritual plane, but what I do know is that right now, there are way too many things talking to me, telling me that I need to work harder towards it, and I know if I don't do it, the calling will pass, and I will go back into my life with its cycle of wants-needs-desires-attachments-disappointments-hate-frustration-anger even deeper. And yet I know, this point in life is not where I can break away or step out, but is the point where I can try and work harder towards becoming a better person, so that I can influence the BB in a positive way too.
This post maybe quite incoherent, and terribly written, my thoughts itself are not perfectly clear at this point in time, and I believe this post reflects just that.
The determinedly religious people, have a lot to say, the followers of rituals, openly flaunt their status, the ones with scant belief in any higher power, vehemently say so, but the ones who believe in spirituality, energies, vibrations, are the ones who are almost always apologetic about having their say, inspite of having firm belief in their thinking. I pretty much never talk about what I think, and though they form a strong part of who I am, these beliefs pretty much never appear in this space. And besides that one friend and the DH, there is no one I openly discuss these matters with. The more I think about it, the more I believe that I don't do it, because I don't want to explain my beliefs to people, and especially to ones. with a diametrically opposite line of thought, more so, because religion and spirituality are very close to the heart of most people who have any kind of faith or belief in such things, and arguing about it is just pointless. The second reason being that my beliefs are not tangible, and hence the fear of being ridiculed, holds me back, the fear of being branded a loony.
I realised this reason very very recently, when I met an old neighbour, who has recently become involved with a spiritual mission, which has a modern world guru and is working in-depth in serving mankind and leading a good life. People who make such activities an active part of their life, are highly motivated, and are likely to talk about the higher goals of life at most times. As she started talking about her experiences, positive vibrations, a new lifestyle, she at once said. "You may think I am crazy, but...", and she continued. And I realised that indeed, the fear of being thought of as someone who is nuts, is part of the reason, I never freely talk about my views or beliefs. I was very very impressed by all that she had to say, mainly because it appealed to my logical mind and spiritual beliefs. Another person who was present there on the other hand, later, indeed commented, saying she felt the lady has become too religious and has nothing else left in her life. I on the other hand admired her immense motivation to stay put on that path to enlightenment, inspite of living in society and completely understood her desire to spread the word around.
I still am not going to start talking about what I think, because my thinking is neither evolved enough to be spread around, nor am I over my barriers yet. But I just wanted to wonder about why we hesitate, or do you guys never, or is it just something that is not quite up there in the priority of things? I don't know whether there are signs, I am not smart enough to spot them yet, but there seems to be a strong force pushing me towards opening up to my spirituality, and being more active about that part of life. My old neighbour, a new reality show on television about past lives, my many health issues which seem to have very little medical explanations, and many such things. But I somehow wonder if I can go that way, living the life I currently do. I hope that someday when the BB is grown up enough, I am able to give up the pleasures and attractions of this world and head to attain my spiritual goal. I said that to someone, and I was called crazy on the face, and that it is impossible to ever cut off the worldly ties. I don't know, whether I can ever indeed, head out and become an ascetic, or if I can indeed work towards a higher spiritual plane, but what I do know is that right now, there are way too many things talking to me, telling me that I need to work harder towards it, and I know if I don't do it, the calling will pass, and I will go back into my life with its cycle of wants-needs-desires-attachments-disappointments-hate-frustration-anger even deeper. And yet I know, this point in life is not where I can break away or step out, but is the point where I can try and work harder towards becoming a better person, so that I can influence the BB in a positive way too.
This post maybe quite incoherent, and terribly written, my thoughts itself are not perfectly clear at this point in time, and I believe this post reflects just that.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
A BIG Thank You And Some Shock....
This is a quick short post, to thank all of you, who sent their prayers and wishes for the BB, namely M4, Sraboney, Shrutzz, Silvara, Rakesh, DIC, Swapna, Pixie, Nancy and D.Thanks a lot for your wishes people, you prayers and wishes mean a LOT to me, and the BB is doing a lot better now. I am keeping my fingers crossed about him being well enough and fit to travel.
