And When I Need To Look Within

It has been a while since I stepped into the world of blogging. The reasons were many, I changed blogs, changed URLs and more in this period. Met some wonderful people, made some long lasting friendships, and also found the usual bout of craziness that I see in the world around me. But I believe it is time now for me to stop, bid adieu, atleast for a while. The reasons again are many. I am not sure yet, if this will be me completely stopping writing anything whatsoever on the blog, or would I just stop pouring out ideas, and just record small events of joy in my life, what I know for sure at this point though, is that it is an effort to step back.

I enjoyed writing about things I am passionate about. And when I write, I am so absorbed with the thoughts, that my quality of writing is miserable to say the least. I have often commented on posts, by fellow bloggers, posts that have really touched me somewhere, and I have later read the comments to read, just how badly written out they are, the same applies to many of my own posts. Re-reading a post or a comment is not one of my virtues, I am impatient to say the least. While continuing writing, is good practice, it helps improve the quality of writing, that is not of prime importance in my life, its just a hobby and not something I do for a living, and then what is the point in writing out to the world, with thoughts that are not expressed well, not even articulated properly at times and add to that mistakes, that would make my junior school English teachers cringe. And if I really need to make an effort, correct my mistakes, re-read what I type, I lose the joy of writing itself, so what then remains the point of blogging? Most of the bloggers, I really enjoy have almost stopped blogging, or their posts have become few and far between, what remains feels like something of a filler, just because I don't get what I want. And hence I wonder if it is worth burdening my mind reading that, which is of no consequence.

It has been a while that I have been contemplating this, but I always turned back, and stayed tuned to the blogs I follow, simply because I did not wish to let go. However I am at a point in life now, where I wish to look inside, more than the outside. I wish to go within, than spread my wings out and fly, I want to realise what is within me. While blogs are a great way to expand one's horizons, learn about other perspectives, and gain insight into lives beyond ours, it is also a way to keep the brain churning, adding new thoughts and ideas in its repertoire to chew on, it is exactly the opposite of what I wish to do right now. Its introspection that I am looking for. I had read, a long long while back, in a book authored by the great Swami Vivekananda, that,

Thoughts are like pebbles thrown in the lake of our minds, they cause ripples. While what we seek is a calm mind, a frozen lake. 

 While its impossible for me to have a frozen lake for my mind, I do wish to turn my thoughts inwards, rather than outwards, atleast for a while. And hence I seek to step back from, rather than flow in the river of blogs. I cherish my friends a great deal, and I hope they understand what I seek, and pardon me for not visiting their blogs and sharing into the pool of their thoughts. But then you always know, I am just an e-mail or call away.

I waited for April to be over, so that I could be a tiny part of this great campaign to spread awareness on child sexual abuse in India, before halting, atleast for a while. It has been a wonderful journey, had its highs and lows, and was a great learning experience for me in many many ways. Here is wishing the very best to the wonderful bloggers out there.

Feeling Redundant!

Yes, that's me today. Its strange how the wheel of time turns. Somehow I feel my family could live all on their own. Would not miss me much if I were to suddenly disappear tomorrow. Oh! Well, yes I am being all maudlin here. But I have my reasons, and would have shed my tears at some point right?


If you know me, or my family, you would know we are a very child centred family. So no, the GP and I don't really do things without the BB or have 'dates' or anything like that. A lot of that is our circumstances, having no one we would be happy to leave the BB with, and the rest is, well, just us, or maybe more me. I was never comfortable leaving him, anywhere at all till very recently. So well, that is the way things have been. And it seemed worth it, with the BB's only need in the world being me. He can be anywhere, with anyone, as long as I am around. Or he could be. He needed me always, till a year ago, he would not even go out with the GP, without me. Well things have changed.

I have now become the boring lump of a human being who stays home all day, does not really entertain him with the things he enjoys, like playing with the tool box, or sit on the motorbike and honk the horn, or try and take his cycle apart. So well, to put it mildly, the BB is now an extension of his father, the 100 watt smile on his face, as his father walks into the house each evening, is really worth seeing. And I would be lying if I said, that does not hurt a little bit, well it does, and quite a lot. The two of them would roughhouse, and do their guy stuff, and well, I look on and pretend to be busy on the laptop, or the kitchen or elsewhere. Once the father is home, the BB can actually walk through me, without even realising I exist.  And somehow I feel out of the loop, don't know what would be fun for him anymore, or what would entertain him at times, and just wonder when did this really happen, when did he infact outgrow me?  And while I did not cry, when he spent his first day at the day care, or started his kinder, I am filled with a deep emptiness today, as the tears flow freely, wondering if I have infact become redundant for my little boy.

Bulletin Board Friends

It worries me, it bothers me, and when I let it grow, it claws at me heart. No, I am no perfect person, I know it. And for all the flaws I have, I used to take relationships and friendships seriously, a bit too much at times I think. But experience made me harder, the part of the heart that was soft and nurtured loving relationships, kept getting hurt and healing time and again, and finally the scab never went away. It replaced, the softness there, with its hard shell, and is now there to stay. But as they say, old wounds hurt more than new ones, because their roots still lie within.

What prompts me to say this? Well, besides, it being a totally crappy day today, its the second time this week, I received communication from someone, who does not have time to even send out a one line e-mail in a whole year. It is strange how people, who cannot spare five minutes in a whole year, suddenly think of me when important happy events come into their life, and expect me to go all ballistic about it. Honestly, I am happy for you, but it is beyond me now to go all gooey over your happiness, because you are one of the reasons I have scab instead of softness in a part of my heart. And well, yes, I remember. Am I being vindictive I wonder really, but this is my natural response, because I am hurt and withdrawn.

One of my oldest friends, who pretty much takes no efforts ever to stay in touch, facebook et all, all being in place. Every time I have called her, she has told me how busy she is with life, and cannot find time. Truth be told I have heard this from many people, and it either means the person thinks I have no life and hence can devote all my time to them, or they simply don't want to stay in touch. It could be either, so again after repeated mistakes, I have learnt to step away, and let them lead their really busy lives. And yes, I don't believe anyone is ever that busy!! Coming back to my friend, I last spoke to her on Diwali, when I called, which was I think almost a year since I had last spoken to her, and I admonished her for not staying in touch. She said things would change, which obviously did not. And I finally decided I had tried, enough and was just not willing to be anyone's doormat anymore, so I gave up. It hurt more because she to me always was a dear friend, and to know how little I must have meant to her, to not even try to maintain a relationship, is what pricked me the most I believe. That was that, till last week, I got a cryptic, telegram like mail from her, telling me she was having a baby. 2 lines, and that was it. I know its mean, but I am too hardened after the many many years that things have been this way between us, to know how to react. I felt like an in-law, whom, one needs to inform of such happenings in their life, no matter how unwillingly its done. I replied back, congratulating her husband and her, and just could not go on any further, because my resentment still stands strong. And I wonder what is the point of it all anyway, if we are not even going to be in touch. I hated myself for being this way. And yes, what I thought was a closed chapter was reopened with pricking and clawing yet again. I wish I was bigger, I could let go, and reply with a huge long mail, and maybe more, but it has been so so so many times now, that I just don't have the will left to be the one trying to make it work, while she as always remain busy.' I should have anyways seen this coming since the many times you have happily forgotten even my birthday, to drop me a line of wishes. I just feel like a fool, that I let you mean so much to me, when I did not mean a dime to you. I feel like a fool, that I actually missed your wish, even though I had so many others wishing me truly and deeply.

The second mail arrived today. Again an old friend, from work. He had moved away and gotten too busy to stay in touch. Many many mails and messages remain unanswered over the years. And today there is a mail saying he is getting married, and with a positive claim, knowing I will have loads to ask him, and that he is eagerly waiting for me queries. I understand his excitement and joy, wanting to share it with someone, but then why me? Cannot just drop someone off, and then pick them up from wherever you like, whenever you like. I just did not know what to say. I congratulated him, and replied, saying I unfortunately have not much to ask, but would love to hear whatever he has to tell.

I realised a lot of things from these interactions.

The older a relationship, the greater is its power over us. I was more worked up by the first mail than the second. I have more resentment towards my oldest friend than the guy who I worked with.

Relationship dynamics don't change much, unless both people are ready to make it work. One person cannot work for two in any relationship.

While it may feel good to be the better person, trying your best in a friendship, persisting, eventually it breaks down my self esteem, and makes me feel like a door mat being trampled on, when the other person will not as much as turn their head, to maintain it.

Closure works for me, when I stay away from the source of hurt, it comes back with a bang, if the person comes back.

