Interpretations!

The beauty is in the eye of the beholder they say. So often in life I have faced situations, or observed incidents where various people have absolutely different interpretations of the same thing. Never fails to amaze me, and then somewhere I feel that is actually a true judge of a person's character, because how we perceive things, is how we think. The GP for example always finds a kind loving reason for everything, even things that make me fume. God! How I love the man for being my calming factor. Coming back to the point, I thought it would be fun to list some things that people interpret differently, and it would be fun to hear if you have some too!

A child running in a mall without any visible adult guardians.

What careless parents.

Its so difficult to manage and hold onto kids that age.
Children today are completely wild and unruly.

A woman drinking.
Aajkal ki 'modern' aurat!
Aah! she is cool.
Who cares?

A woman not drinking in a pub.
Why do these people even come here?
Must be a first timer, soaking it in.
The boyfriend must have coaxed her here.

A working mother.
Superwoman!
These kinds do justice to nothing.
Doesn't lover her own child enough to stay with the baby?

A woman open about her sexuality.
Gosh! She has the guts man, I could never talk about myself like that.
Sex is all she has!
Uff! Aaj ki bhrashta nari.

A woman who does not talk about sex or her sexuality.
Pretending to be holier than thou! Its all just an act.
Its just because of her cultural background.
That is the kind of decency I like.
Must have really high moral values, to be this way, in today's world.


There are millions like this, and its just amazing to talk and think about, seeing how we interpret things. I have my own interpretations of various people, incidents, events. Often different from that of others, and yet they make sens e to me. The thing that stays with me though, is how some people always look at the positive, and others almost always at the negative side of things. I know this woman, who claims, everyone wants sex. She can find sexual connotations to the most simple, basic events of life. But then that is what we are. The world is nothing but a reflection of our own minds. The loving one, sees a mother's love when she beats her child, the cynic sees a violent woman, who cannot control her temper, and an average Jane like me wonders, what the child could have done to invoke the wrath!

What Is Racism?

Some of the new found radical misguided notions views on eradicating racism, really leaves me baffled wondering, how exactly do people think. No, don't get me wrong, I am as against discrimination as one can get, discrimination of any form at all, racism being just one of the forms. Its the basic understanding of the concept, where I vary from much of the stuff I come across. Our mind, gets its input from the senses, and forms its pictures, opinions and thoughts. So I would really need to shut my eyes when evaluating a person, if I don't want to know what the colour of their skin is or what clothes she wears, or close my ears and not hear what language she speaks. It is natural for our brain to process the information it receives through the sensory organs, and form its opinions.

I for one cannot look at a person with fair/white skin and not think of it as belonging to a Caucasian, or hear someone speak in a certain accent and not relate it to a country of origin. I don't think, perceiving the obvious physical differences, as being different, is racism. It is when seeing a particular skin colour triggers a stereotype in our mind, and we behave accordingly, that it is racism. That is what I think. But to say, don't call a black man black, is like expecting me to be blind. That I treat him differently than others is racism according to me. But then again, why is it not racist when I treat a certain kind of people better than the rest, why is it labelled racism, only if a certain section is treated badly. A simple example, why is it racist behaviour, when a person is treated poorly based on the colour of skin, but not if a person gets preferential treatment due to their skin colour. Have you ever heard a complaint, from a person saying, 'Its racist that I receive better service at the restaurant just because I am black/white/brown/xyz'. And though I don't know if I am correctly deriving this, but does the human mind process racism, only when there is negative discrimination, and not when its beneficial to them? It feels like a person, who cribs about being minority in a society, and how that's discriminating, but does not feel the same way, when the same factor gets them into quota for admissions to colleges or finding work.