On a separate note, please head over to Roop's blog and get dismayed at the heights of plagiarism which takes place. A photo from her wedding, she had put up on her blog, has been used by a magazine without her knowledge or permission. So what does that tell us, don't share your pics? After the many many other cases of violations of cyberworld copyrights, this is one more. It is just getting worse, and we need to stand together and fight this kins of theft.
On a separate note, please head over to Roop's blog and get dismayed at the heights of plagiarism which takes place. A photo from her wedding, she had put up on her blog, has been used by a magazine without her knowledge or permission. So what does that tell us, don't share your pics? After the many many other cases of violations of cyberworld copyrights, this is one more. It is just getting worse, and we need to stand together and fight this kins of theft.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Ill At Grandma's
OK, so the BB is not doing too well. He resents his medicines strongly and absolutely denies having them without vehement protests. I hated those syrupy things doctors prescribed for me, when I was a kid, so I quite sympathise with his situation, but I also need to see him healthy, happy and at present, most importantly, fit to travel. So that means a huge amount of restraining and forcing goes on each time a dose of medicine has to be administered. And no matter, what, the final decision on whether to ingest the unpalatable syrups or not, lies with him, and he promptly spits out whatever is forced into his mouth. The process has left me with bitten-off fingers, and a very very resentful mother-in-law, who would continue to delude herself into believing that anything that makes her precious grandchild cry, is paramount to criminal behaviour. The fact that she holds down the BB at these times only after millions of my helpless pleas, is something to be grateful about in itself.
Considering the extent of the the BB's infection and symptoms, he was prescribed four different medicines, and strong ones at that, since I was scheduled to travel the very next day. The symptoms subsided, the desire to avoid medicines remained just as strong in the BB, I gave in and almost stopped his medication. I am weak willed that way, and not having the GP around, makes me more so. So what do you think happened? The symptoms made a grand comeback today, and I got shivers when his temperature began to spike. So hurried calls were made to the pediatrician. He prescribed a different antibiotic, and I scheduled an appointment with him tomorrow morning. And yes, I swear by my life that I will continue the medicines, for as long as scheduled this time, no exceptions.
And in the meantime, loads have happened for the BB's illness management, that could only happen here, at his Gamma's place. There has been intense praying, blessings, smearing his forehead with all kinds of holy things like oil, ash and some more. I cannot help but be touched by the fervor with which these gestures are carried out. A family friend went and prayed to Mother Mary, and placed on her feet with requests of making the BB fit and fine. the BB's other grandmother, has been praying at her end, with all kinds of offerings to her Guru ji. And then there has been all kinds of nazar utaarna. For the uninitiated, those are preventive methods, used to remove any kind of negative emotions from others, that might have affected the person, usually a child. Besides all the other types done, today evening, there was a small ceremony, which involved burning coconut shells and some more. People may or may not believe in the effectiveness of these methods, some laugh it off, while many others swear by it and some like me, never believe in it, till they become parents themselves, and then everything becomes plausible, as long as it keeps the precious child safe. But whatever, I am so very touched by the amount of efforts being taken, and all the people involved in it. The BB may not remember the events that have taken place lately, but I am sure the affection which is felt for him, will remain with him forever.
And though the GP is not here, it is tough to manage an ill BB in his absence, especially when the medicines need to be given, I am overwhelmed by the efforts being taken to ensure his speedy recovery, by so many many people.
And for the non-believers, here is an article I found which talks about how the organs in our body are associated with particular emotions, and how negative emotions may remain trapped in the associated organ, and harm the entire body. Though not the perfect fit to what I wrote about in this post, it does give some truth to the connection between mind(emotions) and body.
Considering the extent of the the BB's infection and symptoms, he was prescribed four different medicines, and strong ones at that, since I was scheduled to travel the very next day. The symptoms subsided, the desire to avoid medicines remained just as strong in the BB, I gave in and almost stopped his medication. I am weak willed that way, and not having the GP around, makes me more so. So what do you think happened? The symptoms made a grand comeback today, and I got shivers when his temperature began to spike. So hurried calls were made to the pediatrician. He prescribed a different antibiotic, and I scheduled an appointment with him tomorrow morning. And yes, I swear by my life that I will continue the medicines, for as long as scheduled this time, no exceptions.
