Thursday, December 3, 2009

Single Ya Double?

How do you like to live your life? Being single and free to mingle, or much married/into a relationship, a cosy twosome? What appeals to you, being where you are, or does the other side of the fence look much greener?

Its been a while now, since I have been wondering about how I like it, being a married, family woman that I am, or would I have preferred being single, playing the field (as if!!) and doing exactly what I want to do, whenever and wherever. Loads of my friends from school and college, are still unmarried and even unattached to anyone in particular. Their photo albums on social networking sites are full of photos of the vacations they are going on with friends, or parties or general fun stuff they do. Their life looks so seductively gorgeous. Would I want it? Would I? You mean, no needing to take care of a house, no cooking and feeding a child, no need to get off the Internet to put a child to sleep, watching exactly what I want on TV all the time, going out with friends, just about anywhere and anytime I want to....... who would not? But then that would also mean not having that one someone I can trust with my life, yes indeed, there is no single friend of mine who I could do that with, no one to nurse me when I am unwell, not having someone on the bed I sleep in, no one to come home to, no one to fight and make-up with, no one to miss when I am away from them, and then I am not sure I want to go that way at all.

I am sure there are loads of very happy single people, but I know that is not the way I want it, that is not what will make me happy. I need commitment in any relationship I have, be it a friend, a parent or anyone at all. And its quite naive to expect complete commitment from unrelated people in today's days and times. Some lucky ones do find it, I have not. One of my oldest and closest friends is untraceable now. I have been trying to call her, since I got to India, but the phone is switched off, as is her husbands. My e-mails remain unanswered. A blog-friend, who I thought was quite close, and I really wanted to speak to, never called, I had pretty much forced my contact number down her throat I think. (If you are reading this, you know who you are, and I am completely OK, if you don't wish to or cannot call.) I love both of them dearly, and they are no less my friends now, than they were before, but had I been single, and really counted on these friends, I don't think I would have survived for too long. Friends may remain or not, sometimes its distance, sometimes its lack of equal feelings, sometimes being in different stages of life, we cannot expect a consistency, until we live together, or at least almost. Then what happen to someone like me, who is actually like an emotional creeper (not a good thing, I know), I either beg people to be my friend, or become super clingy, or just simply super-pessimistic in life. None of which sound like a great way to be. For people who are strong and capable of complete emotional independence(if that is indeed really possible) or are fortunate enough to find a super-duper soulmate kind of friend, or have a great great family to live with, it works out I think, but for me, its not the way to go.

Hence this is to say, I am happy, married, a mother. I have my own person, to be with me forever, with whom I have no constraints, secrets, hassles or any such thing, and who is there with and for me any hour of the day or night. I think that really rocks. And also makes me realise how much I am missing the DH who is far far away from me, since the past ten days now, and I still have some days to go, before I see him again. Lucky me, that the BB is with me, and the DH has managed to find us an accommodation in Melbourne, which means I leave on the scheduled day, and do not need to postpone my move.

So what works for you, are you happy where you are, or would you rather be in the other group? How many of you think, you are a couple, but have tons of fun with your friends too? If you do, then do you think your dynamics with these very friends would remain the same even if you were single? Tell me what you think!!


Swapna Raghu Sanand said...

Loved your post. You are right. It works for some people to stay happily single and others to enjoy the joys and responsibilities that come with marriage. I am married and love being married, of course. It has not been easy because I'm very unconventional in the way I think and live my life, not the Indian wife material as such but I've been lucky to meet and marry someone who loves me as I am and wouldn't like to change an iota of the person I have always been.

However, most of my friends say they are happy being single because it gives them the freedom to pursue life and material benefits with total focus and abandon.

About your question about dynamics with these friends, the truth is that I am able to nurture and develop more good, solid friends after marriage. I think I've got the best of both worlds. Touchwood.

Shrutzz said...

Everything comes with a PACKAGE of positives and Negatives..Am a family woman, very happy with my hubby whom I madly fell in Love with, dated for yrs before we tied the knot. wow, what a amazing feel to live with the person whom you love so much. It does have its own constraints, also cos I live with In-laws. I do not get to meet up frens often and no odd time decisions, It has rules and I need to abide by it. It surely looks greeener on the other side at times, given that my closest fren is a single woman living life HER WAY. I do feel so jealous of her partying, clothes she wears, decision she takes, and many other things which I can't dare or think of doing!!!!!

I have chosen this way and love it when I have hubby sitting next to ok with rules and those adjustments with In-Laws ....see, I can't have all the things under the sky at same time..its what we choose...

M@ria said...

I have been married to close to 4 years and my life as a married girl is almost no different than what I was in my single days!!

I mean i still hang out with friends/hubby (who was earlier my boy friend)at the cool joints we used to earlier, we still party, go shopping, holidaying, some very spontaneous things too...very much the same stuff as before. I get up and sleep at the time i want to, go wherever and whenever i want to. So i really haven't noticed much of a change...except that now I don't live with parents and now I have my own home...which i enjoy very much :)Yes, there are new additions like getting veggies and home stuff and arranging the house...but its all fun and we both love it!

I think, if we had kids, the change would be more noticeable. but for is rocking! thank god! mashaallah! :)

Rakesh said...

Life does look greener on the other side and I may feel like really bogged down with so little time to do stuff that I want to but whatever I may say, my wife has become a habit I can't live without.

Smitha said...

GM, A post after my own heart :) I love being double ;) I love everything about it. I don't even recall how it was before we got married- the fact that it was 9 long years ago, must add to it. But seriously, I love having a soulmate, a companion I can rely upon, somebody with whom I am myself. Who knows me for what I am. I have a lovely birth family too - and they are a great support too - but the support that my husband is- is still something I value - a lot.

sraikh said...

I love doing both. Planning things as a couple. Or as a family/ And then most importantly doing things which make me happy.
See examples I have listed below

1. Going to the beach with kids
2. Anniv dinner with spouse and kids stay home with a sitter
3. Going out thrifting on Sat afternoon, while spouse was at home with kids

This was just this past week. I know.. I am perfect.

Passionate Goof said...

Swapna - Touchwood for finding the right man. I believe I am better with friends post marriage too, and for me I guess that my absolute need for them has reduced, and hence an occasional let-down or two does not tremendously disappoint me.

Shrutzz - As they say, we win some and we lose some. I am fortunate that I don't live with in-laws, and so continue to have my will and wish, but having a child creates a lot of constraints too.

Maria - I know what you mean, I had that idyllic life for a few years till the BB came along. It just rocks, and I am sure you are in a super happy place.

Rakesh - I am sure you can't!

Smitha - Oh! I love being a couple too, it just gives me so much of strength and a strong sense of security.

Sraikh - You are funny woman, and yes you are wonder woman too!

chandni said...

I have the best of both worlds for now...married as well as free to do my own thing :)

I go out whenever i want, with whomsoever I want, cook if I want to, not if I don't want to!

MRC said...

Hi there,

First, thanks for putting the link from your old place, have been a silent lurker on your blog and was waiting to see more of your writing.

As for this post, well, it's so nice to know that there ARE other women like me who are blissfully,unapologetically triple.I make acquantaince type friendships very easily and enjoy spending time with a few close friends,but I'd prefer my husband's company anyday,because HE is my best friend and emotional anchor.