Don't XOXO Me

Its been a while now, since I have been receiving e-mails, and text messages, signed off with an 'XX' or an 'XO'. Being the dud that I am, I did not initially get it, and let it be thinking it is something cool, I am just not in touch with. Then I got to watching Gossip Girl, and finally got what it meant. It is a 'cool' way of saying hugs and kisses, the XOXO. OK! and so people were actually sending love across to me, all this while, but I did not get it. How good is that, it makes me wonder.

It was recently, that I realised, that some values, are eternal. They cannot be trespassed in the name of modernity, or being cool. Its a world today, where people find it acceptable to not respond to messages, even wishes for that matter, where the scandalous has become not just acceptable, but even the norm, and the worst of it being, that actually saying that, we find something unethical or immoral unacceptable, makes the person 'un'cool. And I decided, that I will no longer accept what feels wrong to me instinctively, just to be accepted in a group of people. Well, hopefully I will write a more detailed post on this some other time.

Love, I believe is the most powerful emotion in the world. Not just the kind that transcends into a physical, sexual thing, but every form of it. Between friends, parents and children, siblings, and just two human beings who feel it for each other. Hugs and kisses are an expression of that emotion. These actions and emotions are conveyed by certain words. And the association gives those words the positive power. So why then would I take away from it, in anyway at all. I don't get it. What is the thought process behind this?

I remember long back, having a discussion with a friend, regarding abusive parenting, and she had said that even the verbal abuse, name calling, was a form of the parents expressing love. I was surprised, and replied, 'For all the loving words that exist in the world, why would anyone use abusive ones, to express a so called affection. There is a reason affectionate words exist as such in the dictionary.' And I have the same reasoning here. 'Love','hugs','kisses' such beautiful words, conveying such amazing emotions, why would I replace it with symbols, which also reflect wrong(X) and nothingness(O)? Sometimes I really wonder if the world is hurtling down a black hole, just because we don't spend time to think about our actions, and just jump in, to join the bandwagon of other mindless people following someone else.

I would much rather write, and have written to me words full of emotion and affection, than symbolism, which does not make sense, and in many ways represent the exact opposite of what is intended. Send me love, hugs and kisses people, don't need cross-n-knots.

Any new trend that bothers you, makes you feel that its all wrong and senseless?

Of Duryodhan And Yudhishthir

Its really been ages, since I read or even heard the Mahabharat. I hope I someday get to read the unabridged version of it. Its a tale, where every page has a lesson for the keen reader, where every word has a spiritual parallel. Its as interesting and as complex as a plot can get.

Today, when I sat down to write this post, I was suddenly reminded of this bit from the epic. Details, are foggy in this old hag-brain of mine, what I do remember though, is the basic story. At one point in the youth of the Pandavs and Kauravs, Duryodhan was told to go and find one man, who he felt was truly and completely virtuous, Yudhishthir on the other hand was told to go out and find a man, he felt was completely evil. I think the task was set for them by Bhishma, and they were given a time limit of six months, but I maybe completely wrong on both counts. However, at the end of the time period, both the young princes return without a man they felt, suited their search. On being asked why, Duryodhan said that, even the best man he saw, had some flaw or evil in him, which prevented him from being completely virtuous, and Yudhishthir said, that even the worst man he could find, had atleast one redeeming virtue in him.

Just shows that how the world is in fact a reflection of our own mind and thoughts. The world around us is as good or as bad, as is our own mind. It is what we have in our minds, that is reflected in what is outside. And that is the reason, why the same thing, does not feel the same to two different persons. I have noticed that when I am in a melancholy mood, pretty much everything I look at, adds to it, while the same things feel neutral or joyous at other times. When I am upset, I am flooded with all bad memories from the past, even things that mean nothing anymore. And those memories, just work to increase my anxiety. On the other hand, there have been times, when I am happy, and I have gone ahead and called people, who I had swore to myself, I would never speak to again. Suddenly people, who I disliked, do not seem to deserve so much of my wrath or dislike anymore. And then I realise, how happy would a person like Yudhishtir be, because he sees the good more than he does the bad. What a virtuous man he himself must be to have an outlook like that.

So could our view of the world around us, be the simplest test of what kind of person we are then? And is our happiness, infact all in our own mind?

What Do You Give Your Child?

A love for books,
or maybe a taste for music,
Or would it be a brain for numbers,
A passion for sports it could be,
Or maybe even cinema.

Painting, dancing, birds and animals, or even spirituality. There are so so so many things to choose from. So what is it that you give your child? I am sure most in the blog-world would love to instill in their children a love and passion for reading, but then I am sure there are just as many out there who want their children to have a good ear for music, or whatever else they hold dear to them. And when I see parents around me taking so much loving effort to instill in their child, a passion, a hobby, or a love, I wonder what to do with mine?

Each one seems so passionate about what they foster into their offspring, that I get inspired by each and every one of them, and finally end up being a Jack of all trades master of none with the BB. And in this process, I have learned that I cannot do it all. I cannot get him to sing, dance, read, hop, jump, play, paint and more all in one go. Or atleast not with equal gusto. So what then do I do? Isn't he too young for me to pick a single skill a passion to instill. Isn't this the time he learns, sees, explores and picks out what he loves the most, I think. At the end of the day, I don't want to push him either way, I want him to go ahead, and be what he wants to be, and do what he wants to do. (Only hope I have enough money in the bank to transfer in his name, incase he wants to just be a street-side artist!) And yet I need to show him the choices he has.

I know he is introduced to everything in his day-care centre, and I know of parents who play mental-maths quizzes with their kids all day long. I know I have been the person who thought getting a management degree would be the pinnacle of her life. And I thank God that, it did not happen, because it would have been such a sheer and colossal waste of money, on an undiplomatic, non-corporate work worthy person like me. I know now, that the last kind of job I am suitable for is corporate management. But, then, I did not know any better. I knew about studies, school, college, professional degrees and that was it. I don't want the BB's vision to be narrowed in anyway like that. I want him to be free to look around and decide what he wants in his life.

A little too young for me to think so much you say, but believe me it is not. Because somewhere in life, the seeds of the kind of person we are, are sown in childhood. And I definitely don't want to bungle up here. No I am no perfect parent, I am as flawed, and imperfect as can be. But then I have my priorities too, and one of the main ones being, to give my child the freedom to choose his own life. Not to say I will not guide him, or instill in him humane values, but he has to choose the purpose of his life himself. I don't want it set upon him in anyway at all. While I want him to like books, music, the outdoors and some other things, I am worried that I should not force any of them on him. Now maintaining the right balance would be one tough job isn't it? Because what I truly want to give my child, is freedom, to carve out a path of his choice in life. Where he can follow his dreams and passions as he likes.

