Saturday, August 22, 2009

Don't Come Asking For My Wedding Album

because I don't have one. No, I did not lose it, nor was it destroyed, it just never came into existence. Since there was nothing to make one with. Yes, there is not one single photo of the day I got married. Not one. One of the biggest regrets of my life? Yes, it is. I don't know how I looked, I have nothing to show to my kids or my grandchildren. I have no wedding pics.

It kills me each time I think of it, it really does, but what can I do, except regret. Could not exactly force people to click a photo of me could I? It is a one time thing, atleast for me. I know I will never marry again, and this is said to be one of the biggest days in a person's life is it not? There was no wedding finery involved, just a plain cotton churidar-kurta, some junk jewellery and a bindi in place I think. And yet, it was my wedding day after all. I don't have a single photograph of myself from that day, not one single one.

My wedding itself is a long filmy story, one I think of with regret, awe, a sense of adventure at different times, but whatever it was, I have no memories to revisit, except the ones in my mind. And none that I can ever share. Honestly I don't have any idea how I looked on that day, and I would never ever know. The DH is not the kind of poetic man, who would describe me eloquently, I doubt he even remembers for that matter. I want it, I want photos, I want to see it, to feel the day, to revive the memories, but it is not for me to have I guess. I cannot fight against everything you know, and sometimes I just have to suck it up, and move on.

Another bigger regret in my life is not celebrating the BB's first birthday in the biggest way possible. He deserves it, and I wanted it. To be honest, post marriage there has not been a single big celebration in my life, except for the party my parents threw, when we visited them early this year. that was the first party the BB had. The first birthday had a cake, and some oily disgusting food ordered from out, for the adults, the birthday boy himself had nothing special. An elderly relative decided to settle himself in our home, on the pretext of a bad back for an entire fortnight, and made sure no celebrations take place. His only plans for the birthday celebrations were drinks for himself. I don't want to go into details, which will just make me seethe. Nothing was done, except for a cake cutting, and the photos are of me sweating like a sow, in a completely worn out disgusting T-shirt, and the BB dressed up in some nice clothes cutting his cake. We did not go out for a meal, pretty much did nothing. The DH, claims it does not matter, because the BB was way too young to understand or even enjoy. He has to, it was his relative after all. Even if I agree, it matters to me, I remember, and what do I show the BB when he grows up as his birthday celebrations? His first birthday was very very special to me, and I hate the fact that it was nothing but like any other wimpy day, with a measly cake cutting to show for it.

The lack of celebrations for the BB's first birthday is a bigger regret for me, than the absence of my wedding photos, because the wedding photos were not under my control, the birthday celebrations were, and I did nothing. I blame myself totally for it, I don't think I will ever forgive myself on that count. Keeping the million excuses, and that horrible relative aside, I am still at fault. Can we ever turn time back?

I will publish this now, before I lose the nerve, and put it up. I am in a totally frustrated state of mind, which brings up all old regrets, so please excuse the errors in this post.

16 comments:

Rakesh said...

Wow, we gotta listen to that long love story of yours...

And with regard to baby birddays, even I tell my wife the same thing, they don't understand now so no use celebrating in a big way. The purpose is for them to have fun and if they don't understand, what's the purpose of us having fun at their bird day?

Monika said...

I always say that first birthdays are for parents to celebrate, seriously I am sure he will not remember any of this, yes u will have memories forever but for him it would have made no difference... So from BB's point of view, dont be sad

Yes it was a big day for u both, a celebration of 1 yr of parenthood I understand... but u have his memories for all year long so cheer up

But hey this wedding thing no good...
1. we want to hear the story
2. u could have given a camera to someone and ask to click snaps, i would have done that... I am quite shameless that way ;-)

Sraboney said...

Hey, please blog about your love story...Dying to read about it...

Mamma mia! Me a mamma? said...

Oh my! I had no idea about your wedding album! Or rather, the lack of it. My heart goes out to you! My album was put together by a very shoddy and unprofessional photographer, the very thought of which makes the MIM and me still seethe! I shall be grateful now...

And your wish to have a party for BB not being fulfilled? OMG, it makes me want to cry! I can feel your pain and your anger!

Go all out for his next birthday, girl! For him as well as yourself! You owe it to both of you :)

Smitha said...

I am sure BB is not going to mind not having his 1st birthday celebrated properly. Am sure he will enjoy his many birthdays to come far more. But I understand how important it is for you, as a parent.. I think every little thing related to our babies is so important for us, isn't it?

As for your wedding, that is sad.. Despite the fact that we hardly ever open the album - it still makes me happy that we have it.. And yes, would love to hear your story.

Passionate Goof said...


