OK, so I think I am the most unstable, reactive and unreliable person on the face of the earth at this point in time. I am depressed to the deepest recesses of darkness, all I need right now is a lap where I can put my head in and cry, till there are no tears left in me. Why? Simply because I am tiered of fighting my problems and need a BIG break or maybe a breakthrough to get out of my troubles.
I have forgotten the fact that I have always known myself as a happy person, I have never been down for long, in fact I
I had a few plans to alter the current course of my life, they fell flat on their face. I could look for alternatives, but I am not because I am just too tiered and exhausted of trying, to find ways, to keep myself going. I just need one good cry, one safe place, one lap, which would understand me without my saying the words. Yes, the GP can be it, but I don't want to unload on him, he does not deserve it. At more times than one in my life, I have felt he would have been better off without a troubled, messed up person like me with him, he would vehemently disagree, and tell me in his usual calming and mature way, how we both have things to offer to each other. But I just feel that he deserved better. I have too much of baggage, just too much.
I don't have the option to give up, or to be weak and fall down, I have too keep it going, though I have no strength left. All I need is just one safe place, to just let go for a little bit, and I can't find it, atleast not one, where I can let go without causing more pain than I should. I wish I had parents who would understand, or just listen and let me unburden myself, but I don't, and I have to accept that too. I am living and carrying on, and smiling, and pretty much faking my whole existence at this point in time. I would have thought it possible to say I will be fine at one point of time, but I can no longer do it, because I don't even remember what fine really feels like anymore. I am not numb, no, because I feel it every waking moment. Sleep is my only escape now.
You don't see it, because I have never been the person who behaves with people based on her moods, I just find it inconsiderate, and so I just go on as normal, attend birthdays, chit-chat with friends, talk about nonsense, smile on Skype for my parents, cook the food, do the laundry, go for my walks sometimes, and just keep going, when all I really want to do is stay in bed all day and cry my heart out, scream my lungs out to say its unfair, and I don't deserve getting what I am.
No this post will not receive comments, because I don't need chin-ups and cheer ups, I don't need sympathies, and I don't need questions either. My problems may seem very paltry to many, and rightly so. But they don't to me, I am living it each second. We all have issues, and most of us think ours is the worst problem there could be. I try to put my issues in perspective always, and know that it is never quite that bad. But as I said I am tiered of trying, tiered of fighting, tiered of the effort I need to put to be happy, I need a break, and I need some rest. I wish I could ask God to give me just one day, to break down, kneel and cry!