But does the true definition of racism include only the negatively impacting discrimination, or is it discrimination in any form at all. I don't know. But for all practical purposes, it seems to only include the negative discrimination. However, I have digressed from my original line of thought. Coming back to it. Racism is not in the observation of our senses, but in what our mind makes of those observations. I think it is taking it to stupid heights, when it becomes racist, to describe a person by the colour of their skin. I for one am brown, and I am an Indian, and I don't think its racist in any way at all, if anyone says that. It would be, only if they treated me differently, because of the above attributes of my persona. And while, I hate to say it, I think India happens to be one of the most racist countries that exists. The immediate change of attitude towards different colour of skin, exists so abundantly, not only within its boundaries, but the attitude abounds aplenty outside too. The immediate change of attitude towards people, who are white skinned, is just revolting. From being overly polite to the face, to bitching and name calling through the teeth, behind their backs, it simply disgusts me. Why does there have to be any classification at all. Why can the person not be thought of as a person alone, whatever the race? I will never openly admit it, or say it to people here, but the fact remains, as is.

Racism I say again, is not in accepting the facts as is, but it is how we process it in our minds, and react to it. A non-racist, would accept, that another person belongs to a different race, but treat him just the same as he does everyone else.

[PS - please excuse if this post makes no sense, my own thoughts need a little more ironing on this subject.]

Of Duryodhan And Yudhishthir

Its really been ages, since I read or even heard the Mahabharat. I hope I someday get to read the unabridged version of it. Its a tale, where every page has a lesson for the keen reader, where every word has a spiritual parallel. Its as interesting and as complex as a plot can get.

Today, when I sat down to write this post, I was suddenly reminded of this bit from the epic. Details, are foggy in this old hag-brain of mine, what I do remember though, is the basic story. At one point in the youth of the Pandavs and Kauravs, Duryodhan was told to go and find one man, who he felt was truly and completely virtuous, Yudhishthir on the other hand was told to go out and find a man, he felt was completely evil. I think the task was set for them by Bhishma, and they were given a time limit of six months, but I maybe completely wrong on both counts. However, at the end of the time period, both the young princes return without a man they felt, suited their search. On being asked why, Duryodhan said that, even the best man he saw, had some flaw or evil in him, which prevented him from being completely virtuous, and Yudhishthir said, that even the worst man he could find, had atleast one redeeming virtue in him.

Just shows that how the world is in fact a reflection of our own mind and thoughts. The world around us is as good or as bad, as is our own mind. It is what we have in our minds, that is reflected in what is outside. And that is the reason, why the same thing, does not feel the same to two different persons. I have noticed that when I am in a melancholy mood, pretty much everything I look at, adds to it, while the same things feel neutral or joyous at other times. When I am upset, I am flooded with all bad memories from the past, even things that mean nothing anymore. And those memories, just work to increase my anxiety. On the other hand, there have been times, when I am happy, and I have gone ahead and called people, who I had swore to myself, I would never speak to again. Suddenly people, who I disliked, do not seem to deserve so much of my wrath or dislike anymore. And then I realise, how happy would a person like Yudhishtir be, because he sees the good more than he does the bad. What a virtuous man he himself must be to have an outlook like that.

So could our view of the world around us, be the simplest test of what kind of person we are then? And is our happiness, infact all in our own mind?

Honesty - My Journey, My Way

Honesty is a value I hold above most others, in life. If you have been reading my blog, you know that it is in fact very important to me. But the interpretation of honesty has changed drastically for me, over the years. And I believe it is still evolving, though I would say I am in a happy place with my interpretation of it right now.

I was not a particularly honest child, when I look back. There was a lot of lying to save my hide from whipping as a kid. Lied through my teeth about test scores, getting in trouble in school, or anything at all that could get me into trouble with my parents or teachers. I don't think honesty as a concept meant anything to me, as a child, all I cared about, was to not get into trouble with elders. Hiding bad test results, tops the list ofcourse, and the number of stories I invented, I think I deserve some award for that! I have many funny tales to tell about those years now, hopefully someday to my grand-kids.

Then as a teenager, especially during the college years, it seems honesty came to mean, saying just about anything I thought or felt. It was all about speaking the truth. There was no stopping, no controlling, no censoring, what ever was spoken, had to be the truth. If a friend tried on a new body spray, that I did not particularly like and asked me how it smelled, prompt was the reply, "Yuck!". The fact that she felt bad, and I obviously knew that she did, did not make much of a difference. No filter was in place. being brazen was equated to honesty. It happened with me, and most of my friends, besides the few very sensible and matured ones. Though we knew, that giving an honest opinion or account of something may cause hurt or pain to someone, we dished it out anyways, because that was being outrageously honest! Honesty somehow was defined by being rude, it basically meant being able to dish out the ugly truth, no filters. I don't know if it was teenage arrogance, or if it hits everyone, but it definitely took a strong hold of me. While honesty in itself is a wonderful thing, but what I had then, does not seem nice to me today. Honesty cannot be a great thing, if it hurts can it? While the rest of the honesty bit seemed to be on track, but it was the blurting out of the unpleasant, without a thought, that marked 'honesty' back then. And that is what I distinctly remember as 'my honesty' in those times.

