Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Growing Up To Be Different.

Of late I have been observing that the me that existed a few years ago, is different from the me of today in some ways, that I thought used to define me, and yet I believe I remain to be the same basic person. What surprises me, is that these changes have crept in without me really realising it consciously, till one fine day, it just stares me straight up in the face. Like an incident would occur, I will act/react and then, as is typical of me, thinking about it later, would realise that what I did, was not what I would have done a while back. Don't know if that means I am growing up, getting smarter, cynical, better or just plain old, but these changes are creeping up. And I thought it would be fun to pen down how I have changed, might help in a psyche evaluation if I need it some day.

I still value honesty highly, but I no longer believe I need to be an open book to the world, I don't feel any need to explain or justify myself. I realised this, when I met a friend after about 8 or 9 years. She asked me if I had slept with the GP, before getting married, unlike the earlier me who would have vocally and vehemently tell her, I just said, "I don't think I need to tell you". I surprised myself there, had never realised I don't feel the need to tell people all about me, or justify, or anything at all. Even when I was very sure about what I did, I would always go ahead and explain my point to just about anyone who would ask, oppose, have a different POV. Somewhere along the line, I have stopped wanting/needing to do it. Unless it is someone who really matters or really wishes to know, I don't give my reasons to anyone, anymore.

Still love people, friends, talking to them, online or in person or even over the phone. Though the in-person talking has become far and between now, a lot of online and phone talking still happens. And I enjoy them just as much, but somehow, I have recently found myself ending conversations, saying goodbye, and going away, when I need to. I could never do that earlier, don't know why, but I could never end conversations, they would only end when the other person would, and I would stay on, even if I really needed to be doing something else. I am happy I can do this.

I can be ' just acquaintainces' with people now. Something I could never manage earlier. I either made someone a friend, or we remained strangers, and there were of course the people I fell out with after being friends, where I held a grudge/pain/hurt forever. A big reason, for why I could never survive the corporate structure. Now, I can not-care or move on in case of a falling out or be just hi-hello-how are you kind of friends with people. I am so proud of myself on that one, it has taken a huge amount of effort on my part, to change this bit of me. This also means, I don't hold grudges or hatred for too long, unless someone continues to bother or bug me. I am upset for a bit, and then I am able to move on, even managing to maintain a normal relationship with the person in question.

I am no longer on top of everything, and I can live with that. I used to be a control freak in my own quirky way. I had to know everything I needed to know, I always knew how the finances were working, I always completed my scheduled tasks in time, most often before time, a day where I did not do something worthwhile, would drive me nuts. Now I can live in a messy house, atleast for a while, on most days I don't have any idea of how much money my wallet holds, I end up deciding(the bigger task) and then cooking a meal, just about an hour before it is meant to be served. And the other day I completely forgot about packing the GP's lunch, and he had to ask me where his lunch box was, for me to realise I had not packed it at all, and I did not feel all that bad about it either. Wow! I think I am learning to relax.

People who are very different from me in , don't feel all that different anymore. Unlike earlier, I find more similairities, than differences between others and me. The basic human nature is so common amongst all of us. And I like being able to connect in this way, rather than feeling all awkward and different. And the friendships I can now form, never used to happen before.

Do you think you have changed over the years too, and has that changed the core of the person you are?


Shrutzz said...

Its new yr for us today, so wishing you Hapy new yr :)
Nice post, post reading was thinking how much my life has changed and as a person changed me cos of the experience...
One major change for me is, am more tensed about timing, sleeping, doing things on time cos of the rules we follow at home, which was not the same back at mom's house...inspite of being married for 1.7 months, I still keep worrying about the things to be done at time here....I need to learn to relax and take things slowly...lot of other minute things, which I will now THINK..

mindspace said...

I liked the changes you are talking about. Life is simpler and more relaxed that way. like the saying goes.. those who matter don't mind and who mind don't matter.. why would someone want to ask that question, unless they are trying to kind of survey ppl n then decide what they would do.. i mean, whatever :)you should go tell gp that ppl are interested in such details and laugh over it..
I think you are growing mature and smart!! so company does matter haan ;)
I hv grown way too much relaxed.. i face in the opposite direction of possessiveness, materialism, rigid approach, being fussy etc.. it feels nice.

Sraboney said...