Till just a little while ago, I was so worried, about what he would learn from the world around him. When he was little, I could control the environment he lives in, the people he sees, but that was not to be the way all his life. I used to worry then, about him learning 'bad things' from the world outside.(To be clear I was not an all good influence, but then as I said, it was a controlled environment.) So once the BB started playschool, and his day-care sessions, he started coming home with a mixed bag of learnings. Some I liked, some not so much. And my initial reaction to it, like it is to most things that upset me, was panic. I was aghast, when I learnt that he was pushing other children. Oh! no, I thought. This is just because of the other kids, how else would he ever have learnt to push others like that. Yes, I am a fool that way. But this also helped me learn one of the bigger lessons of parenting. What is the test of a parent, whose child has no external influences to test him. The BB, maybe yet too young, for such huge philosophical statements, but the lesson has come to me in time, before he grows older, and I am in a constant state of panic. The important thing is for a child to go out, see, observe, learn and most importantly have the sense to select what he learns. It is upto me to teach him the guiding values and principles, which help him pick and choose. And that is no easy task I reckon!

After a really long time, I was browsing the newspapers online, and I came across this article, which really shocked surprised me. It talks of a man who is a master of astro-genetics, who used his knowledge to have children of a preferred sex twice(male of course) and to have a genius child the third time round(male again ofcourse!). The genius son is now all of 22, and stepping into IIT, Powai as a professor. I know a lot of parents out there who want their kids to be a genius, or a musical maestro or some other thing like that. There are plenty of tennis dads out there. But, what I do know for sure is, that as a parent, I would want my child to be just normal, and most importantly happy. I would never ever want to tweak the circumstances, to create something 'better', unless physical ailments are the cause of concern. The children we do have are the best that we can, and we love them for who they are. This kind of manipulation, takes the concept of 'conditional love' from parents to new heights. Scary, and scary indeed.

Are We Weaklings?

Where are we today as people of the world? What are we heading towards? What are our goals, our missions? I wonder often about these things, about what is it that we are looking for. And I don't seem to get the responses I would like. Even within my ownself.

Somewhere I feel, we are a misguided lot, being led on like lambs to the slaughter, by the devil disguised as the enticing have-it-all. Sounds strange isn't it? But when was the last time you heard someone say, my aim is to be more honest, or more helpful or more charitable? But I am sure we have often heard others as well as ourselves say, I want to own another house, get a raise, make XYZ amount this year, bring my body weight to ABC kgs. And in these small monetary and materialistic goals, have the bigger, humane goals been lost somewhere?

I don't remember the last time I deprived my self of something that I really wanted and donated the money instead, to someone who really did need it, for something as basic as food or clothes. How many of us even aim to do that? How often, if ever have we heard someone say, my goal this year is to donate atleast half of my earnings to charity, or take a few weeks off work and help the people who need it? In my case the answer is never. And it is this that makes me wonder where are we as a community of people headed?

What are our real goals and ambitions in life? Making more money, getting a promotion, being thinner? Good things in themselves, but is that all we want for ourselves, is that all we believe we are capable of achieving? I think we underestimate and devalue ourselves tremendously when we limit ourselves by such goals. There are then some who aim to read more books, expand their knowledge of music or learn a new skill, and yet again I think we are limiting our potential here. These are wonderful things when we look at it from the practical world, and yet somehow, I feel that they are not what changes or improves the core of the person we are. I will never underestimate the value of reading, music or learning new things, but is that enough for us to progress as persons, spiritually?

I for one, never make new year resolutions, simply because they do not translate to anything more than words in my life. And yet, I know a lot of people who do. And of all those who have shared their's with me, I have never come across even one, which said things like I will be kind to animals this year, I will not say a bad word about anyone, I will stand up against what is wrong, I will not be greedy or demanding. How does this, then, represent us as a society of humans. Are we too absorbed with the material to want more, to actually unleash our true potential and achieve it. It scares me to think that in ways we are actually, being just mediocre and proudly so.

Often our vices are now, labeled as our personality, individuality, and left at that. I am moody, I am short-tempered, I am impatient. These are the kind of statements I hear often, and use them myself too. What saddens me is, we say it as a statement, sometimes even arrogantly, not wanting to change it one bit. We actually proudly claim these vices to be ours. Why? Why is it no longer thought of as a vice, as a corruption to our character that we should try to get rid off. Why is it used as a badge of pride instead? If we do not understand these qualities as a malignance in the wholeness of our persona, how can we ever think of eliminating them. And with each person proudly hugging their flaws, where exactly does that lead the society, which is comprised of people like us? Shallowness, materialism, weakness and yet full of arrogance?

In reality it is weakness, because we as human beings have such huge potentials, we can move mountains with our minds alone, and yet we give in, and do not even try to win over the smallest evils in us. We give in and let the vices rule us instead. It saddens me, because it feels like seeing a huge fercious lion, watching a small little deer, walk by, and not attack it, saying, oh well, why take the effort to run and hunt, let me just be lazy and sit around instead. And eventually that is what will kill him, because he needs the food to nourish his strong body, and without that his body will become weak and eventually he will perish. That is exactly what the virtues are for the human mind, the food that nourishes it and keeps it strong and flourishing. Our vices, weaken it, diminish its strength and finally leads to its demise.

Why do we not decide to do something to nourish our souls each day, each time we make a resolution, even if for just a day? Like each time I think, today I will try to lose weight by not eating anything oily, let me also think, and today I will also not say a bad word about anyone, or today I shall tell no lies, no matter what, or today I will send a good thought out for the person I hate the most. It will be tough no doubt, probably tougher than avoiding deep fried chips and pakodas, and yet it will make me that much stronger and better as a human being. And I think each day it will just get easier, till, one day I find, that, that is what is now me, my nature and I no longer need to make the effort to be that way. Imagine a society where most people are like that, whole, strong and pure. The way we were intended to be when we were created.

[This post is more of an introspection, than any kind of accusation. This is not meant to offend anyone, but was meant as an analysis of myself, and of what I see around me, what I think needs to be changed, more so in me than anyone else. ]

Of Relationships

Relationships are strange things I have come to believe, fun, complicated, mystical, and many a times quite beyond my comprehension. Most times they are fun and nice, but every now and then there are little squeaks and creaks, just like old floor boards, which are usually quite incomprehensible to me, but throw the thing completely off balance. I am not talking about relationships, that are casual, the types we label as just friends or acquaintances, but the ones that come from the heart, where we form bonds, put down our masks and guards, and are free to be what we really are.

Relationships I have come to believe are best maintained with people who, are individually related or known to one. I meet X in the school/college/training/work/bus/pub/theatre/library, like him/her, and decide to be friends with. Works out much better than, liking and being friends with X, where he/she is a friend of or related to one of my friends/relatives/acquaintances/colleagues. The dynamics of any relationship between just two individuals alone, is forever changing. Where two human minds are involved, which are never stable, or stuck in just one place, the possibilities are many. But throw in the midst a few more people, with their own stakes in the line that connects me and X, and it surprises me, that things even reach the point of a friendship. I for example, quite like my friend's sister. In fact, I think I gel better with her, than my friend herself. She gets along just fine with me too, but then my friend may not like it. More likely than not, as adults no one is likely to come up and say what they really feel, and things can suddenly turn sour without me realising what happened. Not only do I then lose the new friend, but also an older relationship.

Relationships are like investments, just more precious!