And in the meantime, loads have happened for the BB's illness management, that could only happen here, at his Gamma's place. There has been intense praying, blessings, smearing his forehead with all kinds of holy things like oil, ash and some more. I cannot help but be touched by the fervor with which these gestures are carried out. A family friend went and prayed to Mother Mary, and placed on her feet with requests of making the BB fit and fine. the BB's other grandmother, has been praying at her end, with all kinds of offerings to her Guru ji. And then there has been all kinds of nazar utaarna. For the uninitiated, those are preventive methods, used to remove any kind of negative emotions from others, that might have affected the person, usually a child. Besides all the other types done, today evening, there was a small ceremony, which involved burning coconut shells and some more. People may or may not believe in the effectiveness of these methods, some laugh it off, while many others swear by it and some like me, never believe in it, till they become parents themselves, and then everything becomes plausible, as long as it keeps the precious child safe. But whatever, I am so very touched by the amount of efforts being taken, and all the people involved in it. The BB may not remember the events that have taken place lately, but I am sure the affection which is felt for him, will remain with him forever.
And though the GP is not here, it is tough to manage an ill BB in his absence, especially when the medicines need to be given, I am overwhelmed by the efforts being taken to ensure his speedy recovery, by so many many people.
And for the non-believers, here is an article I found which talks about how the organs in our body are associated with particular emotions, and how negative emotions may remain trapped in the associated organ, and harm the entire body. Though not the perfect fit to what I wrote about in this post, it does give some truth to the connection between mind(emotions) and body.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
The Single Parent Chapter
Its just not nice, not at all, when the husband is miles away and the child falls ill. As parents, the DH and I completely freak out each time the BB is seriously ill. Anytime he has fever, we are up all the time, and pretending to be all nonchalant about it to each other. But we basically are pair of nutcases till he gets well.
So here I was, all ready to fly out on Thursday night, and the BB promptly falls ill on Wednesday evening. I rush to the pediatrician (thank God, because he is my most favourite and reliable pediatrician), a list of medicines are given, to get the fever down, stop the vomiting and more. I was totally freaking out, and going nuts in my head. What followed was nightmarish night, with continual vomiting, high temperatures and no food. Had to get a special medicine from the hospital in the middle of the night, that finally got the temperature under control. The next morning, the vomiting was still on, and we had to go to the hospital and get the BB a shot to stop the vomiting, so that he could ingest some food, and then some medicines. i never anticipated needing to inject medicines into him at such an early age, but that just goes on to show, that we are never really prepared for everything that may come our way. A night without sleep, loads of stress, and the BB just not settling in, it was not easy. And I have never quite missed the DH as much as I did that night.
While battling this, I was also trying to reschedule my flight, and having booked it through an online portal, it was not an easy task, it took me marathon phone sessions to finally have new tickets issued to me, about five hours before my original flight was scheduled to take off. It was a to-hell-and-back kind of experience, and I don't know how I survived through it. But fortunately I did! The tickets were re-scheduled, the BB has been without fever for over 24 hours now, and I am breathing easy. It has been worse for the GP, since all he has is news that I am passing on to him, and he cannot see the BB for himself. Yes, we are quite overly sensitive parents that way. A sick child leaves us more anxious and stressed than anything else, and I have read enough mommy-blogs to know, that is exactly how most other parents go.
But this entire experience makes me realise just how tough it is to be a single parent, to not have that another equally responsible adult by your side to care for your child, especially when the child is unwell. I really admire the parents who do all of this alone, and balance a job too. Its just too much to handle for mere mortals like me. And I know that I definitely never ever want to go through this again, not alone.
