Oops! I did it again. That people is my middle name. I keep putting myself into stupid sticky situations, and just don't know how to come out of it with my peace of mind intact. I can easily say that its the other people, but I know it is not, it is me, and this is a completely me thing that I need to work on.
Though I am quite well guarded against vulnerability to people, than what I was before, the guard does slip once in a while. And I let people into my heart and emotions, a lot deeper than what I want to, or need to. I like people, in general, and genuinely enjoy communicating with people, knowing them. Of late I have lucked out so many times, found such amazing friends, that I keep wondering, how come?
The issue here though is different, when someone suddenly turns a blind eye or deaf ear to me, for no apparent reason, it bothers me. I was watching 'Samantha Who' just today morning, and something very similar to what I go through. About the series, Samantha is a woman suffering from amnesia, and barely remembers anyone from her past life. So she bumps into a man, her ex-boyfriend on the street, who she had been stalking earlier, and is surprised, by the way he runs away from her. When she finds out the reason, she gets to him by hook or by crook,to let him know that she is not stalking him anymore and does not wish to either. He tries to escape, but she keeps catching up with him, till she tells him her side of the story. I am so like that, I just cannot handle it when I know someone is misunderstanding me, or someone suddenly behaves weirdly without any apparent cause.
I never get it when supposed friends, do a sudden u-turn, and just stay away or shut up, without any visible reason. Though I don't mind them walking out on a friendship or whatever they thought the relationship between us was, I think I have a right to know why. I cannot pretend to be nonchalant, because I am not, and it bothers me when I have invested time and emotions in a relation with someone, and that person simply turns cold. These are not imagined friendships, but a real two way thing, where the person on the other side, has bonded with me and been as open with me, as I have been with them. So it feels very strange when they turn cold, suddenly. It bothers me, and I need to clear the air, if you have an issue, say it out aloud, and leave, but have the sensitivity and etiquette to do that much atleast.
I hardly ever lose close friends, atleast to unknown causes, so when it happens it like a nagging pain, till I know why.This happened recently when someone got in touch online, was very friendly, and shared a lot of things. I was touched at the fact that someone so openly trusted me, and could share so much. And honestly I cannot take people lightly. I did think about this person as a friend then on, as I am sure would anybody, if I went and discussed my entire life with them. But now, there is a sudden point where there is refusal to talk, and I find it strange. Forget about a hi or hello, there is no response to my greetings either. Its OK, if you suddenly feel you don't want to be my friend, there is no rule which says you need to be. I have no intention of invading into anybody's life at all, but I don't like being given a cold shoulder just like that either. I need to put a formal end to this, if there is no continuation, just clear it up and move on for both our sakes. And here I am not talking about someone you meet at the store counter, I am talking about someone, who is a friend, or atleast someone I thought is a friend after the exchanges we had.
I don't expect friends to lay their lives for me, and it is quite understandable if they are busy, or whatever, but I do expect that they will be nice enough to not suddenly run away without a word. the problem with me here is not that I want to maintain the relationship, but that I need to know why. If you come upto me, share your life with me or propose a friendship, I take it seriously, if you don't then please don't come knocking on my door. I take it seriously enough to genuinely care for you, which is not about talking everyday or hugging, or sending gifts each other's way, but it is about caring for you as a person. After I have gladly invested that for someone, coldness from them, is not taken lightly by me. And I do deserve an answer.
Maybe I am naive, and should learn the art of not caring, and not giving a damn. But that is so not me, I try so hard to pull back when I feel myself really beginning to care for someone, but it gets difficult when they put their most vulnerable side right up in front of me. Maybe I need to just not care, but that would just add to my list of undesirable characteristics I have developed over the years, under the guise of practicality. I just don't know what lesson to learn from this, so as not to get into such a mess yet again, ever, because it will bother me till I can talk it out with the said person, and I don't want to turn into stalker Samantha.