Bulletin Board Friends

It worries me, it bothers me, and when I let it grow, it claws at me heart. No, I am no perfect person, I know it. And for all the flaws I have, I used to take relationships and friendships seriously, a bit too much at times I think. But experience made me harder, the part of the heart that was soft and nurtured loving relationships, kept getting hurt and healing time and again, and finally the scab never went away. It replaced, the softness there, with its hard shell, and is now there to stay. But as they say, old wounds hurt more than new ones, because their roots still lie within.

What prompts me to say this? Well, besides, it being a totally crappy day today, its the second time this week, I received communication from someone, who does not have time to even send out a one line e-mail in a whole year. It is strange how people, who cannot spare five minutes in a whole year, suddenly think of me when important happy events come into their life, and expect me to go all ballistic about it. Honestly, I am happy for you, but it is beyond me now to go all gooey over your happiness, because you are one of the reasons I have scab instead of softness in a part of my heart. And well, yes, I remember. Am I being vindictive I wonder really, but this is my natural response, because I am hurt and withdrawn.

One of my oldest friends, who pretty much takes no efforts ever to stay in touch, facebook et all, all being in place. Every time I have called her, she has told me how busy she is with life, and cannot find time. Truth be told I have heard this from many people, and it either means the person thinks I have no life and hence can devote all my time to them, or they simply don't want to stay in touch. It could be either, so again after repeated mistakes, I have learnt to step away, and let them lead their really busy lives. And yes, I don't believe anyone is ever that busy!! Coming back to my friend, I last spoke to her on Diwali, when I called, which was I think almost a year since I had last spoken to her, and I admonished her for not staying in touch. She said things would change, which obviously did not. And I finally decided I had tried, enough and was just not willing to be anyone's doormat anymore, so I gave up. It hurt more because she to me always was a dear friend, and to know how little I must have meant to her, to not even try to maintain a relationship, is what pricked me the most I believe. That was that, till last week, I got a cryptic, telegram like mail from her, telling me she was having a baby. 2 lines, and that was it. I know its mean, but I am too hardened after the many many years that things have been this way between us, to know how to react. I felt like an in-law, whom, one needs to inform of such happenings in their life, no matter how unwillingly its done. I replied back, congratulating her husband and her, and just could not go on any further, because my resentment still stands strong. And I wonder what is the point of it all anyway, if we are not even going to be in touch. I hated myself for being this way. And yes, what I thought was a closed chapter was reopened with pricking and clawing yet again. I wish I was bigger, I could let go, and reply with a huge long mail, and maybe more, but it has been so so so many times now, that I just don't have the will left to be the one trying to make it work, while she as always remain busy.' I should have anyways seen this coming since the many times you have happily forgotten even my birthday, to drop me a line of wishes. I just feel like a fool, that I let you mean so much to me, when I did not mean a dime to you. I feel like a fool, that I actually missed your wish, even though I had so many others wishing me truly and deeply.

The second mail arrived today. Again an old friend, from work. He had moved away and gotten too busy to stay in touch. Many many mails and messages remain unanswered over the years. And today there is a mail saying he is getting married, and with a positive claim, knowing I will have loads to ask him, and that he is eagerly waiting for me queries. I understand his excitement and joy, wanting to share it with someone, but then why me? Cannot just drop someone off, and then pick them up from wherever you like, whenever you like. I just did not know what to say. I congratulated him, and replied, saying I unfortunately have not much to ask, but would love to hear whatever he has to tell.

I realised a lot of things from these interactions.

The older a relationship, the greater is its power over us. I was more worked up by the first mail than the second. I have more resentment towards my oldest friend than the guy who I worked with.

Relationship dynamics don't change much, unless both people are ready to make it work. One person cannot work for two in any relationship.

While it may feel good to be the better person, trying your best in a friendship, persisting, eventually it breaks down my self esteem, and makes me feel like a door mat being trampled on, when the other person will not as much as turn their head, to maintain it.

Closure works for me, when I stay away from the source of hurt, it comes back with a bang, if the person comes back.

I have become a lot harder, and I am not happy about that, over the years. I hate being resentful and mean, I hate it.

I want to believe its their loss and not mine, but it is me who feels hurt and not them. I don't know what karmic debt I owe to these people. But I have paid enough really!

If the basic values between me and someone is different, its best not let the person into my heart and mind, because no matter how good things seem to begin with, eventually, we will grow apart, and I for one will always hate that.

I don't expect people to call me everyday, I understand that it gets too expensive for a lot of my friends in other parts of the world. But how much does an e-mail cost you? Once a month? No one in the world can honestly claim that they cannot spare 5 minutes in a whole month, so please stop giving me stupid excuses. And how hard is it to hit the reply button on your e-mail, and jot down a few lines to a truly concerned person. A lot possibly, when the person is a bother more than a boon. Good enough. Let me walk away now. I am trying hard to maintain control and not tell you all of this personally, because I don't want to be the prick in the balloon of your joy. I just wish I had it in me, to be indifferent enough, to not be bothered at all by all of this. I hate this state of resentment, I just hate it!