I have become a lot harder, and I am not happy about that, over the years. I hate being resentful and mean, I hate it.

I want to believe its their loss and not mine, but it is me who feels hurt and not them. I don't know what karmic debt I owe to these people. But I have paid enough really!

If the basic values between me and someone is different, its best not let the person into my heart and mind, because no matter how good things seem to begin with, eventually, we will grow apart, and I for one will always hate that.

I don't expect people to call me everyday, I understand that it gets too expensive for a lot of my friends in other parts of the world. But how much does an e-mail cost you? Once a month? No one in the world can honestly claim that they cannot spare 5 minutes in a whole month, so please stop giving me stupid excuses. And how hard is it to hit the reply button on your e-mail, and jot down a few lines to a truly concerned person. A lot possibly, when the person is a bother more than a boon. Good enough. Let me walk away now. I am trying hard to maintain control and not tell you all of this personally, because I don't want to be the prick in the balloon of your joy. I just wish I had it in me, to be indifferent enough, to not be bothered at all by all of this. I hate this state of resentment, I just hate it!

Can't Really Name This One.

Reading the post by Smitha today, on parenting in a balanced way, sent my mind on a long thoughtful journey. It started with what her post said about parenting, thinking of it in terms of me as the parent, to me being parented, and how everything eventually turned out. To quote, Smitha says ,

I did not want to be a pushy mother, but at the same time, did not want to ‘not push her enough’, if you know what I mean.

And that is where I agree with her the most, and yet suddenly seemed to have found a different line of thought altogether on that, after contemplating on what I read in that post. Sometimes contemplation, actually helps me find words to my thoughts, to actually articulate my abstract thoughts and concepts more concretely.

Parenting is a difficult task, to put it mildly. It needs balance, focus, alertness, and mostly great strength to stick to my guns, in the toughest times. I am nowhere near being the perfect parent, I am too aware of my flaws and shortcomings to claim that. But somewhere along the line I have also come to realise, there is no fixed definition of the perfect parent either, because each child is different, and comes with different needs, likes and dislikes. What makes someone a perfect parent to their child, might make me a nightmare to mine and vice versa. I believe as long as the basic emotions and principles are in place, one is usually on the right track. Coming back to the point of it all, what defines pushing, too much, too little or just right? What is needed by a child, what is not, and where do we draw the line? Its not easy to decide, and its not for any book(or website) to tell.

As a child I was pushed too much, the GP, not at all. We both turned out averagely OK, but I think, I spent most of my initial years, doing things that did not genuinely interest me, nor did I have a true aptitude for it. Case in point being sports. I was quite a fanatic as a child. I stayed up late nights during the football world cups, went crazy during cricket matches, and pretty much scheduled everything around the tennis Grand Slams. And today, I don't even know all of the Indian cricket team. No one pushed me to love sports, but just living in a household that lived and breathed it, I took it in, I left the house, and suddenly sports interested me, not one little bit. This is not to say, that parenting has no part to play, it is to say, that the likes, dislikes, passions of parents will definitely influence their child, maybe even for life, but somethings just remain till they remain under the direct influence of the parents. Eventually, we all move on, to or with things that really and truly interest us. Or maybe its just me.

Its just recently that a very dear friend of mine, who is a life coach, did my personality analysis, without a charge, while it is infact a part of her professional services, and we discovered, that my personality type happens to be one of the rarest. Which either means I am extra special(I am sticking with that one), or I am a nut case. Well actually neither, it just means I am who I am. I loved bits of the description about the personality type, and it made so so much sense to me. Let me digress, and share this. It said , 'You are not so much party-poopers, as you are pooped by the party'. Can't even begin to describe how true that rings for me. I love people, friends, and all, and yet a huge group of people in a social scenario scares me. I am great with people I connect with, and they just cannot believe that I am not so great with general social interactions, but I just am not. Oh! that analysis, and the description of my personality type, just made me realise I am not such an oddball after all. When I was sitting and discussing this with the lady who did the analysis, she herself one of the not-so-common-types, said, 'It really makes a lot of sense doesn't it, and it makes us realise, we are not aliens, in this race of people, just different.' How true. But coming back to the parenting aspect of it, what would have been good parenting for a person like me? Could what's described in the books work for someone like me?

The point being what to do we encourage, in our children, where do we push, and where do we stop, and where do we just let them be. Its a very tough, very difficult choice, and I think it gets even more difficult when we have more than one child. It would be so so so tough to recognise the separate needs of multiple kids, and treat them according to their own sensibilities. But here again, I contradict my own beliefs.

I believe every individual has their own aptitude, and there is that something special for everyone of us. And it is foolish to generalise that. Because we need all kinds for the world to live and continue. the soldiers are needed as much as the doctors, the musicians are needed as much as the engineers, and it is but foolish if we prefer one over the other, and force the choice, or direct our children in that direction. And when we impose nothing on our children, we let them find their own way, find what is their true calling. I believe the most important ingredients in bringing up a child, are

• an environment with abundant and unconditional love.
• teaching through conduct of vales and principles that make a good person.
• and imparting them with the desire to look beyond the mundane, and expect more than money and material things from this life.

This is not to say, I encourage my child to not study the day before a school math test, because he does not feel like it, and I feel that his true calling lies in poetry and not math. But this is to say, that I hope I do not impose my own likes or dislikes on him, in anyway that will diminish or superimpose his own. But then are also those children who thrive in a world full of rules, discipline and routine, what if my child needs just that and I fail to provide that to him. God! parenting is such a difficult job, there just can never be any clear cut, set rules for it. It is for each of us to find the style that best suits our child and us, and that itself is a difficult task, and then to later stick to that path even harder.

I might be an oddity, but I have no big dreams for the BB, atleast not yet. I have no visions of him being a great scientist/astronaut/ player/author/actor/poet or anything at all. I just hope that he is happy, all his life. And hopefully he will find the path that leads him to his own happiness. I hope I can as a parent equip him with the tools he requires to find that. I am more likely to be the parent who does not push the child at all, rather than the ones who push too much. And that is primarily because, I want my child to find his own way, and also because I was pushed way too much, as child myself, and that makes me feel like I lost so so many precious years, following a dream that was not mine, and could never had made me happy, years that were the best time to concentrate on gaining skills or an education to equip me to follow the path my heart leads me to.

I don't know, if I have made any sense at all in this post, but it was more of a clearing up my own thoughts and trying to articulate, those that I feel but cannot express in words. I believe truly that each individual has that something special in them, and each one will follow their heart, and true calling. And I believe that every parent should, let their child/ren find what makes them tick, and to the best of their ability nurture their child to follow that, no matter how similar or different it is from their own. And that is also because I don't believe any child is born with the natural instinct to kill, hurt or do other evil acts, those are always and but always ones that they learn from the people around them.

Of Lovely People I Shall Miss

It is really interesting to see, how a small change in mindset, brings in such a huge change in our lives. Fortunately for me its been a positive change, but it also makes me wonder what when the mind takes a negative turn. From the time the BB was born, I was terribly home-bound. Not a bad thing in itself, but somehow it lead to a huge amount of loneliness, and depression as time went by, and eventually culminated into frustration. Led to all kinds of addictions like the telly and the internet. And what are they but hollow pleasures that do nothing for the soul. And all this also meant there were many an unpleasant situation arising in my life, personal issues, unnecessary tensions, needless clashes with friends and family, bad health and more than anything else, always ending up surrounded by people, who had a toxic influence on my life. (And there is a reason why I use the word toxic here, and I will tell you about it soon enough.) I paid too much attention to the things that were wrong, and very little to the ones that were right. It had a ripple effect in every aspect of my life so to say. But since the past one year, things have been changing. I have found a new meaning of life, and everything that surrounds it. What began as a small step, that I took unknowingly, has cascaded into what now looks like a wonderful change in my life.

What was my first clue you may ask, well honestly, it never hit me till very recently, when I realised, what amazing friends, and people I will leave behind when I move now. Oh! wait, I forgot, I haven't blogged in so so long, that I have not said it here. Yes, we are nomads, its official. And so we are moving places. It has got to do something with the BB's astrological alignments, I believe, because he is yet to celebrate two consecutive birthdays in the same place. Yes, so I am blaming the moving around, all on him. So what if he is small, and cute, and immensely adorable. If I say its his fault, well then it IS! And fortunately its a domestic move this time, meaning we don't go out of the country, just yet, so Brisbane it is for us. I am looking forward to the warmer weather, and beautiful beaches already. The winters this year have been really tough for the BB, and now with spring, as prominent as it is here, the little thing is suffering from hay fever, and hopefully Brisbane will bring respite to all of that.