During the teenage years and for years into my twenties, my honesty was also defined as being an open book to everyone. Honesty equaled having no secrets in my books in those years. It had been true for most of my life, but these years were marked by the the nothing-to-hide attitude. It seemed like the whole world needed to be aware of every detail of my life, and that meant I was honest(huh??? Even I cannot get the logic of it now). This included defending my choices, explaining them in depth and more, to people who could not care less, and who did not need to know. But the foolish me equated that to being honest, and that is way it was.

And now, just a few days back, while chatting with a very dear friend, I realised, where my honesty really lay, and how calming this kind of honesty is. We were discussing something, and she pointed out very honestly that she felt I was being overly affected, and critical of something. It was completely honest, it was her clear and true opinion. And yet, she added, that she was just being bluntly honest, without any diplomacy, and she hoped I did not mind it. It did not really matter, since we are quite close. But those words mattered, because it showed that she cared, and that she did not want me to hurt, even slightly. And it is the fact that she cared about my feelings, more than just putting her honest opinion across, that ensures that our bonding remains. And that today defines honesty for me, truth that has meaning, and is pleasing. I don't need to be dishonest, all I need to do is care. Care about the feelings of others, and be honest in a way, that is truthful, but not hurtful. My honesty is not defined by aggression, nor is being genuine equated with having my life published for public consumption. I am honest but no longer brazen, candid, but not transparent. Honesty is now, what spreads happiness, and never ever hurts. It is what is honest in deed, more than words, and the act which is done with purity of heart and an honest purpose in mind. And I love honesty, the way I understand it now.

Infidelity Or Just Upsetting?

A recent post by Bones, talk about pedophiles, the ones who have the urge to engage in sexual encounters with minors, but do not act upon it. The post talks about,what are the ways of dealing with such people, and what action the society/authorities should take towards it. After reading the post, my mind went on a tangent, and thought of partners who are mentally infidel.

How would I react, if I knew my partner is fantasising about someone else? I am not even talking about a non-sexual affair here, but just pure mental desires or fantasies. Is it acceptable? Is it right? Is it wrong? What if I dreamed of another man in a very physically intimate way, am I cheating on my partner then? I remember a time, when the Internet was new to the world, there was a lot of controversy about whether sexual relationships over the Internet, could infact be construed as cheating on a spouse. So what about fantasising?

I remember reading a long long time ago, in an agony aunt column about a man, who said he thought of his favourite movie star while making love to his wife, and was confused about whether it was the right thing to do, and whether he could in fact tell his wife. How would anyone react to being told, that they are being pictured as someone else, by their partner? Not nicely, I am guessing, but I don't really know. But can that be labelled as infidelity, is it being infidel, just to think about someone else, or even privately fantasise about them? And then is it OK to fantasise about a celebrity, but maybe not about an ex-partner or crush? This just gets so confusing.

While I am sure pretty much no one would be amused to know their partner is mentally fantasising about someone else, unless they themselves are doing the same or worse, and knowing about their partner will just make them feel a little less guilty, but would they count it as infidelity? I have been thinking about it a while, and I know I would be mighty unhappy about it, but not sure if I would count on it as cheating. What do you think?

Do You Lie?

A stupid question really, because technically, pretty much all of us do. Or do you claim to be the most honest person on the face of earth. Some of you may, because lack of a clear self image in people is just so common today, that it has stopped to even surprise me. Now the only thing it does, is fill me with a fear, that I may soon start over estimating myself.