Since you all asked, my love story is simple boy meets girl in college thing. They become friends,fall in love, after crossing a few hurdles, get married. After marriage, life is like any married couple.......What details do you want guys, the.... crazy wedding???


Rakesh - You are a guy right, so I don't expect you to think differently!

Monika - Well I try not to be. AT my wedding, I was so super scared and nervous, that I did not dare to do that. there was even a camera present, but no photos were clicked.

Bones - There it is.

M4 - Put things in perspective for you did I not? ha ha ha. But really I usually don't crib because I see people so much worse off, that it makes me feel wrong to crib. But then you know there are those days when I am completely off the rocker. About the birthday, I could do that in India, where we have friends and family, but here there are not that many people we know to have a huge celebration.....and i wonder where I will be on his next birthday.

Smitha - I know, it is important to me, and i would have loved to show him what a great time he had for his birthday. The love story is right at the top of this comment. ;)

indianhomemaker said...

My wedding album does not have my favorite photographs, infact I dislike us in that album. But I know if it wasn't here I would have missed it still... but do blog abut how you got married! I join in the chorus, tell us your love story :)

First birthdays are fun - for kids also if they get to do all the things they love to do. Balloons, friends, eats and cake don't matter much at one. If all the other birthdays (and all other days) are filled with happy moments you will have tons of albums to show him :)

Pixie said...

Hugs PG!!
Major Hugs!
Don't feel bad ok?
To make sure you feel better, celebrate his second birthday just how you want it!
It may not be the first one, but, his second B'Day is equally important na? :)

Make your memories there sweetie. :)

And yes, want your full love story! All the details!! :) :)

thethoughtfultrain said...

Hugs for you Goof! I can imagine how frustrated you must be feeling. Maybe you guys should do something totally whacky for bb's second birthday party - something which is like loads of fun for the 3 of you! Party varty is long out of fashion! As for wedding photos, try getting married to the same guy again and take pictures!! I did it! :D

Mystic Margarita said...

Hugs, PG. Your post reminded me of Namesake where Ashok tells the little Gogol that since they've forgotten the camera, they would have to lock in their minds the memory of the beautiful seascape - they'd have to remember its beauty as they won't have a snap to remember it by.

And at the end of the day, 'memories recollected in tranqility' are indeed the best pictures. :) So, make the most of those memories and don't let them fade.

Passionate Goof said...


Pixie - Thanks. :) that cheered me up for sure. The second birthday was spent well, no partying, because we were in a new place, with very few people we knew, but we had a lot of fun that day.

t3 - We did have a great time on the BB's second birthday. :) Marrying again, I doubt if I will even fit into those clothes again. ;) And the DH is such an unromantic fool i tell ya, he will jest my suggesting this. You did it did you? wow! Tell me more.

Mystic - This comment is so you, you know? I cannot think of it coming form anyone else but you. But the issue here is, I cannot see myself. :( The rest i mostly remember, but photos would have been great. atleast just one of the DH and me, you know?

Shruti SriHarsha said...

oh...GM...comeon lady cheer up...
I know it hurts you don't have your wedding snaps not BB's big bash for his first birthday.....u can make it up for the latter one, by celebrating it big ( Practically the first one can't come bcak, but making it up is always possible;))

hugsss.....cheer up....

take your hubby out for a romantic dinner.....WiNk ;)

D said...

Don't worry Goofy, for most of us who do have our wedding albums would willingly hide them away! I hate what the photographer did to me, because I'm quite sure I didn't look so bad as I do in those pics :(

On a serious note, yes, I know what you must feel like! And I cannot imagine not having photographic memories to go back to especially now that I have became such a shutter bug! But I think you're making up for it amply by clicking loads of pictures now, aren't you?

D said...

Don't worry Goofy, for most of us who do have our wedding albums would willingly hide them away! I hate what the photographer did to me, because I'm quite sure I didn't look so bad as I do in those pics :(

On a serious note, yes, I know what you must feel like! And I cannot imagine not having photographic memories to go back to especially now that I have became such a shutter bug! But I think you're making up for it amply by clicking loads of pictures now, aren't you?

Reflections said...

Nice post....since I spent so much time in my youth praying for good wedding pics I'm not going to say its ok.....instead I'll say just count ur blessings tht u got the right guy & no photos instead of the wrong guy & lovely wedding pics;-D

U r such a sensitive mother....BB is lucky to get a mom like U:-)).

Passionate Goof said...


Shruti - :) Will do.

D - I do click many photos now, and value them a lot more, because I don't have some very precious ones.

Reflections - I always remind myself of that, and stay happy. :) What makes you think I am such a good mother?