The Culture Versus Person story

This is a discussion I had with my cousin a while back, and there was so much to be said and realised from it, that I wanted to write it down. The very loving aunt to the BB, who is still a kid herself if you ask me, during a recent conversation with me, asked me, how would I imbibe the Indian culture in the BB, living in a land far away, not being a part of any Indian associations here,esp since most of them are regional and The GP and I belong to different regions of India, without as much as Indian television channels at home. I told her straight up, that I cared more for the kind of person the BB became than the so called 'cultural' values. If Indian cultural values are what is displayed on Indian television, I would rather he not know.  And so on it went.

For every example she came up with, I could tell her, how a good person would automatically do the right thing, no matter to what culture he/she belonged. And if it is Indian music or arts that is our culture, I am sure there is enough Indian music playing at home for the BB to pick up, if he has an inclination for it, the rest of the arts, neither The GP, nor me are great connoisseurs,  so well, we cannot really help on that front. And what if he did not pick up Indian art forms, but Western ones, or even African ones for that matter? Does it make him any worse of a person. Things like communication, familial ties, respect for adults are something that is a part of this household, like any average Indian household, imperfect, but that is the way it stands, and so that is what he will observe. But to me the more important question is will he offer his seat to an older person on public transport, will he help a blind person cross the road. And honestly I don't think it is a part of Indian culture, atleast not the India that I have lived in. There are some amazing people who do it, but not enough to call it our culture. And at the end of the day, I believe its just a matter of the kind of person one is. And that is why, that is the only thing that counts for me, when it comes to my child.

It went on then further to family values, and how they will differ for the BB compared to what it is for her or was for me. She wondered how would he adjust if he needed to live with them for a while. And while the food habits maybe a bit different, I don't think there are cultural issues at risk, besides the fact that he may never learn Bengali. A simple thing like eating on the dining table, we as a family very very rarely do that. We are more of a sit around the TV and chat over our meals kind of a family. We have always had dining tables wherever we lived, and it has pretty much always been a dumping table. But my point is, if I am a sensible and sensitive person, and I am visiting someone, I will automatically adapt to their way of life. I will eat on the floor, if that is the way they do it, or the table, or from a communal plate. I will pretty much follow things their way, unless it clashes with my sense of personal values or hygiene. And that is what is the most important thing to me. It is about being sensitive to people's feelings and genuinely caring for them.

Then what is it about the Indian culture that me or anyone for that matter may desperately want in their child. It is but obviously always the positive, good bits, like warmth, helping people, being respectful. And I think all of those are essential bits of being a person, the rest automatically falls in place, if we have that in place. Coming back to the previous example of eating, we ate on our dining table, when my aunt and uncle were visiting us, because they are elders and that is the way they did things. Common sign of respect. But unfortunately, their child would not join us around the centre table for meals, when he came to visit us alone. The fact is, that a nice person, would have jovially joined in on the fun around the centre table instead of sitting aside in a corner alone. Also if our culture involves, as I see widely around the country, eve teasing, pick pocketing, aggression, lack of patience or even politeness, then I would rather that my child not learn it at all.

What do you, other parents feel about this, or even those who are not parents yet? How do you define Indian culture, what do you think is a culture specific thing that should be imbibed in a child?

Interpretations!

The beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say. So often in life I have faced situations, or observed incidents where various people have absolutely different interpretations of the same thing. Never fails to amaze me, and then somewhere I feel that is actually a true judge of a person's character, because how we perceive things, is how we think. The GP for example always finds a kind loving reason for everything, even things that make me fume. God! How I love the man for being my calming factor. Coming back to the point, I thought it would be fun to list some things that people interpret differently, and it would be fun to hear if you have some too!

A child running in a mall without any visible adult guardians.

What careless parents.

Its so difficult to manage and hold onto kids that age.
Children today are completely wild and unruly.

A woman drinking.
Aajkal ki 'modern' aurat!
Aah! she is cool.
Who cares?

A woman not drinking in a pub.
Why do these people even come here?
Must be a first timer, soaking it in.
The boyfriend must have coaxed her here.

A working mother.
Superwoman!
These kinds do justice to nothing.
Doesn't lover her own child enough to stay with the baby?

A woman open about her sexuality.
Gosh! She has the guts man, I could never talk about myself like that.
Sex is all she has!
Uff! Aaj ki bhrashta nari.

A woman who does not talk about sex or her sexuality.
Pretending to be holier than thou! Its all just an act.
Its just because of her cultural background.
That is the kind of decency I like.
Must have really high moral values, to be this way, in today's world.


There are millions like this, and its just amazing to talk and think about, seeing how we interpret things. I have my own interpretations of various people, incidents, events. Often different from that of others, and yet they make sens e to me. The thing that stays with me though, is how some people always look at the positive, and others almost always at the negative side of things. I know this woman, who claims, everyone wants sex. She can find sexual connotations to the most simple, basic events of life. But then that is what we are. The world is nothing but a reflection of our own minds. The loving one, sees a mother's love when she beats her child, the cynic sees a violent woman, who cannot control her temper, and an average Jane like me wonders, what the child could have done to invoke the wrath!

Just Stop This Shit

Alert - may contain words and idea unsuitable for people under 18.

Clarification -I am not against homosexuality. It is the linking of people's name to it without a solid ground for it that is bothering me. In the post the words 'dirty' and 'disgusting' etc has been used for the mindset of people, and not about anyone's sexual preference at all.
 
I am sick of people not being able to think beyond sex and sexuality, and sexualising every damn thing they see. Tells me where the damn perverts are born from really!

Everything is looked on sexually. And now this cry about Mahatma Gandhi being bi-sexual. I have a simple thing to say here. Petty people cannot look beyond themselves, to them the entire world is as petty as are they, and hence they cannot even conceive or even begin to understand greatness. I am sure soon enough someone will come up with sickening stories on Jesus, Ram and more, well just because they think that everyone is as shallow as them. Abstinence, is not easy, and all those who are sexually active will know that. How many of us can even imagine giving it up for life? Very few, and most of those who do would not even succeed! So the people who have or did, are now labelled with all kinds of names, because dimwits cannot think beyond themselves or their own lack of self control. If someone does not or did not marry and remained a bachelor or spinster, they must have been homosexual. If they had a close friend of the same sex, they must have been homosexual or bi-sexual.

I wonder what warped world these people come from, or is the world getting so warped, that we cannot think beyond the nasty? Have these people never had friends, or have they never had any relationship in their lives that was not about sex? If you have not been able to tell till now, I am extremely enraged. Takes me back to the one thing that irritated me about JK Rowling, her claim about Dumbledore's homosexuality. Yeah well, its her character, and she can shape it as she pleases, but why does he have to be homosexual or not?

Somehow, no one aspires to be better anymore I think, its about pulling people down to your dirty level. I want to have sex outside of marriage, I do it, and then claim the whole world does, they just don't say it. Why be ashamed of what I did, why let there be a moral high ground? I would rather pull everyone down to my dirty level.Makes life easier doesn't it. So everything has an OK, any kind of sex, any kind of relationship and wow what a wonderful world we have.

I have not read the book, and I would like to believe the author, Joseph Lelyveld, when he says people are misquoting and misunderstanding his work, but its the very idea that people think this way that sickens me. I can bet my entire life, that not one of these so called writers or critics have the guts to do one tenth of what the Mahatma did for not just India, but the world. So what do they do, they try to tarnish his image and give  new dimensions to his persona. Its been done before, its being done again. Its shameful and utterly disgusting, if you cannot emulate any of his great principles, and I am sure most of us don't even try, the least we can do is show respect, and admire a great man.