No it is not humility I am talking about here, but plain and simple lack of plain sight. I see the most dishonest people, openly claim themselves to be extremely honest, adulterous men calling themselves virtuous, people who are perpetually bitching about others, claiming to never say a bad word about anybody, and not only are these statements the casually make, but things that they truly believe about themselves. And that scares me. How false a self image can people nurture. I see it in so many people these days, that I don't know whether that is the normal way to be.

One may argue that such people were not taught to distinguish between right and wrong, maybe no one taught them when they were children, but I just cannot believe that. These things are part of our conscience, don't we just know what is right and what is wrong. Not being taught? maybe not formally, but we all learn what is right and what is wrong as we grow up don't we? Maybe not. But the fact remains, how are people so blissfully unaware of their faults or wrongdoings?

There is no scope for change or improvement, if someone is completely blind to the fact that they do have some faults, what will you improve in the perfect? And that I believe is the reason, most people never care to change or get better. Forget about accepting a mistake, they are blind to their personality traits, like being a habitual liar or manipulator or even a fanatic for that matter. I remember interacting with a blogger long back, who claimed to be very mild tempered, but one look at the blog and you know it is just the exact opposite that is in fact reality. How, and I really wonder how do these people create such illusions about their own selves? How can one lie to the soul?

I am very aware of my drawbacks, my weaknesses, my wrongdoings. If I lie, I know I have done it, and it is not right, anger remains to be my biggest enemy, when I am upset with someone, I am super critical of them, and I am aware of these things. How can I not be, I do it, how can I not know it? I am neither special, nor great, not even close to nice, because I have way too many faults that need to be worked on, and if someone as average(or maybe below average) like me can know it, I just don't get how others don't. What could be the possible reasons I wondered. They may not know right from wrong (is that even possible??), they have the I am always correct syndrome(no hope for a change then), pretending to themselves, hoping that if they do it long enough, they will believe in it themselves (wow! what a wrong attitude towards change), and I cannot think of any other. Whatever the reason, I don't find any of the excuses plausible or even acceptable as a reason. It is a really sad person, who is not honest to himself. And I definitely hope I never take the turn to get to such a point. If nothing, being aware of my flaws, gives me some hope of improving on them.

What about you, are you aware of your flaws, or do you not believe you have any?

My Way Is The Only Way

How often do we meet people, who cannot accept anything beyond what they think or live, and anyone doing anything differently is very simply judged as wrong. Very often, I would think. Why? I myself was one of them not too long ago, like a horse with blinkers. Every human being by nature would prefer people with similar mindsets or lifestyle. That is but natural, a little skepticism or disapproval of anything different also I believe is natural, but outright judging, that just is extreme. A certain amount of tolerance or acceptance, when absent, makes us narrow minded, and highly judgmental. I have had really funny interactions with such kinds, and it never fails to put a smile on my face when I think of it, at the level that I have experienced it. It just goes on to show such naivete on the part of the perpetrators. And yet when we take it in the broader perspective, how damaging can such a mindset be?

There was a colleague I had in my working days. A young man, settled in Central Bombay since generations. He was quite a few years senior to me in my field of work, and that he had his blinkers tightly ON, had been apparent to me on many many occasions. But the most hilarious was, when one day in office, he suddenly said,

He : Yeh kya nonsense hai? Dadar staion par hamesha announce karte hain, 'yeh Dadar station hai, this is Dadar station.'

Me : Kyon? Isme nonsensical kya hai?

He: Everyone knows Dadar, announce karne ka kya hai?

Me: How can everyone know? There are loads of people who don't know it.

He: (Looking at me incredulously, and with more emphasis) Everyone knows Dadar station.

Me :(Almost giving up, rolling my eyes) No, they don't, a lot of people come from out-of Bombay too.

He just gave me a you-are-a-fool look, and did not say anything. Basically he thought I am just being stupid, and strongly believed that everyone in the world knows Dadar station. Now how many of you reading this, actually know that such a place exists? I for one was unaware till I reached Bombay. But this man, supposedly well educated, and a man of the world, had such an attitude. He had even made a very confident prediction, that I would never leave the job I then had, and would comfortably continue there, till old age. Now we all know, how true that turned out to be, isn't it?

