because I don't have one. No, I did not lose it, nor was it destroyed, it just never came into existence. Since there was nothing to make one with. Yes, there is not one single photo of the day I got married. Not one. One of the biggest regrets of my life? Yes, it is. I don't know how I looked, I have nothing to show to my kids or my grandchildren. I have no wedding pics.
It kills me each time I think of it, it really does, but what can I do, except regret. Could not exactly force people to click a photo of me could I? It is a one time thing, atleast for me. I know I will never marry again, and this is said to be one of the biggest days in a person's life is it not? There was no wedding finery involved, just a plain cotton churidar-kurta, some junk jewellery and a bindi in place I think. And yet, it was my wedding day after all. I don't have a single photograph of myself from that day, not one single one.
My wedding itself is a long filmy story, one I think of with regret, awe, a sense of adventure at different times, but whatever it was, I have no memories to revisit, except the ones in my mind. And none that I can ever share. Honestly I don't have any idea how I looked on that day, and I would never ever know. The DH is not the kind of poetic man, who would describe me eloquently, I doubt he even remembers for that matter. I want it, I want photos, I want to see it, to feel the day, to revive the memories, but it is not for me to have I guess. I cannot fight against everything you know, and sometimes I just have to suck it up, and move on.
Another bigger regret in my life is not celebrating the BB's first birthday in the biggest way possible. He deserves it, and I wanted it. To be honest, post marriage there has not been a single big celebration in my life, except for the party my parents threw, when we visited them early this year. that was the first party the BB had. The first birthday had a cake, and some oily disgusting food ordered from out, for the adults, the birthday boy himself had nothing special. An elderly relative decided to settle himself in our home, on the pretext of a bad back for an entire fortnight, and made sure no celebrations take place. His only plans for the birthday celebrations were drinks for himself. I don't want to go into details, which will just make me seethe. Nothing was done, except for a cake cutting, and the photos are of me sweating like a sow, in a completely worn out disgusting T-shirt, and the BB dressed up in some nice clothes cutting his cake. We did not go out for a meal, pretty much did nothing. The DH, claims it does not matter, because the BB was way too young to understand or even enjoy. He has to, it was his relative after all. Even if I agree, it matters to me, I remember, and what do I show the BB when he grows up as his birthday celebrations? His first birthday was very very special to me, and I hate the fact that it was nothing but like any other wimpy day, with a measly cake cutting to show for it.
The lack of celebrations for the BB's first birthday is a bigger regret for me, than the absence of my wedding photos, because the wedding photos were not under my control, the birthday celebrations were, and I did nothing. I blame myself totally for it, I don't think I will ever forgive myself on that count. Keeping the million excuses, and that horrible relative aside, I am still at fault. Can we ever turn time back?
I will publish this now, before I lose the nerve, and put it up. I am in a totally frustrated state of mind, which brings up all old regrets, so please excuse the errors in this post.