The Month Of June, Me And Some More

A blogger ... do I qualify to be called one anymore? I don't know, and judging myself, I would say no. I have done just two posts in the whole of June, nothing that was thought provoking, or about things I think about, things that invoke the thinking-me, but just one-off updates on what has been up in the Goofy family. I don't think this post would be much different either. And honestly I don't think too many people are going to read it. For one, in a world inundated with professional writers, a nobody like me, hardly makes for good-writing, and so I have but a few readers, most of them read me just out of courtesy, since they have now also become my friends add to that the huge intervals in my posts, I really cannot expect people to come back and read now can I? And hence, secure in the knowledge that pretty much no-one is reading me, I will write haphazardly, just the way my mind works.

I am in a strange place right now mentally. I don't know if I qualify to be called a working-woman or an SAHM or even a part-time-working-mum. I seem to be somewhere in between all of that. Besides being tremendously self-satisfying, my work does seem to have all the downsides of working, and none of the upsides. I am working, but I don't make money. I spend time away from home, away from family, but gain nothing monetarily in return. Infact I end up spending quite a bit in my travel, eat-outs, day-care charges for the BB and such. Add to that, this work, comes with home-work (I am still training remember? So I have things to read up, assignments and presentations to work on), which means I need to dedicate time to it during the rest of the week. And with the commitment being 1 day a week, during training, and just half-day a week post that....... my slog-like-a-dog = work trained mind, cannot really accept this as work. And so if anyone asks me, I don't think I would say that I work. And hence I am in middle-land, and I really don't know what label will suit me the best. But what makes it all worth it, is the immense sense of self-satisfaction, finally understanding that I am in a field of work that I really like, and would love to pursue for the rest of my life. This is the kind of work that would leave me with a contended tiredness at the end of a hard day's work.

This month we celebrated the GP's birthday..... And I did not even do a post on it. So you can imagine, exactly how hard-pressed I am for time. I am the kind of person, whose writing and thinking is polished with practice, and when I have not posted in a while, my mind is all rusted and has very little to say, amazing thoughts, don't translate into more than just that one-line of the basic thought. And hence there was no post on his birthday. I think the GP being him was the least bit affected by it. Birthdays mean nothing to him, and unfortunately that emotion transcends even to the BB's and my birthdays. But on the up-side, that means there is not much I need to do for his. There was the customary cake, which the man, wanted, plain vanilla, with no icing. He is a all substance, no show man, and well, it shows. His birthday present was the much needed replacement of the laptop the BB destroyed, well let me be honest and say, that I just chipped in a bit of the cost. The BB and I wore new clothes for the day, while the GP himself did no such thing. And that is how the day was spent. Oh! yes, and an absolutely delightful Indian meal at a local restaurant. Loved it! It being the man's birthday, I only feel fortunate and thankful that he is mine, and supports me the way he does, inspires me to improve myself as a person, and guides me so well in that journey. Yes, if anyone needs it to be said plainly, I love him, for being mine.

All those with plain and at most times terrible hand-writings just like myself, was there anyone with that ornamental hand-writing in your school or college whom you completely envied for that. Well I had more than one. One of them is in-fact even a blogger. Her class-notes' notebooks, would be neater and prettier than my fair-copies. Its not just that the writings are cursive, or neat or beautiful, but what I envied most was the naturality with which it was produced. I would look at such peoples' handwriting, be inspired, and try to get there. Well I would atleast turn up my own work up, a few notches, but nothing to match these people, and most importantly, it would mean writing much slower and more consciously. Its been a long long time, since I have seen those gorgeous hand-writings, and I had pretty much forgotten about my own failings in the department, and was contented with my sloppy work. But then, just this weekend, my sweet loving GP, decided to buy me a fountain pen, after all, since I love it so much. He looked up the store online, and took me there. Its heaven for a stationery lover like me. The fact that pretty much everything in the store is more expensive than precious metals and stones, is not to be mentioned of course. But, then I digress. Just as I finalised a pen, and was testing the various nibs available with it, on a writing pad, I saw the words written by someone who had tried out a pen earlier, and I felt ashamed to even scribble on the same piece of paper. It was beautiful, like a work of art, and I stared at the words, 'Electric Dreams', written in beautiful cursive handwriting, in a clean straight line, on a plain piece of paper. I was once again engulfed in the shame of my own horrible hand-writing, like I was back in school-days. Even my best attempts don't compare. And I just wish I could have a beautiful cursive hand-writing. Surprisingly all the women in my family, right from my grandmother, have the kind of writing that can directly be printed on paper and sent out as greeting cards, and its just unfortunate that I never ever managed to pick it up. Forget pretty, my mindlessly written stuff, is not even neat. Even neat writing requires an effort at my end. The typing on a computer does not help much either, since I completely lose practice with my ability to write well with a pen. All those out there in the world, with a gorgeous, ornamental handwriting, I pay my obeisance to you.(A confession - The oldest lady in my training group, has one of those beautiful print-like handwritings, and I make a conscious effort to not sit next to her, so that I can concentrate on the session, more than stare at her writing and wallow in self-pity!)

