A BRIEF HISTORY OF INDIA !

A fun mail, after a long time. Just thought I will share this for a few laughs.
A BRIEF HISTORY OF INDIA !


A Brief BUT Complete History of India : As written by a Std X schoolboy, with all the original spellings. Please pay special attention to the spellings and the "derived" nomenclature. If you dont know all this -- you are history!!!


The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Darao. These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them.

Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors.

In olden times there were two big families in India . One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as Mera Bharat Mahan.

In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis.

The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana. But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines. Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However, after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi , so they are calling it Door Darshan.

After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side.

Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period. They were great expotents and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted toproduce his own salt. This was called the swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles.

In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he became the father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootaoing our country. In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis.

Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian Parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand.

So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark. At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in Parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag.

Recently in India , there have been a large number of scams and a plaque. it can be dangerous because many people died of plaque in Surat . Scams are all over India . One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland. In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot.

Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left, right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself. India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population.

The Parents Club Privileges

I think motherhood/parenthood, with all its added responsibilities and toughness, brings with it some perks, that can be had no other way. Here are some of the benefits I thoroughly enjoy.

Getting the spouse to stop doing something, I have always wanted to, but never could. Now the BB is my excuse, to make him not do it, like road rage induced swearing.

I have an excuse to get out of any engagement I don't wish to commit to, or not make it to, without hurting the feelings of the others involved. And its always a better way than the fake headache excuse.

I can sit on the kiddy swing in the park, without looking like a loony. I am with my son after all.

Guilt-free shopping. Oh! The joy of it. Buying things for the child is always free of guilt, no matter how luxuriant or expensive the object. After all its the simple parenting emotion that retailers exploit to the best of their abilities, marking up prices for anything baby-related, nothing but the best for my baby.

Motherhood is a super duper excuse for all the excess flab around the waist, no matter how many years into motherhood I am, and of course it does not matter, that I have had it long long before I even contemplated motherhood. I love that men/ fathers don't get this one.

Perfect excuse to blackmail the parents and in-laws. One mention of the precious little grandchild, and they are ready to forgive bloody murder.

Perfect reason to avoid people, I never liked, but had no official reason to keep away from. Now, its a simple bad influence for my baby logic, that is stronger than any other reason.

Aah! And if anyone catches you in bed late in the morning, always play the 'he was up till so late last night' card, and no one can have a negative opinion.

On a more serious note though, it is a great catalyst to trying to become a better person, when you know someone is using you as a complete role model for everything. And one had better start minding their language, when they realise the first vocal expression the child has picked up, is, 'Oh! Shit.'

All the other parents out there, tell me, what do you think are the great perks of being parents, you enjoy. And those who aren't parents, tell me, do you envy any of these benefits or do you hate the parents using these?

New Place, Same Goofy Me!

The city of Melbourne and its suburbs are said to have a great network of public transport, consisting of buses, trams and the metro. You simply go to a website, put in your address, the place where you want to reach, and it chalks out an entire travel plan for you. Is that not cool, I thought to myself. What did I know then, that I was just challenging fate, trying out things too soon, to do it right, being my clumsy, goofy self.

So here I was on a bright afternoon, out with the BB to meet a friend and her daughter, in the heart of the city. The route was simple enough. Straight down my street, I had to reach the tram station, get in, and it would take me exactly to where I needed to go. The GP told me to carry a lot of coins, because I would require them to purchase my ticket, and to take a full day ticket, which is like a whole days pass to travel by the trams.Good enough. I start walking, miss a couple of stops, and end up walking a lot of extra distance getting to the 3rd closest one to me. Wait for the tram, it comes, I get in, and then I don't know how to get the ticket. To me, a bus has a conductor selling tickets, and he asks you what stop, tells you the fare, you pay him, he gives you the ticket. And that's it. But in a country that is far too technologically advanced for the half-witted me, and where manual labour pays more than blue collar jobs, there was no conductor. There were some validation machines, but I had nothing to be validated. Feeling like a complete fool, i went to the driver and asked him for a ticket. he told me to go to the big machine at the back and get it. I go back, and still don't spot it easily. All this time I am holding onto the BB's hand, balancing his stroller, and hoping for dear life that I don't fall in the moving tram and look like a complete fool. So I manage to find the machine, enter the numerous details it needs, some based on pure guess work, and it asks me to put in the required amount in the slot machine.I did not have enough change, so ended up paying a few cents extra. Got my ticket and went and sat down. Called up the GP to boast about my great triumph at managing all of this too. And thank the lord who looks after children, that BB managed to be too happy/overwhelmed/ashamed of being with an inept woman for a mother, to not get upset or want something, or do anything crazy. I had to get off at the last stop, so that definitely did not need much of a genius I figured, and relaxed into my seat. The BB happily looking out of the window, I picked out something to read.