Each and everyday I seem to find something that tells me how little we value our morals, and how easily we let virtues rot. Commitments, who needs them, its ok to break them. Extra marital relationships happen, there are bad relationships ....... what about commitment, what about honesty? And while it does take place, there is no denying that, to actually accept it as acceptable, by mainstream society is what scares me so so much. No one thinks its a virtue to be patient, or humble. If you don't beat your own drum you lose out, and again the worst bit is not just doing it, but claiming, that to be the right thing to do. God! I can go on endlessly about this, and it will just make my blood boil some more. I am too enraged and upset to be coherent I think, so I will link you up to a post, which is written clearly and precisely, talking about many many more such incidents and I loved it.

The fact is, morality exists for a reason. No I am no supporter of the Shiv Sena or Shri Ram Sena, but it breaks my heart to see how easily everyone lets go of anything moral, by giving it a million different names, to do things that are easy and require no self control or restraint. And it is really shameful to not only do that, but the people who really led the hard life by following the moral principles of life, being trivialised, and made to look petty. I personally know two women, one of whom was a spinster all her life, dedicated to the profession of teaching, and I can guarantee she died a virgin. Another widowed before thirty, who never indulged in any kind of sexual activity for the years after. If anyone dares, call them homosexual, or whatever I will personally wreck physical havoc on them. I have just this to say to such people, "I pity your existence, without any morality or ethics, because not only is your mindset lowly, the sad bit is you can never even comprehend what greatness look like. Much like the pig which can never even look at the sky, but lives and eats filth."

A True Role Model

It never ceases to amaze me, how truly great people, never blame the circumstances, no matter how tough it gets. They harbour no malice for people who may have treated them in ways, that is nothing short of cruel. I wish that someday, I am able to achieve such a mentality, where I can look beyond any negative influences in my life. It is not that I have never tried, and that is possibly why, I appreciate even more, the people who are capable of doing it, because its not easy. Came across this article in the newspaper yesterday, and it left me, inspired and in awe.

This is a 27 year old woman called Rukhma Lakshman Kale, residing in a village in Maharashtra. She is a volunteer with UNICEF, and is working to help young girls and women in villages, by encouraging them to go to school, as well as by teaching them basic life skills like personal hygiene, basic banking and accounting and so on. Inspiring enough just for this, but what really amazed me, was her personal story, for which she holds no grudges. She was made to live in a cowshed with a newborn baby, and yet all she says is, "It could have happened to anyone.". How many of us can ever be that gracious? We crib and bitch for hours about minor incidents we might have experienced at work, or with in-laws. And here is a woman, who  is a single mother, bringing up her child alone, with no grudges, and actually doing something concrete to make a difference to the society.

And that is what I think a true role-model should be like. truly inspiring, in every aspect. Unfortunately we look at models and actresses as your goals for body image, and then think we are good enough ourselves to not need to change ever. And we shortchange ourselves for life that way. Because we don't believe in really changing or trying to excel as a person. I am inspired by women, people like Rukhma. Who are truly role-models and  are actually acting for change. Who or what inspires you?

Some Reflections About WWII

I am reading this book, based during the World War 2, and it has led to a barrage of thoughts in my mind. I am not a person interested in History, Politics or wars, so all that I know about WW2 was what I learned in school. The reasons were obviously political, because there will never be a war, let alone, one that involves pretty much all of the world, unless and until there are strong political motivations. But that is not my point, it is something else that came to my mind, infact something that I think is a very positive aspect of the war.

Adolf Hitler(God knows how I hate that monstercreature), led the single largest atrocious genocide in human history. He tried, very strongly to pretty much eradicate the Jewish race from the face of the earth. Fortunately for humanity, he did not completely succeed. The horrors of tyranny in the concentration camps, are not hidden from the world today. The Diary Of Anne Frank, till date remains one of the most powerful books ever published, some have even said, that is the book they would want to take to the grave with them. However, my point is not that. It is the fact, that Hitler a Christian by religion, was waging a war against the Jews, and that could be all means be seen as one of the most religious wars of all times. What is extremely heartening though was to see, so so many other nations of the world, consisting of primarily Christian citizens, stand up in arms, against the misdeeds of Hitler, fight against him, and provide refuge to the Jews who managed to escape.

There were Christian people, across the world, who joined hands, to protect and fight for the Jews, against another Christian who was trying to kill them. There is no denying the war was not simply altruistic, but there were very many, selfish motives, power struggles, and more that resulted in the war. But we cannot turn our back on the fact that other Christian dominated countries, fought against a Christian(Hitler) oppressing the Jews, and they lent aid, and help to save and protect the Jewish victims. Isn't that what humanity is all about.

Don't XOXO Me

Its been a while now, since I have been receiving e-mails, and text messages, signed off with an 'XX' or an 'XO'. Being the dud that I am, I did not initially get it, and let it be thinking it is something cool, I am just not in touch with. Then I got to watching Gossip Girl, and finally got what it meant. It is a 'cool' way of saying hugs and kisses, the XOXO. OK! and so people were actually sending love across to me, all this while, but I did not get it. How good is that, it makes me wonder.

It was recently, that I realised, that some values, are eternal. They cannot be trespassed in the name of modernity, or being cool. Its a world today, where people find it acceptable to not respond to messages, even wishes for that matter, where the scandalous has become not just acceptable, but even the norm, and the worst of it being, that actually saying that, we find something unethical or immoral unacceptable, makes the person 'un'cool. And I decided, that I will no longer accept what feels wrong to me instinctively, just to be accepted in a group of people. Well, hopefully I will write a more detailed post on this some other time.

Love, I believe is the most powerful emotion in the world. Not just the kind that transcends into a physical, sexual thing, but every form of it. Between friends, parents and children, siblings, and just two human beings who feel it for each other. Hugs and kisses are an expression of that emotion. These actions and emotions are conveyed by certain words. And the association gives those words the positive power. So why then would I take away from it, in anyway at all. I don't get it. What is the thought process behind this?

I remember long back, having a discussion with a friend, regarding abusive parenting, and she had said that even the verbal abuse, name calling, was a form of the parents expressing love. I was surprised, and replied, 'For all the loving words that exist in the world, why would anyone use abusive ones, to express a so called affection. There is a reason affectionate words exist as such in the dictionary.' And I have the same reasoning here. 'Love','hugs','kisses' such beautiful words, conveying such amazing emotions, why would I replace it with symbols, which also reflect wrong(X) and nothingness(O)? Sometimes I really wonder if the world is hurtling down a black hole, just because we don't spend time to think about our actions, and just jump in, to join the bandwagon of other mindless people following someone else.

I would much rather write, and have written to me words full of emotion and affection, than symbolism, which does not make sense, and in many ways represent the exact opposite of what is intended. Send me love, hugs and kisses people, don't need cross-n-knots.

Any new trend that bothers you, makes you feel that its all wrong and senseless?

Use Your Mammaries, Mothers!

[Disclaimer - This is not about women who are physically unable to breastfeed, but about women who are capable but don't.]
If my last few posts have not been mention and proof enough of my disillusionment, with the world as it exists today, here comes another one. For a rare change I was looking at a newspaper today, and as newspapers have the habit of doing, it managed to impart some nugget of information to me. 'What now?', you ask, well this is the World Breastfeeding Week. And you can head over to the dedicated website, to gain more information about the week starting 1st of August, that this is being celebrated.

My point being, however, that we live in society today, where the most powerful and basic form of love, that of a mother to a child seems to be dwindling. I am sure, consciously or without really noticing, everyone in this world has observed some event, where a mother's affection has made the impossible possible. This is supposed to be the love, purest of all, the one without any expectations or demands. But before I go on, about that for a few posts worth of length, let me just say, that breastfeeding is the most basic thing a mother does for her child, and it is strange that there needs to be weeks, days or anything at all dedicated to inform people about it.

We celebrate women because they breastfeed their babies??? *huh????* Next we will need to celebrate the man who drives his family around, or the woman who cooks for her family, or a person who spends his earning on bringing up his/her children. Oh! But I forget, many people already believe they are doing the whole wide world a big favour, by doing precisely these very things. What is wrong with us? Does there need to be preaching and encouragement for mothers(notice, I am not saying women here!! Because the emotional transformation a woman goes through, when she delivers a baby, transforms her forever into a mother) to breastfeed their babies? There is a reason, why a woman's body was designed by nature, to grow a baby within itself, nourishing and growing it, and then nourishing it for a while after too. What exactly can be enticing enough for a mother to not want to do that?