I am still hoping that I can get back to more regular blogging, make more time in my day and do it. And hence I am not saying I have given up, even now. But what really happens, only time will tell.

Thoughts Of A day

Today is a day that has left me with a lot of thoughts, some pride, and some longing. And I think I will jot it all down under today's day!

Today was projected as a BIG day in my mind since the past couple of weeks. Reason? It is my training Wednesday, and the GP has gladly hopped out of town on business. I was pretty sure I would mess up the day in more ways than one, but fortunately I made myself proud. Wednesdays usually means, the BB is completely in the GP's care. I am out of the house before either one of the male members of this family wake up. So its upto the GP to clean, feed, dress and more, the BB, then drop him off at his day-care place, and since my training happens far away, the GP gets back earlier, and gets to pick up the BB on his way back too. But today I had to do it all, and atleast attempt to reach my training centre in time. For a moment last night, the idea of taking an off today loomed quite lucratively in my mind. Fortunately I did not take it too seriously, and instead, actually managed to get everything in order and get out of the house before 8. Dropped the BB off, did 'my thing' the whole day, got back picked him up, and got back home really late and tiered, but proud that I was able to pull it off, without any hitch. That there, is the bit that gives me the pride.

The longing is for the GP. I am missing him terribly, especially in these long dark winter evenings, which give me nothing to look forward to. Just eagerly waiting for my man to be back soon! The entire day just passes, but the long evenings get really boring without the GP coming home, and changing the pace of things. Thankfully the BB does not get all cranky, I would not know what to do, if he did.

And now for the thoughts, there are loads. Each day at the training I am realising how similair human nature is all around the world, how the feminist issues remain the same, and women are facing similair problems everywhere! Never thought that domestic violence, exploitation, domination, issues common to women across the globe. Its amazing how many wonderful women, are making time to volunteer. Some of their personal stories have shaken me up so much, that I have no idea, if I would have made it out alive, of the kind of situations they have been through. Just gives me, so much to truly admire and get inspired from. In this world, there are people who have pretty much everything, and cannot stop cribbing about how they get the raw end of things, and then I see these amazingly stellar women, who have the true strength to have gone through what they have, and then concretely give back to the world.

I am not sure, that this is politically correct, but I am saying it anyway. Besides me, there is another Indian girl/woman in my training group, and the pain she is taking to avoid me, is really getting irksome now. I find it really disconcerting, when we all pop in a hi - hello to each other, and she makes a conscientious effort to avoid me. At all times she ensures, she never makes eye-contact with me, or is not alone with me somewhere. Its strange because she is actually taking a lot of effort to do all of that. It has been that way from the very first day of training, but I never bothered, but four weeks into it, and now its really getting a bit too obvious to ignore. I just want to send her a brain wave saying, don't worry, I am not dying to be your friend, either! The world can indeed be quite strange at times. Racism???

The rest of the women are all very very warm and friendly, and more than anything it is such a learning opportunity, just being around them. Its wonderful how everyone makes an effort to sit with different people each time, and thus, interact with a different person at each session. Each one has a story to tell, and believe me, everyone of them inspire me with what they do, how much they pack into their weeks, their lives, and many with what they have endured, and yet turn out to be the kind of people they have. Awesome and Inspiring!

Popping Up A Bit!

Life suddenly seems to have taken a quantum leap in space. It has infact become quite unrecognisable, from what it was a few weeks back. Its strange how just one day of training, can change so much in a life. Its not just the day, but my entire attitude towards everything, that has undergone a complete change. I am also learning to knit, so that keeps me busy in my free moments too.

There is a lot that has happened, so much infact that it would be quite unfair to document it all in just one post, and yet knowing how my life is going these days, I would rather just squeeze it all in this single post, rather than lose the opportunity to share it all, over here. I have been completely off the blogging circuit, reading, posting or commenting, and while I don't particularly miss those bits, in fact I don't find the time to miss it. But I miss my blogging friends, I miss them more than I can express in words here. And yes you know who you are!