What I did not know then, was that this was just the start of my adventure. A few stops along the way, climbed in too men. I did not see them, because I was too deep into my reading, I just realised that someone came and sat in front of me, and adjusted the stroller, to make better space. Look up to see a man, who wore nothing on the upper half, was sweating like a pig and was constantly hitting himself. Before I could register it all, his friend pulled him up, he touched my head and walked off. Wow! I did not even realise what happened. I don't think anyone else on the tram cared, and as long as he went away, I kept quiet. But this man was mad, he got upto all kinds of antics post this, and pretty much all other passengers were upset. And then suddenly an announcement, saying the next stop would be the last stop, and the tram would not go further. It did not seem like a final stop or the end of tracks, and I was confused, but got off the tram with everyone else. And realised it was somewhere in the middle, there had been an accident ahead, and the trams could not go any further. So what do you think I do? I had no idea where I was. Fun is it not, first day out on my own, and I don't know where I am. I asked around, and a sweet guy, forthcomingly came forward and told me that I just needed to walk straight ahead for about a kilometre and I would get to where I needed to be. And that is how, walking down the road, I reached my destination

The return was a lot better, because the journey itself was uneventful, except that I got off a few stops too early. Waited at the same stop, for the next tram, hopped on and got off where I need to, and then walked back home from there.

And then the very next day, there is some more travel fun. I visit a friend's place for lunch. She is about two kilometres from my place, and so I walk down, have some lunch, chat up and leave. I strap the BB onto his pram, plug in some soul rendering music from Wake Up Sid, into my ears and start to get back home. And what do you know after about twenty minutes of walking I realise I have no idea about where I am. Pancic. Panic some more. Look around. A board with the street name. Uh-oh! I did not take the first turn I had to, and continued unabated on the street on which my friend lives. Can I please blame this one on Shankar Ehsaan Loy, because their music just left me day dreaming, humming along? Coming back to my predicament, I realise that I just did not want to walk all the way back now, because that would mean first covering back these twenty minutes and then another thirty minutes or so to home. I spot a bus-stop nearby, call my friend, get the details, and wait for the bus. It comes, I get in, again problem with the ticket. There is no ticket vending machine in the bus. Here, I have to buy it from the driver. I ask him for one, he is rude, and tells me to carry change next time. I tell him, I had no plans of taking a bus today. I tell him what stop I need to get off at, and go and sit. When we start nearing my stop, I stand up, only to see a big 'No Standing' written on the floor. All confused, I sit back down, thinking he would stop it at the stop, esp since I have told him where I need to get off. Well what do you know? He does not stop it, I go running to him and say, "I had to get off there", and pat comes the reply, "Well, you missed your stop." and he just goes on. Normally it would have been ok, but missing my stop, which is the last one on my street means, I go across the highway/freeway to the next stop. That means I cannot walk back, and have to again take a bus to get back to my stop. So I get off at the next stop, and so does an older man with me. I look across the street, and there is no bus stop there. So? How do I get back. I ask the man, and he tells me, buses going either way, come on the same side at this stop, and he told me which one to get on. Then he nicely looked up the time table, and his watch and said the next one might take a while, basically 15-16 minutes. He knew what happened back in the bus, because he was sitting upfront, and I guess he is a regular traveller of that bus, because he told me, that particular driver was a bit rough and rude. I thanked him profusely and he went his way.

And you would think it was just one stop now, and I was home right? No! I took the right bus, but gave wrong stop-name. Know why? Because the names of the stop on one side of the road do not match those across, basically because they are the names of the streets which lead inside. And how was I to know that? The driver this time round, however was a pleasant man, and he stopped at the next stop for me, which meant a little more for me to walk, but I reached home all the same,just a little worse for wear. So that was how my first two attempts at going places in my own have turned out. Am I daunted? Hell no! Because I have learnt, some, and I am sure I can do a lot better next time, and only if I keep doing it, will I get the hang of it isn't it? Surprisingly though I have never got lost, or gone the wrong place ever before, not even when I was new to Bombay and had just started traveling on my own, local trains and all.