They really are I tell you. Just like monetary investments, relationships need to be invested in and nurtured with immense care and caution. And believe me, carelessness is what kills more relationships than anything else. A bit of taking for granted, or some just not making an effort, and sometimes just plain laziness. These things matter, especially when it comes to relationships that matter. And yet again, even with all of that it is not a 100% thing, simply because just like the stock exchange, there are no guarantees here either. And then there is always the case of when things change. People, situations, circumstances, other relationships. Anything, anytime may change, and it affects relationships.

What affects me more in case of relationships, is when instead of a clean break, where I can mope about a loss, cut my losses and move on, the relationship becomes a caricature of what it originally was, a fake hollow shell. That becomes a cross to bear for the rest of my life, and its just not my thing. I cannot go from being best buds to I-am-just-tolerating-you and maintain a relationship on face value, just does not work for me. But then that is just me, zero skills in the department of diplomacy.

Then there is the possibility of misunderstandings. Just recently I had one, with a friend, who is very dear to me. (Yes, I am talking about you! And hope the misunderstanding is cleared up.) We are very different temperamentally. If I am genda phool she is a long-stemmed rose, I am rustic, basic, blunt, she is artistic, deep and talented. But somewhere we connect, and it is wonderful. And yet, the written word which does not convey our tone, led to a misunderstanding. When I received her mail, I was surprised, because I never realised that I had written anything to upset her at all, only when I re-read it, did I realise, that without my mocking scowl, and clown-like expressions, the words alone could in fact have sounded harsh. Just made me realise how frail relationships can really be, especially since we both are secure, strong people, and know that our friendship is much more than frivolous.

And with all these things that can go wrong, is it not really a wonder, when a relationship, that we invest our heart and times into, actually blossoms, and grows. Relationships, that are true, and honest, which truly reflect a bond between two people. Each time, I lose a friend or a relationship goes sour in my life, I do thank God, for the other amazing ones I have in my life, the ones that stand the test of time, change of circumstances and more.

A word from the wise here, please invest very carefully in every relationship in your life. Take your time, never rush in, and think deeply before you let someone into your heart. And when you do, make sure you are ready to fight to keep the person in your life.

Trying To Keep Mum!

I have heard or read somewhere, that the more often we talk about the unpleasant experiences of our lives, the deeper goes its impact. Somehow talking about it, seems to keep reviving the memories of the incident, maybe even, some other unpleasant ones connected to it and just digs deeper into our minds. Its like if I have a fight with a stranger on the street about something, and seethe about it. Then I come back home and tell the GP about it, the anger is revived anew, then I speak to a friend the next day and tell her about it too, and once again the mind gets agitated. And hence each time I talk about it, the agitation, anger, frustration just goes deeper inside my mind. Creating a deeper pocket of negativity.

I think the concept is true, it does indeed happen, the more we talk about it, the more we end up thinking about it, and the more it keeps bothering us. So how easy is it, then to just shut up and not talk about it? Not easy at all, I think. Something happened today, something that would seem rather small, but it got my goat, besides that it triggered a memory of similar past incidents, and just got into the snowball effect. I am trying to get my mind away from it, but then the mind does have a mind of its own. Its easy to fall into the vortex of anger, negative thinking, self pity, bitchiness. So I have taken a proactive step, something I have never done before. I have decided not to talk aloud about it. It is coming to my mind now and again, and it will be easy to just call up someone and talk about it, but I am not doing it. I did tell the GP first off, because it was just too fresh in my mind at that point, but post that I decided to try this experiment, of keeping mum about it. It is hard, very hard, but I am trying. And I am hoping that it works, and I get over it sooner, and better. The three hours of watching Avataar definitely helped.

Tell me how you deal with situations that bother you? Is it always a good idea to tell a friend and lighten your heart and mind? What are the tricks up your sleeve, please do share!

My Way Is The Only Way

How often do we meet people, who cannot accept anything beyond what they think or live, and anyone doing anything differently is very simply judged as wrong. Very often, I would think. Why? I myself was one of them not too long ago, like a horse with blinkers. Every human being by nature would prefer people with similar mindsets or lifestyle. That is but natural, a little skepticism or disapproval of anything different also I believe is natural, but outright judging, that just is extreme. A certain amount of tolerance or acceptance, when absent, makes us narrow minded, and highly judgmental. I have had really funny interactions with such kinds, and it never fails to put a smile on my face when I think of it, at the level that I have experienced it. It just goes on to show such naivete on the part of the perpetrators. And yet when we take it in the broader perspective, how damaging can such a mindset be?

There was a colleague I had in my working days. A young man, settled in Central Bombay since generations. He was quite a few years senior to me in my field of work, and that he had his blinkers tightly ON, had been apparent to me on many many occasions. But the most hilarious was, when one day in office, he suddenly said,

He : Yeh kya nonsense hai? Dadar staion par hamesha announce karte hain, 'yeh Dadar station hai, this is Dadar station.'

Me : Kyon? Isme nonsensical kya hai?

He: Everyone knows Dadar, announce karne ka kya hai?

Me: How can everyone know? There are loads of people who don't know it.

He: (Looking at me incredulously, and with more emphasis) Everyone knows Dadar station.

Me :(Almost giving up, rolling my eyes) No, they don't, a lot of people come from out-of Bombay too.

He just gave me a you-are-a-fool look, and did not say anything. Basically he thought I am just being stupid, and strongly believed that everyone in the world knows Dadar station. Now how many of you reading this, actually know that such a place exists? I for one was unaware till I reached Bombay. But this man, supposedly well educated, and a man of the world, had such an attitude. He had even made a very confident prediction, that I would never leave the job I then had, and would comfortably continue there, till old age. Now we all know, how true that turned out to be, isn't it?

Another incident happened right after I shifted to Sharjah. I had just started blogging, and began reading a mommy blog. The blogger would go out for late night movies, and parties and more. I was amazed, and asked her how she managed with the kids. She replied that she had live-in maids, and I said, 'Oh! No wonder then, that it is so convenient for you. I had never done such things since the BB was born ' At this, she asked me where I live, and I told her. And she said, ' Aah! you live outside, that is why. Everyone in India has maids.' The conviction and confidence with which she said it, made me laugh. How can anyone make such a generalised statement. I myself had just shifted out of India at that point, and had never had a maid for the BB, and I know many many other women in India who don't have maids, even for housework, just as I know many who have a battery of house help working for them. Both kinds exist, and each maintains its own way of living. But the generalisation of the statement by this woman, left me amazed, at her ignorance and her confidence to boost it.

It must be stifling to lead a life, where anything or anyone who is different from me or lives a different lifestyle is unacceptable to me. I was one of those, and I know how hard I have worked to change that mindset, and now being on the other side, I just realise, how full of frustration and angst against the world, I was in my judgmental days. One of my school teachers, infact my favourite one, had told me, very affectionately, when I was leaving school, "GM, you are very judgmental about people, you will have a very tough time, if you don't change that attitude". Me, with the blinkers on, at that time, did not understand it at all then. At that point in time, all I felt was, I am right, and I disapprove of whatever is not. Little did I know then, that there are in fact very few, if any at all, absolute rights or wrongs in this world. But fortunately for me the GP came along and drilled some sense into my brain, and helped me overcome, what I believe was one of the biggest blocks in my self development.