The stay in India is now extended by a few more days. The mother-in-law, I think has added quite a few new grey hair to her collection, by this, now seemingly infinitely long stay, with the added excitement of the BB falling ill. I am quite sure, the way we are driving her crazy, she will surely let the champagne flow, when we finally fly out. Then there is me too, eagerly waiting to be in my own home now, after being like a nomad for over a month now. But then I also believe that destiny always has its own plans, and there must be some real good reason why I could not fly out on the 10th like it had been planned. I am getting into this very spiritual bent of mind these days, and am getting more and more convinced about what a sham this world really is, and how I am wasting my time, living the way I do. Had it not been for the BB, I might gone the ascetic way by now. The divine scheme of things is what I believe made me re-schedule my trip and I am sure its all for the best.
So here I was, all ready to fly out on Thursday night, and the BB promptly falls ill on Wednesday evening. I rush to the pediatrician (thank God, because he is my most favourite and reliable pediatrician), a list of medicines are given, to get the fever down, stop the vomiting and more. I was totally freaking out, and going nuts in my head. What followed was nightmarish night, with continual vomiting, high temperatures and no food. Had to get a special medicine from the hospital in the middle of the night, that finally got the temperature under control. The next morning, the vomiting was still on, and we had to go to the hospital and get the BB a shot to stop the vomiting, so that he could ingest some food, and then some medicines. i never anticipated needing to inject medicines into him at such an early age, but that just goes on to show, that we are never really prepared for everything that may come our way. A night without sleep, loads of stress, and the BB just not settling in, it was not easy. And I have never quite missed the DH as much as I did that night.
While battling this, I was also trying to reschedule my flight, and having booked it through an online portal, it was not an easy task, it took me marathon phone sessions to finally have new tickets issued to me, about five hours before my original flight was scheduled to take off. It was a to-hell-and-back kind of experience, and I don't know how I survived through it. But fortunately I did! The tickets were re-scheduled, the BB has been without fever for over 24 hours now, and I am breathing easy. It has been worse for the GP, since all he has is news that I am passing on to him, and he cannot see the BB for himself. Yes, we are quite overly sensitive parents that way. A sick child leaves us more anxious and stressed than anything else, and I have read enough mommy-blogs to know, that is exactly how most other parents go.
But this entire experience makes me realise just how tough it is to be a single parent, to not have that another equally responsible adult by your side to care for your child, especially when the child is unwell. I really admire the parents who do all of this alone, and balance a job too. Its just too much to handle for mere mortals like me. And I know that I definitely never ever want to go through this again, not alone.
The stay in India is now extended by a few more days. The mother-in-law, I think has added quite a few new grey hair to her collection, by this, now seemingly infinitely long stay, with the added excitement of the BB falling ill. I am quite sure, the way we are driving her crazy, she will surely let the champagne flow, when we finally fly out. Then there is me too, eagerly waiting to be in my own home now, after being like a nomad for over a month now. But then I also believe that destiny always has its own plans, and there must be some real good reason why I could not fly out on the 10th like it had been planned. I am getting into this very spiritual bent of mind these days, and am getting more and more convinced about what a sham this world really is, and how I am wasting my time, living the way I do. Had it not been for the BB, I might gone the ascetic way by now. The divine scheme of things is what I believe made me re-schedule my trip and I am sure its all for the best.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Did I Miss The Memo?
..... which said slips have gone out of style? Just wondering, because I see way too many women with way too transparent clothes, without any decent innerwear these days. From the sheerest of of gorgettes, to the leanest of linen is what I see used as tops with just the bra underneath. Transparency somehow just looks sluttish, atleast to me, an open cleavage, or a high hemline is much preferred for a sexy look. I am no fashion guru, but to me, see-through is just trashy, not stylish. Or maybe I am too old-fashioned and out of touch with modern civilisation, but I still think I have missed a link somewhere, because not too long ago, I think women wore a lot more inner wear than they do now.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Kabhi Happy Kabhi Nahin
Yes, and big time. Three days, and we will be off to join the DH, down under braving a terribly long journey, in cramped leg space. I can either be all cheerful and excited about it, or completely anxious and gloomy. At present I am like a pendulum swinging between the two extremes, and hoping to be more in control of my emotions by the time I actually get there. Taming baggage weight is a skill I still have not acquired, so I am struggling with it, and am pretty sure will have to beg the airlines to be a little lenient with me, how lenient though, I don't exactly know right now. I am the last person to throw things out, so cutting back on goods is one of the toughest things for me to do. I am trying hard, and very hard none the less.