A few things that I really liked, during these two trips, was that people around the place are very forthcomingly helpful when they see you with a child. Getting onto public transport with a stroller, and a child, would invariably mean people would help without even asking or expecting a word of thanks,. It almost seemed like a norm. Coming from Bombay locals, where heavily pregnant women stand through long journeys in crowded trains, and young students or women who have been there themselves, just sit in their seats, not giving relief to the women for a second, this was really amazing to me. A man even offered me his seat in the tram, when I was returning, since it was quite crowded and I was with the BB. When we were dropped off mid-way, because the trams could not go further, I was all bewildered, and even without me asking, people came and asked me where I wanted to go, and offered me directions. The guy who really guided me in detail, was an Indian, I believe a student out with his friends, and he did so his own, without my asking. I mentions Indian here, because I would never expect teh same courtesy back in India, atleast not proactively done. And that was indeed nice.

Just wanted to share my crazy adventures on the blog, and hence this overly long post!

One Post Before The Break

The very last post from my current post, Sharjah. I am absolutely sure this is the last one, because it is 5:30 am, and I haven't slept a wink all night, getting the packing done, and trying to balance all the weight, not exceeding the permitted limits too much. Have shopped like crazy the last few days, and as is always the case with me, one object catches my fancy, and I keep buying multiples of that. This time it was carpets, yes those lovely hand-made ones from Iran and around. To be honest, ever since I came here, I wanted to own one, but it was only recently that I got determined to possess one before I left from here. And so my heart's desire is satiated, since I picked up not one, but three of them. I also learnt about a new kind of carpet, called the kilim, which actually caught my fancy more than the famous, silk carpets. If you google for images of kilims, you will amazed at the beauty of them. Definitely things to go up on the wall, because I will die a thousand deaths if anyone so much as spills a drop of water on them, though the seller assured me that they will come to no harm, and can easily be spot cleaned. So I have basically added to my already tight luggage limit, but there was no way on earth I was leaving this country without one.

The weekend has been full of guests, shopping, eating, packers coming and taking away pretty much everything, tomorrow, my Internet connection goes, oh sorry, its later today, and I will be spending the day at friend's place, since there is absolutely nothing to do at home, nor food to be eaten. So that is the current story of my life. (This post is feeling more like a letter, is it not?) I have loads to write in conclusion of the time I have spent here, but now is not the time I can do justice to the thoughts or the experience, this place has been. Shruti, has sweetly requested me for a post on Dubai, recommending places to visit, and that one will DEFINITELY happen, but not just now. A night without sleep, and constant work is not the right time to do any proper post infact, but somehow, knowing that it maybe a long long time before I post again, who knows I may even get over the blogging addiction in the mean while, I just had to do this, while the rest of the household gets some sleep, after being done with the job. In fact, it is going to be over a month , before it will be just the three of us, and while I would enjoy thoroughly with friends and family while in India, I will miss just being the three of us too. Tomorrow, sorry yet again, tonight, will be my last night in this home, and though it has not been a very long stay, I know I will miss it in some ways.

Also want to thank everyone, who has been wishing me luck with my packing and shifting. its been smooth so far, even managed to sell the last item on my online trading list today evening, which basically makes me a hundred percent successful in my endeavor.(Please applaud, its not a mean feat, the person who took away the home theatre system today, had been haggling for the price since the last 3 weeks, so you can imagine how patiently I dealt with him!) Now I just hope that the airways is a little lenient with my baggage, my carpets deserve that respect!

And before I bid adieu, not sure for how long though, just thought I will share a few laughs with all my wonderful, encouraging and supportive readers. I don't know if these words have a different meaning in Arabic, but these shop-names really had me cracking up.

Al 'Tabahi' Ladies Saloon.
This is one of the first funny ones I saw here.

Diva Gents Salon.
Why should men be left behind?

Yateem Optician.
It is a chain of stores, in the more expensive malls around the UAE.

Al Samadi Sweets.
Sorry, bad photo, just clicked tonight.

And this is called, saving the best for the last. Say it out aloud, at least in your mind!

Leaking Nose, Funny Doctor, Allergies and Medicines

Add to the mix some mind numbing television viewing, deep fried food and take away any form of calorie burning activity. That pretty much describes my life for the past few days. Started with a leaking nose and sneezing since Sunday, followed with a slight earache, which made me run to the doctor last evening. I just could not afford a repeat after the last time, the pain just gets unbearable, and with the BB to take care of, I just did not want to risk it.

