Tuesday, February 9, 2010

What is With Me?????

Oops! I did it again. That people is my middle name. I keep putting myself into stupid sticky situations, and just don't know how to come out of it with my peace of mind intact. I can easily say that its the other people, but I know it is not, it is me, and this is a completely me thing that I need to work on.

Though I am quite well guarded against vulnerability to people, than what I was before, the guard does slip once in a while. And I let people into my heart and emotions, a lot deeper than what I want to, or need to. I like people, in general, and genuinely enjoy communicating with people, knowing them. Of late I have lucked out so many times, found such amazing friends, that I keep wondering, how come?

The issue here though is different, when someone suddenly turns a blind eye or deaf ear to me, for no apparent reason, it bothers me. I was watching 'Samantha Who' just today morning, and something very similar to what I go through. About the series, Samantha is a woman suffering from amnesia, and barely remembers anyone from her past life. So she bumps into a man, her ex-boyfriend on the street, who she had been stalking earlier, and is surprised, by the way he runs away from her. When she finds out the reason, she gets to him by hook or by crook,to let him know that she is not stalking him anymore and does not wish to either. He tries to escape, but she keeps catching up with him, till she tells him her side of the story. I am so like that, I just cannot handle it when I know someone is misunderstanding me, or someone suddenly behaves weirdly without any apparent cause.

I never get it when supposed friends, do a sudden u-turn, and just stay away or shut up, without any visible reason. Though I don't mind them walking out on a friendship or whatever they thought the relationship between us was, I think I have a right to know why. I cannot pretend to be nonchalant, because I am not, and it bothers me when I have invested time and emotions in a relation with someone, and that person simply turns cold. These are not imagined friendships, but a real two way thing, where the person on the other side, has bonded with me and been as open with me, as I have been with them. So it feels very strange when they turn cold, suddenly. It bothers me, and I need to clear the air, if you have an issue, say it out aloud, and leave, but have the sensitivity and etiquette to do that much atleast.

I hardly ever lose close friends, atleast to unknown causes, so when it happens it like a nagging pain, till I know why.This happened recently when someone got in touch online, was very friendly, and shared a lot of things. I was touched at the fact that someone so openly trusted me, and could share so much. And honestly I cannot take people lightly. I did think about this person as a friend then on, as I am sure would anybody, if I went and discussed my entire life with them. But now, there is a sudden point where there is refusal to talk, and I find it strange. Forget about a hi or hello, there is no response to my greetings either. Its OK, if you suddenly feel you don't want to be my friend, there is no rule which says you need to be. I have no intention of invading into anybody's life at all, but I don't like being given a cold shoulder just like that either. I need to put a formal end to this, if there is no continuation, just clear it up and move on for both our sakes. And here I am not talking about someone you meet at the store counter, I am talking about someone, who is a friend, or atleast someone I thought is a friend after the exchanges we had.

I don't expect friends to lay their lives for me, and it is quite understandable if they are busy, or whatever, but I do expect that they will be nice enough to not suddenly run away without a word. the problem with me here is not that I want to maintain the relationship, but that I need to know why. If you come upto me, share your life with me or propose a friendship, I take it seriously, if you don't then please don't come knocking on my door. I take it seriously enough to genuinely care for you, which is not about talking everyday or hugging, or sending gifts each other's way, but it is about caring for you as a person. After I have gladly invested that for someone, coldness from them, is not taken lightly by me. And I do deserve an answer.

Maybe I am naive, and should learn the art of not caring, and not giving a damn. But that is so not me, I try so hard to pull back when I feel myself really beginning to care for someone, but it gets difficult when they put their most vulnerable side right up in front of me. Maybe I need to just not care, but that would just add to my list of undesirable characteristics I have developed over the years, under the guise of practicality. I just don't know what lesson to learn from this, so as not to get into such a mess yet again, ever, because it will bother me till I can talk it out with the said person, and I don't want to turn into stalker Samantha.

7 comments:

Sraboney said...

I'm just like you...If I have to lose a friendship, I would like to know why otherwise I lose sleep over it...Silly, but that's the way I am...

MRC said...

You're not alone in feeling this way, most of us have at some point of time. This is the reason why I have become so guarded in my interactions with most people.It's easy to open up to strangers, but I guess, some folks might feel they've said too much, once the friendship actually starts seeping into the real world. My suggestion, ask her frankly for an explanation within a set frame of time.If you still dont get an answer, chalk it up to experience and leave it at that.

Trish said...

Ohh you are so much like me..I also,get attached very easily,specially after someone has bared their heart to me,I can't stop caring for them.Even after they move on..i think its basic courtsey to atleast let the other person know u are not interested.

Mama - Mia said...

been there, felt that and am still confused! why would anyone want to just disappear?

but i still cant bring myself to be uncaring! id rather learn to not feel so hurt! :)

cheers!

Passionate Goof said...


Bones - Even I think its silly, because I am losing sleep over something, the person does not even care about.

MRC - I tried that, no response, so I have let it be, and moved on. And even I have become a lot more guarded in my interactions.

Trish - I think so too, but obviously some people don't!

Mama - Mia - I don't know the answer ti that myself. :( Its not possible to be uncaring I guess unless we have been that way all our lives.

The Restless Quill said...

I've had two people do that to me and I still don't know why. The first time I couldn't find closure for years and the second time it hurt for a while but then I honestly began laughing at it and believing that it truly was her loss.

Also, never stop caring. That is not the solution. You are who you are because you care. WIthout that, we'll be half the people we are.

I have always maintained that explanations are necessary. And I can never understand why people won't give it. The only thing I can assume is because they are afraid that their reasons aren't convincing enough -- either to themselves or to us.

Or maybe they just got bored with us :)

I hope you're healing :)

june said...

The same happened to me recently. Like you, I forget to guard myself. A blogger sent me an email about one of my posts and we shared several in-depth posts about personal feelings. I took her immediately into my heart as a friend. Then one day I saw she had a new password protected post and I asked if I could have the password, completely confident that she would give it to me. She responded that she couldn't because she didn't trust me yet. I was incredibly hurt by it yet berated myself for being so hurt since we didn't even "really" know each other. I understood why she wanted to protect herself but it still hurt.