Now that I have told you about the moving again bit, let me go back to the original plot of this post. I was surprised at the fact that I had met more good people than bad in this place. That's a first in my life. I have more issues, of, why-do-I-need-to-meet-such-people-in-my-life, than moments of euphoria, at having met people I love. (I recently found out the reason for that too, atleast the technical one, which says, my personality type is one of the really rare ones, and hence me, and others like me often feel like aliens in the world. So true I tell you! Having it spelt out, just makes me feel so much better.) And so it has been a really amazing stay in Melbourne, and I am really blown away by all the wonderful, lovely inspiring people I have met here, and more importantly the really strong positive friendships I have formed, with people, who help me be a better person, people who have a positive influence on my life. And its difficult to describe in words just how much I will miss them all.

Yesterday, I had an afternoon shift at work(and what a shift it was, we had an old suicidal lady who called up towards the end of the day, fortunately, it was not me who took the call, and yet I was so stressed out towards the end of it.), and so I met up this wonderful lady, whom I had met at work for lunch before that. She was so immensely warm and welcoming, and I felt so wonderful to be around her. She runs her own business, and is now stepping into 'Life Coaching', which is about helping people reach their goals and fulfill their dreams, by understanding them, their personalities*, and then helping them work with their inherent skills, and around their obstacles. Its such a fascinating and fulfilling line of work. And unlike what I have seen of a lot of other professionals, she was so openly sharing her knowledge and tips with me. Its she who sent me questionnaires, to asses my personality, and encouraged the GP to fill in a copy too. She analysed both our personalities, and without any charges. And that touched me so much, because that is part of her professional service. And it turns out she and I have similar personalities, and so no wonder it was so easy to get along. At lunch yesterday, she spoke to me about what are the things that are my road blocks, and what I could do to overcome them. And it was then that she told me, that she uses a technique, where in she gets people to list the relationships they share with friends and family, in terms of those that are mutual, uplifting or toxic. And I realised how infact it would make such a huge impact, if we actually wrote it down on paper and knew what kind of influence we surround ourself with. It was fascinating to just listen to her, and get so many of the things that I felt were oddities in my nature, affirmed, as a part of my personality type by her. She is one of the many wonderful friends I will miss when I move.

The Diwali weekend infact ended, up being very very joyous, and yet a dampener in its own way. For dinner on Diwali, we had a couple come over. I met the girl, C during my training, and she was the one who introduced me to Friends Of Kolkata. So her partner M and she were over. They have both been to Kolkata a couple of times, and hence were looking forward to some Indian food. Made life a lot easier for me, to be very very honest. And it was wonderful to see them relish the meal. Now M and C are a part of a band, and are very musically inclined people. So after dinner C played us a lot of music on her brand new flute...... and we sat around chatted, laughed, and simply enjoyed ourselves till late in the night. The BB refused to go to sleep, and wanted to hang around his new friends. It was especially heartening for me to see the GP, be so open and friendly with people, he was meeting pretty much for the first time, considering how reserved and held back he usually is. It takes him ages to connect and open up to people.

And the very next day we were over for dinner at one of my friends from school, who did not really know too well in school, but we connected in some way in this far away land. And may I just say they are such a sweet and wonderful couple. It was so easy to settle in, no awkward pauses, no strange silences. They had the most adorable, young poodle,O and the BB has completely lost his heart to that thing. Every morning since then he wakes up and asks for O. And after spending the evening with them, where all of us so enjoyed ourselves, I felt really sad at having actually met them just a few weeks before I move away. And that is the reason its a damper, because I will not be around these people, all that much anymore.

Sunday was lunch treat at Trish's, and we reached terribly late, sorry again for that Trish. And had such a whale of a time. The BB and Aadi, actually went and hid behind the sofa to discuss secrets, which was just so cute. Wonder what secrets they have at such a young age! I will so miss not having Trish in the same city as me..... even though we don't end up meeting all that often, atleast the hope of it is always alive so far. And yes, she made some yummy kebabs for us!

And then there is T, another friend I made during my training, who studies philosophy, and speaks so eloquently of the abstract philosophies, thinks so deeply, and is such a beautiful person inside out. I will so miss meeting her every now and then, and discussing the spiritual and the abstract. How wonderful it is to have met so many positive, inspiring people in a span of less than a year. How often does that happen? But then I believe, that the kind of people we attract, is based on our own mindset. Just like so so many people call Melbourne racist, and while I had my initial doubts, they have all been totally washed away now. I have not met anyone who is racist here, nor experienced any behaviour, that I can label as being racist. So I guess its true, that the kind of energy, we radiate from ourselves, is the kind that comes back to us. And so its been a really wonderful and fulfilling time for me here, in terms of meeting wonderful and lovely people. And I will dearly miss them when I move.

On an aside, I scolded an Indian boy/young man on the street yesterday. I saw him throwing away a cigarette stub, on the busy sidewalk in the city, when the bin was less than 50 metres away. By natural instinct, I was upset, but walked away. But then it just did not feel right to walk away. So I walked back to him, and asked him, if he was from India. He was a bit hesitant, but replied in the affirmative. I then told him sternly, that it was really wrong, of him to do what he did, esp, when this is not his home country, and it gives a bad name to all Indians. I probably should have made him pick up the stub and throw it in the bin, but then I did not wish to create a scene. Its not right to dispose off rubbish irresponsibly anywhere at all, but when we are in a different country, our behaviour reflects back not only on ourselves, but on the rest of my country too, that is something one always needs to keep in mind. Unofficially, we become representatives of our family, organisation, school, university, country etc, when we step away from them, and hold them as part of our identity, and our public behaviour should always be a representation of that, and hence it becomes more important to behave better.


* The personality types, that I talk about are based on the Myer-Briggs type indicator. You can read about it in detail here. I am an INFJ.

Oh! But its Just a Whimper!

The blog is back you see, but not with much of a bang, just a whimper. I left abruptly, I know. No excuses would suffice, I know. So let me just straight out apologise. What brought me back? I am not quite sure of that either.... maybe its Harry Potter. OK, let me say it. Once I took the blog out of the public eye. I thought I will re-vamp it and bring it back. Plans were, for a grand re-doing. Well, that did not happen, and seeing my current schedule, and terrible time management skills, I don't see that working sometime in the near future either. And so I waited, and waited and waited, to write a kick-ass post, but.... you guessed it, that did not happen either. And I wondered, if I would ever make the blog public again. But I also knew I had to. And so today, while Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is playing on TV, I decided to multi-task and type atleast a small hello, to all my wonderful friends, who wondered what happened. Thank you so much all for the concern, and queries, I guess that is what brought me back. There has been a slight re-vamp as you can see, but not much of a do-up.

Life has been as usual. A little bit of work, a lot of the BB, and a pinch of the GP. The weather is improving and getting warmer, which should enable me to get out more, but does not happen as often as I would like, where the weather is so so unpredictable. But yes, the warm sunny days, are just glorious. Made a complete a$$ of myself, in a social interaction recently, and God! am I embarrassed. It involves someone I know at work, expressing that she wanted to catch up with me, quite ardently a couple of times. Well, me being the fool I am, thought, it was a genuine interest, and mailed her saying, we could have coffee, sometime together. Her response completely blew me off, she claimed to be too busy, and mentioned, if I called her, she would most likely be unable to even return the call. It was just two sentences, and I wish I could reproduce them here, but that would not be right now, would it? And that just left me feeling like such a fool. Why do I take people on face value, when would I ever learn!!

I miss my blogging, I want to blog, just need to make sometime, hope I can get better with managing time. All I can say is, it feels good to be back. :)

Taking A Step

...... small as it maybe.

The abysmal state of preparations for the CommonWealth Games(CWG) are no secret to the world. How terribly it has tarnished the name of India, we can all imagine. It hurts to see a new piece about the bad state of affairs in Delhi, each time I turn in to the news of the television. Not being too into sports helps at times like this, but I can not will not ever stop being an Indian. Last week on my way to work(yes, its work to me now, ever since the GP, asked me 'Aren't you in office?'), traveling in the tram, I had to sit through a rough half an hour, with the woman sitting next to me, talking to a co-traveller, about the CWG, and adding onto it, with many other negative comments on India. I fought hard not to let my tears out. Got off the tram, reached office, and actually took a while to compose myself, before I actually went to work. And it was then that I decided, that though I am not physically in India, and even if I had been, there was not much I could have practically done, to help with the Games, but I decided to do something, something more than whining and complaining. And so I decided to write to the PM of India. And I did. The first draft, was very me, raw, emotional, angry, accusatory, and to me very honest too. I let The GP have a read before I mailed it, and in his usual cool way of going about things, he said, "Its nice. But, I doubt if it will ever reach the PM, with kind of aggression the letter portrays." Earlier I would have sent it anyways, but now I thought, what's the point in taking the effort and not making it count, so I toned it down, re-wrote it and finally posted it yesterday. I am happy that I did something instead of sitting and cribbing about things. One of the reasons I stopped posting on my old blog, on social issues, was because I did not want to just write without doing anything concrete, about things. I think its pointless to rant and rave, and write, and in actuality do absolutely nothing to turn things around. So this is my little bit.