[Image courtsey - http://www.keyshealthystart.org/breastfeeding.htm]

WHO recommends breastfeeding a baby for atleast the first two years of life, and by the time a baby is just about six months old, many many mothers begin to plan their weaning methods, and by the time they are one, the babies are all weaned successfully, as the mothers would proudly claim. And while, in a normal world, I would think that cruel, in the one we currently inhabit, I have to applaud the mothers for allowing their babies access to their, completely personal and self-owned breasts(Yes, I am being sarcastic!), because there are those, who don't allow their babies that privilege. Its a strange world indeed, where mothers are too busy/self-involved/self-lovingcompletely selfish to provide their baby with breast milk. The reasons, could be many, and all equally pathetic. But unfortunately, no matter how much I hate it, such is the world we inhabit. Selfishness, has crossed all barriers, and has invaded even the purest of relationships.

And hence, the newspaper, being a more accepting part of the world, as it exists today, linked up an article about Celebrities Who Love Breastfeeding (a few pics may not be suitable for viewing in office!)as it states, 'In honour of World Breastfeeding Week we feature 12 celebrities who support the 'breast is best' message.' Well, indeed, let us celebrate, and instead of being a sourpuss, who keeps cribbing about what bothers her, let me appreciate the effort that is being taken here, to make things right. And so I will say, its the best way for a mother to bond with her baby. The initial months, fraught with sleeplessness, breastfeeding is the perfect way to relax. Breastfeeding releases hormones, that soothe and ease the mother's nerves, and helps her rest and relax. For the women who have breastfed, they would know, it induces a much needed state of blissful sleepiness. Breastfeeding also reduces the risk of breast cancer. And it helps the uterus shrink faster and sooner. And now that I have said all that I know about how it helps the mother, may I also add the obvious, that it make the baby healthier, it gives him natural immunity against diseases in those precious first few months of life, it is the easiest food for his tender digestive system, and it also gives him emotional strength of knowing he is loved, and not a burden!

So there women, nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is worth giving up on this special experience, nor any reason good enough to use an excuse. Feed your baby, give them what only you can, don't hold that back.

What Is Racism?

Some of the new found radical misguided notions views on eradicating racism, really leaves me baffled wondering, how exactly do people think. No, don't get me wrong, I am as against discrimination as one can get, discrimination of any form at all, racism being just one of the forms. Its the basic understanding of the concept, where I vary from much of the stuff I come across. Our mind, gets its input from the senses, and forms its pictures, opinions and thoughts. So I would really need to shut my eyes when evaluating a person, if I don't want to know what the colour of their skin is or what clothes she wears, or close my ears and not hear what language she speaks. It is natural for our brain to process the information it receives through the sensory organs, and form its opinions.

I for one cannot look at a person with fair/white skin and not think of it as belonging to a Caucasian, or hear someone speak in a certain accent and not relate it to a country of origin. I don't think, perceiving the obvious physical differences, as being different, is racism. It is when seeing a particular skin colour triggers a stereotype in our mind, and we behave accordingly, that it is racism. That is what I think. But to say, don't call a black man black, is like expecting me to be blind. That I treat him differently than others is racism according to me. But then again, why is it not racist when I treat a certain kind of people better than the rest, why is it labelled racism, only if a certain section is treated badly. A simple example, why is it racist behaviour, when a person is treated poorly based on the colour of skin, but not if a person gets preferential treatment due to their skin colour. Have you ever heard a complaint, from a person saying, 'Its racist that I receive better service at the restaurant just because I am black/white/brown/xyz'. And though I don't know if I am correctly deriving this, but does the human mind process racism, only when there is negative discrimination, and not when its beneficial to them? It feels like a person, who cribs about being minority in a society, and how that's discriminating, but does not feel the same way, when the same factor gets them into quota for admissions to colleges or finding work.

But does the true definition of racism include only the negatively impacting discrimination, or is it discrimination in any form at all. I don't know. But for all practical purposes, it seems to only include the negative discrimination. However, I have digressed from my original line of thought. Coming back to it. Racism is not in the observation of our senses, but in what our mind makes of those observations. I think it is taking it to stupid heights, when it becomes racist, to describe a person by the colour of their skin. I for one am brown, and I am an Indian, and I don't think its racist in any way at all, if anyone says that. It would be, only if they treated me differently, because of the above attributes of my persona. And while, I hate to say it, I think India happens to be one of the most racist countries that exists. The immediate change of attitude towards different colour of skin, exists so abundantly, not only within its boundaries, but the attitude abounds aplenty outside too. The immediate change of attitude towards people, who are white skinned, is just revolting. From being overly polite to the face, to bitching and name calling through the teeth, behind their backs, it simply disgusts me. Why does there have to be any classification at all. Why can the person not be thought of as a person alone, whatever the race? I will never openly admit it, or say it to people here, but the fact remains, as is.

Racism I say again, is not in accepting the facts as is, but it is how we process it in our minds, and react to it. A non-racist, would accept, that another person belongs to a different race, but treat him just the same as he does everyone else.

[PS - please excuse if this post makes no sense, my own thoughts need a little more ironing on this subject.]

A Feminist Re-Born

Well, so the training I was singing praises about is finally over. Yesterday was our last session. And yes, I am sad. My Wednesdays will not be the same. Being in a room full of opinionated, intelligent, strong, passionate and yet extremely compassionate women, would leave anyone a richer and smarter person. I did a lot of foot-in-mouth stupidities, and yet I never felt judged. I go on the phone for the first time tomorrow, so I need all the good wishes and blessings I can get. But that is not what this post is about. This is about something that was discussed, at the end of the session yesterday, and left me wanting to say a lot, and more importantly once again brought to the fore my thoughts on the topic of feminism.

It was a five minute, self evaluation on how we felt at the end of the training, and it was then that I realised, that like a lot of other things in life, I had, through this training come to a full circle around my opinions and views on feminism. As a child growing up, I felt very strongly against the inequality between men and women or rather girls and boys as I saw it at that age. I saw it everywhere, in families who were part of the educated, moneyed middle-class of society, the stinking rich, the poor, it happened everywhere. When I look back now, I find it a bit surprising, that I was so infuriated by the situation, especially considering the fact, that being an only child, I did not have to deal with any such issue in my own life. But like most issues that are related to inequality and discrimination of any kind, I was passionate about it. But things changed.

The past few years, the term feminism, had me looking at it cynically. I had seen just way too many women, use it as a ruse to act selfishly. Rich women, with loving families, who don't want to do their part, women who use it as an excuse to reap the benefits and shy away from the duties. Feminism is not about getting the upper hand in every marital discord, or not breast feeding, or making sure that a woman does not take care of her children just because the father is not doing so(because he was at work), or yes, claiming she does not need to cook, because her husband does not... may I add here, that she does not do anything else concretely either. Yes, I have met and heard of women like that. I have heard about the huge fuss being made about continuing with her maiden surname after marriage, by women who actually do continue with it anyways. And while I agree, that it should be a woman's free-will, what name or surname she wants to use, at whichever point of time in her life, it just takes away from the real issues a feminist is fighting for, issues that determine the course of a woman's life. I think such women in the name of feminism, take away from what feminism is all about, they completely dilute the severity of the true cause. No I am not supporting women, who think they have the right to drink till they throw up, in the name of feminism, or women who think they should have many casual sexual encounters because men do, in the name of feminism, or women who say they are feminists and can hence sneer upon others who are more traditional in their outlook or lifestyle. And that being the case, I had become quite disillusioned about feminism.

