Of late I have been observing that the me that existed a few years ago, is different from the me of today in some ways, that I thought used to define me, and yet I believe I remain to be the same basic person. What surprises me, is that these changes have crept in without me really realising it consciously, till one fine day, it just stares me straight up in the face. Like an incident would occur, I will act/react and then, as is typical of me, thinking about it later, would realise that what I did, was not what I would have done a while back. Don't know if that means I am growing up, getting smarter, cynical, better or just plain old, but these changes are creeping up. And I thought it would be fun to pen down how I have changed, might help in a psyche evaluation if I need it some day.
I still value honesty highly, but I no longer believe I need to be an open book to the world, I don't feel any need to explain or justify myself. I realised this, when I met a friend after about 8 or 9 years. She asked me if I had slept with the GP, before getting married, unlike the earlier me who would have vocally and vehemently tell her, I just said, "I don't think I need to tell you". I surprised myself there, had never realised I don't feel the need to tell people all about me, or justify, or anything at all. Even when I was very sure about what I did, I would always go ahead and explain my point to just about anyone who would ask, oppose, have a different POV. Somewhere along the line, I have stopped wanting/needing to do it. Unless it is someone who really matters or really wishes to know, I don't give my reasons to anyone, anymore.
Still love people, friends, talking to them, online or in person or even over the phone. Though the in-person talking has become far and between now, a lot of online and phone talking still happens. And I enjoy them just as much, but somehow, I have recently found myself ending conversations, saying goodbye, and going away, when I need to. I could never do that earlier, don't know why, but I could never end conversations, they would only end when the other person would, and I would stay on, even if I really needed to be doing something else. I am happy I can do this.
I can be ' just acquaintainces' with people now. Something I could never manage earlier. I either made someone a friend, or we remained strangers, and there were of course the people I fell out with after being friends, where I held a grudge/pain/hurt forever. A big reason, for why I could never survive the corporate structure. Now, I can not-care or move on in case of a falling out or be just hi-hello-how are you kind of friends with people. I am so proud of myself on that one, it has taken a huge amount of effort on my part, to change this bit of me. This also means, I don't hold grudges or hatred for too long, unless someone continues to bother or bug me. I am upset for a bit, and then I am able to move on, even managing to maintain a normal relationship with the person in question.
I am no longer on top of everything, and I can live with that. I used to be a control freak in my own quirky way. I had to know everything I needed to know, I always knew how the finances were working, I always completed my scheduled tasks in time, most often before time, a day where I did not do something worthwhile, would drive me nuts. Now I can live in a messy house, atleast for a while, on most days I don't have any idea of how much money my wallet holds, I end up deciding(the bigger task) and then cooking a meal, just about an hour before it is meant to be served. And the other day I completely forgot about packing the GP's lunch, and he had to ask me where his lunch box was, for me to realise I had not packed it at all, and I did not feel all that bad about it either. Wow! I think I am learning to relax.
People who are very different from me in , don't feel all that different anymore. Unlike earlier, I find more similairities, than differences between others and me. The basic human nature is so common amongst all of us. And I like being able to connect in this way, rather than feeling all awkward and different. And the friendships I can now form, never used to happen before.
Do you think you have changed over the years too, and has that changed the core of the person you are?