This is what I wrote, and I promise to tell you, if I hear back from him.

"Dear Mr. Singh,

I write this letter to you, in a state of great mental anguish today. I write to you, because I want to do something concrete, instead of lying around, whining, complaining and feeling miserable, as I usually end up feeling in situations like these. I am writing this to you, because I think the ultimate responsibility of India lies with you, every aspect of it, is ultimately your responsibility. And hence, you are the person I am reaching out to with my complaint, or should I say humiliation.

I am currently living in Australia, where my husband works to earn a living, and these days, I step out of my home, onto the streets, with a cold fear in my heart. The fear of being humiliated, or hearing taunts about the state of things regarding the CommonWealth Games. Today, as I was traveling by tram to my place of work, a middle-aged lady, came and sat next to me, she began talking to the man sitting across from us, and during the course of her conversation, she said, "Oh well! There is nothing to say about the Commonwealth Games ofcourse, with ceilings falling off, what can we say." There was more, and besides the words, the tone of the speaker, left no doubt about the feeling of disgust and pity she had towards India. It hurt, and it hurt bad. I upset me a great deal. I was almost in tears by the time I reached my stop, and it took me a while to calm done and settle into my work for the day. I went on with my day, but felt like a knife had stabbed my heart, and was left there.

Why sir, do we let our own country down so badly? Why with a population of over a billion people, could we not make a complete success of the Games? Why have we become objects of ridicule and humiliation in front of the world? Why is the state of things so abysmal, when we have but a handful of days left for the Games to begin. You are the head of the state, and you can command its resources, as you see fit, why then sir, did you allow things to go so terribly awry? I am terribly dejected and disappointed, by the way India's name and image have been tarnished, and I can only ask you, what are your plans to turn things around?

Kind Regards,
A disheartened Indian."

It is not a big deal, I know, but it is an effort to make myself heard. And if anyone else, is interested, in taking such steps, you can find the contact details of the Indian PM online, and you can even send him an e-mail of upto 500 words, if you wish to. It is not a lot of effort, but it can be one step you take, to make a difference. Don't cave in, don't give up. Keep trying.

The Vanity, I thought I Did Not Possess!

I was procrastinating for really long about this post, to do it or not, do I really want the world to know? Wouldn't I rather just hide it and let it be, I thought for long. It gets a bit more difficult to be candid on the blog, with each new friend I make through this space. (I think the fact that the visitors to this space have almost ceased to exist, is making this post a lot easier, I must admit.) So what was it going to be. Honestly, I was shocked by my own reaction to the situation, felt like quite a phony infact.

I have always believed myself to be completely immune to mujhe aunty mat kaho na syndrome. I was quite alright with such addressing, since years now. I am not particularly partial to looking good, nor am I particularly distressed at the thought of physically aging. And well, so I thought I was quite immune to the typical feminine folly of vanity. How wrong was I? What a hypocrite I am!

Well why, you wonder? A few days back I spotted my strands of grey. Yes. I was totally shocked. I had decided ages ago, that I would embrace my greys gracefully and not go running to the box of hair colour. But what did I know they would attack me so early. I had expected them to begin showing maybe a decade later, and yet here they are, peeping here and there, being a mirror to my reality. I was shocked to see the strands, not one or two that had cropped up earlier, but a good 3 or 4. I am depressed, I don't want to be old, not so soon anyways! God! Am I vain. Its a scary truth to embrace, and I am more shocked at the intensity of my reaction to the occurrence.

Have not yet run to colour my mane, but maybe in the not too distant future, I would have to make it a part of my routine!

Giving It Up

I was not sure I would put it up on the blog, but then I realised that every penny counts, and this is not for me, so let me just not act prudish, and share it here. There is the 40 Hour Famine being organised by World Vision Australia. And I decided to participate. There were ads on the TV, and I was intrigues enough to look them up online. It seemed like something I can do, and so I went for it.

The thing is, that I give up something that I need all the time for 40 hours, and try to get my friends to donate to the cause in return. It could be anything, so I decided to go with the Internet, something that I use from the moment I get up, to the time I go to sleep, and the other, is non-vegetarian food. I am thinking about withdrawal symptoms already, but might as well go ahead and do it. Wish me luck people. And just like what I told all my friends, 'No amount is too big, and none too small. Even $1 is most welcome, to whoever wants to contribute.' So anyone, who wishes to donate, even a dollar, please just mail me (goofymumma[at]gmail[dot]com), and I will mail you the link where you can donate.

Its a really good cause and the money generated from this will be used for people and especially children who need it, around the world. As mentioned on the website,
Donations to the 40 Hour Famine this year will support projects aimed at: addressing climate change and increasing agricultural production in Nepal; tackling childhood malnutrition in Kenya; fighting child labour and trafficking in India; providing supplementary food support to families in Cambodia; and assisting with food security in Laos.

Wish me luck!

Reality Bites

There was once a mother, a long long time back, with a small child, who dreamed and hoped for time, when someone else would take over her child for a while, and she would enjoy some free time. The time came, a couple of years too late, she had by then been maternalised(just like one gets institutionalised). And then she realised, all the free time in the world would mean nothing now, when her heart and mind was bound to her child.

Today I was home all day, and the BB was not. He was having a pyjama-day with his teddy bear for company at his day-care centre. There was a teddy-bear picnic and some. Good thing he was not as miserable as me. Its simply terrible being alone at home. I have lost that ability, in the past three and half years. I was terrified of the day ahead, and even though I had over six unwatched movie CDs lying with me, I did not feel like watching even one. Earlier, I would have a million ways to pass my time, today, none appealed to me. I forced myself through one movie till lunch time, and the thought of sitting and eating alone at that point, overwhelmed me. It was a strange feeling watching the movie without any interruptions at all, or worrying about keeping the volume low, so that the BB would not be disturbed while he slept. A couple of times, just out of habit, I turned the volume down, only to realise later, there wasn't a little warm body asleep, upstairs! I wonder if I have indeed become a pathetic needy mother.

I was not ready to eat alone, so out I went, into the wet cloudy day. Walked to the ATM, got some cash, and then walked the exact other way, passed by my home, and walked on to the closest mall. And what do you think I did? Bought some clothes for the BB. (Yes, I am hopeless, I know it. But then again, what's so bad about being totally in love with my own child, and wanting to be around him. ) Well, a few of his clothes have gone missing from his day-care. He messed up the clothes he was wearing, and they changed him. The spoiled clothes were wrapped and kept in a plastic. And the ever careless GP, picked up the BB in the evening minus the bag. He did not even realise that the BB was in a different set of clothes. Tells you a lot about men does it not? And now, the clothes are nowhere to be found, so I might as well think them gone. What hurts is they were my favourite sweatshirt and trouser for the BB. Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! Anyway, the shopping really did cheer me up, just as I expected it would. I definitely did take all the time in the world, so that I could stay away from home. Came in really late and hungry. Gobbled up some leftovers for lunch, and by then it was time to prepare dinner. And I was happy to have that to do.

The BB came home, and I felt like, I could breathe again. I showed him his new clothes, and he loved them, wanted to wear almost all of them together. That made me really glad. And before you knew what was happening, from his day in pyjamas, he immediately shifted into his swanky new clothes and pranced around the house. Money well spent, is what I will say!

But I realise now, that I need to work on being alone at home, without wanting to run out and away. And I also understand, that when I actually get the alone time, it is not as wonderful as it was in my imagination. For all my pretense of frustration at having no time alone, I now know, that I really can't handle it. I have re-learn the joys of being alone doing my own thing. Because once the BB starts school, and I am still home bound, I will end up with serious bouts of depression. What a roller-coaster journey, motherhood is!