And then I joined this organisation which is openly feminist in its views. Initially, I was not sure, how I would fit in, based on my the existing view of feminism and feminists. But then things changed. As I learnt and discussed, about the real issues facing women, violence, lack of rights, stereotyping, lack of options and choices, being controlled and dominated, being left alone with children and without any money to fend for themselves, I left more than one training session, enraged, angry and disturbed. And in the process found once again my true passion for feminist causes and issues. Being a mother now, just sensitises me more. And I found the gap between the true feminist, and the pseudo-feminist.

A feminist is a person(yes it could be a man too), who in actuality is bothered by discrimination or inequality of any kind, and is particularly sensitive to the issues, faced by women, because they are women, whether in her personal life or professional. That is how I define the feminist. A feminist would feel equally for a friend who is a victim of domestic violence, as she would for the poor homeless one, because she does not discriminate based of social or financial status of a person. She would feel for the boy, of a rich business family, who is taken out of school to work in the family business, while his sisters go on to college and more, just as much for the girl, who is taken out of school, to earn some to contribute to the family income, while her brother is allowed to do as he pleases. But yes, the feminist, would fight a bit harder for the girl, because she is after all a feminist. A feminist does not say all men are d*$#, but she is strong enough to stand up against any man(or woman) who takes away from any woman's basic human rights. And so, yes, that is me a re-born feminist. And believe me, I will fight any woman who tries to dilute the true issues, and problems facing women, with their fluff about the right to smoke.

*sigh* I feel liberated! And this was so important to get off my chest, that well past mid-night, I am up typing this, because I had to say it. Cheers to all the feminists of the world.

What Do You Give Your Child?

A love for books,
or maybe a taste for music,
Or would it be a brain for numbers,
A passion for sports it could be,
Or maybe even cinema.

Painting, dancing, birds and animals, or even spirituality. There are so so so many things to choose from. So what is it that you give your child? I am sure most in the blog-world would love to instill in their children a love and passion for reading, but then I am sure there are just as many out there who want their children to have a good ear for music, or whatever else they hold dear to them. And when I see parents around me taking so much loving effort to instill in their child, a passion, a hobby, or a love, I wonder what to do with mine?

Each one seems so passionate about what they foster into their offspring, that I get inspired by each and every one of them, and finally end up being a Jack of all trades master of none with the BB. And in this process, I have learned that I cannot do it all. I cannot get him to sing, dance, read, hop, jump, play, paint and more all in one go. Or atleast not with equal gusto. So what then do I do? Isn't he too young for me to pick a single skill a passion to instill. Isn't this the time he learns, sees, explores and picks out what he loves the most, I think. At the end of the day, I don't want to push him either way, I want him to go ahead, and be what he wants to be, and do what he wants to do. (Only hope I have enough money in the bank to transfer in his name, incase he wants to just be a street-side artist!) And yet I need to show him the choices he has.

I know he is introduced to everything in his day-care centre, and I know of parents who play mental-maths quizzes with their kids all day long. I know I have been the person who thought getting a management degree would be the pinnacle of her life. And I thank God that, it did not happen, because it would have been such a sheer and colossal waste of money, on an undiplomatic, non-corporate work worthy person like me. I know now, that the last kind of job I am suitable for is corporate management. But, then, I did not know any better. I knew about studies, school, college, professional degrees and that was it. I don't want the BB's vision to be narrowed in anyway like that. I want him to be free to look around and decide what he wants in his life.

A little too young for me to think so much you say, but believe me it is not. Because somewhere in life, the seeds of the kind of person we are, are sown in childhood. And I definitely don't want to bungle up here. No I am no perfect parent, I am as flawed, and imperfect as can be. But then I have my priorities too, and one of the main ones being, to give my child the freedom to choose his own life. Not to say I will not guide him, or instill in him humane values, but he has to choose the purpose of his life himself. I don't want it set upon him in anyway at all. While I want him to like books, music, the outdoors and some other things, I am worried that I should not force any of them on him. Now maintaining the right balance would be one tough job isn't it? Because what I truly want to give my child, is freedom, to carve out a path of his choice in life. Where he can follow his dreams and passions as he likes.

Till just a little while ago, I was so worried, about what he would learn from the world around him. When he was little, I could control the environment he lives in, the people he sees, but that was not to be the way all his life. I used to worry then, about him learning 'bad things' from the world outside.(To be clear I was not an all good influence, but then as I said, it was a controlled environment.) So once the BB started playschool, and his day-care sessions, he started coming home with a mixed bag of learnings. Some I liked, some not so much. And my initial reaction to it, like it is to most things that upset me, was panic. I was aghast, when I learnt that he was pushing other children. Oh! no, I thought. This is just because of the other kids, how else would he ever have learnt to push others like that. Yes, I am a fool that way. But this also helped me learn one of the bigger lessons of parenting. What is the test of a parent, whose child has no external influences to test him. The BB, maybe yet too young, for such huge philosophical statements, but the lesson has come to me in time, before he grows older, and I am in a constant state of panic. The important thing is for a child to go out, see, observe, learn and most importantly have the sense to select what he learns. It is upto me to teach him the guiding values and principles, which help him pick and choose. And that is no easy task I reckon!

After a really long time, I was browsing the newspapers online, and I came across this article, which really shocked surprised me. It talks of a man who is a master of astro-genetics, who used his knowledge to have children of a preferred sex twice(male of course) and to have a genius child the third time round(male again ofcourse!). The genius son is now all of 22, and stepping into IIT, Powai as a professor. I know a lot of parents out there who want their kids to be a genius, or a musical maestro or some other thing like that. There are plenty of tennis dads out there. But, what I do know for sure is, that as a parent, I would want my child to be just normal, and most importantly happy. I would never ever want to tweak the circumstances, to create something 'better', unless physical ailments are the cause of concern. The children we do have are the best that we can, and we love them for who they are. This kind of manipulation, takes the concept of 'conditional love' from parents to new heights. Scary, and scary indeed.

Are We Weaklings?

Where are we today as people of the world? What are we heading towards? What are our goals, our missions? I wonder often about these things, about what is it that we are looking for. And I don't seem to get the responses I would like. Even within my ownself.

Somewhere I feel, we are a misguided lot, being led on like lambs to the slaughter, by the devil disguised as the enticing have-it-all. Sounds strange isn't it? But when was the last time you heard someone say, my aim is to be more honest, or more helpful or more charitable? But I am sure we have often heard others as well as ourselves say, I want to own another house, get a raise, make XYZ amount this year, bring my body weight to ABC kgs. And in these small monetary and materialistic goals, have the bigger, humane goals been lost somewhere?

I don't remember the last time I deprived my self of something that I really wanted and donated the money instead, to someone who really did need it, for something as basic as food or clothes. How many of us even aim to do that? How often, if ever have we heard someone say, my goal this year is to donate atleast half of my earnings to charity, or take a few weeks off work and help the people who need it? In my case the answer is never. And it is this that makes me wonder where are we as a community of people headed?

What are our real goals and ambitions in life? Making more money, getting a promotion, being thinner? Good things in themselves, but is that all we want for ourselves, is that all we believe we are capable of achieving? I think we underestimate and devalue ourselves tremendously when we limit ourselves by such goals. There are then some who aim to read more books, expand their knowledge of music or learn a new skill, and yet again I think we are limiting our potential here. These are wonderful things when we look at it from the practical world, and yet somehow, I feel that they are not what changes or improves the core of the person we are. I will never underestimate the value of reading, music or learning new things, but is that enough for us to progress as persons, spiritually?

I for one, never make new year resolutions, simply because they do not translate to anything more than words in my life. And yet, I know a lot of people who do. And of all those who have shared their's with me, I have never come across even one, which said things like I will be kind to animals this year, I will not say a bad word about anyone, I will stand up against what is wrong, I will not be greedy or demanding. How does this, then, represent us as a society of humans. Are we too absorbed with the material to want more, to actually unleash our true potential and achieve it. It scares me to think that in ways we are actually, being just mediocre and proudly so.