While it is an exciting prospect, moving to a new place, starting afresh, which would also mean loads of shopping, the practical aspects of it leave me with a creased eyebrow way to often. It is easier to manage these things as a couple, but when there is a child to take care of, I need everything to be in place. But then again the BB is a bit grown up now, so maybe he can manage some changes, and everything will work out just fine.
The thing that most worries me, is making a new home mine. That is a long process, to fill a home with our presence, and make it our own, and though it does not happen suddenly, the gradual process takes a while, but I think that is the most important indicator of how settled one feels. There are way too many worries in hand, just trying to keep the happy, excited, positive bit of me afloat, so that things get a bit easier.
The last few days here have also started tugging at my heartstrings now, and I know I will miss India almost as soon as I leave it. And so all I am chanting to myself now is stay strong.
While it is an exciting prospect, moving to a new place, starting afresh, which would also mean loads of shopping, the practical aspects of it leave me with a creased eyebrow way to often. It is easier to manage these things as a couple, but when there is a child to take care of, I need everything to be in place. But then again the BB is a bit grown up now, so maybe he can manage some changes, and everything will work out just fine.
The thing that most worries me, is making a new home mine. That is a long process, to fill a home with our presence, and make it our own, and though it does not happen suddenly, the gradual process takes a while, but I think that is the most important indicator of how settled one feels. There are way too many worries in hand, just trying to keep the happy, excited, positive bit of me afloat, so that things get a bit easier.
The last few days here have also started tugging at my heartstrings now, and I know I will miss India almost as soon as I leave it. And so all I am chanting to myself now is stay strong.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Single Ya Double?
How do you like to live your life? Being single and free to mingle, or much married/into a relationship, a cosy twosome? What appeals to you, being where you are, or does the other side of the fence look much greener?
Its been a while now, since I have been wondering about how I like it, being a married, family woman that I am, or would I have preferred being single, playing the field (as if!!) and doing exactly what I want to do, whenever and wherever. Loads of my friends from school and college, are still unmarried and even unattached to anyone in particular. Their photo albums on social networking sites are full of photos of the vacations they are going on with friends, or parties or general fun stuff they do. Their life looks so seductively gorgeous. Would I want it? Would I? You mean, no needing to take care of a house, no cooking and feeding a child, no need to get off the Internet to put a child to sleep, watching exactly what I want on TV all the time, going out with friends, just about anywhere and anytime I want to....... who would not? But then that would also mean not having that one someone I can trust with my life, yes indeed, there is no single friend of mine who I could do that with, no one to nurse me when I am unwell, not having someone on the bed I sleep in, no one to come home to, no one to fight and make-up with, no one to miss when I am away from them, and then I am not sure I want to go that way at all.
I am sure there are loads of very happy single people, but I know that is not the way I want it, that is not what will make me happy. I need commitment in any relationship I have, be it a friend, a parent or anyone at all. And its quite naive to expect complete commitment from unrelated people in today's days and times. Some lucky ones do find it, I have not. One of my oldest and closest friends is untraceable now. I have been trying to call her, since I got to India, but the phone is switched off, as is her husbands. My e-mails remain unanswered. A blog-friend, who I thought was quite close, and I really wanted to speak to, never called, I had pretty much forced my contact number down her throat I think. (If you are reading this, you know who you are, and I am completely OK, if you don't wish to or cannot call.) I love both of them dearly, and they are no less my friends now, than they were before, but had I been single, and really counted on these friends, I don't think I would have survived for too long. Friends may remain or not, sometimes its distance, sometimes its lack of equal feelings, sometimes being in different stages of life, we cannot expect a consistency, until we live together, or at least almost. Then what happen to someone like me, who is actually like an emotional creeper (not a good thing, I know), I either beg people to be my friend, or become super clingy, or just simply super-pessimistic in life. None of which sound like a great way to be. For people who are strong and capable of complete emotional independence(if that is indeed really possible) or are fortunate enough to find a super-duper soulmate kind of friend, or have a great great family to live with, it works out I think, but for me, its not the way to go.