The Month Of June, Me And Some More

A blogger ... do I qualify to be called one anymore? I don't know, and judging myself, I would say no. I have done just two posts in the whole of June, nothing that was thought provoking, or about things I think about, things that invoke the thinking-me, but just one-off updates on what has been up in the Goofy family. I don't think this post would be much different either. And honestly I don't think too many people are going to read it. For one, in a world inundated with professional writers, a nobody like me, hardly makes for good-writing, and so I have but a few readers, most of them read me just out of courtesy, since they have now also become my friends add to that the huge intervals in my posts, I really cannot expect people to come back and read now can I? And hence, secure in the knowledge that pretty much no-one is reading me, I will write haphazardly, just the way my mind works.

I am in a strange place right now mentally. I don't know if I qualify to be called a working-woman or an SAHM or even a part-time-working-mum. I seem to be somewhere in between all of that. Besides being tremendously self-satisfying, my work does seem to have all the downsides of working, and none of the upsides. I am working, but I don't make money. I spend time away from home, away from family, but gain nothing monetarily in return. Infact I end up spending quite a bit in my travel, eat-outs, day-care charges for the BB and such. Add to that, this work, comes with home-work (I am still training remember? So I have things to read up, assignments and presentations to work on), which means I need to dedicate time to it during the rest of the week. And with the commitment being 1 day a week, during training, and just half-day a week post that....... my slog-like-a-dog = work trained mind, cannot really accept this as work. And so if anyone asks me, I don't think I would say that I work. And hence I am in middle-land, and I really don't know what label will suit me the best. But what makes it all worth it, is the immense sense of self-satisfaction, finally understanding that I am in a field of work that I really like, and would love to pursue for the rest of my life. This is the kind of work that would leave me with a contended tiredness at the end of a hard day's work.

This month we celebrated the GP's birthday..... And I did not even do a post on it. So you can imagine, exactly how hard-pressed I am for time. I am the kind of person, whose writing and thinking is polished with practice, and when I have not posted in a while, my mind is all rusted and has very little to say, amazing thoughts, don't translate into more than just that one-line of the basic thought. And hence there was no post on his birthday. I think the GP being him was the least bit affected by it. Birthdays mean nothing to him, and unfortunately that emotion transcends even to the BB's and my birthdays. But on the up-side, that means there is not much I need to do for his. There was the customary cake, which the man, wanted, plain vanilla, with no icing. He is a all substance, no show man, and well, it shows. His birthday present was the much needed replacement of the laptop the BB destroyed, well let me be honest and say, that I just chipped in a bit of the cost. The BB and I wore new clothes for the day, while the GP himself did no such thing. And that is how the day was spent. Oh! yes, and an absolutely delightful Indian meal at a local restaurant. Loved it! It being the man's birthday, I only feel fortunate and thankful that he is mine, and supports me the way he does, inspires me to improve myself as a person, and guides me so well in that journey. Yes, if anyone needs it to be said plainly, I love him, for being mine.

All those with plain and at most times terrible hand-writings just like myself, was there anyone with that ornamental hand-writing in your school or college whom you completely envied for that. Well I had more than one. One of them is in-fact even a blogger. Her class-notes' notebooks, would be neater and prettier than my fair-copies. Its not just that the writings are cursive, or neat or beautiful, but what I envied most was the naturality with which it was produced. I would look at such peoples' handwriting, be inspired, and try to get there. Well I would atleast turn up my own work up, a few notches, but nothing to match these people, and most importantly, it would mean writing much slower and more consciously. Its been a long long time, since I have seen those gorgeous hand-writings, and I had pretty much forgotten about my own failings in the department, and was contented with my sloppy work. But then, just this weekend, my sweet loving GP, decided to buy me a fountain pen, after all, since I love it so much. He looked up the store online, and took me there. Its heaven for a stationery lover like me. The fact that pretty much everything in the store is more expensive than precious metals and stones, is not to be mentioned of course. But, then I digress. Just as I finalised a pen, and was testing the various nibs available with it, on a writing pad, I saw the words written by someone who had tried out a pen earlier, and I felt ashamed to even scribble on the same piece of paper. It was beautiful, like a work of art, and I stared at the words, 'Electric Dreams', written in beautiful cursive handwriting, in a clean straight line, on a plain piece of paper. I was once again engulfed in the shame of my own horrible hand-writing, like I was back in school-days. Even my best attempts don't compare. And I just wish I could have a beautiful cursive hand-writing. Surprisingly all the women in my family, right from my grandmother, have the kind of writing that can directly be printed on paper and sent out as greeting cards, and its just unfortunate that I never ever managed to pick it up. Forget pretty, my mindlessly written stuff, is not even neat. Even neat writing requires an effort at my end. The typing on a computer does not help much either, since I completely lose practice with my ability to write well with a pen. All those out there in the world, with a gorgeous, ornamental handwriting, I pay my obeisance to you.(A confession - The oldest lady in my training group, has one of those beautiful print-like handwritings, and I make a conscious effort to not sit next to her, so that I can concentrate on the session, more than stare at her writing and wallow in self-pity!)

I am still hoping that I can get back to more regular blogging, make more time in my day and do it. And hence I am not saying I have given up, even now. But what really happens, only time will tell.

Thoughts Of A day

Today is a day that has left me with a lot of thoughts, some pride, and some longing. And I think I will jot it all down under today's day!

Today was projected as a BIG day in my mind since the past couple of weeks. Reason? It is my training Wednesday, and the GP has gladly hopped out of town on business. I was pretty sure I would mess up the day in more ways than one, but fortunately I made myself proud. Wednesdays usually means, the BB is completely in the GP's care. I am out of the house before either one of the male members of this family wake up. So its upto the GP to clean, feed, dress and more, the BB, then drop him off at his day-care place, and since my training happens far away, the GP gets back earlier, and gets to pick up the BB on his way back too. But today I had to do it all, and atleast attempt to reach my training centre in time. For a moment last night, the idea of taking an off today loomed quite lucratively in my mind. Fortunately I did not take it too seriously, and instead, actually managed to get everything in order and get out of the house before 8. Dropped the BB off, did 'my thing' the whole day, got back picked him up, and got back home really late and tiered, but proud that I was able to pull it off, without any hitch. That there, is the bit that gives me the pride.

The longing is for the GP. I am missing him terribly, especially in these long dark winter evenings, which give me nothing to look forward to. Just eagerly waiting for my man to be back soon! The entire day just passes, but the long evenings get really boring without the GP coming home, and changing the pace of things. Thankfully the BB does not get all cranky, I would not know what to do, if he did.

And now for the thoughts, there are loads. Each day at the training I am realising how similair human nature is all around the world, how the feminist issues remain the same, and women are facing similair problems everywhere! Never thought that domestic violence, exploitation, domination, issues common to women across the globe. Its amazing how many wonderful women, are making time to volunteer. Some of their personal stories have shaken me up so much, that I have no idea, if I would have made it out alive, of the kind of situations they have been through. Just gives me, so much to truly admire and get inspired from. In this world, there are people who have pretty much everything, and cannot stop cribbing about how they get the raw end of things, and then I see these amazingly stellar women, who have the true strength to have gone through what they have, and then concretely give back to the world.

I am not sure, that this is politically correct, but I am saying it anyway. Besides me, there is another Indian girl/woman in my training group, and the pain she is taking to avoid me, is really getting irksome now. I find it really disconcerting, when we all pop in a hi - hello to each other, and she makes a conscientious effort to avoid me. At all times she ensures, she never makes eye-contact with me, or is not alone with me somewhere. Its strange because she is actually taking a lot of effort to do all of that. It has been that way from the very first day of training, but I never bothered, but four weeks into it, and now its really getting a bit too obvious to ignore. I just want to send her a brain wave saying, don't worry, I am not dying to be your friend, either! The world can indeed be quite strange at times. Racism???

The rest of the women are all very very warm and friendly, and more than anything it is such a learning opportunity, just being around them. Its wonderful how everyone makes an effort to sit with different people each time, and thus, interact with a different person at each session. Each one has a story to tell, and believe me, everyone of them inspire me with what they do, how much they pack into their weeks, their lives, and many with what they have endured, and yet turn out to be the kind of people they have. Awesome and Inspiring!

Popping Up A Bit!

Life suddenly seems to have taken a quantum leap in space. It has infact become quite unrecognisable, from what it was a few weeks back. Its strange how just one day of training, can change so much in a life. Its not just the day, but my entire attitude towards everything, that has undergone a complete change. I am also learning to knit, so that keeps me busy in my free moments too.

There is a lot that has happened, so much infact that it would be quite unfair to document it all in just one post, and yet knowing how my life is going these days, I would rather just squeeze it all in this single post, rather than lose the opportunity to share it all, over here. I have been completely off the blogging circuit, reading, posting or commenting, and while I don't particularly miss those bits, in fact I don't find the time to miss it. But I miss my blogging friends, I miss them more than I can express in words here. And yes you know who you are!