Some people, I think, just get nasty with their judgmental nature, their lack of acceptance of others, and inability to look beyond their own petty existence, which not only hampers their own lives, but breeds a lot of cynicism and negativity around them. It also leads to arrogance, because nothing but themselves and their own views, seem right to them, and that just ends up making them more isolated. It is really tough to make such a person understand anything, but what they believe in,. It is so true, that a change can never be affected superficially, it has to come from within. What worries me further is this kind of a mindset is the breeding ground for the typical me versus them attitude, the place where discrimination begins, and that can be at any level. It can be a Bombay-ite versus a non bombay-ite, a working mother versus an SAHM, a fitness conscious person versus one who is not,people with love marriages versus those with arranged one and then it leads to the larger biases and discrimination that exist. Because at the root of any kind of discrimination, be it racist, casteist, communalist, it is the belief, that, my way is the right way. For example, a north Indian believes his language, way of living , culture is the 'right' way and hence the people from other parts of the country, who have a different set of characteristics are not right. There is a lack of acceptance, a lack of understanding that it is not that if something is not my way, it is not necessarily the wrong way. If educated, thinking people, have such closeted and adamant mindsets is it a surprise that the world today is so divided into a us versus them scenario? How do we then say that a Shiv Sainik or a Muthalik is obnoxious, when the tolerance and acceptance levels are so low even among us?

When I was in Bombay, and working, I had often heard the incredulous tones with which people asked the others, being one of them myself, who did not speak Marathi, "You don't know Marathi, really?". It used to irritate me a lot, because for one there is no rule which says everyone needs to know the language, secondly this was an MNC we were working for, not a vernacular publication, where knowing the language would have been a must, and knowing that particular language was not required in any way at all in our field of work ie computer programming. But it just spoke of their mindset. And then I heard this recently, a Punjaabi man here in Melbourne, could not believe it that a friend of mine, did not know Punjaabi. When my friend narrated the incident to me, I could not stop laughing. I don't know how anyone else would feel about it, but I just laughed, and found it incredulous, how out of touch with reality people can be. And yet, are we then still surprised at how divided the world today is, when people cannot accept anyone who is anything less than a clone of themselves.

The point is,we need to open up our minds, and more importantly our hearts. It is unfair to judge people cynically, just because they have a different set of values from us. It is common sense, and we know it, and yet so many of us just hold onto believing their way to be the only way, so strong , that it leads to so many great prejudices and hard feelings. It is indeed sad and scary to think where it is all leading upto.

Do share any such encounters you might have had with. I am sure we can all use a laugh.

[PS - Please do not take any of the examples/incidents given here personally. They are just examples to illustrate my point, and I am talking about experiences I have had. I am sure there are equal numbers of such people from every part of the world and each community. ]

Humour, That Makes Me Cringe

Something which causes amusement, makes people laugh, or has a hilarious quality to it, is what is called humorous. There is no two ways about the fact that there are many many different kinds of humour, and each has its own kind of appeal, more importantly, each one us enjoy different kinds of humour. And while somethings may make me laugh till I have tears in my eyes, it may do absolutely nothing to someone else. While I am very bad at making people laugh, whether through my writing, or even trying to re-tell tried and tested jokes(they fall flat the way I narrate them), I simply love having my laughs, and I can never stop admiring, people who have the ability to make others laugh or put a smile on their faces. It is indeed a rare gift.

I can laugh at pretty much everything, I enjoy getting my laughs, but humour at the cost of someone else, just never ever amuses me, infact it infuriates me. Toilet humour, grosses me out terribly, but I understand, when people find it funny. But laughing by poking fun at others, something I just cannot stand. It happens pretty much everywhere, all around the place, and it simply sickens me. It has the cruelty label of high-school bullies, it has the markings of insensitivity, and add to that, its usually a group of many picking on one.

Laughing at one self is a quality few posses, and those who do, live their entire life like a laugh, but laughing on others is just a quality of the weak minded bullies in my opinion. One of the most obvious ways to poke fun of someone is by targeting their weight, this obviously applies to the overweight or obese. No one, enjoys being fat, being laughed at about that does indeed hurt. Then of course, there is being picked on because one does not fit in to whatever surroundings the person is in, it can be colour, place, accent, family, anything, absolutely anything at all. Its not funny to laugh on others, it simply is not. And even if you are not the one actively doing it, but just joining in with the laughs, it is not done.

When I was working, and that was eons ago, I remember one of my colleagues, who joined us, and was this very very tall man, shy, reserved and he hardly spoke. He was not good looking, or impressive, belonged to in fact he was reticent. Coming from a small town in Rajasthan, he could not speak English too well, and hence preferred keeping to himself. The older guys in the project, felt it was their birth right to poke fun at him. This was done openly, and their attitude about it, was like that is what is expected of them. It sickened me to the core. I was a fresher, much much junior in the corporate hierarchy, and kept quiet. The guy himself, passed feeble smiles at every joke, and pretended to enjoy them himself. I can never forget those incidences, and more importantly, I cannot forget the nauseating feeling it created within me. Picking on the weaker for a few laughs, what else would better define a bully?

Whatever the reason, I have never been able to join in with laughs, at the expense of someone else, even if they are my sworn enemy. I think its just cheap and demeaning to laugh at someone, it is insensitive and mean. My personal opinion absolutely. Some think its quite OK, done in the spur of the moment, just for laughs, and should be taken in the right spirit, I have never been able to take that line of thought. The nothing personal often added at the end of such sessions, just makes it more disgusting to me. What surprises me, is the way such things happen beyond the walls of high-school, in relatively educated and elite circles. People may have a great sense of humour about themselves, and while most can take being laughed on within a circle of people with whom they feel safe and secure, I doubt anyone, really enjoys walking into a pub and being made the butt of jokes for the evening. I don't think poking fun of others is humorous in anyway at all. A person who can really get laughs, never needs to poke fun of others to do it.

I enjoy santa-banta jokes, adult jokes, situational laughter, comics, humorous blogs. Those are all my kind of humour, what is your kind ?

Morning Mix-Ups and An Old Man

Yesterday morning, I was out for my walk/fitness regime/couch25K program, as part of the DHs insistence that I do it in the morning, and don't pretend to work out in the evening, and be unavailable for family time. Good enough, though it kills me, I am trying to be up a little early, to go out for about twenty odd minutes of lumbering around, and then be back and feed myself off to glory. Yesterday, I had the podcast plugged into my ears, and off I went, and was about 7 or 8 minutes into the program when I hit a road crossing signal. I paused the podcast and waited for my turn to cross. When I got on the other side, I wanted to rewind the podcast just a teeny weeny bit, so that I could retrace some of it, and pffffff it went, back to the previous song on my playlist. What do you think I did, I tried to get it back to the point where I had left it, but could not. I had the option to re-start my walk/run, but the lazy me would never re-do 8 minutes, and so I though it would be best to just head back home, turned around and did just that. I was unhappy, because it felt like I had given up my sweet morning sleep for absolutely nothing!