Hence this is to say, I am happy, married, a mother. I have my own person, to be with me forever, with whom I have no constraints, secrets, hassles or any such thing, and who is there with and for me any hour of the day or night. I think that really rocks. And also makes me realise how much I am missing the DH who is far far away from me, since the past ten days now, and I still have some days to go, before I see him again. Lucky me, that the BB is with me, and the DH has managed to find us an accommodation in Melbourne, which means I leave on the scheduled day, and do not need to postpone my move.
So what works for you, are you happy where you are, or would you rather be in the other group? How many of you think, you are a couple, but have tons of fun with your friends too? If you do, then do you think your dynamics with these very friends would remain the same even if you were single? Tell me what you think!!
Its been a while now, since I have been wondering about how I like it, being a married, family woman that I am, or would I have preferred being single, playing the field (as if!!) and doing exactly what I want to do, whenever and wherever. Loads of my friends from school and college, are still unmarried and even unattached to anyone in particular. Their photo albums on social networking sites are full of photos of the vacations they are going on with friends, or parties or general fun stuff they do. Their life looks so seductively gorgeous. Would I want it? Would I? You mean, no needing to take care of a house, no cooking and feeding a child, no need to get off the Internet to put a child to sleep, watching exactly what I want on TV all the time, going out with friends, just about anywhere and anytime I want to....... who would not? But then that would also mean not having that one someone I can trust with my life, yes indeed, there is no single friend of mine who I could do that with, no one to nurse me when I am unwell, not having someone on the bed I sleep in, no one to come home to, no one to fight and make-up with, no one to miss when I am away from them, and then I am not sure I want to go that way at all.
I am sure there are loads of very happy single people, but I know that is not the way I want it, that is not what will make me happy. I need commitment in any relationship I have, be it a friend, a parent or anyone at all. And its quite naive to expect complete commitment from unrelated people in today's days and times. Some lucky ones do find it, I have not. One of my oldest and closest friends is untraceable now. I have been trying to call her, since I got to India, but the phone is switched off, as is her husbands. My e-mails remain unanswered. A blog-friend, who I thought was quite close, and I really wanted to speak to, never called, I had pretty much forced my contact number down her throat I think. (If you are reading this, you know who you are, and I am completely OK, if you don't wish to or cannot call.) I love both of them dearly, and they are no less my friends now, than they were before, but had I been single, and really counted on these friends, I don't think I would have survived for too long. Friends may remain or not, sometimes its distance, sometimes its lack of equal feelings, sometimes being in different stages of life, we cannot expect a consistency, until we live together, or at least almost. Then what happen to someone like me, who is actually like an emotional creeper (not a good thing, I know), I either beg people to be my friend, or become super clingy, or just simply super-pessimistic in life. None of which sound like a great way to be. For people who are strong and capable of complete emotional independence(if that is indeed really possible) or are fortunate enough to find a super-duper soulmate kind of friend, or have a great great family to live with, it works out I think, but for me, its not the way to go.
Hence this is to say, I am happy, married, a mother. I have my own person, to be with me forever, with whom I have no constraints, secrets, hassles or any such thing, and who is there with and for me any hour of the day or night. I think that really rocks. And also makes me realise how much I am missing the DH who is far far away from me, since the past ten days now, and I still have some days to go, before I see him again. Lucky me, that the BB is with me, and the DH has managed to find us an accommodation in Melbourne, which means I leave on the scheduled day, and do not need to postpone my move.
So what works for you, are you happy where you are, or would you rather be in the other group? How many of you think, you are a couple, but have tons of fun with your friends too? If you do, then do you think your dynamics with these very friends would remain the same even if you were single? Tell me what you think!!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
The Fighter In Me... And You?