There was one huge marital fight between the GP and me, the last week, and I was amazed at how it went, and what happened. We fight, very often and lots, but this one, it was different in more ways than one. For once we did not go all, kid-like, and had a civil argument, very mature, and adult-like. Face to face talking, a very very big step for me. And I think I can say our life has changed for the better post that. A lot of unsaid issues were brought forth, some pushed-under-the-carpet topics were dragged out from there, and discussed up front. Over all an amazing sense of closeness, sharing, and understanding was established at the end of the war zone, and all I can say is, it was simply super-duper amazing. If fights can be such, I welcome them time and again in my marriage!

The BB has decided to blabber non stop, from the moment he wakes up now, and its just a lot of fun. He has settled down amazingly at the day-care centre, and for the very first time, even said a 'bye-bye' to me, when I dropped him there last afternoon. Oh! I felt so happy. His tremendous attachment to me, seems to have suddenly diminished, leaving me feeling confused. He happily goes off with the GP, without wanting me, I can be dropped off somewhere, while he goes off with his father, and he would not care two hoots, and many many more such things. While I am happy he is gaining that emotional independence, it would be a blatant lie to say, I am unaffected. Ofcourse it hurts, it hurts to know that I am not needed quite as much, by the boy, who loudly claims himself to be papa's boy repeatedly all through the day! And then he has finally managed to destroy one of the laptops at home, fortunately for me, it wasn't mine. For all the playing around the BB can do with the laptops, he is allowed to play his games and things on ours. But the other day, he decided to sit with a glass of water alongside, and managed to spill it all onto the laptop. Surprisingly enough the laptop kept working for a day or two after the incident. But when it was shut down after that, it just never woke up again! I am amazed at how calm the owner, that is, the GP is. He did not even scold the BB much, and I had to perform the task. So I am officially the meanie of this household.

Did I tell you ever what a wonderful man I have for a husband? If not, then hear it now. He is the best. I am amazed at the amazing support I am receiving from him for my volunteer work and training. Though the BB spends the day at day-care on my training Wednesdays, if I need to spend a couple of hours on other days there, the GP does so much to see that it goes through, that it is amazing. I don't think I could have done this with anyone but him by my side. Life does have its tests, isn't it? I have my training just once a week, and on the night-before the second training session, the BB decides to come up with a fever. I was a lot more relaxed than the last time, since the GP was home this time, but felt terribly disappointed about having to miss the session. The fever though subsided almost immediately and did not come back all night or in the morning that followed, but day-care was definitely not an option for us that day. I knew I would miss my chance at the learning completely if I missed the session, and was feeling really sorry for myself. My darling of a husband, promptly took his day off work, stayed back home with the lil BB, while I headed off for my day at training. And tehy even dropped me off! Yes, its all about equality, feminism, etc etc etc many women would say, but may I just add here, that he is still the only earning member of the family, on whom rests the sole responsibility to keep us thriving. Touch wood, that he is all mine!

And then comes the most special part of my activities of late, my training. Its simple awesome, and in so many ways! I don't remember, ever in my life being a part of anything educative, and not wanting to just fall asleep instead. But this, well I just love what I am learning, and more importantly the wonderful discoveries I am making about myself along the way! The group of women is so varied and just so simply diverse, that it makes the whole experience just that much more enriching. Our trainers, are women with such kindness, empathy and wisdom, that it is a privilege to just be in their presence. And every woman who works for the organisation, just has such an aura, a class, a sense of presence about them. They each have their own personalised style, a panache and a sense of such immense confidence with empathy too boot. The training group is such an eclectic group too. Some women there, do so much more volunteer and charity work, that it is absolutely inspiring. I believe the oldest lady in our group is close to eighty, and yet she is so sprightly and fresh. I am making friends, and learning things just through the personal interactions. In someways, I feel like I am finally back home, a place where I like being, where I want to be, a place which inspires me to actually wake up early in the morning, and take the effort to get there. For now, it seems too good to be true, and I just hope I don't jinx it any. And I think only because I am loving it as much as I am, I am not in tears each morning that I leave the BB and go. The very first day, when I was on my way in the tram, and did not really know what it would be like, I found myself close to tears at the thought of having left the BB, to go out to do my own thing. It has been easier in the weeks that followed. And I did I tell you the GP actually gets him fed, dressed and everything and drops him off to the day-care on those days? Another big point to him!

The GP's birthday is coming up, a week from now, and I am already wondering what to do. All ideas on celebrations and gifts are most welcome people. These are the most important things that have been happening in my life the past few days/weeks. Add to that lots of dinner guests, and general guests, and homework, and cooking, and some more, and you will understand, how it has become such a tough task for me to stay on my laptop for more than five minutes at a time. Please do update me on what is up with you!

Trying To Keep Mum!

I have heard or read somewhere, that the more often we talk about the unpleasant experiences of our lives, the deeper goes its impact. Somehow talking about it, seems to keep reviving the memories of the incident, maybe even, some other unpleasant ones connected to it and just digs deeper into our minds. Its like if I have a fight with a stranger on the street about something, and seethe about it. Then I come back home and tell the GP about it, the anger is revived anew, then I speak to a friend the next day and tell her about it too, and once again the mind gets agitated. And hence each time I talk about it, the agitation, anger, frustration just goes deeper inside my mind. Creating a deeper pocket of negativity.

I think the concept is true, it does indeed happen, the more we talk about it, the more we end up thinking about it, and the more it keeps bothering us. So how easy is it, then to just shut up and not talk about it? Not easy at all, I think. Something happened today, something that would seem rather small, but it got my goat, besides that it triggered a memory of similar past incidents, and just got into the snowball effect. I am trying to get my mind away from it, but then the mind does have a mind of its own. Its easy to fall into the vortex of anger, negative thinking, self pity, bitchiness. So I have taken a proactive step, something I have never done before. I have decided not to talk aloud about it. It is coming to my mind now and again, and it will be easy to just call up someone and talk about it, but I am not doing it. I did tell the GP first off, because it was just too fresh in my mind at that point, but post that I decided to try this experiment, of keeping mum about it. It is hard, very hard, but I am trying. And I am hoping that it works, and I get over it sooner, and better. The three hours of watching Avataar definitely helped.

Tell me how you deal with situations that bother you? Is it always a good idea to tell a friend and lighten your heart and mind? What are the tricks up your sleeve, please do share!

Nothing To Say

I have a disappointment heading up my way this week, and I will definitely post about it, when the time comes, have even thought up of a cool title for that post. So expect that sometime in the weekend, or if I am too busy, early next week. Frankly speaking though, I have been desperately wanting to write a post today, and I am absolutely unable to come up with anything at all, when I finally it down to do it. I have a few ideas, but somehow i know I cannot translate them well into a coherent post at the moment. So what do I do? Torture anyone who drops in with the mundane, my life.

The GP is away yet again, on a business trip. (I wonder if business trip is the right term for someone who is employed and not running a business per se.) Its kind of depressing on lonely winter evenings, when the man is not around. And yes winter it is. Its freezing and chilling out here. Like a fool I went out with just a sweater on yesterday, no socks or shoes, hat or gloves, and I actually froze up partly and had to thaw my feet when I got back home. It has been ages, and I mean literally ages, since I have been in a place that cold. I had forgotten what it really feels like, and it will take me a bit to re-ignite my chill fighting skills. happy being indoors, heater on, warm and nice, really! And yes, I am desperately missing my fur(faux) lined black leather jacket, from the times I actually lived in a place that got chilled in winters. Officially though we are still in autumn time here, the winters are ushered in only next month, and I can only pray that I will survive. I have no idea why I am dreading the cold so so much. Maybe the joints that have already started to creak have something to do with it. And no, its not exaggeration, my joints are actually creaking, makes me wonder what my real bodily age is.

In other news, the BB is fascinated with the hair and head of his peers, and his been tugging at any that he can lay his hands on. The problem is I don't even understand why he is doing it, so I don't even understand what to tell him. And yes, I am taking a break from the playgroup for the next few months. Because, once again, it is really getting cold, and its no fun waiting for long periods of time on the bus-stop, or walking in the chilly breeze, and most importantly, because I am really mad at the other mothers there. I think the last one is in fact the real reason. I don't really wish to go into petty details right now, and maybe I am mis-interpreting the social cues of this society, but whatever it is, I am unhappy! And no, there is nothing racist about the situation.