Often our vices are now, labeled as our personality, individuality, and left at that. I am moody, I am short-tempered, I am impatient. These are the kind of statements I hear often, and use them myself too. What saddens me is, we say it as a statement, sometimes even arrogantly, not wanting to change it one bit. We actually proudly claim these vices to be ours. Why? Why is it no longer thought of as a vice, as a corruption to our character that we should try to get rid off. Why is it used as a badge of pride instead? If we do not understand these qualities as a malignance in the wholeness of our persona, how can we ever think of eliminating them. And with each person proudly hugging their flaws, where exactly does that lead the society, which is comprised of people like us? Shallowness, materialism, weakness and yet full of arrogance?

In reality it is weakness, because we as human beings have such huge potentials, we can move mountains with our minds alone, and yet we give in, and do not even try to win over the smallest evils in us. We give in and let the vices rule us instead. It saddens me, because it feels like seeing a huge fercious lion, watching a small little deer, walk by, and not attack it, saying, oh well, why take the effort to run and hunt, let me just be lazy and sit around instead. And eventually that is what will kill him, because he needs the food to nourish his strong body, and without that his body will become weak and eventually he will perish. That is exactly what the virtues are for the human mind, the food that nourishes it and keeps it strong and flourishing. Our vices, weaken it, diminish its strength and finally leads to its demise.

Why do we not decide to do something to nourish our souls each day, each time we make a resolution, even if for just a day? Like each time I think, today I will try to lose weight by not eating anything oily, let me also think, and today I will also not say a bad word about anyone, or today I shall tell no lies, no matter what, or today I will send a good thought out for the person I hate the most. It will be tough no doubt, probably tougher than avoiding deep fried chips and pakodas, and yet it will make me that much stronger and better as a human being. And I think each day it will just get easier, till, one day I find, that, that is what is now me, my nature and I no longer need to make the effort to be that way. Imagine a society where most people are like that, whole, strong and pure. The way we were intended to be when we were created.

[This post is more of an introspection, than any kind of accusation. This is not meant to offend anyone, but was meant as an analysis of myself, and of what I see around me, what I think needs to be changed, more so in me than anyone else. ]

Of Relationships

Relationships are strange things I have come to believe, fun, complicated, mystical, and many a times quite beyond my comprehension. Most times they are fun and nice, but every now and then there are little squeaks and creaks, just like old floor boards, which are usually quite incomprehensible to me, but throw the thing completely off balance. I am not talking about relationships, that are casual, the types we label as just friends or acquaintances, but the ones that come from the heart, where we form bonds, put down our masks and guards, and are free to be what we really are.

Relationships I have come to believe are best maintained with people who, are individually related or known to one. I meet X in the school/college/training/work/bus/pub/theatre/library, like him/her, and decide to be friends with. Works out much better than, liking and being friends with X, where he/she is a friend of or related to one of my friends/relatives/acquaintances/colleagues. The dynamics of any relationship between just two individuals alone, is forever changing. Where two human minds are involved, which are never stable, or stuck in just one place, the possibilities are many. But throw in the midst a few more people, with their own stakes in the line that connects me and X, and it surprises me, that things even reach the point of a friendship. I for example, quite like my friend's sister. In fact, I think I gel better with her, than my friend herself. She gets along just fine with me too, but then my friend may not like it. More likely than not, as adults no one is likely to come up and say what they really feel, and things can suddenly turn sour without me realising what happened. Not only do I then lose the new friend, but also an older relationship.

Relationships are like investments, just more precious!

They really are I tell you. Just like monetary investments, relationships need to be invested in and nurtured with immense care and caution. And believe me, carelessness is what kills more relationships than anything else. A bit of taking for granted, or some just not making an effort, and sometimes just plain laziness. These things matter, especially when it comes to relationships that matter. And yet again, even with all of that it is not a 100% thing, simply because just like the stock exchange, there are no guarantees here either. And then there is always the case of when things change. People, situations, circumstances, other relationships. Anything, anytime may change, and it affects relationships.

What affects me more in case of relationships, is when instead of a clean break, where I can mope about a loss, cut my losses and move on, the relationship becomes a caricature of what it originally was, a fake hollow shell. That becomes a cross to bear for the rest of my life, and its just not my thing. I cannot go from being best buds to I-am-just-tolerating-you and maintain a relationship on face value, just does not work for me. But then that is just me, zero skills in the department of diplomacy.

Then there is the possibility of misunderstandings. Just recently I had one, with a friend, who is very dear to me. (Yes, I am talking about you! And hope the misunderstanding is cleared up.) We are very different temperamentally. If I am genda phool she is a long-stemmed rose, I am rustic, basic, blunt, she is artistic, deep and talented. But somewhere we connect, and it is wonderful. And yet, the written word which does not convey our tone, led to a misunderstanding. When I received her mail, I was surprised, because I never realised that I had written anything to upset her at all, only when I re-read it, did I realise, that without my mocking scowl, and clown-like expressions, the words alone could in fact have sounded harsh. Just made me realise how frail relationships can really be, especially since we both are secure, strong people, and know that our friendship is much more than frivolous.

And with all these things that can go wrong, is it not really a wonder, when a relationship, that we invest our heart and times into, actually blossoms, and grows. Relationships, that are true, and honest, which truly reflect a bond between two people. Each time, I lose a friend or a relationship goes sour in my life, I do thank God, for the other amazing ones I have in my life, the ones that stand the test of time, change of circumstances and more.

A word from the wise here, please invest very carefully in every relationship in your life. Take your time, never rush in, and think deeply before you let someone into your heart. And when you do, make sure you are ready to fight to keep the person in your life.

A Couple Of Facebook Things

It is quite difficult to now imagine life, before the advent of blogs and Facebook, atleast for me. I know life was easier, more real, and there was much less strain on the eyes, but somehow the memories of it all have blurred now. Facebook seems such an easy place to connect, share, socialise. Anyone goes for a trip anywhere in the world, and I get to see what it was like, birthday celebrations, even gorgeous food cooked, I can see it all, from oceans and continents away. And yet the medium irks and amazes me all the time.

The feature that suggests friends, is fun, suddenly you see names, that tug at your foggy memory, and sometimes it clears up to show a name from the past. What I find really fun, is sometimes seeing the 'mutual friends' list. For someone who went to the same school or college as me, I would expect a list consisting of people from the same institution as mutual friends, and that is no surprise. Sometimes there are suggestions for people, whom I I have never known, and so I check if there are any mutual friends, since I cannot really trust my memory, whole and sole. And there in that list would be a friend from school, one from work, another I know through blogs, and just makes me wonder, if in fact there really is just six degrees of separation. And how in fact strangers are not really all that unknown to us.

And then there has to be something that really gets my goat ofcourse. I love, and I mean absolutely love seeing the photos of my friends on Facebook. But each time there is a new set of photos up there, and I comment on them, because I really cannot resist, or even 'like' them, my mailbox is them full of a million messages regarding every other comment on those photos that have followed mine. And then the 3 or 4 meaningful messages in my inbox, hidden within 50 from Facebook, often get overlooked or sent to the trash. When I comment on a photo, I don't have any desire to know who else did, unless the person whose pic it is, responds to the comment or someone directs something at me. I try resisting my comments, till a few days after the photos have been posted, but very very rarely succeed, and that means a huge deluge of notification mails will flood my Inbox unnecessarily. And I hate that.

Tell me people, all of those who use Facebook, do you love it, hate it, or like me find somethings nice, and some not so much about it.

Of Parenting

When, if ever, is the right age for parents to leave their child in the care of others, is a question that keeps coming to me often these days, since we started sending the BB to the care centre. I have a million doubts about, whether I am doing the right thing or not? The GP is much more determined on this front, and is sure that we need to let him be, for him to grow and learn. I do agree about the growing and learning bit, but, I still am not sure.