As I was coming back, yesterday being Monday, I saw the garbage bins of all the houses lined up in front of them, all along the street. Not having the pressure of listening carefully to the instructions being screamed into my ears, and attempting to follow them, makes for a more observant me definitely. At one place I see a few bins lined up, an old man holding on to one of the bins, and bending down. I could not see him, but just his hand and him bending. I was at a bit of a distance at that point and thought, something must have fallen off the bin while he was placing it, and hence he is bending over to put it back in. I get closer, and by then the man is almost standing, and from what I see he is holding the bin for support, to climb up about 4 inches onto the sidewalk from the service lane. His fingers looked quite swollen, and his grip weak. And there he was standing for atleast 2-3 minutes, trying to climb just 4 inches!

Old people live on their own, that is the way things work over here. I see really old people, shopping at the supermarkets on their own, using public transport, going out for walks, driving around and everything. In India, it is not usual to see older people on their own, or being fit enough to manage life on their own. While it surprised me initially, I was amazed to see how fit these people were, living alone. And then I saw this man and it broke my heart. Wonder if he lives alone, or has someone back home, I could see that he was in pain, and it can definitely not be easy going on with life as usual, when it is so tough to just get on the sidewalk. The image stayed in my mind for a really really long time after I saw it. And it bothered me. How fragile are we, we are all heading towards old age, the inevitable death and yet we live our lives as if we are immortals. How hard would it be to be in the condition the old man was, old, fragile, in pain, maybe no one to care for him. How would it feel being unable to take care of yourself, go about your day? It kind of brought back to me the reason Lord Buddha gave up his royal pleasures, and riches, and went to meditate in the forest. How flimsy and superficial every material comfort and possession seems indeed, when we see pain and death.

Earlier such things did not register much with me, but becoming a mother has changed me in the way I think, feel, perceive, observe, react. And that is possibly the reason that old man stayed on in my mind for so so long, after I saw him. The GP tells me, that is the cycle of life, and we cannot alter it, and worrying about it only means losing the precious moments I have now. I agree, but just keep thinking how worthless it all might be if that is the way we are all meant to end up. And then again there is a purpose in our life, for which we are born, I am sure brooding and anxiously anticipating the future woes is not the purpose of it.

On a side note, having to take care not to step on fresh dog poop on the side walks in the morning just does not feel good, I am sure people with dogs can take care to clean up behind their pets, esp since there are NO strays here. A small dog ran into my legs today morning, and scared the living daylights out of me, it was just let loose, the gates of the house wide open. It was cute, but having a dog between my legs, unexpectedly does shock me, and I am anyways a bit wary of animals I don't know, though I love them and would never hurt them, but I won't go and cuddle them either, if their owners are not around, or I am not specially familiar with the creature, shows I have never owned a pet doesn't it? People with dogs, please take care of your pets, and their...errrr....stuff.

Would I Come Up And Say Hi?

There are a lot of blogs I follow, where the bloggers have their names and photos up on their blog or profile or both. Some I am friends with, some not. So what if I was walking down the street and saw one of these people? What would I do, especially if I am just a reader of their blog, maybe even a lurker?

I have read about two instances where bloggers were accosted by readers of their blog, and that took them by surprise. One did not acknowledge being the blogger, the other did, but was caught by surprise and not quite sure about how to handle the situation. Considering the fact that I blog anonymously, or atleast I like to believe I do, and I don't have my recognisable photos up on the blog, I doubt, someone I don't know would recognise me as 'goofy mumma' while I walk down the street, however, how would I feel if they do? I write my blog freely and openly, a lot of what's in the depths of my heart surfaces in this space, things that I may not sit and talk about with people I know. And then up pops someone who reads all of this, and says a hi. How would I feel? Unnerved I think, unprepared, and I would not know which way to look. A lot of compliments from the reader, might make me all blushed, and gushy and happy though. (Just a hint for anyone who spots me somewhere.) However the point is would I go and say hi to a blogger I read, who is not too aware of my existence?

Earlier, maybe a year back, my reply to this would have been a vehement yes. Of course I would. I read the blogs that I love, the bloggers I read are the ones whom I hold in high esteem, for some reason or the other, they are great writers, I enjoy their writing or their posts are inspiring, motivating, some I read because they always make me smile, but whatever the reason, I really do love those , and that is also the reason I keep updating/editing my blog roll, because I don't keep blogs which give me no joy. Seeing one of them would be like spotting a celebrity, and I would be too happy to find words for a bit, but beyond that, I don't know what I would do. Being me, with my foot-in-the-mouth issues, I would possibly still just go and jump up in front of them, but now atleast I know, that maybe it would not be a very acceptable/cool thing to my beloved blogger. But it may just not be in me to act all cool, and pretend like I don't recognise the person at all. In fact, all through my stay in Bombay, each time I ventured out, I hoped I would catch a glimpse of one of those lovely Bombay bloggers. No, did not happen, my sore luck! But, that is not the point of the post. The point is should I go and make conversation?

Prudence says I should not. And I think I will train my mind to not do that, even if I sneak in furtive, awe struck glances at them. Though our blogs are public, and for everyone to read, how many would appreciate a stranger walking down the street coming up and saying, "Hi! I know you from your blog." Not all of us, and having seen all kinds of people, I would think its better not to risk it, and lose the chance of remaining a regular interactive reader, or being stamped a stalker or a nut case, esp, since I can be very very profuse with my compliments. I think it would be better to watch from a distance, and feel happy, like having seen a celebrity. Keep the talk of blogs in the blogs, and the real world out and away from it, unless its a pre-decided meeting of friends. What would you do, if you saw one of your favourite bloggers walking down the street or in the mall or some place like that, someone you just know as a blogger, no more and no less?

Why Do We Hesitate?

There is just one friend I have, in this whole wide world, with whom I can talk about my spiritual beliefs, without a second thought. Anywhere else, and I would have to keep interjecting the flow with things like, maybe you would find this strange or I don't know if you believe in this and similair expressions or better still, never mention anything at all. And it is not just me, but most other people too, who become very conscious while talking about such things. And I wonder why.

The determinedly religious people, have a lot to say, the followers of rituals, openly flaunt their status, the ones with scant belief in any higher power, vehemently say so, but the ones who believe in spirituality, energies, vibrations, are the ones who are almost always apologetic about having their say, inspite of having firm belief in their thinking. I pretty much never talk about what I think, and though they form a strong part of who I am, these beliefs pretty much never appear in this space. And besides that one friend and the DH, there is no one I openly discuss these matters with. The more I think about it, the more I believe that I don't do it, because I don't want to explain my beliefs to people, and especially to ones. with a diametrically opposite line of thought, more so, because religion and spirituality are very close to the heart of most people who have any kind of faith or belief in such things, and arguing about it is just pointless. The second reason being that my beliefs are not tangible, and hence the fear of being ridiculed, holds me back, the fear of being branded a loony.