GM, people change with time because of the experiences they go through...I've changed - I used to be bindaas when I was younger, but now am paranoid...

I can't believe your friend actually asked you that...I think you were too polite...I would have said, "It's none of your damn business..."

Trish said...

This post had me nodding thru-out!
I have changed too...in so many ways..While earlier,I kept nurturing even dying relationships..I dontcare for them anymore.If someone has outgrown a relationship,i have learnt to let go.
And SO with you,about not sharing 100%..the need to justify,just isnt there...sometmes,I am just tempted to say,one word-BECAUSE!

Anonymous said...

Wow ... you have observed a lot of changes. I know I have changed a lot too but I find it so difficult to pinpoint what they are!! And the phone ending thingie ... I have that too, still struggling with it! :-) Nice one GM, these are the kind of posts I want to write but can never come up with so well as you do. :-)

Reflections said...

This post revealed quite a bit about u.....all I say is Way to Go Girl!!!!

Have I changed....yes I have but it hurts me to say that I dont quite like what I've become;-(

A thought-provoking post GM!!!!!

Piper .. said...

Completely agree with Bones. It`s pbly the experiences you go through, that change you as a person. For me, I`m simply growing old without growing up, in several aspects. While in some other ways, I`m startlingly mature.
As for the woman who asked you the qstn, It`s no surprise because people tend to make it their business - how the other person lives her life. You should have said what Bones recommends you should have!! Though knowing you(and me too) - I dont think we can ever be that vocal really - though I end up pretty much voicing my ire on The G and my sister actually, instead of the third party who deserves it! :(

Yet another honest post. I love you for this simplicity and honesty, Goof! :)

Passionate Goof said...

Shrutzz - A wonderfully happy new year to you too! I know what you feel, needing to be disciplined all the time. Can be a bit tough, and need some adjusting to for sure.

Mindspace - Youa re a darling, and company does seem to be mattering. The friend, is someone I had lost touch with completely, and she was affected by a terrible illness which has affected her mindset... so i did not take it too personally.

Sraboney - I have changed in some bad ways too, grown more cynical, trust people less, have met too many bad and unreliable people after growing up i think. ;) The friend had a terrible illness, and is not the same mentally anymore, and hence I did not take it too personally.

Trish - Even i have become so cool about trying to maintain relationships that don't matter to the other person. i just let it go.

t3 - You will get there, just keep at it. if I can get there, anyone can. And Thanks! Why don't you write on it too.

Reflections - In some ways I have changed for the worse too, hardened, no longer naive or trusting. But those are also things I need to be to survive.

Piper - I am still unable to give it back to teh people who bother me, so i know where you come from. And this friend, she has been ill, and not too great mentally any more, so i did not take her query too personally. And thanks, you are really making me feel good. ;)

MRC said...


Absolutely agree with you about the honesty thing, though Im working hard to get to the point where you are right now...As for the question,
Yes I have changed as a person,become more guarded yet possibly less judgemental .However, my core remains the same as in , I still value much of what I used to, in my early 20s, the difference is that I have a clearer idea about what those things are.

D said...

I think we all change with time. And I just hope I have changed for the better. Pata nahi...

Anonymous said...

Hi GM,

emm yet another post which reflects my thoughts . I realised the change in me, the way I deal with people specially insincere, manipulative and jealousy people. I expected a genuiness in every relationship but 7 out of 10 people act sincere but they want to compete with you for even silly stuff. That used to bother me a lot but I no longer care about such people . They are such insecure and restless people and I try to distance myself away from such crowd. Now after having baby ,the momzillas(the same restless souls) look riduculous. They not only boast(some outright some very implicitly) but bother to poke their nose against mine too. I learnt to use punch lines (oh it was so hard learning it against my timid personality. still my sister thinks they are lame ; )).
But this wisdom came to me when I was in my mid 30's. I remain the same old self happy contended but not a timid girl who want to throw up when people talk bad about others behind their back and act completely different in person . Nowadays such people entertain me so much. Free fun atlast.

Blog world give us an opportunity to get to know people who feel and think like you : ).


Passionate Goof said...

MRC - Isn't thst weonderful??

D - I wonder the same myself.

Anon - I still get disgusted by such people, and hate their compamy, mainly because they fill me up with anger and hatred and more. Wish I get to where you are!