Life is on as usual, a little happy a little sad.I am sleeping a lot these days, and I mean a real 'lot'. Its so cosy inside the quilt, I just don't feel like giving it up in the mornings, and most mornings I lay in till the BB decides he wants to be up. Privileges of being a stay-at-home-mom I guess. And of course, I love my sleep.

So tell em friends, what is up with your life? And yes all my blog readers are my friends, so just tell me what is up with you too.

Don't Want In!

Eons, of time ago, I used to have a 'career' or to be precise, I worked for money. It was corporate life, a nine to five routine, doing a task that neither excited nor captivated me. I slogged, like a donkey, doing something I did not really care about. It was fun, for a bit because I was fresh out of college, doing office, was a new and thrilling experience, and definitely earning my own money had a great thrill attached to it. But I think a year down the line, the newness wore off and the drudgery and stress began to set in. Five hours of daily travel in public transport, which involved, supremely packed local trains at rush hour, doing something that did not make me happy, in an environment that pretty much numbed my mind, and senses, left me with little joy, besides my paycheck.

Its been a long time now, I quit when I still had something left within to survive, and that was followed by motherhood, and it has been a long vacation ever since. But for a while now, I have been itching to get back to a working life, doing something that would be fulfilling and satisfying, I am feeling the need to get out, and add some more to my days. And while these thoughts are rumbling in my mind, I read a post by LiveOnImpulse, and it brings back to me all my corporate nightmares, vividly. And suddenly, my resolve to not go back into the crazy corporate jungle is strengthened yet again. Just as I was ready to just get on the bandwagon yet again, I remembered, exactly why I had left, and why I never can go back again. I am not suitable to work in on office, that is just the way I am. I connect with people as people, and I cannot spend most of my waking hours with some, who I can neither like, nor trust. Its a dog eat dog world out there, and being quite incapable of clever manipulations, I end up being all bitter, angry and frustrated. I was at work for just over three years, in an IT firm, as a fresher, and even then I can say, I saw it all. Groupism, male bonding, excessive bitching, young girls pretending to flirt to get a senior's favour, men trying to score with their female colleagues one way or another, cheap, dirty politics, using the communal angle to gain the boss' favour, ganging up against people, pretending to work, and ofcourse blatantly flattering and sweet talking the boss, using connections to get an foreign onsite posting, even blackmailing for the same. A great example of flattering the boss, was when a rather senior member of our team, ordered a cake for our project manager, to commemorate the day they found her lost passport in UK. All I could think was...... WOW! I cannot do it, I just cannot. I will move mountains for you, if I really bond and connect, but otherwise, I just cannot pretend. I can maintain professional relationships with people, but it has to be a two way thing, and that is the only way it works for me.

Coming back, reading the post brought back to me, a particular thing we worked for in our project, which probably became the bane of my corporate existence. I worked on a project that managed a billing software for a telecom giant. Now the client being an old company had various discount schemes in place, and wanted to simplify the process, by forming one simple discount scheme, that would be applicable to all its customers. It was called UDS (Unified Discount Scheme) or VDS (Volume Discount Scheme). The concept was simple enough, the more you spend, or commit to spend, the greater is your discount. And that is all it was. There were slabs(quite like the income tax ones) and depending on which slab the customer belonged to, his discount was calculated. I hope I have not lost anyone here, but to make it clearer, each of the telecom customers, had to commit to a certain amount, say x, that they would spend. Now based on where x, fit into the discount table, his discount percentage would be fixed too. Suppose the table gives 5% to anyone who spends upto 30, 7.5% to anyone who spends between 31 and 60 and 10% to anyone who spends above 60, so if x is 43, the discount for the customer would be 7.5%. That is all this scheme was about. I read about it the first time, and thought this is so straight forward and simple, and left it that. That possibly was my biggest mistake.

There were conference room meetings to explain this to the team every couple of days. I used to sit through them silent, because I did not think it complicated at all. But then at one point I started wondering if I was over simplifying something, that was actually not quite that easy. I went through the documents again, and they just reinforced my understanding of the scheme. But the way the rest of my colleagues pretended to be solving a very complex problem, it just left me surprised. I say pretended, because if I can understand it, it should be nothing to someone, who has been working in that field for over 13 years right? But that did not seem to be the case. The girl who had joined with me, F, joined the bandwagon, pretended to be all indepth into it, something that did not have much depth if you ask me, she was shifted to a more 'important' subgroup, I guess because she was so enthusiastic and committed. Some of my senior colleagues, came and praised her abilities and understanding to me, and I still remained dumb, because the thing still looked so damn simple to me, that I did not understand what was so difficult to understand in it, by trained professionals, what was the damn fuss all about? And it was then that I realised, that working in an office, is not just about doing your job, doing it well or efficiently, but a hell lot about showing, possibly showing, more than actually doing the work. I could not deal with it, more because it hurt to see a project manager, who had spent years in her job, not being able to distinguish between true efficiency and pretense of dedication. When we had started on our project, F and I were given the same work, I would finish mine in half a day, and she would take 2 days to do the same. And trust me it was basic simple testing work, nothing that needed loads of time. But completing the job well in time, did not get labeled as efficiency, instead staying late on the day of the deadline, and doing it was termed as dedication. And that kind of pretense is just not my cup of tea.

I had two options, if I planned to continue to work there, either to give up, join them, and do what they all did, or accept my fate, and learn to live with bitterness and disgust. Since I could not deal with either, and I was fortunate enough to have the option of doing it, I quit. And believe me the first few months after I left, I could feel my irritation, anger and bitterness gradually dissolving, restoring me to my former self. And that is one of the reasons, I never ever want to go back to corporate life, where I need to fight and compete, and my efficiency alone,is not good enough for me to make my mark. Ofcourse, IT is not really my cup of tea either, and I don't want to fill my days doing that either. And when these memories come back to me, I feel happy and content being at home, not fulfilling my day maybe, but atleast away from negative influence.

[This is in no way to demean IT professionals, who work really hard and well, and more importantly enjoy their work. I have many a friend in the field, I should know! And maybe not every office or group is this way. And it is my personality because of which I cannot deal with the situation in an assertive way, and I really admire all the people, who manage their careers positively without getting overwhelmed.]

Addendum - Would really like to know if you get the UDS/VDS concept or does it really seem complicated to anyone???

The Romance Of A Lifetime

I love writing. Writing on paper, just about anything. When I was in junior school, I would just pick up a magazine or a book, and start copying the text on a notebook, on the pretext of improving my handwriting, but actually just enjoying writing. Just the feeling of running my writing instrument over a piece of paper, gives me a feeling of amazing calm and sometimes even an inherent feeling of happiness of some sort. I love writing, the old fashioned way.

The world today though is a world of electronic writing. Its all typed on our computers, and stored, writing on paper, is time consuming, and wastes precious resources as well, we are meant to believe. And without a doubt, the electronic media, gives us greater reach. Blogging cannot happen on paper can it? But that does not mean I don't miss having a legitimate excuse to write on paper. And the sad bit is that with the blitzkrieg of alternative forms of writing, the tools for old-fashioned writing have started to dwindle. And I miss them.

I have a big weakness for stationary, and it has taken me tremendous self control, to actually stop buying some each time, I see it. But of late, I have hardly seen anything that tempts me. I remember when I was in college, a visit to the stationary store would never be complete without atleast one pen purchase. The shopkeeper knew my room-mate and me so well within our first year, that he would always show us the new pens which had arrived, and have the test writing pad out, for us to try it, and pick a new one, or one of our regular favourites. I just loved pens, and the Mitsubishi ball point, the Reynolds Jetter and Reynolds Fine, were my regular favourites. My criteria when selecting a pen, is a fine nib. I am no fan of 'bold' writing, nor of fat, blunt nibs. I like my nibs to be fine and precise, and that was the main reason that these were my favourite pens, besides of course the fact that the price suited my pocket beautifully. The 'jetter' happened to be quite a precious possession in those days prices at Rs.18.

The images have been picked from their official website.(http://reynolds-india.com and http://www.uniball.com.au/ballpoint_range.html)

My favourite though is a classic fountain pen. I love filling ink in my pen from a bottle, and writing with it, somehow, feels very grand and classy. And I believe it is also a lot more environment friendly than using up huge amounts of plastic for the ball points and gel pens, where often there is no option to even replace the refill, and the pen simply needs to be discarded as a whole.College, required loads of writing, and high speed at that, so the ball points were favoured heavily over the fountain pens, but my love for them never really ebbed. Back in the era, when I first started writing with a pen, in school, it was compulsory to use ink-pens, and I think my fascination began right then. I remember spending hours washing my pens in warm water, cleaning them with a brush, sourcing syringes and needles to re-fill the cartridges, of the pens that could only be used with cartridges. It was something I loved doing. I even had a pen than had once belonged to my long deceased grandfather, and a Sheaffer at that. I adored that pen. But somehow its been a while now, since I have used an ink pen, and I cannot even find my favourite ball points here. So I ended up stocking on a pile of cheap thick nibbed, disposable pens, for use around the house, when I got here, but was rather unhappy about it.

