Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Reality Bites

There was once a mother, a long long time back, with a small child, who dreamed and hoped for time, when someone else would take over her child for a while, and she would enjoy some free time. The time came, a couple of years too late, she had by then been maternalised(just like one gets institutionalised). And then she realised, all the free time in the world would mean nothing now, when her heart and mind was bound to her child.

Today I was home all day, and the BB was not. He was having a pyjama-day with his teddy bear for company at his day-care centre. There was a teddy-bear picnic and some. Good thing he was not as miserable as me. Its simply terrible being alone at home. I have lost that ability, in the past three and half years. I was terrified of the day ahead, and even though I had over six unwatched movie CDs lying with me, I did not feel like watching even one. Earlier, I would have a million ways to pass my time, today, none appealed to me. I forced myself through one movie till lunch time, and the thought of sitting and eating alone at that point, overwhelmed me. It was a strange feeling watching the movie without any interruptions at all, or worrying about keeping the volume low, so that the BB would not be disturbed while he slept. A couple of times, just out of habit, I turned the volume down, only to realise later, there wasn't a little warm body asleep, upstairs! I wonder if I have indeed become a pathetic needy mother.

I was not ready to eat alone, so out I went, into the wet cloudy day. Walked to the ATM, got some cash, and then walked the exact other way, passed by my home, and walked on to the closest mall. And what do you think I did? Bought some clothes for the BB. (Yes, I am hopeless, I know it. But then again, what's so bad about being totally in love with my own child, and wanting to be around him. ) Well, a few of his clothes have gone missing from his day-care. He messed up the clothes he was wearing, and they changed him. The spoiled clothes were wrapped and kept in a plastic. And the ever careless GP, picked up the BB in the evening minus the bag. He did not even realise that the BB was in a different set of clothes. Tells you a lot about men does it not? And now, the clothes are nowhere to be found, so I might as well think them gone. What hurts is they were my favourite sweatshirt and trouser for the BB. Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh! Anyway, the shopping really did cheer me up, just as I expected it would. I definitely did take all the time in the world, so that I could stay away from home. Came in really late and hungry. Gobbled up some leftovers for lunch, and by then it was time to prepare dinner. And I was happy to have that to do.

The BB came home, and I felt like, I could breathe again. I showed him his new clothes, and he loved them, wanted to wear almost all of them together. That made me really glad. And before you knew what was happening, from his day in pyjamas, he immediately shifted into his swanky new clothes and pranced around the house. Money well spent, is what I will say!

But I realise now, that I need to work on being alone at home, without wanting to run out and away. And I also understand, that when I actually get the alone time, it is not as wonderful as it was in my imagination. For all my pretense of frustration at having no time alone, I now know, that I really can't handle it. I have re-learn the joys of being alone doing my own thing. Because once the BB starts school, and I am still home bound, I will end up with serious bouts of depression. What a roller-coaster journey, motherhood is!


Anonymous said...

time for baby no. 2 then :)

Passionate Goof said...

Tara - Not right now..... :(

Mystic Margarita said...

It's very hard for mothers to let their kids go....but that's we have to learn, little by little. At least, now, the kids still need us, but it won't be too long before they have their own friends and activities - so it's very important for moms to have some hobbies/passions to fall back on. I so get what you've been feeling....big hugs!

Mystic Margarita said...

Oh! And I second what Tara said! :D

Passionate Goof said...

Mystic Margarita - I have a million things to do, or that I love doing, but its just that I did not feel like doing any of them! :( And Tara and you are queued ahead of me. Tara needs to have a first and Popol is older than the BB isn't it??

Mystic Margarita said...

Hey! I did not mean to imply that you don't have stuff to do - I'm very sorry if it came across that way. Of course, I know you're super busy with your training, and you have a host of diverse interests. I was just writing what I keep telling myself all the time - that there will come a time when P won't need me and I had have something better to do than mope around, feeling useless. I've seen too many women feel that way, more so the ones who had decided to stay home with their kids. That's why I plan to get back to the workforce when P starts going to school full time.

Passionate Goof said...

Mystic Margarita - Oh my! I did not feel that way at all. Was just saying ..... that I did not feel like doing anything at all..... I knew your comment was well meant, and I understood exactly what u meant. So don't worry. :) Was just trying to explain my state of mind to you! And yes, I don't want to mope around once the BB grows up, and gets his own life either, but I don't want to go to the other extreme of selfish living either. It will be difficult to maintain the balance u know! Will mail u in detail about this.

Anonymous said...

ditto here.

only that my son is 27 months old. MY ex-colleagues and friends keep saying that it's time for him to go to day care for few hrs. Even I feel that way when he is bored and keep throwing the ball inside the kitchen begging/pleading/crying for me to come and out play with him. But there are endless chores/cooking to do for which I allot some time amidst my entertaining duty.
My husband takes care of him in the evening and they go out every day. when I get time for myself what do I feel. I feel exactly what you feel

" I have a million things to do, or that I love doing, but its just that I did not feel like doing any of them '.
I miss him when he is not around. I am sure he will get over me if he goes to day care within first week itself. But I am going to sulk and feel miserable for sure. I too feel guilty at times for wanting my son all the time.

There is a desi mom on the other side of the world who exactly feel about things and life like you, in so many ways.


Passionate Goof said...

Anon - The dual sword of guilt, and the need to make the child independent.... that my dear is motherhood. Whatever we choose, the other end will always come down to slice up our hearts.