Another incident happened right after I shifted to Sharjah. I had just started blogging, and began reading a mommy blog. The blogger would go out for late night movies, and parties and more. I was amazed, and asked her how she managed with the kids. She replied that she had live-in maids, and I said, 'Oh! No wonder then, that it is so convenient for you. I had never done such things since the BB was born ' At this, she asked me where I live, and I told her. And she said, ' Aah! you live outside, that is why. Everyone in India has maids.' The conviction and confidence with which she said it, made me laugh. How can anyone make such a generalised statement. I myself had just shifted out of India at that point, and had never had a maid for the BB, and I know many many other women in India who don't have maids, even for housework, just as I know many who have a battery of house help working for them. Both kinds exist, and each maintains its own way of living. But the generalisation of the statement by this woman, left me amazed, at her ignorance and her confidence to boost it.

It must be stifling to lead a life, where anything or anyone who is different from me or lives a different lifestyle is unacceptable to me. I was one of those, and I know how hard I have worked to change that mindset, and now being on the other side, I just realise, how full of frustration and angst against the world, I was in my judgmental days. One of my school teachers, infact my favourite one, had told me, very affectionately, when I was leaving school, "GM, you are very judgmental about people, you will have a very tough time, if you don't change that attitude". Me, with the blinkers on, at that time, did not understand it at all then. At that point in time, all I felt was, I am right, and I disapprove of whatever is not. Little did I know then, that there are in fact very few, if any at all, absolute rights or wrongs in this world. But fortunately for me the GP came along and drilled some sense into my brain, and helped me overcome, what I believe was one of the biggest blocks in my self development.

Some people, I think, just get nasty with their judgmental nature, their lack of acceptance of others, and inability to look beyond their own petty existence, which not only hampers their own lives, but breeds a lot of cynicism and negativity around them. It also leads to arrogance, because nothing but themselves and their own views, seem right to them, and that just ends up making them more isolated. It is really tough to make such a person understand anything, but what they believe in,. It is so true, that a change can never be affected superficially, it has to come from within. What worries me further is this kind of a mindset is the breeding ground for the typical me versus them attitude, the place where discrimination begins, and that can be at any level. It can be a Bombay-ite versus a non bombay-ite, a working mother versus an SAHM, a fitness conscious person versus one who is not,people with love marriages versus those with arranged one and then it leads to the larger biases and discrimination that exist. Because at the root of any kind of discrimination, be it racist, casteist, communalist, it is the belief, that, my way is the right way. For example, a north Indian believes his language, way of living , culture is the 'right' way and hence the people from other parts of the country, who have a different set of characteristics are not right. There is a lack of acceptance, a lack of understanding that it is not that if something is not my way, it is not necessarily the wrong way. If educated, thinking people, have such closeted and adamant mindsets is it a surprise that the world today is so divided into a us versus them scenario? How do we then say that a Shiv Sainik or a Muthalik is obnoxious, when the tolerance and acceptance levels are so low even among us?

When I was in Bombay, and working, I had often heard the incredulous tones with which people asked the others, being one of them myself, who did not speak Marathi, "You don't know Marathi, really?". It used to irritate me a lot, because for one there is no rule which says everyone needs to know the language, secondly this was an MNC we were working for, not a vernacular publication, where knowing the language would have been a must, and knowing that particular language was not required in any way at all in our field of work ie computer programming. But it just spoke of their mindset. And then I heard this recently, a Punjaabi man here in Melbourne, could not believe it that a friend of mine, did not know Punjaabi. When my friend narrated the incident to me, I could not stop laughing. I don't know how anyone else would feel about it, but I just laughed, and found it incredulous, how out of touch with reality people can be. And yet, are we then still surprised at how divided the world today is, when people cannot accept anyone who is anything less than a clone of themselves.

The point is,we need to open up our minds, and more importantly our hearts. It is unfair to judge people cynically, just because they have a different set of values from us. It is common sense, and we know it, and yet so many of us just hold onto believing their way to be the only way, so strong , that it leads to so many great prejudices and hard feelings. It is indeed sad and scary to think where it is all leading upto.

Do share any such encounters you might have had with. I am sure we can all use a laugh.

[PS - Please do not take any of the examples/incidents given here personally. They are just examples to illustrate my point, and I am talking about experiences I have had. I am sure there are equal numbers of such people from every part of the world and each community. ]