Why Do We Hesitate?

There is just one friend I have, in this whole wide world, with whom I can talk about my spiritual beliefs, without a second thought. Anywhere else, and I would have to keep interjecting the flow with things like, maybe you would find this strange or I don't know if you believe in this and similair expressions or better still, never mention anything at all. And it is not just me, but most other people too, who become very conscious while talking about such things. And I wonder why.

The determinedly religious people, have a lot to say, the followers of rituals, openly flaunt their status, the ones with scant belief in any higher power, vehemently say so, but the ones who believe in spirituality, energies, vibrations, are the ones who are almost always apologetic about having their say, inspite of having firm belief in their thinking. I pretty much never talk about what I think, and though they form a strong part of who I am, these beliefs pretty much never appear in this space. And besides that one friend and the DH, there is no one I openly discuss these matters with. The more I think about it, the more I believe that I don't do it, because I don't want to explain my beliefs to people, and especially to ones. with a diametrically opposite line of thought, more so, because religion and spirituality are very close to the heart of most people who have any kind of faith or belief in such things, and arguing about it is just pointless. The second reason being that my beliefs are not tangible, and hence the fear of being ridiculed, holds me back, the fear of being branded a loony.

I realised this reason very very recently, when I met an old neighbour, who has recently become involved with a spiritual mission, which has a modern world guru and is working in-depth in serving mankind and leading a good life. People who make such activities an active part of their life, are highly motivated, and are likely to talk about the higher goals of life at most times. As she started talking about her experiences, positive vibrations, a new lifestyle, she at once said. "You may think I am crazy, but...", and she continued. And I realised that indeed, the fear of being thought of as someone who is nuts, is part of the reason, I never freely talk about my views or beliefs. I was very very impressed by all that she had to say, mainly because it appealed to my logical mind and spiritual beliefs. Another person who was present there on the other hand, later, indeed commented, saying she felt the lady has become too religious and has nothing else left in her life. I on the other hand admired her immense motivation to stay put on that path to enlightenment, inspite of living in society and completely understood her desire to spread the word around.

I still am not going to start talking about what I think, because my thinking is neither evolved enough to be spread around, nor am I over my barriers yet. But I just wanted to wonder about why we hesitate, or do you guys never, or is it just something that is not quite up there in the priority of things? I don't know whether there are signs, I am not smart enough to spot them yet, but there seems to be a strong force pushing me towards opening up to my spirituality, and being more active about that part of life. My old neighbour, a new reality show on television about past lives, my many health issues which seem to have very little medical explanations, and many such things. But I somehow wonder if I can go that way, living the life I currently do. I hope that someday when the BB is grown up enough, I am able to give up the pleasures and attractions of this world and head to attain my spiritual goal. I said that to someone, and I was called crazy on the face, and that it is impossible to ever cut off the worldly ties. I don't know, whether I can ever indeed, head out and become an ascetic, or if I can indeed work towards a higher spiritual plane, but what I do know is that right now, there are way too many things talking to me, telling me that I need to work harder towards it, and I know if I don't do it, the calling will pass, and I will go back into my life with its cycle of wants-needs-desires-attachments-disappointments-hate-frustration-anger even deeper. And yet I know, this point in life is not where I can break away or step out, but is the point where I can try and work harder towards becoming a better person, so that I can influence the BB in a positive way too.

This post maybe quite incoherent, and terribly written, my thoughts itself are not perfectly clear at this point in time, and I believe this post reflects just that.