I believe its always easier to fight, when I am not fighting for a personal cause. I don't know if that is the way it is with most people or its just the other way round. I can fight for a larger cause, I can fight for the weaker people, I can even fight for animals, but I can never ever fight for myself, baring when the DH is my opponent. Possibly that is the only completely honest, true and absolutely open relationship I have in my life, and hence most precious and very treasured. But getting back to the point, how easy or difficult is it for a person to fight for himself?
Somehow I never fight for myself. I think its so much easier to raise my voice, fight or work for others or for a cause, but I can never be assertive enough to do it for myself. It would have been all good, possibly had I been an ideal woman, with no grudges or grouses. Reality though is quite different. My lack of confrontational abilities, leave me frustrated from within. Sometimes it is pretty much impossible to confront at all. I am currently in quite a soup, where my name and image are being tarnished left right and centre, and everyone is using me to cover up their own backsides to be honest. I know it, and I simply sit quietly, avoiding everyone involved in the fiasco, rather than go and tell them honestly what I think of them too. A few words are being picked up from entire conversations and being misrepresented, I am being blamed for reacting to being accused of things, I am said to be thinking that I am too high and mighty, just because I openly did what I thought was the right thing to do, where everything was getting muddled up. An act that could have been a sweet and nice gesture has now turned out into a total mess. I am completely sure of what I did, and totally stand by my action, but I also stand up and hear silently all the accusations and blame, so that the others can keep fueling their personal interests. When earlier people have told me such stories about themselves, I have actually gone up and stood for them and fought, and openly. Some have appreciated my standing up for them, when they could not and then there have been the others too. But the point is why can I never just stand up for myself and say it like it is, when I am being wronged or need to be defended? I think I am just a non-confrontational coward.
Tell me about you, what are your fighting skills, how much and how far can you go, when can you never do it, and what if anything makes you an unstoppable fighter? For me, I think it would be the DH and the BB, I can never take a word or hurt against them, no matter from whom it comes, but I let people walk all over me.
Very recently, I was out with the BB one evening, when a Jeep, ferrying school children stopped in front of a building, and a child got out of the vehicle. There was a stray dog resting near the spot where he got off, and he immediately kicked it, I involuntarily screamed aye, and followed it up by telling the child that the dog hurts and he should not kick it that way, while he kept running away, and the bystanders looked on at me, like I am a crazy person. But I was unfazed and quite happy at what I had done, and did not mind it at all. But believe you me, if it had been me who had been pushed or shoved or even bitten for that matter I would not have uttered a word. It has always been this way with me. Maybe its my Libran trait that cannot tolerate injustice to others, but finds it beneath myself to actually speak out for me. This was the most recent incident that I could think of, but that is the way it has always been with me.
Somehow I never fight for myself. I think its so much easier to raise my voice, fight or work for others or for a cause, but I can never be assertive enough to do it for myself. It would have been all good, possibly had I been an ideal woman, with no grudges or grouses. Reality though is quite different. My lack of confrontational abilities, leave me frustrated from within. Sometimes it is pretty much impossible to confront at all. I am currently in quite a soup, where my name and image are being tarnished left right and centre, and everyone is using me to cover up their own backsides to be honest. I know it, and I simply sit quietly, avoiding everyone involved in the fiasco, rather than go and tell them honestly what I think of them too. A few words are being picked up from entire conversations and being misrepresented, I am being blamed for reacting to being accused of things, I am said to be thinking that I am too high and mighty, just because I openly did what I thought was the right thing to do, where everything was getting muddled up. An act that could have been a sweet and nice gesture has now turned out into a total mess. I am completely sure of what I did, and totally stand by my action, but I also stand up and hear silently all the accusations and blame, so that the others can keep fueling their personal interests. When earlier people have told me such stories about themselves, I have actually gone up and stood for them and fought, and openly. Some have appreciated my standing up for them, when they could not and then there have been the others too. But the point is why can I never just stand up for myself and say it like it is, when I am being wronged or need to be defended? I think I am just a non-confrontational coward.
Tell me about you, what are your fighting skills, how much and how far can you go, when can you never do it, and what if anything makes you an unstoppable fighter? For me, I think it would be the DH and the BB, I can never take a word or hurt against them, no matter from whom it comes, but I let people walk all over me.
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