A Heart Of Stone... Empty

... that's me.

A few months ago, even the thought of leaving the BB with strangers, in care used to drive me to the point of insanity. Though initially I used to believe myself to be paranoid, my views on that have changed a lot. And so finally when the day arrived this Tuesday, the 9th of March, to actually leave the BB in the care of others for a few hours, and go away, I was shocked that I remained dry eyed. I had always pictured myself being this hysterically sobbing mass of motherly love, when I first leave my precious child alone, but obviously that was just a figment of my imagination. Like a weathered pro, I took him to the centre, told him to be nice and listen to the carers along the way, and that I would be leaving him there and heading home. I think he hesitated a bit initially, because he knew I was leaving. He did not just run into his room like the other couple of times, and even when the play area was in sight, he kept tugging at me to come along, instead of just running out there. But eventually the call of the wildthe of the open play area prove to be stronger and off he went. I signed the book, and left.

Decided to walk back home, and came back home only because of the stormy-rainy weather that has been haunting the city for the past few days. We were out when the storms hit on Saturday, a huge hail storm, which has caused huge amounts of damage in the area and is being described as a once in a hundred year occurence. Probably would have decided to stay out the few hours if I could, but it was not a safe option. Walking back home killed time. I tried calling up everyone I could, and pretty much everyone was either busy, or in time zones, which made it middle of the night for them, and this was not an emergency huge enough to make them jump out of their beds. The GP had kindly, and for the first time ever, managed to leave both his cell phones home, when he left for work that morning, and could not spare time to come and retrieve it. So there I was, unable to even get in touch with him, since he was not at his desk. Reached home, put on the laptop, and played scrabble on facebook for an hour, to keep myself distracted. My mother saw my missed call, and called back, she was not much help. Then suddenly I realised, there was just an hour left for my baby to be back home, and so I hurried through my chores for the day. The GP, was designated to pick him and bring him back, and I waited all antsy, and eager to see him back home in one piece. And that is exactly how he came, just his hat misplaced. Hope I find it in the lost-n-found box next week.

And unlike making for a filmy blog-post, about how I cried my eyes out, here I am saying, how I did not shed a single tear, actually even got some chores done around the house, and had my a## beaten black-n-blue in an online game of scrabble. Wow! I do surprise myself don't I? Maybe I am not really the softie of a mother I wanted to believe I am. I am not happy, with the free hours I am getting, atleast not yet, so wonder what made me not bawl my eyes out. I don't have an answer to that one yet, and I am not sure if I should be proud of myself or ashamed for remaining so exceptionally calm.

And if that was not enough, as I sit writing this post, the BB is sleeping in a new room, alone. The first time ever, and not sharing the bed with the GP and me, for the first time since the last two years. And I am not crying, even now. This was not a planned move. Infact, I just decided to try and put the BB to sleep, in the room that we had officially allocated to him when we shifted here, on the spur of the moment today evening. Till now, the room has barely been touched, besides putting his clothes there. I had plans of shifting him into a new room, post his thrid birthday, but never really worked constructively towards it. And today just out of the blue decided to put him to sleep there. I know he will not sleep the whole night there, will wake up, and I will eagerly scoop him into my arms and get him into our bed, and yet, I have put him there. The GP is no support ofcourse, inspite of his initial resolve, saying the BB needs to grow independent, just as he headed off to bed, he told, me to bring him in, before I hit the bed....What kind of support is that? That's the way we go as parents, gooey in turns.

I think neither of the things have hit me yet, and that is the reason that I am as calm as I am. But then that is the way things work with me. My emotional reactions occur a long long time after the situation presents itself. So maybe I will shed my tears of mixed emotions later, maybe I never will, I don't know. Definitely not following the stereotypes here, of crying bucket loads, and yet somehow, somewhere I feel so empty suddenly, its not something an amateur like me can put into words. But this post will always bear as a reminder of this time, this moment, this emotion.

Addendum - The BB spent the night in bed with us. I think he must have slept for about four hours in the other room, and then he started getting restless. Every small whimper had me jump up like a deer being hunted, and running to him.And I decided its best that he continues to be my cuddly bag for some more time, and brought him in. So much for independence and all that crap. May I say, I woke up with a big smile. I rest my case.