I realised this reason very very recently, when I met an old neighbour, who has recently become involved with a spiritual mission, which has a modern world guru and is working in-depth in serving mankind and leading a good life. People who make such activities an active part of their life, are highly motivated, and are likely to talk about the higher goals of life at most times. As she started talking about her experiences, positive vibrations, a new lifestyle, she at once said. "You may think I am crazy, but...", and she continued. And I realised that indeed, the fear of being thought of as someone who is nuts, is part of the reason, I never freely talk about my views or beliefs. I was very very impressed by all that she had to say, mainly because it appealed to my logical mind and spiritual beliefs. Another person who was present there on the other hand, later, indeed commented, saying she felt the lady has become too religious and has nothing else left in her life. I on the other hand admired her immense motivation to stay put on that path to enlightenment, inspite of living in society and completely understood her desire to spread the word around.

I still am not going to start talking about what I think, because my thinking is neither evolved enough to be spread around, nor am I over my barriers yet. But I just wanted to wonder about why we hesitate, or do you guys never, or is it just something that is not quite up there in the priority of things? I don't know whether there are signs, I am not smart enough to spot them yet, but there seems to be a strong force pushing me towards opening up to my spirituality, and being more active about that part of life. My old neighbour, a new reality show on television about past lives, my many health issues which seem to have very little medical explanations, and many such things. But I somehow wonder if I can go that way, living the life I currently do. I hope that someday when the BB is grown up enough, I am able to give up the pleasures and attractions of this world and head to attain my spiritual goal. I said that to someone, and I was called crazy on the face, and that it is impossible to ever cut off the worldly ties. I don't know, whether I can ever indeed, head out and become an ascetic, or if I can indeed work towards a higher spiritual plane, but what I do know is that right now, there are way too many things talking to me, telling me that I need to work harder towards it, and I know if I don't do it, the calling will pass, and I will go back into my life with its cycle of wants-needs-desires-attachments-disappointments-hate-frustration-anger even deeper. And yet I know, this point in life is not where I can break away or step out, but is the point where I can try and work harder towards becoming a better person, so that I can influence the BB in a positive way too.

This post maybe quite incoherent, and terribly written, my thoughts itself are not perfectly clear at this point in time, and I believe this post reflects just that.

Ill At Grandma's

OK, so the BB is not doing too well. He resents his medicines strongly and absolutely denies having them without vehement protests. I hated those syrupy things doctors prescribed for me, when I was a kid, so I quite sympathise with his situation, but I also need to see him healthy, happy and at present, most importantly, fit to travel. So that means a huge amount of restraining and forcing goes on each time a dose of medicine has to be administered. And no matter, what, the final decision on whether to ingest the unpalatable syrups or not, lies with him, and he promptly spits out whatever is forced into his mouth. The process has left me with bitten-off fingers, and a very very resentful mother-in-law, who would continue to delude herself into believing that anything that makes her precious grandchild cry, is paramount to criminal behaviour. The fact that she holds down the BB at these times only after millions of my helpless pleas, is something to be grateful about in itself.

Considering the extent of the the BB's infection and symptoms, he was prescribed four different medicines, and strong ones at that, since I was scheduled to travel the very next day. The symptoms subsided, the desire to avoid medicines remained just as strong in the BB, I gave in and almost stopped his medication. I am weak willed that way, and not having the GP around, makes me more so. So what do you think happened? The symptoms made a grand comeback today, and I got shivers when his temperature began to spike. So hurried calls were made to the pediatrician. He prescribed a different antibiotic, and I scheduled an appointment with him tomorrow morning. And yes, I swear by my life that I will continue the medicines, for as long as scheduled this time, no exceptions.

And in the meantime, loads have happened for the BB's illness management, that could only happen here, at his Gamma's place. There has been intense praying, blessings, smearing his forehead with all kinds of holy things like oil, ash and some more. I cannot help but be touched by the fervor with which these gestures are carried out. A family friend went and prayed to Mother Mary, and placed on her feet with requests of making the BB fit and fine. the BB's other grandmother, has been praying at her end, with all kinds of offerings to her Guru ji. And then there has been all kinds of nazar utaarna. For the uninitiated, those are preventive methods, used to remove any kind of negative emotions from others, that might have affected the person, usually a child. Besides all the other types done, today evening, there was a small ceremony, which involved burning coconut shells and some more. People may or may not believe in the effectiveness of these methods, some laugh it off, while many others swear by it and some like me, never believe in it, till they become parents themselves, and then everything becomes plausible, as long as it keeps the precious child safe. But whatever, I am so very touched by the amount of efforts being taken, and all the people involved in it. The BB may not remember the events that have taken place lately, but I am sure the affection which is felt for him, will remain with him forever.

And though the GP is not here, it is tough to manage an ill BB in his absence, especially when the medicines need to be given, I am overwhelmed by the efforts being taken to ensure his speedy recovery, by so many many people.

And for the non-believers, here is an article I found which talks about how the organs in our body are associated with particular emotions, and how negative emotions may remain trapped in the associated organ, and harm the entire body. Though not the perfect fit to what I wrote about in this post, it does give some truth to the connection between mind(emotions) and body.

Right Is Left

A few years back, as part of my office's annual celebrations, I had taken part in a group discussion, where the topic was, 'Right Is Left'. Since it was an on-the-spot thing, the simple meaning that came to my mind, was that there what is right according to me, maybe wrong according to another, and literally speaking that is the exact way it will be, when someone stands facing me. I interpreted it to mean, to each his own, there being no absolute right or wrong.

That is something I truly and deeply believe in. What is right to me, is unacceptable to someone else; something I think of as the norm, maybe exotic to another; my black maybe another's white. And that is exactly the way the world as we know it exists. It has been a while now, since I have come to the realisation that there is no absolute right or wrong. Everything is relative. What still remains with me though, is a feeling of disapproval that sweeps through me, when I see people who are drastically different from me.

As a very obvious and simple instance here, I can mention women who wear abayas. It is simply their life, their choice, and unlike the way I would like to believe that they suffer, they may infact be absolutely comfortable in their choice of clothing. And yet a part of me cannot but feel pity/sadness each time a woman dressed as such. It happens to many that we disapprove of things that we don't accept or agree with, when we see it in others. Often its instinctive, and makes me judgmental, because the other person does things differently or follows a different code of conduct. What is it in me that, inspite of my strong belief, of there being 'no one rule to fit all', I find certain things difficult to accept as normal, when it is different from the way I am? Is it human psychology, could I just use that as my excuse and shun it?

But then that conflicts with another one of my attitudes, which says, if I acknowledge a problem, it is within me to find a solution. Most people, I believe never change, because they never accept that any flaw exists within them. The toughest part of self improvement is possibly the acceptance of our flaws. Every human being inherently believes himself to be good, even a terrorist believe that his actions are for a reason, and he is doing the right thing. Believing we are flawed is a great step in self improvement of a person. But then comes another roadblock, that a lot of people land up in, which is an attitude says, 'Yes, that's the way I am.'. Which simply put means, the person has no intention of changing, and takes the flaws as a part of his being that do not require any actions. Only after both the issues are tackled can the true process of self improvement begin. A process which can actually become a part of one's lifestyle, and last forever.