There was one huge marital fight between the GP and me, the last week, and I was amazed at how it went, and what happened. We fight, very often and lots, but this one, it was different in more ways than one. For once we did not go all, kid-like, and had a civil argument, very mature, and adult-like. Face to face talking, a very very big step for me. And I think I can say our life has changed for the better post that. A lot of unsaid issues were brought forth, some pushed-under-the-carpet topics were dragged out from there, and discussed up front. Over all an amazing sense of closeness, sharing, and understanding was established at the end of the war zone, and all I can say is, it was simply super-duper amazing. If fights can be such, I welcome them time and again in my marriage!

The BB has decided to blabber non stop, from the moment he wakes up now, and its just a lot of fun. He has settled down amazingly at the day-care centre, and for the very first time, even said a 'bye-bye' to me, when I dropped him there last afternoon. Oh! I felt so happy. His tremendous attachment to me, seems to have suddenly diminished, leaving me feeling confused. He happily goes off with the GP, without wanting me, I can be dropped off somewhere, while he goes off with his father, and he would not care two hoots, and many many more such things. While I am happy he is gaining that emotional independence, it would be a blatant lie to say, I am unaffected. Ofcourse it hurts, it hurts to know that I am not needed quite as much, by the boy, who loudly claims himself to be papa's boy repeatedly all through the day! And then he has finally managed to destroy one of the laptops at home, fortunately for me, it wasn't mine. For all the playing around the BB can do with the laptops, he is allowed to play his games and things on ours. But the other day, he decided to sit with a glass of water alongside, and managed to spill it all onto the laptop. Surprisingly enough the laptop kept working for a day or two after the incident. But when it was shut down after that, it just never woke up again! I am amazed at how calm the owner, that is, the GP is. He did not even scold the BB much, and I had to perform the task. So I am officially the meanie of this household.

Did I tell you ever what a wonderful man I have for a husband? If not, then hear it now. He is the best. I am amazed at the amazing support I am receiving from him for my volunteer work and training. Though the BB spends the day at day-care on my training Wednesdays, if I need to spend a couple of hours on other days there, the GP does so much to see that it goes through, that it is amazing. I don't think I could have done this with anyone but him by my side. Life does have its tests, isn't it? I have my training just once a week, and on the night-before the second training session, the BB decides to come up with a fever. I was a lot more relaxed than the last time, since the GP was home this time, but felt terribly disappointed about having to miss the session. The fever though subsided almost immediately and did not come back all night or in the morning that followed, but day-care was definitely not an option for us that day. I knew I would miss my chance at the learning completely if I missed the session, and was feeling really sorry for myself. My darling of a husband, promptly took his day off work, stayed back home with the lil BB, while I headed off for my day at training. And tehy even dropped me off! Yes, its all about equality, feminism, etc etc etc many women would say, but may I just add here, that he is still the only earning member of the family, on whom rests the sole responsibility to keep us thriving. Touch wood, that he is all mine!

And then comes the most special part of my activities of late, my training. Its simple awesome, and in so many ways! I don't remember, ever in my life being a part of anything educative, and not wanting to just fall asleep instead. But this, well I just love what I am learning, and more importantly the wonderful discoveries I am making about myself along the way! The group of women is so varied and just so simply diverse, that it makes the whole experience just that much more enriching. Our trainers, are women with such kindness, empathy and wisdom, that it is a privilege to just be in their presence. And every woman who works for the organisation, just has such an aura, a class, a sense of presence about them. They each have their own personalised style, a panache and a sense of such immense confidence with empathy too boot. The training group is such an eclectic group too. Some women there, do so much more volunteer and charity work, that it is absolutely inspiring. I believe the oldest lady in our group is close to eighty, and yet she is so sprightly and fresh. I am making friends, and learning things just through the personal interactions. In someways, I feel like I am finally back home, a place where I like being, where I want to be, a place which inspires me to actually wake up early in the morning, and take the effort to get there. For now, it seems too good to be true, and I just hope I don't jinx it any. And I think only because I am loving it as much as I am, I am not in tears each morning that I leave the BB and go. The very first day, when I was on my way in the tram, and did not really know what it would be like, I found myself close to tears at the thought of having left the BB, to go out to do my own thing. It has been easier in the weeks that followed. And I did I tell you the GP actually gets him fed, dressed and everything and drops him off to the day-care on those days? Another big point to him!

The GP's birthday is coming up, a week from now, and I am already wondering what to do. All ideas on celebrations and gifts are most welcome people. These are the most important things that have been happening in my life the past few days/weeks. Add to that lots of dinner guests, and general guests, and homework, and cooking, and some more, and you will understand, how it has become such a tough task for me to stay on my laptop for more than five minutes at a time. Please do update me on what is up with you!