So I started searching for reasonably priced fountain pens, from all my online research, the stores that seemed to be selling them, had only very high end ones, with prices in the region of $100, as a start. I was surprised, and saddened to know, that fountain pens seemed to have become a thing for connoisseurs only now. Students here, are not required to write with ink-pens when they receive their pen licence and are permitted to shift to a pen from a pencil, and that possibly is the main reason that fountain pens cannot be easily sourced around here. And I kept looking till, I found a store that sells mini-fountain pens really cheap at $1.75. Was I over joyed or what? I promptly walked up to the store and bought myself two. They did not sell the cartridges, and had only a cartridge each, in the pens, to start me off, and I was to buy the cartridges from elsewhere. And it is then that I realised that those plastic contraptions called ball-points and gel pens have so taken over the world, that it is almost impossible to find ink or cartridges. It took me a few weeks of asking around to find a store which sold them, and even with them, I had to place an order, so that they can source the thing for me. Its close to impossible to get myself a syringe and a needle here, so the cartridges cannot be recycled, and that leaves me with the option of going through the lengthy and expensive procedure of buying cartridges. But whatever it is, I am loving writing with the fountain pens, mini as they maybe.

My latest precious possessions, using them frequently maybe an expensive affair however.

I believe that fountain pens are more environment friendly, and they have a sense of romance and class about them. It would be great to encourage kids to take it up, and make them the preferred writing tools. I would hate to see them become obsolete, or antiquated technology visible only in museums.

Honesty - My Journey, My Way

Honesty is a value I hold above most others, in life. If you have been reading my blog, you know that it is in fact very important to me. But the interpretation of honesty has changed drastically for me, over the years. And I believe it is still evolving, though I would say I am in a happy place with my interpretation of it right now.

I was not a particularly honest child, when I look back. There was a lot of lying to save my hide from whipping as a kid. Lied through my teeth about test scores, getting in trouble in school, or anything at all that could get me into trouble with my parents or teachers. I don't think honesty as a concept meant anything to me, as a child, all I cared about, was to not get into trouble with elders. Hiding bad test results, tops the list ofcourse, and the number of stories I invented, I think I deserve some award for that! I have many funny tales to tell about those years now, hopefully someday to my grand-kids.

Then as a teenager, especially during the college years, it seems honesty came to mean, saying just about anything I thought or felt. It was all about speaking the truth. There was no stopping, no controlling, no censoring, what ever was spoken, had to be the truth. If a friend tried on a new body spray, that I did not particularly like and asked me how it smelled, prompt was the reply, "Yuck!". The fact that she felt bad, and I obviously knew that she did, did not make much of a difference. No filter was in place. being brazen was equated to honesty. It happened with me, and most of my friends, besides the few very sensible and matured ones. Though we knew, that giving an honest opinion or account of something may cause hurt or pain to someone, we dished it out anyways, because that was being outrageously honest! Honesty somehow was defined by being rude, it basically meant being able to dish out the ugly truth, no filters. I don't know if it was teenage arrogance, or if it hits everyone, but it definitely took a strong hold of me. While honesty in itself is a wonderful thing, but what I had then, does not seem nice to me today. Honesty cannot be a great thing, if it hurts can it? While the rest of the honesty bit seemed to be on track, but it was the blurting out of the unpleasant, without a thought, that marked 'honesty' back then. And that is what I distinctly remember as 'my honesty' in those times.

During the teenage years and for years into my twenties, my honesty was also defined as being an open book to everyone. Honesty equaled having no secrets in my books in those years. It had been true for most of my life, but these years were marked by the the nothing-to-hide attitude. It seemed like the whole world needed to be aware of every detail of my life, and that meant I was honest(huh??? Even I cannot get the logic of it now). This included defending my choices, explaining them in depth and more, to people who could not care less, and who did not need to know. But the foolish me equated that to being honest, and that is way it was.

And now, just a few days back, while chatting with a very dear friend, I realised, where my honesty really lay, and how calming this kind of honesty is. We were discussing something, and she pointed out very honestly that she felt I was being overly affected, and critical of something. It was completely honest, it was her clear and true opinion. And yet, she added, that she was just being bluntly honest, without any diplomacy, and she hoped I did not mind it. It did not really matter, since we are quite close. But those words mattered, because it showed that she cared, and that she did not want me to hurt, even slightly. And it is the fact that she cared about my feelings, more than just putting her honest opinion across, that ensures that our bonding remains. And that today defines honesty for me, truth that has meaning, and is pleasing. I don't need to be dishonest, all I need to do is care. Care about the feelings of others, and be honest in a way, that is truthful, but not hurtful. My honesty is not defined by aggression, nor is being genuine equated with having my life published for public consumption. I am honest but no longer brazen, candid, but not transparent. Honesty is now, what spreads happiness, and never ever hurts. It is what is honest in deed, more than words, and the act which is done with purity of heart and an honest purpose in mind. And I love honesty, the way I understand it now.

Growing Up To Be Different.

Of late I have been observing that the me that existed a few years ago, is different from the me of today in some ways, that I thought used to define me, and yet I believe I remain to be the same basic person. What surprises me, is that these changes have crept in without me really realising it consciously, till one fine day, it just stares me straight up in the face. Like an incident would occur, I will act/react and then, as is typical of me, thinking about it later, would realise that what I did, was not what I would have done a while back. Don't know if that means I am growing up, getting smarter, cynical, better or just plain old, but these changes are creeping up. And I thought it would be fun to pen down how I have changed, might help in a psyche evaluation if I need it some day.

I still value honesty highly, but I no longer believe I need to be an open book to the world, I don't feel any need to explain or justify myself. I realised this, when I met a friend after about 8 or 9 years. She asked me if I had slept with the GP, before getting married, unlike the earlier me who would have vocally and vehemently tell her, I just said, "I don't think I need to tell you". I surprised myself there, had never realised I don't feel the need to tell people all about me, or justify, or anything at all. Even when I was very sure about what I did, I would always go ahead and explain my point to just about anyone who would ask, oppose, have a different POV. Somewhere along the line, I have stopped wanting/needing to do it. Unless it is someone who really matters or really wishes to know, I don't give my reasons to anyone, anymore.

Still love people, friends, talking to them, online or in person or even over the phone. Though the in-person talking has become far and between now, a lot of online and phone talking still happens. And I enjoy them just as much, but somehow, I have recently found myself ending conversations, saying goodbye, and going away, when I need to. I could never do that earlier, don't know why, but I could never end conversations, they would only end when the other person would, and I would stay on, even if I really needed to be doing something else. I am happy I can do this.

I can be ' just acquaintainces' with people now. Something I could never manage earlier. I either made someone a friend, or we remained strangers, and there were of course the people I fell out with after being friends, where I held a grudge/pain/hurt forever. A big reason, for why I could never survive the corporate structure. Now, I can not-care or move on in case of a falling out or be just hi-hello-how are you kind of friends with people. I am so proud of myself on that one, it has taken a huge amount of effort on my part, to change this bit of me. This also means, I don't hold grudges or hatred for too long, unless someone continues to bother or bug me. I am upset for a bit, and then I am able to move on, even managing to maintain a normal relationship with the person in question.

I am no longer on top of everything, and I can live with that. I used to be a control freak in my own quirky way. I had to know everything I needed to know, I always knew how the finances were working, I always completed my scheduled tasks in time, most often before time, a day where I did not do something worthwhile, would drive me nuts. Now I can live in a messy house, atleast for a while, on most days I don't have any idea of how much money my wallet holds, I end up deciding(the bigger task) and then cooking a meal, just about an hour before it is meant to be served. And the other day I completely forgot about packing the GP's lunch, and he had to ask me where his lunch box was, for me to realise I had not packed it at all, and I did not feel all that bad about it either. Wow! I think I am learning to relax.

People who are very different from me in , don't feel all that different anymore. Unlike earlier, I find more similairities, than differences between others and me. The basic human nature is so common amongst all of us. And I like being able to connect in this way, rather than feeling all awkward and different. And the friendships I can now form, never used to happen before.

Do you think you have changed over the years too, and has that changed the core of the person you are?