If I know, there is a quality or attribute in my personality, which in my own view is negative, why would I not want to change it? Sometimes it is easy to just let go, settle into what comes to me naturally and easily and just go on. But that seems such a waste of the abilities and gifts that every human is born with. In our mundane existence, dealing with daily issues, these thoughts often become so distant from us, and begin to seem so far fetched. I have been that way, and have learnt that it is only, and simply a downward spiral from there on. Never again do I want to be there, I want to change and improve each day of my existence, in ways that I think are good. Which brings me back to the point, that my good maybe your bad. So what then? Even a simple thing like honesty can have many different interpretations under different circumstances. Would I tell a close friend that her crooning abilities, are bad enough to scare dogs, and hurt her emotions, or would I not? Would honesty indeed be the best policy there, or is it better to let her be happy, humming a tune now and then. Personally, honesty in such a situation is not my choice of action, because to me that would translate into being insensitive and rude. And yet again a person who would call a spade,a spade even in such situations is an upright and honest being, and is not wrong in his own way is it not? So who and how do we then decide what is right and what is wrong?

I am an instinctive person, who lives by what her heart believes in, who makes mistakes, and tries to learn from them. My rights are what instinctively come to me, but somehow I cannot apply them to everyone, except maybe not being cruel to others, animals included. What are your absolute rights and wrongs, and do you think they can be universally applied? And do you think you can judge others based on those?

Intellectualism, Just Not My Cup Of Tea

Or simply put, I am as shallow as a chopping board. Yes that is me. Anything remotely intellectual does not interest me, I love all things that are classically described as pursuits of the stupider kinds. I hate newspapers and news. I have barely any clue of what is going on in and around the world, and have absolutely no views on the world economic crisis, except the one that any average mind would have.

I prefer Sidney Sheldon and Jeffrey Archer to Milton and Shakespeare. I absolutely love Hindi Filmy music, and have gone into the recesses where I am not even aware of the recent English releases. I don't listen to Classical music. I have no knowledge of art, beyond knowing about 'Madonna' and 'The Last Supper'. The words, Rembrandt or Monet might actually be brands of chocolate according to me. I neither know, nor understand them. I do not pursue any art form, nor do I grasp astro-physics well. My only claim to fame is I can add up numbers decently enough to not need a calculator while doing my bhaaji shopping(buying vegetables). Once upon a time I was a great sports enthusiast. As a teenager, I waited each edition of Sports World with bated breath. Savoured every article and delicately preserved the poster of each edition under my mattress. My favourite stars went up on the walls of course. Over a period of time, I have lost that passion too. I cannot think of a single bit of me that would classify me as an intellectual. I even enjoy cheap Hindi comedy flicks. I do enjoy some serious movies too, but even there I hated the much applauded 'Black'.

So what do you make of me. I enjoy shopping, like dressing up, and enjoy nothing serious. Makes me a really shallow and non-intellectual being does it not? But somehow I am happy being this way. I cannot hold great discussions on world politics, but I can always lend my shoulder to a friend who needs to rest it, I love being there for people who just need to talk, or even just sitting in a crowded place and observe people. I love people, seeing them, observing them, reading them, and most of all, help in a very humane way, anyone I can. I am not observant or smart about anything else in life but people. So what does that say about me, I don't really really know yet.

I do feel like an idiot when I read the smart informed blogs, or hear people talking about things that are universally defined as intellectual. All my childhood, I have been living under the shadow of intellectualism, and a deep desire in my parents that I develop the trait. I never did. I hated it then, and I don't like it now either. I hated it because it never appealed to me, but there was constant pressure to adapt to it. I never could do it. I was never interested in picking up the newspaper, inspite of much coaxing by my parents. I did it for a few months during the preparations for my MBA entrances, and dropped it as soon as I could. I preferred a Reader's Digest or a piece of fiction over the news any day. I still admire people who have genuine interest in the news, state of affairs, astro-physics, art, classical music, serious cinema and all else. I admire them, because I just cannot develop the skill to interest myself in these things, and honestly I don't grasp it well either. That is what it is about interests isn't it, what we enjoy is what we pursue. And I am happy pursuing, my small shallow pursuits.

So does that make me a person without any views or opinions, a moron and someone not worth her salt. I would hope not, because what I think, I do with passion. My thoughts and interests have more to do humanely than objectively. To me art is anything that pleases my eye. Music is what makes me move to its beats, with lyrics I understand and appreciate. I love colours, and happiness, brightness and joy. I seek it instinctively, I have to train myself to watch, read or see things that have a feeling of moroseness attached to them. I am passionate, but not about the stock market details or geo-politics. I am passionate about kindness to animals, loving children, loving fellow human beings. And happy being what I am. I don't shy away from saying I don't know something when I don't. I never pretend to be knowledgeable about things I am not, and it would suffice to say I am comfortable in my own shoes.

If you need an ear to hear you out, or shoulder to lean on, I am always there, but if you are seeking intellectual stimulation, or a deep appreciation of art, mine will be the wrong door to knock on.

And in furthering the small joys in life which keep me happy, I am sharing a photo of the motorbike, with the BB standing alongside. The flowers were part of the Dussehra celebrations. The gorgeous thing turned eleven this year, and is yet up, running and rearing to go. (No jokes about it would be tolerated. This particular piece of machinery has a special place in my heart!)

If

I am not a poem person. I do my kiddish rhyming ones, once in a while, but that is about it. Reading poems never interested me, even now they don't. But there are a few, and I mean a very few that have remained with me from the time I was in school. I owe it to my amazing teachers, for making those poems come alive to me. For making me understand what they really mean. Of all the poems I have ever read, if I had to pick, just one, it would undoubtedly be If by Rudyard Kipling. I simply love this poem. It was written by the poet for his son, as guidelines for leading a worthy life, and I don't think the advice can get any better than this.

I can harp on about every word in that poem, and because it speaks to me a lot better now, that I am all grown up, than it did when I was in school. And I love it some more for that now. Every word makes sense, and teaches so much. If we could be half of what this poem inspires in us, we would be some of the most wonderful people in this world. The words in this poem can be put to use in an context, absolutely any. From work place issues, to in-law issues the advice holds true everywhere. That I think is because this poem is for the core person that we need to be, and not about anything else. It is really difficult for me to express in words just how much I love this poem.

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

Are the lines that have been running in my mind, since yesterday. The meaning suddenly became crystal clear to me. It is about having faith in yourself, without being conceited is it not? Often enough, we get so sure of ourselves, that we ignore anyone, who does not believe in us. We need to remain grounded, and humble, no matter how much we succeed, how high we climb. It is a very difficult to task to achieve this combination, but it is indeed the perfect one too. In a different context, if we apply this to religious tolerance, does it not work perfectly too? We may be completely devoted to our own religion, but that should not breed intolerance for others, who do not.

It is not an easy task, to be confident about your own self, and still be open to contradictions by others. And yet, I think the really successful and great people, never belittle the doubts and contradictions of others, do they? I wish I could achieve this trait, wholly and completely, from within, where I am as open to other's doubts over me, as I am sure of myself.

So, what is your favourite poem, and what do you take away from it?