Anyone who has been reading me, is sure to know that I am quite a paranoid mother. I work hard at keeping it in check, but sometimes it gets to me. After we shifted to this place, the BB has finally had the opportunity to spend time regularly with kids of his age, at the playgroup, the care centre, the park. And I am very happy about it, what concerns me though, are the things he ends up learning at times. The BB has, so far never been an aggressive or violent child. No, he is no angel, and can quite scream and cry his heart out when things don't go his way, and be a complete brat when it so pleases him, but he is not aggressive in his attitude or behaviour with other kids. Correction, was not. Overnight, it seems, he has learnt to push, shove and horror of horrors, grab the throat. I have seen the kids at the centre, push and hit each other, playfully, when I go to drop the BB there, and I was a little concerned about it, but to see him pick it up so soon, I really don't know what to do. It is quite mortifying as a parent, to know, that a child, we think we are bringing up well, go and push or shove another child. And yet, I realise after a lot of thinking, that it is all a part of his learning curve, possibly, time for his first lesson in selective learning, from what he sees around him.

He needs to spend time with children his age, to facilitate a normal social development, and when I let that happen, I cannot control what he learns from there. And we cannot hand pick the kids he spends his time with, just as we cannot hand pick the people we work, go to school or move around with. The important thing is know what to learn and what to leave out from what we see all around ourselves. Brings me back to my original thinking, that we can only impart, or rather try to impart the right values and principles to our children, and hope they use it well, because they will eventually leave the nest someday. But isn't three a age too young to impart values, and expect them to stick to them all the time. And hence I wonder, what in fact is the right age to let a child, infact go solo. Had we been in India, I would not have a choice but to send him to school/pre-school by now. And it would not necessarily be a place of my choice! Coming back to learning things that are not-so-good, I am again divided on what to teach him here. I have started consistently repeating that he needs to be nice to his friends, not hurt them, share his things and such, but what also worries me is, that what should he do, if it is being done to him? I have had doubts about this earlier and still do. Possibly teaching him, never to be the first one to do it, or do it to kids who are not bothering him are the first step, but I wonder how often would a child remember what his mother told him at home, when he is out there with other kids playing. I do understand it is a part of growing up, possibly the first instance in his life, where he will learn the importance of selecting what he absorbs. And yet, he seems to be too young for it all.

Over the past few years, I have come to realise parenting is the biggest test in self-doubt. We end up second guessing ourselves at every step. Was this the right way to go or not, should I be doing things this way or another and the list is endless. At the end of the day, what really matters is that we try our best to impart the right values, or in the least, help the child develop his own value system. And I guess every trying step now, is just a way of reaching that ultimate goal. And there is no doubt that he is also learning nice things being with other kids, and that can never be discounted, just because of a few things learnt, which we don't quite like.

The BB is still at an age, where I can hug and hold him, and soothe away all his troubles. I cannot even express in words, the immense satisfaction it gives me, as a parent, but I also wonder about the times, when this will not be enough. I love being able to make his crying stop, the pain go away, the anger melt, by holding him close. And yet I already see things starting to change, where just a mumma-hug is no longer enough. How hard would it be to see my own child in pain and not being able to make it go away with just a cuddle, and some soft words in a few years from now? I just don't ever ever want to let go of this little mumma-magic I possess, that is so effective till now. And I know it will kill a little bit of me, when it stops working or when it stops being enough!

I Have A 'Partner'

Its been a few weeks now, since I have been wondering about how certain things in Australia are in complete contrast to how it is in India. Small little things keep coming to me every now and then, about how diametrically opposite the two countries are in their social set up. I have neither lived here long enough, nor do I know enough people to know it all, and hence these are just my minimal observations, no absolutes, and definitely no judgments.

I was talking to one of the BB's carers at the day care centre he attends, when I went to drop him. She was talking to me and mentioned the GP as, 'your partner'. It took me a second to let it sink in. And there have been a few other occasions, when I was asked if I had a partner, or who is my partner and such like. When we were newly married, it used to take both the GP and me quite a bit of effort to use the words husband and wife, to talk about each other to others, but over seven years, that has kind of sunk in. Though I still prefer mentioning the GP by his name, instead of as 'my husband', but the 'husband' has infact become a familiar territory. And now it goes to partner. I can imagine in my head going back to India and mentioning to the GP as my 'partner' and getting the looks, and sniggers. (Just to mention, not everyone I know in India is open minded, liberated and ultra modern.) Infact back in India, if anyone mentioned someone as their partner, I would not really know what exactly to make of it. What I am still not clear about here, is whether, 'partner' is the general umbrella term for anyone who is a boyfriend/girlfriend/live-in-partner/husband, or is it just about someone one lives with. Whatever it is, I will need to now condition myself to accept the fact that I have a 'partner'!

Having grown up in India, in the era of Doordarshan, population control is ingrained in every cell of my being. Remember the seedy ads of Nirodh and Mala D? Pseudo intellectuals like me, thrive on the illusion of being 'educated' and aware of our birth control needs. People who go beyond the two child limit, set by the hum do hamaare do(Two of us and two of ours) slogan of the government agencies quite seem like nincompoops, who can only claim to be lame. And then there are financial constraints ofcourse, each child born would require donations for admissions from the around-the-corner playschool right up to their PhD degree if they wish to slog till then. That is what my mind is used to thinking as the way to be. And here I come to Australia, a land where the government pours in huge amounts of money in the hands of parents, each time they add to the population of the country. Pretty much every mother I meet here has three children or more, almost every time I see families out on weekends and holidays, they are with three or four kids. And it has yet to stop striking me as being in such stark contrast to urban India, where we usually have atleast one and in many cases two parents per child. Coming from a country which is bursting at seams, with the amount of people it has, to a country, that is desperately trying to increase its population, the difference would not be lost even on the blind.

One of the things I am loving here, is greeting or atleast smiling at people, we pass by, on the streets or parks, and even if its a male, my smiling at him does not mean anything more than a polite greeting. Its easier to just nod or smile, than to force my line of sight elsewhere, when another human being is in close proximity. I used to hate having to do that earlier, that or stony stares returned in the like, smiling at an unknown male was quite out of the question of course. A friend, who brought in his Indian bride here, was rather worried at how she would blend in, since she never smiled at unknown people, or even the people handling the cash counters at different stores, which is quite the norm around here. And the reason was simple enough, we don't really go around smiling at everyone back home, because its not taken well in the Indian social structure. And to change a habit held for close to three decades in a few months, is not a mean task. While a girl or woman smiling at random strangers maybe taken as a definition of bad character somewhere, not doing the same is perceived as being rude some place else.

The one thing I am desperately missing here though, is my favourite juice, the orange-carrot blend, without additives. Its crazy to see how every damn bottle/tetra-pack of juice that I pick up, has additives. The funniest was, one that boldly claimed 'no added sugar', and had sucrose in its ingredients. Even the ones without preservatives or sugar, have added vitamins and taste enhancers. There is virtually no option of buying additive-free juice. So even the possibly healthy drink option of a juice, is not quite that healthy, once you do look at the contents. If there is some place that sells, additive-free, plain and simple juice, I am still to find it. In fact, for the first time in my life, I have actually started looking at labels and the ingredients before buying the products.

And with each passing day, these little things are feeling a little less different to me, hopefully a sign that I am settling in. And yet it is quite impossible to not always be able to spot the difference, when I have grown up in society which varies so much in certain ways. I am making a new home here, but the one I have grown up in, will always hold a special place in my heart!

Honesty - My Journey, My Way

Honesty is a value I hold above most others, in life. If you have been reading my blog, you know that it is in fact very important to me. But the interpretation of honesty has changed drastically for me, over the years. And I believe it is still evolving, though I would say I am in a happy place with my interpretation of it right now.

I was not a particularly honest child, when I look back. There was a lot of lying to save my hide from whipping as a kid. Lied through my teeth about test scores, getting in trouble in school, or anything at all that could get me into trouble with my parents or teachers. I don't think honesty as a concept meant anything to me, as a child, all I cared about, was to not get into trouble with elders. Hiding bad test results, tops the list ofcourse, and the number of stories I invented, I think I deserve some award for that! I have many funny tales to tell about those years now, hopefully someday to my grand-kids.