Besides the pediatrician, for the BB, every other doctor I have met here, just seems so unbelievably incompetent compared to even a general physician in India, that I dread visiting them. The only thing these people want is to make money. If they think there is a problem with the liver, they will refer you to an ophthalmologist, just to make more money for the hospital, and tell you to visit them next only after at a fortnight, so that they can bill it under a fresh consultation. They are that kind of pathetic weird. And since I am bitching expressing my opinion about this place, let me add on the side, that this place has no sense of hygiene or organisation. The Buhaira Cornish, which is very close to home, and one of the main parks in the main city of Sharjah, is set around a sea inlet, and there is a constant inflow of sewage into the very part that forms the Cornish, from the city's gutters. During low tide, the stench and sights are quite disgusting to say the least. Let me not even go into why I am forced not to take the BB out each evening, like I would love to. Getting back to the original point, I visited an ENT specialist last evening, to get the ears looked into, before it could possibly get too painful. Excerpts from the conversation which flowed.

Doc - Does you throat hurt?
Me - No.
Doc - OK.
Me - So, do I have a cold or is it just an allergy?
Doc - Since your throat is not hurting, we can say it is an allergy.
Me - I am almost always having a slight irritation in the ear, is there anything I can do about it?
Doc - Take an anti-allergy pill, whenever you feel that way?
Me - (huh? which is practically everyday!!) What could be the possible cause of the allergy, since I am almost constantly facing this.
Doc - How can we say?
Me - (huh? then who can? Atleast give me some possible cause!!)
Later

Me - Is it advisable to use a mask if someone is traveling in the current situation?
Doc - (Looks surprised) I don't know. (Consults with the nurse in a regional Indian language and repeats) We have not been told, I don't know.
Me - (This takes the cake, definitely going up on my blog)

I asked her about the mask, because the GP is going to be traveling soon, and I thought it would be good to get some medical advice. But I obviously knocked on the wrong door. This doctor also has an entire collection of piercings available, so anyone looking to get an ear piercing, let me know, I will give you her details. And no, I am not over reacting, maybe I have been fortunate, but I have never come across such unbelievably incapable doctors in all my life in India. And trust me to know because I have been plagued by ill-health and jinxed with injuries since I was born, and have seen more than my fair share of doctors.

So I came back home, knowing I am down with another allergy attack, just like the many I have had since I got here and some medicines and sprays to stuff myself with. However, since Sunday, I have been vegetating, watching absolutely mindless television, eating food soaked in oil, and made with sugar. Doughnuts, samosas, kebabs, pakoras, name it and I am having it. I am allowed some self pity, when I am ill right, and eating fattening, unhealthy food is my favourite way of doing it. I am not working out at all, because I am supposed to rest when I am not feeling well, even if it is just an allergic reaction(this is the cue to every reader to offer sympathies, and tell me to rest some more). The walks I am not so sure I want to go again, especially with the sewage floating in the water around which lies my walking route. And till I can continue, to maintain this facade of illness, I will continue to watch TV nonstop (I don't need much of an excuse for that otherwise either) and generally enjoy inactivity. As an end note, there is grilled chicken for dinner tonight.

Did I Get Lucky?

I wonder sometimes, in relation to the DH. Just today morning, I saw the CBS morning show, and there was a talk about this blog, a woman writes about how her husband annoys her, and gets loads of comments from other women, with similar issues. One has to be really annoyed to start a blog, just about the husband's annoying habits isn't it? But then I think most of these are boy-girl, male-female issues most of us have. Our minds work differently remember? Tara shared this amazing video with me, and as I saw it, all I could think was.....spot on! Go ahead, have a look.


Most women are tiered of the man-ways of the men they live with. I have been very lucky on most of those counts. The DH is not the man who leaves wet towels lying around, or shoes and socks all over the house. I don't have to be a mother to him, when he is sick or tiered. He can serve his food for himself, cook too, when needed, I am not expected to wave him off to work each morning, it is quite alright if I don't cook for a whole week or even a month for that matter, toilet seats have never been an issue.... and I can simply go on and on here. So when I read about all the man- woman issues most women are dealing with, I cannot help but count my lucky stars. Though they make for cute narrations, I guess they can be quite a nagging pain, when needed to be dealt with on a day to day basis.

The DH though, is a no-brainer man when it comes me being depressed or just feeling low, he has to come up with stupid ideas on what can be done to make me feel better, or do a root cause analysis, which absolutely drives me up the wall, but I have to forgive him for being a male at some points atleast, right? But over all, he is a great guy, and quite a joy to live with too, believes himself to be a family man, and does his bit for the family and home. And I think that makes him more of a man than those who shirk away. And yes,I do think I got lucky, because this guy..................(huge theatrical pause).................... he even cleans up after he cooks. So what do you say to that?