Questions About Love, Life And Such Like

There is a girl I lived with for three years when I was in college, my room mate, and needless to say when you are sharing a living space of 8ft. by 10ft. with someone for three whole years, you pretty much know each other inside out. She joined college, fresh out of a relationship with someone, from back home, me never having had one ever, never wanting one either. That was back in the days I never wanted to marry, and had huge,possibly extremely unrealistic plans about my life ahead. (The DH of course came into the picture later, and messed that all up.) She was a tall thin girl, quite the waif like eye-catcher, so lets call her tall-slim-girl(TSG). I was rotund and tom-boyish.

She and I met, liked each other, and decided to be friends and room-mates. She started dating one of our seniors towards the end of our first year. A guy called P. P and she were into what we can term as a serious relationship. Fortunately for them, they belonged to the same caste, creed and all else that matters in a marriage. From choosing the kind of house they will live in, to the names for their children-to-be, pretty much everything was in place. I was a pesky friend, and whenever the poor TSG would narrate these or any other deeply romantic exchange between P and her, I would burst out laughing. Sorry, I cannot handle mush, just cannot. Or maybe I am just insensitive, don't know, but talks of moons, stars and such just make me giggle. Here they were with each other, almost every possible minute, with love and dreams in their eyes and hearts. P actually enrolled in a low grade B-school to stay in the same town after he completed his graduation, so that they could both be together. Even though I never initially believed they were there for the long haul, such acts, actually convinced me that the baby names planned, would actually be put to use.

And there was the nut that is me. A lot of male friends, no romantic alliances, no hopes, no chances. When I met the DH for the first time, I was rather uncomfortable, mostly because of the terrible planning, of the mutual friend who introduced us, and made the situation as bad as it can be. But as they say, fate works in strange ways, and here we were, becoming friends, close ones at that. Liking each other, but never saying it out aloud (yes, I know quite the filmy stuff, and hence my strengthened faith in Hindi movies), and finally deciding to date each other without strict commitments of any kinds. (May I add here, that the DH buckled first and decided he wanted me for keeps. Yes, yes, yes he did!) Of all my friends, who were in relationships, mine was the only one without any plans of a future together. The DH finished his studies almost as soon as we started dating, and left the place. I still had a whole year to go, so we did not even get a lot of time together.

Three years later, I was married to the DH, working, and happy. The TSG, was finishing her masters degree, her relationship with P, after almost six years broken, and she was engaged to be married. Indeed, strange how things work out. She went on to get married to a man doing well in life, chosen by her parents, and approved by her. The DH and I were on the other hand freshers at our jobs, struggling to stay afloat, and yet happy, while TSG was enjoying African safaris, unrestrained shopping and living in the US.

Though she and I were great friends, all along our years in college, things changed gradually post that. All calls from her, were about how well she was doing in life, and how she was enjoying staying at home, relaxing all day long, shopping and the like. I was not bothered by what she said, but got tiered of knowing how happy she was, by her saying it aloud so often. She had a daughter about six months after the BB was born, and when the comparisons started there, I shut out. I am usually nonchalant about competing, I don't get drawn in for more than a couple of days, but the BB is precious to me, and I am not getting him into pettiness, from anyone. I think that was the point when I reduced, and then finally shut out my communication with her.

The DH and I had tough years financially at the start of our marriage, and I mean REAL tough, not the I-cannot-buy-the-imported-brand-of-we LCD kinds, but the we-could-do-with-a-cupboard-for-our-clothes kinds. But we managed to sail through, we fought like cats and dogs then, just as we do even now. There are times in our marriage we feel like pulling the hair out of our head, at the thought of having to live with each other, and then we have our sunny, full of joy days too. Our marriage is not perfect, or anywhere close to it, we are neither mushy, nor supremely romantic. If one thing defines our marriage at this one point, its our dedication to the BB and our roles as parents. And we disagree on methods there too. So basically we disagree on way too many things, and in turn express that quite vehemently too. The TSG portrays her marriage as perfect, but I am sure, like any other, she must be having her marital woes too, and having them does not really make a marriage bad, unless we are talking of abuse and such like. She did not see the hard days, like we did, and I am sure its a lot rosier to be in that state compared to what the DH and I went through. In terms of material comforts, I am happy where I am today, and value each and everything that I posses. I believe she is too, from what I hear, she has more and if that makes her happy, it works out just fine.

Now coming to the question that M4 poses in her post about love versus practicality, love won for me. Practicality won for TSG. That would be the obvious way of looking at it, but I believe it is practicality that won for each one of us, because selecting our priorities is being practical. I think it would be safe to say we are both happy today. At the end of the day we all know our priorities, and stick to what is more important to us personally. It takes courage to break out of moral bindings and accept the need for material comforts in life, or social status and prioritise that. To each his own I think. I am not taking any moral high ground here, because honestly I don't think there is any, as long as one is honest to himself or herself, that is the best choice to make. Had I married a man of my parent's choosing, I would have been richer maybe, had a similar cultural background as my spouse, but would I be happy, I don't know. And I don't think so, because I doubt any man would accept me as wholly as the DH has, knowing all my quirks and flaws. To me personally, the meaning of my relationship means more than other things. Money and comforts, came as and how they were required, that is why and I am where I am today. So for me love was the practical decision, because I would not have survived without it, the rest, which is required too, but stands a little lower on my list of priorities, followed in, as it always does with time.

Let the Learning Never Stop

If there is one thing that I wish to always hold onto in life, it would be my ability to learn. I never want to stop, grow complacent, or just sit and think, this is it, I am the best, I know all there is to know, or even that I am too old to change, to know. It is not age that I fear, but complacence. The body may get old, feeble, weak, but the mind will do that only if I let it.

Everything we do in life, everything we see, can teach us something, only if we are open minded enough to accept it. Not everything we learn is good, but I believe nothing we learn is a waste. Every failure, every negative situation has great lessons to impart, if only we can receive them. Learning is a lot more than what books and lessons can teach us, learning is about how we lead our lives, what we do or for that matter don’t. I try to learn from everything I see, not always successfully incorporating the lessons, practically, but I do try.

Just like the body, I believe the mind begins to wilt, when it stops growing. Our mind has immense capability to grow, and it is up to us, whether we nurture it to do that, or just let it be. I want to learn, not science, math or economics, but just things that help me grow as a person. Things that help become a better human being. Recently a cousin, eager to get back home after a tough semester at her business school, was offloaded from her flight, because she was late, had way too much luggage on her, and not enough to pay. She was heart broken, to say the least. She managed to get on a flight later that day, but most of her thrill was gone. I told her to write down what she had learnt from this experience, which would help her avoid letting it happen again. That is the kind of learning that takes us through life, with a smile, and some more.

I am not perfect, nobody is, as they say, but it would be foolish to not try and reach closer to the perfection. This was not the way I thought till a few years back, when I let life take its own course, neither learning from it, nor growing, and now when I do realise the importance of it, I regret the years I have lost, without reaping rich benefits off them. And yet, better late than never. I am never afraid to say I don’t know, never shy of changing my point of view, nor apologising when I deem myself to be wrong. All these things may make me seem unsure or indecisive, but the fact is I learn and I absorb. I think, before I accept, but I do accept what I conceive as a betterment.

Life to me is a journey, and the destination is decided, and it is in me to decide, how much I make of this journey.