Then as a teenager, especially during the college years, it seems honesty came to mean, saying just about anything I thought or felt. It was all about speaking the truth. There was no stopping, no controlling, no censoring, what ever was spoken, had to be the truth. If a friend tried on a new body spray, that I did not particularly like and asked me how it smelled, prompt was the reply, "Yuck!". The fact that she felt bad, and I obviously knew that she did, did not make much of a difference. No filter was in place. being brazen was equated to honesty. It happened with me, and most of my friends, besides the few very sensible and matured ones. Though we knew, that giving an honest opinion or account of something may cause hurt or pain to someone, we dished it out anyways, because that was being outrageously honest! Honesty somehow was defined by being rude, it basically meant being able to dish out the ugly truth, no filters. I don't know if it was teenage arrogance, or if it hits everyone, but it definitely took a strong hold of me. While honesty in itself is a wonderful thing, but what I had then, does not seem nice to me today. Honesty cannot be a great thing, if it hurts can it? While the rest of the honesty bit seemed to be on track, but it was the blurting out of the unpleasant, without a thought, that marked 'honesty' back then. And that is what I distinctly remember as 'my honesty' in those times.

During the teenage years and for years into my twenties, my honesty was also defined as being an open book to everyone. Honesty equaled having no secrets in my books in those years. It had been true for most of my life, but these years were marked by the the nothing-to-hide attitude. It seemed like the whole world needed to be aware of every detail of my life, and that meant I was honest(huh??? Even I cannot get the logic of it now). This included defending my choices, explaining them in depth and more, to people who could not care less, and who did not need to know. But the foolish me equated that to being honest, and that is way it was.

And now, just a few days back, while chatting with a very dear friend, I realised, where my honesty really lay, and how calming this kind of honesty is. We were discussing something, and she pointed out very honestly that she felt I was being overly affected, and critical of something. It was completely honest, it was her clear and true opinion. And yet, she added, that she was just being bluntly honest, without any diplomacy, and she hoped I did not mind it. It did not really matter, since we are quite close. But those words mattered, because it showed that she cared, and that she did not want me to hurt, even slightly. And it is the fact that she cared about my feelings, more than just putting her honest opinion across, that ensures that our bonding remains. And that today defines honesty for me, truth that has meaning, and is pleasing. I don't need to be dishonest, all I need to do is care. Care about the feelings of others, and be honest in a way, that is truthful, but not hurtful. My honesty is not defined by aggression, nor is being genuine equated with having my life published for public consumption. I am honest but no longer brazen, candid, but not transparent. Honesty is now, what spreads happiness, and never ever hurts. It is what is honest in deed, more than words, and the act which is done with purity of heart and an honest purpose in mind. And I love honesty, the way I understand it now.

Connected Or Stressed?

Every now and then, I wonder, with the boom of social networking sites, the e-mail revolution, job sites and more, is it possible for anyone to really disconnect any more? There was a time, about a decade or so back, when e-mail was a novelty, atleast to the likes of me, when letters were written with the precious effort needed to glide a pen over paper in various shapes, envelopes, stamps, postcards, inland letters and such were laboriously sourced from the closest post office, and then written letters were actually dropped into a letter-box, and we hoped and prayed the letter would be delivered at the desired destination. Ofcourse those were also the days that a single 'speed post' from Bombay to Delhi would take over 7 days for delivery. And yet, they were nicer, simpler, easier days. Atleast that is what I think.

I cannot live without a cell phone now, I know it. Well, technically and medically I will be alive, but not practically. I don't think I remember a single phone number verbatim, its so easy to just go to the contacts list and dial, and all numbers are so conveniently stored there. And my new phone has provision for over ten numbers per person, there are various categories of mobile phones, landlines and such. While it does make life convenient, I also think it makes me extremely dependent. If I am in an emergency situation, where my phone is dead, I will be unable to contact anyone, simply because I don't know their number, even though I maybe calling them up every other day. I cannot even term it as funny. Worse still is the fact that one can never be alone, or in peace. The mobile usually ends up becoming a physical appendage to most owners, glued to their bodies at all times, and making them available to answer calls at all times of the day or night. I still remember the absolutely abhorred, calls advertising some scheme/product/card I used to get on my phone almost each evening, just as the local would draw into my station, and I would be ready to battle to get my foothold into the ladies compartment. All tensed and ready, the phone would be heard ringing, not knowing who it is, I would dive into my bag, find it, and the caller would be advertising some godforsaken thing, and by the time this happened, the compartment was packed, and I would wait another 15-20 minutes for the next train to come. So basically one with a mobile phone is never alone, unless you step deep into the jungle, or places that have now come be to defined as 'no network coverage zones'. One could ofcourse switch off the mobile, but even the mention of such a proposition would lead to a multitude of horrific gasps, because we can no longer imaging being 'unreachable', that I think has become the new 'untouchable'! Our cell phones are there with us during work, play, sleep, vacations, travel and even during potty-time.

E-mails brought in a revolution like none other. Post offices started closing down, because their services were no longer required, e-mails meant instant connectivity, no more waiting for the intended receiver to receive the post, this was all instantaneous, just like the lightening speed world needed. Being in communication with people overseas, was no longer about expensive calls, or huge amount of stamps, it was just about a practically free e-mail. How simple is that? Even offices no longer required things on paper, just an e-mail was enough, to confirm a tender, an employment, a resignation, a report, an appraisal, pretty much everything. On the social front, the mails led on to chats, which expanded into audio and then video, and then came in social networking sites. So may things, so many ways to be networked, connected, in-touch. So addicted are we, that vacations are no longer vacations, vacations translate into more relaxed time to do leisure networking, and we cannot think of being without our mobile, Internet connection or laptop. And with the easy connectivity, somewhere I believe the quality of our communications have fallen. Why bother with actually composing a new e-mail, when a simply scrap or wall-message would do? We end up sending a private messages on public forums, just because its easier, and for all the claims of making life easier, somewhere it just takes away from our commitments and efforts at maintaining and respecting our relationships. Having over a hundred friends on facebook, I think there are barely fifteen or twenty of those, I do actually count as friends, the rest don't matter to me, and nor do I to them.

And yet I am glued, as are many of you. Checking mails at all times, the twitter updates, or the blog comments, the facebook feeds. I think I am more stressed for all these reasons than relaxed. It makes my life more jumbled and confused, it is obviously taking its toll on my poor eyes, and the mind which can never ever just simply shut itself down, because I don't let it. So what is the point in all this? I can access a lot more information more conveniently than before, and it can be a huge blessing, as I have learnt from pregnancy and new-mum days. And yet the stress, the over connectedness, the lack of being able to be completely free, it gets to me too. At the end of the day, I am not sure if all these amazing revolutions have actually improved the quality of our lives or just given us more to handle on our platter, leaving us more stressed than before.

Mediocrity For Inspiration

Aim for the stars and you will atleast reach the moon.

A saying so true and so meaningful, and yet so simply put. I had first come across this when I was in primary school, and somehow the saying has always stayed with me since then. I really believe that we should set our goals at thplise highest possible points and work towards it sincerely, so that even if we reach halfway there, its a worthy accomplishment. The aim, the goal, the ideals, should never be small, easy or substandard, if a person wishes to be more than ordinary I believe. And that is why I am surprised how each day the ordinary, the regular and often even the lame is being portrayed as acceptable, and good in the world today. We no longer set ourselves goals worth achieving is what I believe. It has become more a case of whatever one does is right and good. It is human nature I believe to find excuses for our actions, but the sad bit is, that is portrayed to us as good, even great in our world today.

My thoughts here are probably in complete contrast to that of everyone else, but that is what it is, and I believe in them with all my heart and soul. There was a time, not long ago, when the personalities in books and movies, were people with great morals, tremendous strength of character, characters, who inspired us, made us want to be better people. But just look at what we have for inspiration in the current productions of literature and cinema. A protagonist who is a crook, achieves things by conning and cheating others, falls prey to the weaknesses of his mind, has no strength of character is what we get in most of what cinema or literature has to offer today. And it is not just that such things are dished out, but the fact that this is praised and admired, and appreciated by people, that I don't quite get.

I loved the old movies, where every character is what one ideally should be. The widowed mother, who works hard to earn the pennies to educate her child, the man who would go without food and water, rather than bend his principles, the woman who would marry a widowed man with a child, to be the mother to the child, and forgo her own love for that, these things inspire me. They inspire me to be a better person, to be able to sacrifice my happiness for that of others, to place the needs of others ahead of my own. In Hindi cinema of the previous era, the women, people say, were portrayed as props, or in regressive roles. I completely and totally disagree. I think the women then were stronger better characters, than the ones we have today.

Is it regressive for a woman to love her children, and take care of her family? Is it regressive if a woman is virtuous, or is it regressive if she is strong enough to sacrifice her own happiness for those of others or if she choses her principles over material success? Those are women who inspire me to be a better person. In a world where instant gratification is all that matters, cinema has taken a turn along the same route. It shows us what our society is, sometimes worse, and portraying it in a way, which glorifies, all that needn't be. It makes everything look good, everything that is infact not so good. A con artist becomes a hero, a rich spoilt brat becomes a protagonist, a mean man can form the crux of an entire story. And what I think, really bothers me in this, is that I am surrounded by mediocrity or worse, and have nothing better even in the world of fiction to inspire me.

No, it is not for the elite to get inspired by cinema or idolise what cinema shows, but for an average Jane like me, it matters. It matters because I see it, and it does leave an imprint on my mind. It shows me that an eve-teaser can be a hero, and not a villain. I am no longer shown greatness to idolise, but things that would possibly downgrade me as a person from being what I currently am. Why do we not realise that reality is all around us, weakness, failings of others, what we need to see is what is special, a show of strength, true human spirit, something that will make us want to be better persons. Why do people praise the 'realism' in cinema, when all it is showing us is how we as people succumb to our petty wants and desires, instead of overcoming them, and being better people.

Not just cinema, it shows even in society. I see it everywhere, in people I meet, in the news I read, infact even in the blogs, and that is because these are real people with real failings and problems. So how does reading a book , or watching a movie show me any better? Mediocrity of thought and action, is praised, appreciated, and taken to be the way to be. No one sets the standards high any more, for things that really count. And I just don't get why. Why do we not want to set higher standards for ourselves, why is everything we do right or acceptable, or just fine? It is real, I agree, failings, and faults are but human, but if we make it that acceptable, do we even try to be better or improve? Anything that we are not, is shunned as unrealistic or regressive, the fact is that some of those things are not regressive, they are ideal. Shunning them, or criticising them, just means that we are closing our mind to even the possibility of being better, stronger people. Why don't we have Howard Roarks and Satyakams in our literature and cinema any longer? Why don't we see Mother India or Jane Eyre more often in what we read and watch? Why does our current lot of literature and cinema have so little to inspire. I rue not being surrounded, by characters who are strong, good people, characters who would inspire me to be better, would provide a good role model, and people that I would aim to be, and would hopefully reach half way.

It is not easy to find ideal people in the real world, fiction atleast could provide us with such people, and inspiration. People who make us want to be them, or atleast try.

True Equality - Freedom Of Choice

The International Woman's Day has brought up some really good posts all over the blog world, and some thoughts within me have been better crystallised, after reading some of these. I read this well articulated post by M4, talking about gender equality on Woman's Day. She talks about her personal experience about how the women are not given equal rights, even in a situation, when one loses a parent. Its saddening, and cruel indeed. I am quoting her here, on something else she said, and I absolutely loved reading it, for the smirk it brought on my face.

"Most urban men these days think that marrying a non-virgin is a sign that they are not an MCP. Yet, these very same men expect you to put their family before yours, without returning the favour. Chauvinism lives on..."

So true, and so true indeed. Where does this end? And what is true equality then, I wonder, because when in the Indian society a man is happily and openly marrying a non-virgin, we would think true equality has been reached, because finally men are being able to accept the fact that a woman they marry, might not have bred from the day she was born to be his wife, and yet it has not. Because this same man, after marriage, is not able to accept the fact that his wife has her own family, whom she loves and wants to devote her time, and energies towards, that they too are his family, if he expects his family to be hers. This to me is curbing her freedom, her choice. And as long as that happens, there is absolutely no equality.

My views on old customs and rituals will not match those of most liberals or modernists. I have my own, interpretation of them. No I don't side with dowry or Sati(the practice of burning a woman alive on the pyre of her dead husband) or male polygamy or any madness like that, but my interpretation, and understanding of most things, blindly shunned in the name of being modern is very very different. But that is not what I am writing about. What I am writing about is equality, as I see it. And if a woman is expected to suddenly forget about her parents and siblings, having spent all her growing years with them, just because she is married, it is just simply unfair. Not only is it detrimental to women's rights in the broader social spectrum, but it is also hurts the relationship that exists between the couple. And why should a man decide what a woman should or should not do, against her free will, whether she wishes to be with her own parents or not, whether she wants to accept his family as her own or not, show be totally and completely on her own free will, and in there lies true equality.

Equality for me, is not a situation where men and women do the same thing, or have the same rights. Au contraire, that to me is the exact opposite of equality, because that again means curbing freedom of choice, and living defined roles. I define equality as equal freedom of choice. Where both a man and woman can choose what they want to do equally freely, that to me is true equality. In the world we live today, equality has come to mean equal pay, equal education, equal work. To me its the exact opposite of what it claims to be. I like being at home, and taking care of the family and my home. I have the freedom to choose to do just that, and to me that defines equality. Now in the name of equality, if I am forced to go out, work, earn, inspite of that, not being what I wish to do, to me that is not equality, it is as bad a case of discrimination as is not educating the girl child just because of her gender. I believe in some ways we have just gone from one extreme to other, with nothing much really changing, a woman still doing things to appease the society and family as and how applicable.

The honest fact is a woman is still judged, and observed at every point in time, no matter what kind of a society she lives in. She is judged and unfairly punished for being seen with another man, who is not her relative in the Taliban regime, and she is criticised for wasting her time at home, and letting her education go to waste of she stays home in a modern society. So though in complete extremes, the situation remains the same. A woman is not free to do what pleases her without being criticised or admonished. And hence equality still remains to be real freedom of choice for a woman.

I changed my surname after marriage, because I wanted to, it was my own free will. I am at home, because I want to be, and no one dares point a finger at me. I will work, whether for money or not, when I want to, and even that will be my own free will. In my own home, I sometimes believe that I have more freedom and choice than my other half. Because he does not have the choice to quit his job and pursue some leisure activities, as and when he pleases, atleast not till the day I decide I will work for pay, that is enough to take care of my family financially. I wear what I wish to, and choose my friends as and who I feel comfortable being with. And that to me means I am equal and maybe even more in some ways, because I am free to choose what happens with my life. Isn't that what equality supposed to make women feel like? Free and happy, not bound by definitions or expectations?

A small thought.

I had been to a new playgroup with the BB today. This group was quite multicultural. There were Chinese, Greek, French and Indian people, besides the Australians ofcourse. There were two Indian mothers, and most of the time, I saw them closeted with each other, talking in Hindi. Once in a while I joined them, and at one of those instances, found one of them in tears talking about how she wants to go to her mother in India, who is ill, and her husband is not consenting. And what struck me was, that chuck the language issues, and everything else, would any of the other mothers even understand her heartbreak, if the lady chatted up about this with any of the others, I guess not, they would in probability be flabbergasted, and find the whole situation quite incomprehensible. Though many Indian women would disapprove of the situation, and find it sexist, unfair etc, but we would atleast understand teh context she comes from, and what it entails, whereas it would be simply so alien to a non-Indian person. And so in some ways, we are really away, no matter how far we geographically are from the country, isn't it?